My Infertile life UNEDITED.

Landon!

2012-01-13T11:04:00.001-08:00

Landon was born January 4, 2012! The whole birth story is on my other blog, which you can find the link to on the right hand side! :)

Last Weekend...

2011-12-30T14:21:00.001-08:00

Just my hubby and I. It seems so unreal. I can't really even visualize how life is going to change. I can't even really imagine what it will be like to hold my little boy and wrap my head around the fact that he is MINE. My DNA, my body carried him...it's just such a miracle.
I have contemplated the past 7 years over the last 9 months, thinking of the long journey that got us to this point. I was thinking today how many people have prayed for us, and supported us, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every prayer offered on our behalf. So many times I was SURE I would never be able to experience what I have and will. So many times thinking that I would be childless forever. And now standing on the edge of motherhood, there is a lot of fear and excitement all mixed in to one.
Looking back I wouldn't change anything over the past 7 years. I can say that now because I am on the other side looking back, but I can tell you the me going through the last 7 years would freak out that the me now is saying that! But it's true. It just feels like the right time, the right baby, the right frame of mind for this to be happening.
Thank you so much for those that have helped me, supported me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and cried with me. I don't know how I would have done it without you!!!
I will be sure to update when he is here, so be on the lookout for that. I am not sure how much this blog will be used once he is here, because life moves forward. I have reopened my family blog in anticipation of this, you can find the link on the right hand side. I will blog more there about being a Mom and our little family. :) But thank you again! You are all wonderful!

Moved my date

2011-12-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

So they moved my induction date to the 4th! :P I am so sad about it, I don't know why! I guess it's just because there is more of a risk of me going in to labor on my own, and that FREAKS me out! Anyhow, nothing much new here, he is weighing in at 6 pounds 13 ounces today, so we are looking at a 7 something pound baby! With a giant head still! LOL Just wanted to update! :)

We have a date!

2011-12-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

I am being induced on January 2nd! So I will be a mommy at least by then. I can't believe it. That is under 3 weeks, it's just so insane! I am so excited, nervous, happy. I pretty much feel ready to go, just a have a couple of things I need for the hospital, and I think we are set. I just can't believe that there will be a real, live baby that is MINE, here in 17 days. So blessed!!!! Will appreciate any prayers for safe delivery!

Home Stretch!

2011-12-02T13:46:00.000-08:00

Can't believe that we are to the point where I can say I am due next month! This whole year has just FLOWN by to me. It seems like since the day we found out we were pregnant, the year went in to fast forward mode.
I just can't believe that the beginning of 2012 our lives will change so much. I am really excited, but kind of sad in some ways leaving the couple lifestyle behind. But I wouldn't trade it. Change is just always hard, it takes time to adjust. Add the fact that DH will be starting a new shift right around the time baby comes, and it will be a lot of changes all at once!
Let's see...we had our last appointment on Wednesday. Baby looks great, measuring at around 5 lbs 2 oz. We are doing weekly non-stress tests, and so far they have gone fine. Around the middle of the month I will be moving to weekly appointments, so I am hoping that at that point things just move along and it's not long before he is here. I keep feeling the week between Christmas and New Year's, but I don't know if that is just wishful thinking!
He is an active little guy. I think he is getting cramped in there, because it feels like is stretched from hip to rib all the time. A lot of his wiggling makes me jump a little. I know I am not going to miss being pregnant. I know a lot of women do, but not me. I will be glad to get my body back and have some control!!
I'm sorry my posts are so boring now. I am just tired all the time. Energy on a scaled from 1-10 is - 1 million! I just have no energy, and it's getting to the point where it is hard to walk. Having a lot of pressure and pain going on.
Anyhow, hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! :)

Overflowing with Gratitude

2011-11-20T16:54:00.000-08:00

Obviously with Thanksgiving just around the corner, thoughts turn to what in my life I am grateful for. Also with the end of the year and the fact that we are having such a life changing event happening, it also makes me reflect on things. So here is just some things I am grateful for!

*First obviously, is this healthy little boy growing inside of me. I just can't even begin to express how much gratitude I have that I will be a mom. And that so far this pregnancy has had little to no complications.
*I am so grateful for my husband. He is my rock, my best friend, my everything. He has been so great during this pregnancy, being willing to jump in when he needs to, to help me or call someone or take me somewhere. He is just amazing.
*I am thankful for a place to live. We have had major struggle financially, but I am so thankful I have a place to go. So many people don't. Even though we have lived with family way longer then we hoped, I am just so grateful for family to take us in.
*I am thankful for health insurance through this pregnancy that has allowed me to not worry about health care costs associated with choices to go in or not. I am thankful for my Dr, and how supportive and great he is. I just don't know if I would be in this position if things hadn't fallen into place just so to line me up with this Dr at this time.
*I am grateful for the road it has taken for me to get here. Infertility sucks. And it hurts and it's hard. But now looking back, I wouldn't change a thing about my journey. It has made me who I am, it has made my hubby who he is and our marriage what it is. And I imagine it will make us the parents that we will be.
*Lastly I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows all. He see the beginning and the end, He knows how to make us become the people He knows we can be. And He is so very generous with His blessings. I can't wait to teach my little guy all about his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ.
So those are things I am most grateful for this 2011 Thanksgiving season. I hope all my readers have a safe and wonderful holiday! :)

Under 9 weeks...

2011-11-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

I just can't believe how fast time is going! Let's see what is new. I had an appointment last Wednesday. Baby was breech, but growing right on track! I couldn't see what was happening too well but DH said he saw our little guy open up his mouth like he was yawning or something and then fling his hand over his eyes. I wish I had been able to pick that up but I never can see to well when I am the one on the table! I am glad DH saw it though. I know it's hard for guys to experience pregnancy the same way. I know it just becomes real to them when the baby finally gets here. He was weighing in at 3 pounds 5 ounces last week, so I think by the time we go in next week he will be a good 4+ pounds. :)
I had my family/friend shower last week, oh it was SO fun! And those times it's such a good reminder of the wonderful, supportive people I have in my life. They are just so great, and we had SO much fun at the shower. My friend who threw it is just aMAZing!!! She just rocks, and I am so thankful for all her hard work! I have a neighborhood shower this Saturday which should be fun too! Can't wait to see all the ladies from the ward. It should be great!
So lately baby has been having fun flipping from breech to head down. I finally got him to flip last weekend because it was killing me, but this afternoon I felt him flip to breech again. It hurts so bad...he just kicks like a maniac and it doesn't feel good with his feet down there. I would rather be kicked in the ribs honestly. So back to trying different moves to get him to flip to head down again. :P
Well we are getting so close to the finish line! My anxiety about still birth is probably the number one fear I have at this point. I am actually not that "scared" for labor, I trust my Dr and the hospital I am going to. I am more just anxious about the unknown and also about recovery. I am praying so hard it's not too bad, and that by the time DH get's back to work that I can take care of the baby well enough.
Thanks again to all of you who constantly pray for us. I just cannot believe most the time this miracle that we have waited for so long is finally coming to us. I keep thinking about how things will change in just a short amount of time from now. I am SO ready for this journey of having a family, but there is also some sadness that things have to change. DH and I obviously can't be as carefree as we used to. But I will take the changes coming. I know they will be worth it! :)

Still in shock!

2011-10-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

When I stop to think tomorrow I will 30 weeks, I almost go into a haze. I cannot believe that in 10 weeks (give or take) I will be a mommy to a real, live, screaming baby boy! In some ways I feel SO much excitement for this new step with my hubby in building our family. On the other hand I feel terrified for all the reasons all first time parents feel terrified.
I ended up going to a Dr within my Dr's office last Tuesday. I just woke up with a horrible feeling that something was wrong, baby wasn't really moving much and my belly just looked like it had shrunk! They brought me in and did an ultrasound, and there was my sweet little 3 pound baby looking healthy as can be. He was so cute he had his little hand next to his head, and I told hubby that is how I sleep! With my hand next to my head like that! It was just a sweet moment feeling like he is already kind of like me. :) They also hooked me up to the contraction monitor and the heart rate monitor and had me push the button when I felt movement. At first I was so worried because he really wasn't moving too much, and I was afraid I would fail and they would send me to the hospital, but after a few minutes he really started going. It was funny because the biggest, most giant kick I have gotten lately was right after hubby started talking. I think he is going to be a daddy's boy all the way!
I just cannot wait though. I feel really lucky in the fact that this pregnancy has really not been that bad. There of course are the not so fun parts, but overall I have felt okay. Sleep is becoming a bit of an issue for me, I toss and turn a lot at night, and my hips start to ache when I sleep on one side too long. And sometimes he decides to kick me around 3 or 4 in the morning, but other then that I am not too uncomfortable yet. I know I still have 10 weeks to go, but that's okay. I will still take it!
My first baby shower is this weekend and I am SO super excited! I have a really great friend who is throwing it for me, family and friends will be there, it should be a blast! I honestly cannot wait! :) It makes it seem like everything is getting so close!
I am so very blessed. :)

Third Trimester!

2011-10-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

So things are plugging along here! I can't believe I am in the home stretch now, and only have just over 11 weeks until my due date. It seems SO short! Maybe even less if my feeling is right and I have the baby in December. But I am not holding my breath for that.
The past few days baby has been kicking alot. I don't know if he is just having more awake time, or what, but he hasn't been this active this many days in a row ever. But I will take it. He will probably quiet down once he goes through another growth spurt.
DH and I are taking a child birth class at our hospital on Saturday. Should be fun. DH has been able to be as involved in the whole process, just because men really can't experience it in the same way. But I know he is going to love this baby SO much when he gets here. He keeps telling me how excited he is to have OUR baby that we can hold and cuddle as much as we want instead of having to give the baby back to it's parents. I know he is going to be an awesome dad. He LOVES kids, and is such a great help to me now, I know that will continue when baby gets here.
My showers are coming up, at the beginning of the month and I am excited! I loved my bridal showers when we got married, lots of friends and family around...and okay the gifts are nice too. LOL.
Doing okay with blood sugar stuff. Trying to make little changes that hopefully will have an impact. They have been a little higher this week, so I am just praying they level out. I really don't want to get on insulin this pregnancy.
I am hoping this trimester goes quickly with the holiday's. I am hoping DH sticks to his promise and we get to see Breaking Dawn on Thanksgiving day. :) I am looking forward to that. We have started trying to make it a tradition because there is a really nice theater by DH's family.
Anyhow, that's about it! Thank you for all the people that have supported me and prayed for me on this journey. I have felt those prayers and am so grateful for them.
P.S. Do any of my readers have a suggestion for a good breast feeding book? I wanted to take a class but I doubt I will get to it. Something good for me and/or DH? Thanks!

Thoughts at 27 Weeks

2011-10-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

Just some things on my mind. First of all, I started taking my blood sugars yesterday. So far they are fine and in the normal range. So I am praying this is saying I don't truly have Gestational Diabetes, that I just need to watch what I eat a bit better. I am taking my blood sugars 4 times a day, and I am just praying that they cut that number down once they see how good my numbers are. I know I need to do it for my baby, but it's hard.
Also we just passed being under 3 months. Now that things are getting closer, I am getting really nervous and scared about the actual labor part. It's just one of those things that is new and scary. I trust my Dr and the nurses I had at the hospital when I went in awhile ago were so nice. But I am scared of the pain of delivery and also of recovery. And that leads me to another thought, I wish my Mom was here. I really am basically going through this all alone. I am going to have rely on DH after baby gets here, but he can only take off about a week of work. If I am still having a lot of pain after that, I don't know what I am going to do!
I also am scared of having an infant in my care all the time! I mean I am excited for it, but scared. If he turns out to be mean or anything it's MY fault...that's a lot of responsibility! I also just feel unprepared for breast feeding and all those things that will be new too.
I get a weekly email about the baby, and I just looked at it and it said 13 weeks...that seems so SHORT! Like suddenly I feel like I have so much to do! I have been thinking of it more in terms of days and 91 days seems like a lot longer then 13 weeks!
I also have been feeling a lot more hormonal the past week or so. I had a huge cry on Sunday just about everything I have been worried about and it felt good to just let things out, but I hate that I wake up feeling like that again today! I am not a big cryer.
Well that's all I can think of for now! Getting excited for my showers in just under a month. I am so thankful for the people who have offered to throw them. I have really great people in my life! :)

Out of the triple digits...wow...

2011-10-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

Suddenly it just feels like time has been flying by! They are talking about us getting snow this week and it being COLD so all the sudden it feels like that baby coming is right around the corner!
I still can't believe in a lot of ways that I am here. In some ways I thought it would be SO different then it actually is. Like for instance, I really thought I would be all blissful and happy, that hubby would talk to my belly, that we would talk about what it would be like when he came. But it really is a lot more stressful then I thought.
Don't get me wrong! I am so happy and blessed. But when you start to really think about bringing a baby home that you will be responsible for 24/7 it is an overwhelming feeling. I am super excited, but scared for a lot of things like giving birth. I have been trying to push it out of my mind these past months saying it was forever away still, but it's really not anymore! We signed up for our birthing class 2 weeks from Saturday, and I just can't believe it...
I also attempted to take the 2 hour gestational diabetes test today. It did not go well. I got through the first 1 hour blood draw and thought I was doing so good. Then all the sudden I knew I was going to throw it up. We were in the car so I could lay down, and I ended up puking right next to the road...not so fun. But I guess I can consider myself lucky that it was mostly liquid and it was my first experience throwing up in public. I know a lot of women aren't that lucky!
I am starting to get a bit more achy around my belly, my back starts to hurt pretty bad when we walk around for awhile. But other then that I can't really complain! I am slowly looking more pregnant, maybe by 30 or 35 weeks? LOL.
I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I also suddenly can't stand red meat or veggies. They just sound SICK to me. This is really the first food aversion I have had. So who knows. I am also in LOVE with Wendy.s Frosties and french fries. Best treat ever. I am thinking once it gets cold I will have to be getting some mint hot chocolate. :)
Anyhow, 26 weeks tomorrow, so 2 weeks from tomorrow I will starting the 3rd trimester! I just can't believe it! I just feel so extremely blessed...

25 Down, 15 to go!

2011-09-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

Today marks 25 weeks pregnant! Wohooo! It feels like a big milestone for some reason. Nothing major has been happening though. I failed my 1 hour glucose test, have to take a 2 hour this week. I am praying I pass!!! Let's see, suddenly I hate the taste of red meat, at least when it's on it own. I tried a spare rib, and some ground hamburger tonight and ICK! But that is new!
I have had about 15 peaches in the last couple of weeks, they are SO good because they are in season. I am going to cry when I can't get good tasting ones anymore!
I feel baby kicking pretty much all through out the day now. It's nice. I still do worry though, mostly that he isn't growing like he should, or that something will happen and he will come to early. But I am getting more excited and nervous as time goes on.
My showers are just in a little over a month and I am excited about that too. :) That is about it though! Just wanted to update everyone that was wondering! :)

23 weeks!

2011-09-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

Just a little update, I am all better after that last scare we had. So glad it didn't end up being something major. I am now in my 23rd week. Baby kicks me pretty much everyday, and they are slowly getting stronger. I have days where I look really pregnant, and days where I wonder where my belly went! I figure it will be here full time though soon.

We had our Anatomy scan last week. Everything looks great! It is for sure a boy, and he is already big in my opinion. He weighed in at 1 pound 4 ounces. Of course those are sometimes way off, so I am not putting too much weight into that. But he has a giant noggin. It always measures over a week ahead of everything else!! Ouch...

We have bought all the majorly big stuff that we will need. We are thinking the rest of the stuff we will get from Shower's. I know it's a bit early to have everything (according to some people) but I feel better knowing we bought it when we had the money. Now we will be saving up for our copay and delivery (which will have to pay 10% of). And saving up for things we can't foresee once the baby is here.

Other then that just going along! I will taking my Gestational Diabetes test next week...I am on the fence about passing. I don't always have the best diet, but my blood sugars in the past have always been okay. Plus I am still on Metformin which should help.

As far as symptoms, I still have a days where I feel sick to my stomach. Heart burn is out of control. I get it no matter what I eat. But luckily it is in control for now with Zantac. Just can't wait until January is here! And I can be worried about a baby that I can actually see with my own two eyes!! :)

Not a fun weekend...

2011-09-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend was probably one of the scariest yet. DH had to work, so I was home alone, he went in pretty early. Well I woke up just feeling weird. I had a bowl of cereal which I normally do in the morning, but I felt like I was choking it down, because I felt so sick. I decided to go ahead and lay back down for a little while. Well about an hour later I was running to the bathroom to throw up. That was when I started to notice this pain in my stomach. It was like rock was sitting in there, not moving. At first I just thought well maybe it's some food that is having trouble digesting. So I went to get a glass of water, I took one sip and it came up. And the pain was just getting horribly worse.
I texted DH and told him what was happening, and he said to ask my Dad to take me to ER if I felt I needed to go since he couldn't get home until later in the afternoon. I cried and cried, I didn't want to go there without him. I was terrified of hearing that the baby wasn't okay...but after the pain kept getting worse and I couldn't keep water down but I could tell I was getting dehydrated, I knew I had to do something because dehydration is dangerous for the baby.
So I asked Dad to take me. They go me right up to Labor and Delivery. Hooked me up to the monitors, and started me on some fluids from an IV...and that was THE most painful IV I have ever had in my life. I seriously don't know how I didn't cry out in pain when she put it in. But I knew I needed it. The nurse listened to the baby, took some blood and asked me lots of questions. So far the baby sounded fine. He was kicking and his heart rate sounded healthy and strong. But as the IV was pumping fluid into me, I knew I was going to throw up again. And I did. So they called the on call OB, mine was out of town, and started to think about what could be going on. They gave me some pepcid to see if it could be acid reflux or heart burn, and some antibiotics because at this point they realized my white blood cell count was high, which I guess usually means you have some type of infection going on.
After that it was just waiting. DH finally got there, and I was so glad he was. They brought in an ultrasound specialist to check on my gallbladder because they couldn't think of what else it could be. It checked out fine. So as the day went on, I started to feel a little better. I was able to finally go to the bathroom after having 2 bags of liquid pumped in to me, and then they let me try some water. I was able to keep that down, so they brought me some chicken noodle soup. I tried a few spoonfuls of broth, and noodle and some chicken and it stayed down. So they had us wait for about 30 more minutes just to make sure I could finally keep things down, and then released me with some antibiotics and some Zofran for nausea.
I will tell you it was my most scary experience with getting sick. I am pretty sure it ended up being a stomach bug because after sleeping the majority of the day yesterday I am feeling a lot better. They had me come yesterday for a repeat white blood cell count, so I am guessing since they never called it came back better or normal.
All I can think about is losing this baby though. I cannot get over my fear of losing him...even now. I feel like I can't enjoy the fact that he is on his way because the fear of losing him is overwhelming. I don't want to feel this way, but a lot of time I do. I love being pregnant, I love being able to feel him move around now. But there are just so many things that can happen between now and January, and it's hard to push those thoughts away.
We did finally get the crib, and set it up. I am not finished with the wall, but I will be sure to post pictures when it's done. But whenever I look at it, or arrange the blankets in it for the millionth time, or the stuffed animals, I just keep thinking, what if something happens and I have to come home and see this empty crib? It will be unbearable...
So I am working on it. I am trying to get myself to realize this is happening, that my baby boy is growing inside me and will be here in January. I would appreciate any prayers sent my way though with coping...and for no more scares like we had this weekend!!

Stepping into the Darkness...

2011-08-31T17:43:00.001-07:00

I mean this as in the darkness of the unknown. We are buying the crib tomorrow, and I am scared. We have had opportunities to buy it before, but I chickened out. I just keep feeling like what if something happens and the crib is sitting there just waiting to make me lose it?? But I have determined I am going to do it! At sometime I have to step in to the darkness, and just hope and pray that everything is alright. Everything has been fine so far, but you just hear the horror stories.
I think a lot of it is the loss of the baby last year and the fact that it took 7 years for us to get to the point. It seems so unreal that we are on our way to becoming parents, I had so many moments of despair that it wouldn't happen.
I started feeling the baby kick last week, right at 20 weeks! It is still faint, and I don't really feel it everyday, but it is a good feeling! I can't wait until it's stronger and DH can feel it on the outside.
1 week from today is my anatomy scan which I am really nervous about. I am just praying everything looks fine and he is healthy and growing. So just a little update! :)

Halfway There!!!

2011-08-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

20 Weeks yesterday, and if it feels like a HUGE milestone to me! In some way I really thought things would be different, that I would look more pregnant, and that I would be feeling the baby kick hard by now, but that is not the way things are! I do look more pregnant, and last night was the first night I really believe I felt my little boy kicking me hard enough to tell! It was a very sweet moment for me. I sat there in amazement for a few minutes.
I still can't believe in so many ways that this is happening to us! I feel so incredibly blessed and just cannot believe that I will be a mommy next year! Still have 2 more weeks to wait until we get our in depth scan. Some people have said they are questioning from my ultrasound picture that it's a boy. But in my heart I know he is a he!
Anyhow, other then that not much going on around here. I have been sewing things like a maniac which helps pass the time, and get's me some cute stuff to use! Next month we will be buying the crib!! I already have all the bedding except for the bumper, which I am going to be using the breathable ones. Oh and we are doing a Safari theme. I can't wait to put it all together, I will be sure to post pictures once it is done!

18 Weeks...

2011-08-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Still not much going on around here. I had an appointment yesterday, which left a lot to be desired! The ultrasound just was horrible...maybe because I have too much belly fat, I don't know! But we couldn't see much of anything. We got a measurement though, he is growing right on schedule. Dr said he doesn't see anything that alarms him. My cervix is nice and long and closed, and my placenta has moved away from my cervix which we were concerned about at the last appointment.
No confirmation of gender. Besides the horrible looking ultrasound, the cord was between the legs!! Little stinker! LOL. So my next appointment will be 22 weeks. I will having my anatomy scan so hopefully we will get a confirmation then that it really is a boy!
As far as how I am feeling, I am having to move into maternity clothes, my belly is growing, getting more round. I feel more pregnant, but am still not sure if I am feeling flutters or not. Sometimes I think I am but it's so light and faint and not constant. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will be getting kicked more!
Nothing else much going on, just thought I would update on what is going on! :)

Dog Days of Summer...

2011-08-02T09:12:00.001-07:00

Yeah summer to me seems to be dragging it's heels. I am ready for Fall. I love the feeling of Fall and the nice cooler temps. And the smell in the air.
I haven't really been blogging because there isn't much going on here! I am feeling quite a bit better as far as feeling sick goes. Sometimes I get hit with that icky feeling, but no where near as much as before. We still listen to the heart beat every morning. He must be kicking harder because we hear the loud squelching a lot more and louder now. Sadly I still don't feel anything. I have heard it's normal, but I am just so excited for that part.
I also have been suffering from cold sores...ick. I might give in and try some Abreva, but I hate spending money on something if you don't know if it will work or not. Guess its something else to talk to my Dr about next week.
I took an 17 week pic today and I look way less pregnant then all my other pictures! Guess my bowels aren't very full, which is what they say causes the belly this early. Someday it will be baby and not backed up food!
That is about it! Nothing else is really going on. Hope everyone enjoys the last month of summer! :)

It Never Stops

2011-07-26T19:13:00.001-07:00

I have been surprised about how much infertility is still on my mind. Of course it's not in the forefront of my mind because of course the pregnancy has taken that spot. But I still wonder (and worry) will I be infertile after this pregnancy? Will I be able to make this baby a big brother? I really don't want to have an only child. Growing up with siblings, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love having that connection with a handful of people. I loved having big brother's and a big sister. So I know I want this baby to have that too.
But what if I can't? What if this is it? And even just thinking of going through all the worries and stress of treatments makes me want to gag. It's just interesting the effects of infertility never stop. I am SO grateful for this baby. I'm so thankful that it was somewhat "easy" for me to get pregnant in the end. But I still feel infertile. I don't think that feeling ever goes away....

It's a....

2011-07-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

BOY!!!!

Yep that is right, we are expecting a little bundle of joy in BLUE! I am so shocked (as I really thought it was a girl), but SO happy and surprised! I can't wait to meet him (I still have SO long to go!!) and hold him and kiss him. Having a boy will be so much fun!

Best Part of the Day!!

2011-07-18T08:49:00.001-07:00

Is when we listen to the heartbeat in the morning. I love listening to it. I love that it sounds like the baby is moving around in there, and that the heart beat is nice and strong. I could listen to it for hours!! The doppler was the best idea ever! It has really eased my mind that the baby is okay!
Still no flutters yet (except ones that MAY have been baby, too hard to tell right now). Can't wait until I get to that part. :)

The Greatest Gift...

2011-07-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

So. First off, my appointment was short and kind of disappointing. We didn't get an ultrasound, which I was so sad about! He felt my uterus, said it was measuring great, right under my belly button, and listened to the baby's heart beat and said it was very strong. Then said in a month we will try to find out the gender! So at least I know I will have one then!!!
I have been thinking about my journey with infertility a lot over the past couple of weeks. I can't believe that my journey seems to have ended the way it has. There were so many times I doubted I would ever be pregnant...but yet here I am. I was so sure after my miscarriage last year, that I would have a complicated pregnancy. So far, perfection. But I have to say the greatest gift that infertility gave me, is that everyday I am in awe of this little one growing inside of me. Even though I complain, a little on Facebook, mostly to DH, I realize how lucky I am. I really believe that if I had been able to get pregnant way back when I wanted to, this baby would not mean as much to me or DH as it does. And now I can see God's hand all the way through things that have happened, including my miscarriage.
Anyhow, enough of the heavy! Some things going on right now are cravings that come and go! I wanted Nacho Cheese Doritos so bad...then nope, they sounded disgusting. But of course horrible food always sounds good. Such as McDonald.s french fries...yep. Can't get enough of those. I have been trying hard to squeeze a vegetable or two in a day. But man this baby knows what it wants and has really messed with my taste buds.
I was really hoping to share a picture of the baby, but I want to share something so here is a picture of me at 14 weeks....still don't have a cute baby bump, I am questioning if I ever will thanks to lovely PCOS (blah!). I just look fat pregnant...lol. Oh well! I will take it!

Beautiful

2011-07-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

So I am officially in the 2nd Trimester! Wohoo! I just can't believe it half the time. But I am so grateful.
This week has been one of the best so far. I haven't been AS tired, I get small bursts of energy, which have helped me start nesting, lol. I have started deep cleaning our room and everything, even though I still have months to go. But I figure it will take awhile to get everything done that I would like to, and who knows what the next months will bring. I still get sick every once in awhile. But no more throwing up which has been so nice. I mean overall I am starting to feel like myself again.
I often wonder why I'm not as emotional as pregnant women are notorious for being. DH would disagree with that statement and say that I get irritated at him a lot more easy, which in some ways are probably true. But no unexpected bawling or anything. Maybe it comes later in pregnancy when all the hormones really get going? Guess we will see.
I don't think I have felt any flutters yet, I thought I did a few days ago, but now I think it was just other things going on. I got a nice winter insulated stomach so it could be awhile. But I can't wait for that, and for the kicks to get started. I know it will be amazing.
And lastly, since I have been feeling so good, of course my nerves just shot up this week. Because that is what happened last time, I stopped feeling pregnant completely. So this morning I had DH pull the doppler out, and we tried it and found it and it was LOUD! It was like the baby was saying YES MOM. I am STILL HERE. LOL. When we have tried it before it hasn't shown up in the display because it was way in the background, so you had to hold it up to your ear to hear it. But this morning it was loud and right there, and the display was ranging between high 150s to low 160s. Oh it was BEAUTIFUL!!! My baby is growing, and this is really happening. And everything is good TODAY!
I hope I have some decent pictures of the baby to post after my next ultrasound. The last ones you can't see hardly anything except a spine here, a hand and foot there...so hopefully I will get a good one on Wednesday.
Thank you again and again for all those praying for us, and keeping us in your thoughts. They are appreciated and felt. Believe me.
Yay!!!

Ramblings

2011-07-02T10:06:00.001-07:00

So just some things on my mind. First off, it seems I am finally getting a LITTLE better. Mind you little is the word here. I still get hit with the puke bug every so often, but my energy levels are starting to pick up, which have hit such a low I never thought it possible that I could be that tired all the time! But I am finally getting to some things that have needed to be done around here.
Also I got to see the baby again yesterday. It's just amazing that this baby is growing inside of me at such a fast rate, but really there is no physical sign of it! I can't wait until I feel the kicks and rolls and all of that fun stuff. Yesterday it was huddled against my placenta and just didn't want to give us a good shot. But that is okay. I just hope when DH finally gets to come on the 13th that the baby is a little active. Maybe I will cheat and drink a little juice before we go. :)
I can't believe that in a few days I will officially be in the 2nd trimester. I just can't say enough how amazed I am that this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. The last one was just chaos...I never felt morning sickness or any of the other symptoms in early pregnancy which should have been a giveaway that something was up. It's been a year since we lost the first baby, and sometimes I just can't believe that here I sit pregnant again with a so far healthy baby growing inside of me. It's just amazing. God is just so good...
I haven't really had any growing pains this week, which is surprising considering how big my uterus has gotten in just over a week. (I love how I talk about these parts of the body like its an arm or a finger...hahaha the joys of infertility). We are also able to find the heartbeat on the doppler a ton easier. I still don't think we are getting an accurate reading on the numbers because its in the background and you have to hold the doppler up to your ear to hear. Its a lot easier to have someone else help you though I have found, and DH enjoys listening to it too.
Anyhow, just ramblings for the day. I hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend! No major plans here, just spending time with DH which is VERY needed! I'm grateful to live in America. I know I take it for granted, but I really do feel so blessed to live my life the way I see fit! Happy 4th of July! :)

12 Weeks.

2011-06-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

You know, I thought I would be feeling better (nerves, anxiety wise) around now. But honestly I feel just as worried as I did on day one. I ended up buying a doppler, it got here yesterday. We heard the heartbeat very faintly, but I have decided I am going to put it away for another week or two. We tried to find it again this morning, and I just think that the way my body is my uterus is just in there too deep. Makes me sad, but I am also trying to realize at some point I just need to let go and realize I can stress and worry all I want and it won't change any outcome.
It is so hard not to just talk myself in to calling my Dr to see me. But like I have said before, I know I can't keep doing that. Its not fair to him or his staff.
I really hope at some point I start to just enjoy this pregnancy more then the worries. I think once I start feeling that baby that will be the only thing that keeps me half sane. But I am a good 6-8 weeks from that as far as I know.
2 weeks from tomorrow is my next appointment. I just cannot wait. It seems so long away!!
I so appreciate those that are praying for us.

Just have to share

2011-06-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

I ended up calling my dr and asking if he could see me. I just needed to go in one more time and make sure it was all still good. And it is! I am so sad that DH wasn't able to be there because for the first time I saw the baby kicking and rolling around and it was just SO cute! For some reason it just made it more real to me that there is a baby in there, and in a little while it could be in my arms! That is an amazing and scary thought. I just hope the rest of the pregnancy continues this way! I feel so blessed.

It's...terrifying.

2011-06-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I will admit, I have been a nervous wreck the last 7 weeks or so (since finding out). Every day I wake up with irrational fear that something is wrong. I really believe that some fear during pregnancy is normal. But mine is over the top. I had an ultrasound every week from weeks 4-10...how sad is that??
I have tried to talk to DH about the reasons that I think the fears are over the top. The first being my miscarriage last year. The whole experience was scary, emotional, depressing, and just plain horrible! I would not wish that experience on anyone. Secondly, is the fact that I believe in some place inside me I started to believe as years passed that I didn't really deserve a baby. I have always had pretty low self esteem, so its hard to talk to myself and say that I deserve to be a mom just as much as the next person. And lastly I think its because its my first pregnancy. So I don't know what is normal. Is this dull ache normal? Is feeling great today normal? When its your first you just don't always know what's normal.
I am so grateful that things seem to be going well, but really I would love to have an ultrasound available to me 24/7! I ordered a heart beat Doppler which should be here next week and I am hoping that it helps calm my fears. I am just praying this baby is going to join our family in January!

Uncharted Territory

2011-06-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

I have come to that place where other infertiles go. A place where you feel in limbo. I don't feel like I belong outside the infertile world...but in essence I do, because,

I am pregnant.

For me, its an odd feeling. On the one hand I cannot believe this is happening to me. After 7 years of praying, hoping, wishing, and all the other millions of emotions that have come with infertility, it feels weird to be standing on the other side.
I know this is a bitter pill for some to swallow. I understand some will feel happy for me, but will also feel the sadness and the green monster come out. And that's okay. If you don't follow my blog anymore, that's okay. I understand. Do what is best for you!
So the specifics are, I am due January 10th, 2012. I am almost 11 weeks, and so far the pregnancy has gone seamlessly. Remember the blog from awhile ago where I was freaking out over that cycle, and not getting the IUI's and all that? Well, my body did what it was supposed to. I am SHOCKED still at times when I think that I got pregnant so easily...I also feel very guilty.
I am still terrified after my last pregnancy. I have already passed the time of the last loss. But, I have tasted the bitter...so I know better then to make any concrete plans. But I have a good feeling about this one.
I have had an ultrasound every week, thanks to a understanding doctor, but now won't be going in until 14 weeks which is terrifying.
I have been sick with this pregnancy. I had one day of not being able to keep anything down. But mostly just feel queasy. It still hasn't left yet, its gotten better the closer I have gotten to 12 weeks, but threw up just yesterday!
So, from here on out this blog will move from infertility to pregnant after infertility. I still understand the infertile world. I still feel part of it. I still want to support others going through that valley. But I also want to relish in the fact that I have been blessed to come out of it. And ask for prayers that this baby is healthy and strong.
I so appreciate all the support and love I have gotten on this blog. Its been so overwhelming and wonderful! I pray and hope for those still struggling with infertility/or childlessness that you are able to carry that burden, and that those who are still in the process get their dream.
Thank you!!!

Life goes on...

2011-05-13T17:05:00.001-07:00

Nothing much to report here. Just enjoying the warm weather, I hope all my readers are too! My oldest niece will be graduating in a few weeks, my sister will be visiting which I am so excited about since I haven't seen her in almost a year! I just can't believe that much time has passed, my nieces and nephews are growing up so fast.
Then we have a couple of camping trips planned for the Summer, which will be awesome. Oh and my birthday is in a month. 30 is slowly creeping up on me! I just can't believe how different my life has turned out to be...I thought I would have several children by now, a house, a nice salary...none of these have turned out to be true.
I feel like I was so naive when I was younger, I guess we all are. But like I have expressed before, a lot of times I feel like my life is frozen where it is. It doesn't feel like things are moving forward. Everything is just the same. And really I don't know if having children would even change that mindset.
So anyhow, that's what is on my mind lately! LOL. Until next time!

What does it mean?

2011-05-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and contemplate the meaning of this day, I start to think about what exactly a mother is. Of course she is someone who bears children, but really that event is tiny in the life of a child. Isn't a mother someone who bears life with compassion, courage, love, and patience? If that is the case then as women we are all mother's it does not matter if we have children or not. As Sheri Dew said "Motherhood is the essence of who we are as women."
I have seen so many women in my life exhibit these qualities. A sister-in-law who has been given a lot of hard things to bear, including several little rambunctious boys. But she has risen out of it a better person, more loving, more compassionate, and patient. A woman who lost her baby before she even got the chance to know him. But is confident he is in the arms of Jesus, and has lived life with so much compassion for others. Another woman who who will never experience pregnancy at all, but lives her life helping others cope with infertility and educating others to it's many complex emotions.
Yes. These women in essence are all mother's. For those that are infertile, there is NO greater example to me of motherhood. How much courage it takes to pursue treatments, how much love for a baby unknown to subject your body and mind to pain and disappointment time and time again. How much courage it takes to accept a life of childlessness. How much patience through all these trials is expected and needed. How much compassion for others these women exhibit, there ability to love is overwhelming!!
"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly and definitely that. It is the essence of who we are as women. Motherhood defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits, talents, and tendencies with which our Father endowed us." Sheri Dew in her booklet entitled "Are We Not All Mothers?"
So Happy Mother's Day to all women out there, I am blessed to know you all. Thank you for your examples of love, patience, and compassion.

New Winner!!

2011-05-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

So, the winner never responded. So I redrew and the new winner is Chelsea!!!! So please contact me with your information, my email is to the left, or you can message me on Facebook since we are friends on there. :)
Thanks for everyone that participated! Another one is in the works so please come back again soon!!! :)

MAJOR pet peeve...

2011-05-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

So on my Facebook I have this one "friend" who constantly makes remarks on some of my statuses essentially with the tone of "you shouldn't be feeling this way." If you are friends with me on there, you probably can pick out who that person is. And it drives me INSANE. All my status said was "This year Mother's Day is rubbing me the wrong way. I can't give a card, and I can't get a card. What's a girl to do?"
I do NOT understand why some people feel the need to control or chastise you for your feelings. Can someone explain this to me? God, I believe, gave us feelings for a reason. And most the time I don't believe in suppressing your feelings. For me I learned at a very young age that I needed to have somewhere to express my feelings about things or else they got too intense for me to control at times. There would be times where my grief would be so overwhelming about my Mom's death that I would cry and scream for hours and beg for someone to bring me my Mom. Can you imagine me in Elementary school making the traditional gifts for Mom's at school and knowing in my mind there was no one at home to give it to? Can you imagine me wondering what to do when our Young Women group at church would have a mother/daughter activity? My sister was always available for those kinds of things, and I am so grateful to have her, but its not the same you know?
I just ask you to please not make someone feel like they shouldn't feel a certain way. Especially when it comes to infertility. You are just asking them to close off to you. Most the time we just need someone to listen and be a sounding board. There are a lot of emotions tied in to infertility, and I would say most of them aren't pretty. But I think in the end that is what makes us more compassionate to others.
:)

Winner and what's new!

2011-05-02T15:23:00.001-07:00

Okay the winner of the jewelry is...

HOLLY!!!

You have until Wednesday at 6 PM MST to contact me, my email is over on the right hand side, if not I will redraw! Come back again, I will be doing more of these for sure!!!

In what's new, Nate and I went to an Infertility seminar on Saturday. They started doing these annually last year, and they have always been great. Last year they focused more on the medical side of infertility, this time they focused more on the emotional side.

Some of the things that stuck out for me were:

* Mindfulness. This one is huge for me. I often try to think of terms of the future. I very rarely can get myself to relax and enjoy the here and now. Especially when it comes to infertility. I feel like I am always trying to live in the future and that's not even possible! So I will be working on that.

* Spouse. Remembering that your spouse is the one constant you can count on IF you remember to work on your marriage. Babies may come, they may not, but your spouse can always be there for you.

* Treatments? Having an open discussion about what you and your spouse are okay with as far as treatments. Donated sperm? Donated egg? Embryo adoption? IVF? I have always felt DH and I were pretty much on the same page here but it was nice to really lay out there again.

* Stress. They have done studies and found out that some women dealing with infertility can have as much stress as someone diagnosed with a life threatening illness. This was just amazing to me when I heard this. Because my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and struggled with it for a year or two and there was a lot of stress there. It also makes me feel like I am not so crazy...because there are times where I feel like I have a life threatening illness even though I really don't!

* Gender Differences. They talked a lot about the differences in coping for men and women. It was really a good refresher.

* Laughter. They talked about how important and beneficial it is to laugh, and laugh together.

These are just a few of the things they talked about. It was just awesome, and its always amazing to me to see how infertility effects EVERYONE. There were all kinds of different people there. The couple sitting down from us during the last speaker I would have NEVER picked out of crowd to have infertility. But that's the sad thing about this disease. It effects people in all walks of life, and all over the world!

So, hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful spring day (at least here it is finally!) :)

Giveaway time!!!

2011-04-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn't get this posted last night! I ended up having a really late night with some of my awesome friends from high school. It was a really fun night.
So the giveaway. It is a necklace and some earrings. I made both of them, they are so cute though! I really think whoever wins them will love them. If you can't tell the earrings are purple on the bottom.
So leave a comment to enter, I will pick a winner on Sunday at 6PM MST! Good luck! :)

Giveaway and half way through the dread...

2011-04-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

I am half way through the dreaded 2 ww...and let me tell you. I can say with almost 100% certainty this month is not THE ONE! We are trying very hard to get an appointment set with a new doctor, because I am not going through what I went through with this cycle again. I refuse to not have an IUI next month.
So, in horrible news, my jeans no longer fit. Man I cannot believe this, but I am back in my Lane Bryant jeans and I just want to CRY. Its weird because I am only about 10 pounds heavier then I was, but I am not fitting in clothes very easy anymore...
But in GREAT news! Be on the lookout for my giveaway. And this not just for infertiles, its ANYONE who reads my blog, this will just be a fun thing, not infertility specific. I am probably going to start doing these more regularly, so its a great reason to read my blog! :) So, look for it tomorrow! Wohoooo! :)

GIVEAWAY!!!

2011-04-25T14:16:00.001-07:00

I have decided to do a giveaway sometime this week to all my wonderful readers! So stay tuned for that. And please read the blog below! RESOLVE had all infertility bloggers unite to bust myth's about infertility! :)

"Just relax and you'll get pregnant."

2011-04-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in the middle of all these people I don't know, I intentionally avoid eye contact with everyone. An inner dialogue rages on in my mind. I have heard this dialogue thousands of times before. It always goes something like this:
"You don't belong here."
"You know they look at you different."
or
"You have nothing in common with these people."
Inevitably someone recognizes I am new here. As they make their way over to me, I feel my suit of armor latch into place, especially protecting my heart. Its been damaged before, so the armor around it is very thick.
After the normal pleasantries of where we live, where we are from, and our names, the conversation, like always become more pointed and probing questions into our personal life.
"How long have you been married?"
"Seven years."
"Any kids?"
"No, but we are hoping soon."
"Oh just relax, and it will happen."
There it is. The unsolicited advice. The usually well intentioned, but uneducated advice.
In my perfect world, there would be nothing wrong with screaming at them something like this:

"Did you know I have a disease that prevents my body from ovulating? Did you know I have to constantly work on ovulating? Something your body does all on its own, and you don't even have to think about it? That you would NOT be relaxed if you were in my position, that you would be far from it? And you are telling me in all seven years that I have been begging and pleading the universe to send me my own little bundle of joy that I have never been relaxed?? And I wonder, would you say these words to someone who had cancer, a heart problem or someone with diabetes? Just relax and this disease will take care of itself?? No...."

But instead I screw on my fake smile and just nod until they inevitably drift back into the crowd. The crowd where I feel an outcast because I can't join in the conversations of delivery and the trials of raising a child. No. I do not belong here.
I use this story to educate other out there. If someone you meet says something similar to you, the best advice is always just to show support and love. How different would this story have ended if this person had said
"I hope its soon for you too."
Unsolicited advice, no matter the subject, is NEVER welcome. And its never received well.

Quick Facts
* Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population.
* Only 15 states have a state mandate requiring insurance companies to cover infertility claims. Whereas most insurances will cover a mother giving birth, for all her appointments and delivery. * Every year thousands of these couples spend THOUSANDS of dollars on treatments that may yield no child.
* There are far reaching consequences to not building a family (in any way), such as who will take care of you when you are old?? These are questions that run through even the young and childless minds at times.
* Couples with infertility feel isolated, alone, and broken most of the time. Even by friends and family. They need to be included the same way as they would be if they had children.

To find out more on infertility and its meaning go to RESOLVE's website here.
To learn about RESOLVE's Infertility Week visit here.

Wohooo!

2011-04-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

So my gut feeling was right. Showed on the ultrasound today that I ovulated all on my own. Which means no IUI, but we are hoping we have our bases covered anyway. My Dr said its actually better to O on your own instead of having to trigger. He said the outcome is usually better. I have a good feeling, but at the same time, I wonder if I am setting myself up for disappointment if it doesn't happen.
Anyways, its just crazy that my body did what it was supposed to! That is so rare with PCOS...normally it just doesn't want to do anything. My Dr also ran some blood tests on me for blood clotting issues, because apparently I forgot to tell him about my sister! But he had me start also on baby Aspirin just to be sure that is not a problem.
So prayers are appreciated. I hope its our turn for a healthy sticky baby. But at least this cycle was a good one, no matter the outcome. :)

Where's my Crystal Ball??

2011-04-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

This to me is THE most frustrating part of having PCOS, and going through infertility treatments. Because PCOS can cause positive ovulation strips, because the hormone that makes the strips go positive in normal women, is messed up in women with PCOS and can cause positive strips even when you aren't going to ovulate.
So, I got a positive yesterday, I am inclined to believe it because of feelings in my uterus area, sore chest, and its around the time my eggs usually are ready to be triggered. Usually I would be having a Doctor's appointment today which is CD 14, but he is closed today, so I will be going in tomorrow. As far as I am concerned based on what I am feeling, we won't be having an IUI this cycle. I really think its to late, he's going to see I already ovulated and we missed our chance. I could be wrong and it wouldn't be the first or the last time, but I have really learned to listen to my body...
I am really okay if that is how it turns out, I mean normally I need the trigger shot to get the eggs out because they just don't want to come out. But, it does make me feel like I could be wasting time and money with this doctor since timing is everything with infertility treatments. This has been a really weird cycle anyway, because I didn't have a true AF. It was mostly just spotting. And there is a part of me that wonders if I ended up Oing earlier, because I have been feeling really weird lately. I remember when I was pregnant last year, one of the first things I remember feeling was that there was like a rock in my uterus...and I am feeling that again....but it also could just be my diet has been HORRIBLE lately...
Anyhow, guess we will see what the Doctor says tomorrow. I will be sure to update when I know what's going on. :)

It still hurts....bad.

2011-04-14T19:26:00.003-07:00

Tonight was a rough night, here are 2 projects that led to said rough night.

First to the left, I pulled out all of my "baby" stuff. Most of it was from the last pregnancy. I got a bunch of baby clothes from my sister since she is done with having babies. So I have known for awhile I needed to go through it. Also had my Expecting book, and my 2 maternity shirts I cursed myself by buying (....). The second is a scrapbook page I knew I have wanted to do for about a month now. I needed to document it, and make sure some of my ultrasound pictures were safe. I was very surprised by how hard this still is...even after almost a year. I went down to the basement to pull it all out, and I couldn't catch my breath. I am very melancholy now, which I knew would happen. Its especially hard when we are going through IF treatments again. In less then a week now, I will be heading to the doctor, and for some reason I have a feeling its not going to be good news. But I know that its the name of the game... Just a rough night...and I am so ready for the weekend, I just wish there was going to be SUN. Please Spring come...sometime soon??

Messing with my MIND

2011-04-13T17:51:00.001-07:00

So I was a relaxed and okay about this cycle. Realizing it might take a few tries before anything happens. But glad to be back to TTC. All the sudden I am on an emotional roller coaster! I have been dreaming about babies, day dreaming about babies, looking at baby clothes sometimes when we go to the store...I am SUPER emotional, which is throwing DH off his groove. I am just chalking it up to how the Femara works, since I think I remember reading it makes you produce more estrogen. But, I really hate this out of control feeling with my emotions. I am so praying that this is the year for a healthy baby for us...it is hard, I will admit, to get my hopes completely up. I am trying hard to be brave and courageous, but its hard. Especially after going through a loss, it takes the innocence of pregnancy away. At least it has for me. Anyhow, 1 week for today we will be finding out what the egg(s) are doing, if there are any. Praying there is, and that we can time the IUI well (this has been a problem with my Dr). Have a wonderful rest of the week readers! :)

Who am I?

2011-04-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so into documenting my infertility journey, (and complaining about it!) that I forget that most of you don't even really know ME. Like the real me. So here are just some fun things you might or might know about me.

#1 I am the youngest of 5, I only have one sister the rest are brothers. I am an aunt of 17 (almost 18) nieces and nephews. They are some of the best parts of my life.

#2 I only kissed one boy in my whole life. I have only had one boyfriend my whole life. I have only held hands with one boy in my whole life. That would be my wonderful hubby.

#3 I love to laugh. I love to be silly, and say the most random things. I also love to make faces in pictures.

#4 I love Disneyland and everything Disney related. If we don't have kids in the next few years, we will be moving to California and becoming Annual Pass holders.

#5 I love video games, especially RPG's. My favorite RPG is Kingdom Hearts (of course). I love to play video games with my hubby, even though it can get crazy because we are both very competitive. :)

Well that's a little bit about me. Hopefully it helps you all to get to know me better. I will try to do some of these a little more often, just so you can all get to know me besides knowing I'm an infertile.

Here we go...

2011-04-08T19:07:00.001-07:00

I start my Femara tonight. So any prayers, or positive thoughts would be appreciated!!! I will post again soon. :)

Overwhelmed

2011-04-04T16:44:00.000-07:00

Now that our vacation is over, I am looking at starting the infertility road and I am just overwhelmed by the emotions that I have been experiencing. There is a lot of fear and anxiety. A lot of memories of the miscarriage last year. Feelings of guilt that I have gained weight, and that I haven't been very good about taking some of my meds lately. Also just so much fear that this process won't result in another pregnancy. That last year was just some crazy miracle that will never happen again.
There is hope, but really more anxiety then anything else.
CD 1 is just about here...I will keep you all posted. :)

What's it like to be NORMAL? 7 year milestone, thoughts & feelings...

2011-03-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

As I come up on my 7th year of trying to have a baby, there are a lot of feelings. Some good, most not. So here they are.
*FEAR. Fear that this will never happen, fear that we are throwing money down the toilet, because it doesn't matter what we try. My body just can't do the pregnancy thing.
*FEAR. That we will NEVER be parents. Even seeking alternative routes.
*FEAR. That we will never be able to TRY anything other then what we are doing now because of money problems.
*MISUNDERSTOOD. I'm sorry. But you CANNOT understand unless you have been an Infertile for awhile. One round of a certain drug, and BAM you are pregnant...don't tell me you understand.
*GUILT. I feel guilt because I know that its my body that is the problem. I often wonder if I am keeping my hubby from a better life...with lots of kids, and a wife with less problems.
*SAD. Why floats around my mind all the time. Why do I have PCOS, when no one in my immediate family does? Why do I try SO hard, just to get the same results...
*ANGRY. I always come back to the same thing, that everything in my life has been hard. Nothing has come easy, and everything somewhat decent that has happened, I have had to work HARD for. And most the time its eventually ripped away anyway.
*ALONE. No one can console me. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. I have a couple of people in my life that can soothe things for me...but the hole in my heart never leaves.
*BETRAYED. By my body...by the "CIRCLE OF LIFE" thing that is just supposed to happen...but doesn't. By numerous people I thought were "friends"...
*ROBBED. Of the life I COULD be having right now...robbed of the ability to trust people, since I have been used and emotionally abused by many of them...

This list could go on forever...but I will end the negatives here.

*HOPE. I have great hopes that this will still happen for me. I have had positive results with the drugs I have been on, so we just need that egg and sperm to meet one more time!!!
*HAPPINESS. I have moments of happiness with my husband. I have had 7 WONDERFUL years of getting to know him. Getting to a wonderful place in our marriage. Learning how to live with each other, and stay in love. Especially knowing that our marriage is a SOLID place for our baby to come to.
*ANTICIPATION. Because I know when that baby comes, it will be the most loved baby.
*MATURITY. Had I been a mom in my early 20s, I know I wouldn't be the same mom as I will be now.
*PEACE. That I am still trying. That I am doing my part. And that if I keep doing this, I will have no regrets even if it doesn't happen. I tried, and I think that will count for something in the end.
*GRATITUDE. For the things I do have. Health insurance that covers pretty much everything of our current treatments. A wonderful husband, and Dad who love and support me. 2 wonderful cats that love me.
I hope 7 is a lucky number for me! Here's hoping!!!

Being Human...

2011-03-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Is rough. Now let me preface this by saying this is not directed at any one person. It's about being human and how we really can't control, try as we might, to control how we feel. Something that is seriously getting on my nerves lately is the green monster of jealousy. I don't know if I was just born with an extra dose of it or what, and no matter how I try to tame that monster, it often rears its ugly head. Specifically when it comes to pregnancy announcements. No matter who, what, when, why, or how, this is the most irrational time that it pops up. I will sit there after the announcement is made and talk to myself about how it's okay, and that I don't mind. But inevitably I will eventually feel the monster take over.
I feel like this makes me a horrible person. I know it doesn't but this is the real reason that I haven't been to any baby showers. This is why I hide out from the world at times. Sometimes I wish that I could turn my brain off. But no matter what....this monster just keeps up it's annoying presence.
I send kudos to those infertile women who are MUCH stronger then I at pushing these thoughts aside. I hope someday down the road I find this monster tamed. But for now I will just keep trying to tame the beast.
Today I am extremely grateful for my husband. He is my rock. He is my buddy....and he doesn't judge me for feeling a certain way because he sees how hard I try. He truly is the most precious gift I have been given in this life. I can't wait for our first vacation together in 5 years!! It will be several days of so much fun, followed by passing our 7 year milestone of TTC, followed by our first cycle back at treatments. It will be a busy time coming up. :)

What's the TRUTH?

2011-03-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

My friend Vicki posted a blog about a Time Magazine article called Does Society Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood? You can check out her thoughts here. And it got me thinking about some things.
First off, the majority of the "Facebook Mom's" that I am friends with, OFTEN complain about being Mom's. Now I may be biased because I don't have children, and don't have to face the daily grind of being a mom. And I also may be biased because I desperately want to be a mom and almost all of these women became mom's without much work. It just seems like maybe being a parent isn't all its cracked up to be? I mean, based off of what I read on Facebook, my answer would be yes.
Of course, there is the biological need to have children, which has enabled our species to thrive (wow that sounded really...scientific). And women seem to have an extra dose of this, I will say my need and desire to have children is much stronger then hubby's.
Also, it gets me thinking, and this is HUGE for me...will I still be as dissatisfied with life, even after having children?? Will I become one of those complaining "Facebook Mom's"? I mean everyone has bad days. I know I do!!! But if I go by what I hear of other women with children say, its WORSE with kids. I know some will argue, but what about the kisses and the I love yous and the grand kids and all those wonderful moments of having children bring to my life? I would say, you have moments like those being Childless. They just come from a different source.
Now don't get me wrong. I will never stop wanting children. I believe in having children, for personal and religious reasons. But I wonder at times if I imagine life a certain way and its just not going to be that way when those babies come? Will I find more satisfaction and joy out of life with the pitter patter of little feet that carry my DNA or my last name? That remains to be seen.
But...based off of Facebook (and Mom's I talk to or hear talking), my answer would be NO.
So please...weigh in with thoughts or comments...I am interested in hearing anything as long as its ADDING to the conversation.

I got bit again...

2011-03-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

with the baby bug! Oh man, those feelings are back with a vengence. I had a little repreive from them over the past 6 months or so, but they are back. I am ready to start down the IF path, sadly there is a road block in the way. Hubby. He has really been struggling lately...its been hard, because I don't know how to help him. I have tried asking him to talk about what is bothering him, but he just says he doesn't know. He just feels sad. I have kind of been wondering if it has been related to the miscarriage, he seemed to just push all his feelings down, and tried to be strong for me. So right now, I am just waiting out his funk, so he hopefully will be ready to try after our trip. I know we are getting to the end of the road with my OBGYN so I know a forced break isn't too far in our future. I know after a couple more rounds of Femara we will have to be moving on to something more intense which will probably be injectables, and they only place that does that is over 30 miles away.
In good news, I got on an Anti-Depressant about a month ago, and I feel SO different. I never knew what it was like to have a pretty steady, consistent mood, but these piils do it for me. I still have bad days, but the edge is gone to them. I have always suspected that I had been depressed, even when I was a teenager. But family members made me feel bad about getting on Anti-Depressants because they believed there was no such thing as depression. But it was interesting, my first day on them even my vision seemed different. It was suddenly like more light was coming in my eyes. Its hard to explain. But my marriage has taken a total 180...my DH just cannot believe the difference in me. He even apologized the other day about how he had treated me. He said he always thought it was just an attitude thing, but now after seeing me on these pills for a month he is a huge believer in depression existing.
So if you are someone reading this, and you have struggled with it, don't hesitate to get help. I am on a pretty low dose of meds, but I WISH I had gone in sooner and talked to a DR about it. And I feel like I will be a better mom too, because I have a lot more patience with people and situations. Life is a lot easier to handle.
So, as far as PCOS, I am waiting for AF to show. If she has come back next Wednesday I am heading in for a progesterone shot, then starting my first round of BCP. I also had my Vitamin D checked, and its low. I am probably going to have my blood work faxed over to my OBGYN, because I am not going to see the Endo anymore. Its a waste of time and money when my OBGYN is doing exactly what they are + more.
So anyhow, that's my update! Hope everyone is enjoying our downward slope to Spring!!! :)

WOW! Its me.

2011-02-21T14:48:00.001-08:00

Well, I am finally blogging after quite a break. There really isn't much to report on the TTC front. I had my annual exam with my OB. He took a look at my ovaries and sadly they are poly cystic again. He said they aren't as bad as last time, but he is concerned. I have to talk to my Endo tomorrow at my appointment about bumping up my Metformin. I am totally fine with that, it seems like really, really gradual works for me, so I probably will be bumping it up this week.
We also discussed me rotating birth control. My Dr was really happy about that suggestion. When I went on one month last year, then off I ended up ovulating. So the hope is maybe it will help me get pg all on my own. But at least maybe help my cycles normalize somewhat.
As far as FUN news, we are headed off to Disneyland in just a little over a month. I am so super excited, but now it seems time has slowed WAY down. So life moves on. I really hope to get pg again sometime this year...but at this point I am not sure when we will be trying the more intense treatments again. We shall see after a few more months.
Anyways, just checking in! Pretty boring update, but thanks for reading if you did! :)

Why do we say this??

2011-02-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

I was writing a post about my miscarriage, and like I have written MANY times I wrote, "I got pregnant last year for the first time in 6 years but I LOST THE BABY."
Why is this a common phrase for women who have suffered a miscarriage? Its not OUR fault. It really is nature's fault. So this sentence really doesn't make sense. But I wonder what effect it has on us subconsiously? Does it make us feel like it was in some way our fault? I know I have questioned it at times...and things like this that come out of MY MOUTH just add to the feeling of inadequacy.
Its insane that these common phrases are used, and we never think about the full impact of our words, even on OURSELVES. Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves in the middle of taking care of everything else, and I have to think that words we say can hurt our OWN feelings at times, we are just to busy to notice.
I probably will still find myself using that phrase...but I really hope I can try to reword it when I do.
“The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to live long enough to wish you had.” ~Grace Mirabella

Baby's Due Date

2011-01-31T14:49:00.000-08:00

Saturday was our baby's due date. Thursday and Friday were hard days. I cried every night. Although I am at peace with things that have happened, it was still hard to think of the fact that baby should be here...
Saturday ended up being a day where I know God's hand was in my life. I had a wonderful, fun day with DH. We have both been in a funk for awhile, and it was much needed. We laughed a lot. We went out and had lunch. We played games. It was just a really good day for us. I hardly even thought of the sadness that surrounded the day.
And it was interesting, yesterday I woke up to AF just showing up all on her own. It was on CD 50, but usually I can't expect her at all without some type of help. So I am hoping this is a good sign for me.
I am going in on Thursday to hopefully get on anti-depressants. I'm still not doing better on that front, and I'm tired of feeling this way.
But I am thankful for my Heavenly Father for providing me a way to cope with this weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...but I know that it didn't just "happen" to be that way.
So, one more month and the beginnings of Spring will be here, and I for one can't wait. I am hoping that some happy times lie ahead for me and that I make some WONDERFUL memories this year. And if I had a surprise BFP thrown in there, I don't know if I would be too sad about that. LOL. But, I hope January was a good start to the year for the rest of you. Thanks for all of your on going support and those who take a minute to write me comments...they really do mean SO much to me.

What lies ahead?

2011-01-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

This is the question in my mind lately. I still have no answer. I haven't blogged for awhile, because I just don't have anything new to blog. I had an epiphany this weekend, where I realized that it was probably for the best that we lost the baby...its still hard, and I wish she was here. But there is a lot going on in our life right now, that I'm not sure it would have been the best for us or the baby. And taking that even a step further, I am to the point now where I look ahead, and I don't even see me TTCing again. The desire is just gone. This is about TTC mind you, not about having a baby in general. People are telling me that after a break it will change, but I'm not sure. I don't feel it changing so far...
I still get sad about the baby, when I see new babies being born on Facebook, when I hear of others having a baby. I get punched in the gut, and I hate that feeling. But if I don't feel to TTC anymore, why do I get this feeling still?
I just want to be normal and have a baby all on our own. I don't want Doctor's to be involved. I don't want to time everything, I don't want to think about it all the time. Its just too much.
So at this point I don't know what lies ahead for us/me. Maybe at some point it will change...but after almost 6 months of "healing" since the miscarriage, I still don't feel any different. I don't want to go back to the TTC world...I really don't.

Why?

2011-01-07T13:35:00.001-08:00

Today I was happy. Had a lovely day with a friend/friends yesterday...was feeling better about plans DH and I were making. Feeling happy and excited about planning our first vacation since 06 and to our favorite place, DISNEYLAND. Then out of the blue the phone rings this morning. DH hands me the phone after someone asks for me.

Lady: Is this Tami?

Tami: Yes?

Lady: Hi this is your lactation consultant from WIC, I was hoping to be able to talk with you before you delivered your baby!"

Tami: Silence. And then "I miscarried."

Lady: Oh I'm so sorry, I must have old paperwork. Was this your first?

Tami: At this point wanting to scream at her YES! And we tried for 6 years for our first! And now here you are making it so I can't just pretend this month isn't my biggest nightmare come true. But I just mumble, "yes".

Lady: Oh well I wish you well with everything.

Hang up.

I mean seriously, I can understand this lady was doing her job, but do they not understand how this could tail spin someone down a hole for awhile?? We know SOMEONE there knows because DH called and told them about a week after it happened.
I was so jumbled at that point, neither of us had any clue something like this was coming. I immediately started sobbing at this point, and after that my whole body just went numb. You all have to realize I have been suffering from depression since the miscarriage. I haven't gotten any help, but today was kind of scary. I have never felt that pit of darkness so deep before. For about an hour it was like I wasn't even aware of what was happening around me. DH was shaking me, and I couldn't even find enough awareness to respond. So needless to say I have an appointment with a Dr next Thursday to get me on anti depressants. So goodie, two doctor's visits next week. :P
I hope though after the appointment this fog I have been living in will lift. I want this to be a good year, and it really seems like it can be. But not with this depression cloud hanging over me....
Anyhow...today sucks.

The year is dying in the night...

2010-12-31T09:51:00.001-08:00

This has been a very hard year for me. I was thinking back over the year, and honestly after July it all became a blur. I can't even really remember the end of Summer, Fall or even when it turned cold. Its all just a blur of pain, sorrow, and grief.
Right now I feel kind of lost. After trying another round of Femara in November, and having it be negative, for some reason I feel beat. I feel no desire to even try anymore. And that is strange for me. So right now, everything just seems to be suspended. I have no clue what the next year will bring, and as of right now, it doesn't include any IF treatments. It might at some point, but I feel I need to separate myself from it.
I have been thinking a lot lately how not having children, ISN'T the end of the world. I want them desperately. But I have a wonderful Husband, and I know if we try, we could have an interesting and fullish life without them. I hate thinking that way, but coming up on 7 years of waiting, I am tired of waiting. I don't know, I think I just need time to recover in every way, and then I will be ready to face the IF world again.
So the plan is we are not doing any IF treatments until probably June of 2011. Then we will reevaluate. I want to try to drop as close to 50 pounds as I can by then (hahaha), but I will try my hardest to get there. We are also planning to run a 5K in May. So hopefully there will be happiness, good memories, and laughter next year. I not even asking for a baby next year. Just not the cloud hanging over me anymore. Having a fun year with DH and being able to accomplish some other goals besides TTC.
So Happy New Year, and may 2011 be the best year yet! :)

Merry Christmas and 2011!

2010-12-24T13:28:00.001-08:00

I have just wanted this year to end. For some reason I think it will leave the grief of losing our baby in the past. Probably not true, but the new year is always refreshing for me. One reason for this is we are going to buckle down and start training hard for our 5K in May. I have gained somewhere around 5 pounds and about 1 inch on every measurement I take. Oi. NOT good for PCOS. I am almost positive it has messed my LH up greatly, so I'm not even sure this cycle is even going to be a complete one.
DH and I are at odds about where to go from here. I am DESPERATE to be pg, and for me that means bypassing reason. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, he is right that we need some time off. But I don't care! I want that baby in my arms like yesterday! But he is right, and I am really trying to give in to reason, but its hard. I do really want to lose weight. I know that it has helped with LH so I have to assume if I lose more, I will be sitting pretty. Ideally I would like to lose about 50 more pounds. So I'm thinking if we try hard we could be there about summer or end of summer. Maybe not though, PCOS is a fickle little disease. Sometimes it releases its grip sometimes it won't. But I know that I would be happier at that weight, I would be able to do more things and I would have a healthier pregnancy. And I want to have a cute little round belly, and at this point I don't see that happening with my gigantic stomach.
Anyways, I have several goals set aside for 2011, and I am hoping to met all of them. They aren't anything major. But they will be important things to me!
Anyways, Merry Christmas to all my blog readers, and a Happy New Year. I hope that truly all your wishes come true!!! :)

For My Baby...

2010-12-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

~ by Wanda Bencke

Turning Point

2010-12-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday and today have been a turning point for me. I don't even know if I can totally explain everything that has happened. Some of it is so personal that it would never make sense to anyone but me. Some if it is SO odd, that it still wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. But I will try to explain a little.
I have come to the realization that my biggest problem with Infertility is I want to carry it all on my own. I want to shoulder the burden and shut off those around me trying to help me carry all the things that come with it. And that is a stupid, stupid move. I thought to myself yesterday about how is this working for you? Seems like its working real well! (Enter rolling eyes here) You are sad and mopey. You don't love and dote on your husband. Your cats have been neglected, oh and have you seen the state of your house today?? So as you can tell, it is not working. Not in any sense of the word.
I feel out of balance. In every way possible. Physically, all of my hard work from earlier this year is gone. I have gone back to eating all of the ridiculous food I was eating before. I have gained around 5 pounds in a matter of a month. I have cried, and cried and cried. So mentally I am out of balance. And Spiritually, I am non-existent. I have this stupid idea that when things get hard, to just shut the spiritual side of my life off. I have no idea why, because this starts the being out of balance. So I have set goals. I set them last night, and so far today has been a failure. But I did one thing good today, I took a walk out in the sun. You might wonder why this is so significant. Well, it is because I don't do that. I don't leave my house usually unless I am with my hubby or have plans. I decided I needed some time in the sun, so I took a much needed walk with a friend. And it helped brighten the rest of my day.
And I know tomorrow will better. I will make another change that will be great and good for me. I have figured out that I am letting infertility have too much control in my life, and I no longer want it to have that kind of power of me. So I will make the changes. I will pick up my scriptures, I will attend church, I will pray for help. I will ask my Savior to help me shoulder this burden, and I will wait and be patient while He works to do that. I will love and appreciate my husband. Infertility will always be there. I will still be working on my goal of being a Mom. But starting today my goal is to not let it control my life. Not let it dictate who I will become.

Where, when my aching grows,
where, when I languish, where, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.
~Where Can I Turn for Peace, LDS Hymn #129 (vs. 3&4)

Who am I?

2010-12-14T14:09:00.000-08:00

I swear I have wrtiten about this before, so sorry if it seems to be a repeat post. I have been thinking about myself lately...who I am, what I am...and I really had to look closely to see I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. I am like a hollow shell of the person I used to be. So much grief, so much sorrow, so much anger and jealousy. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I miss the happy go lucky girl that used to LOVE Christmas, who used to LOVE Summer, who used to be happy with simple things. Now it just seems like that person is gone, and been replaced with someone so dark and sad all the time. I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to. I cry more then I used to.
So I don't know. I have some things to figure out and think about. I have been really thinking lately about seeing a psycholigist, so I might pursue that after the Holiday's if this still lingers. But something has got to give, I can't keep living like this...
This cycle we aren't doing anything. We decided it would just be to stressful since everything would fall around Christmas. I just didn't want to deal with it all. I am not really sure where we are headed though. I don't feel good about going forward but we can't afford IVF or Adoption at this point. Hopefully things will be clearer after some time to think about it all.

First Failed Cycle...

2010-12-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

since our miscarriage, and I find myself on the edge. I don't know why, but for me there just seems to be a fork in the road. People will say, "you have so much more to try!" Yes its true we haven't tried IVF, or injectible drugs either. But financially right now those options aren't even available to us. And I just have to wonder if its just not meant to be. If we timed everything perfectly, and I know we did with this cycle, why didn't it work? Is it some cosmic sign that we are not destined to be parents, at least with a baby that has our DNA?
I built it up in my mind that we would get pregnant again. That this cycle would work because it was the same recipe as last time, and I had worked hard and was down 40 pounds! Haven't I proved that I am serious about wanting a baby? Was my hard work in vain? It really sure does seem that way.
We are nearing 7 years of waiting for our miracle, and I don't see it coming. I see us being destined to live out a childless life. Its horrible that money is always what stands in our way. If we could afford it, I would be starting the adoption process as we speak. But sadly we can't pay for a baby. If I could I would be trying something else...
So, at this point I really don't know what lies ahead. I am tired in every way possible. I am drained of any courage and strength to go forward. I feel defeated. I am almost feeling its time to give up on this dream and to move forward somehow...I guess we will see what happens in the coming weeks...

Roller Coaster...

2010-12-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

There is no better way to explain my life the past week. One minute I am confident and on the top of the hill on the roller coaster, the next I'm in the deepest part of the valley ready to throw in the towel and say its too hard.
I knew it would be hard getting back into the TTC game. But, this first cycle has been more hard then I remember any of my others being. I know its because its the first cycle we have tried since we lost the baby, and that right there brings a lot of other emotions in to play. And you add those to the hormones already pumping through my body, and it is NOT a good combination!
Nate told me he is sick of this cycle because I am driving him nuts. Well, I do understand that, but if he is nuts by the little contact he has with me, he should think about me having to live with my brain 24/7!!!
I just for some reason hope and pray that I am pregnant before my due date rolls around. But I know that is asking a lot. I was talking to my Dad about my Mom last night and just asking about her history. She had at least 2 miscarriages, 1 still birth and 1 unwanted abortion. My Dad said it took her at least a year to get pregnant again after her miscarriages. So that popped my bubble a little. But I also talked more with him about my little sister Amanda's still birth. And it really touched me, because I now can understand how hard that must have been for my mom. And her having to choose to abort the other baby who they named Elizabeth. You bond with the baby so fast as soon as you know they exist. I read somewhere, I can't remember where, about how the divine nature of a woman is to nurture, protect, and love. And as soon as she knows that baby is growing inside her she becomes all those things to it. And I believe it. I remember just being in awe of this little life growing inside me and begging it and my Heavenly Father to let it stay with us. I can't imagine being my mom and going through almost 9 months of having that little one grow inside me just for her to pass away.
I know there are many people out there praying for us, and I know that that is where I draw a lot of my strength and courage to keep trying. Right now these infertility treatments are our only option. So, we keep going with it. I just want to tell those who read my blog and constantly say loving, kind, encouraging words, that they are SO appreciated. I remember when I first started to realize, clear back 5 years ago or so, that there was going to be a problem with us getting pregnant. I wanted to hide it from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I was broken. But I have found a lot of healing since I have started opening up about my struggles. I have felt them become lighter through loving neighbors and friends. I have felt the happiness that comes from being able to help others, to sympathize with them. Even if its not the same exact trials. It has made my heart more able to see the suffering and sorrow so many carry with them.
So, back to the roller coaster I go! If you hear screaming, its just me! :)

It's just TORTURE!

2010-11-29T15:10:00.001-08:00

Getting pregnant is torture. It feels like its always waiting. And I am so tired and sick of it all! You wait for your period to end, you take your meds. Then you wait for your ultrasound, then you wait to ovulate, then you wait to find out if it worked. I mean its just really torture. Nearing 7 years of it especially is making it seem REALLY old.
Sometimes I really do feel like just giving up. Moving on and saying you know what? We are done trying. If it happens great. If not, then lets have an interesting life anyways. It almost feels like you are holding your breath, and if you let it out, it will be the end of the world.
As some point I will give up. But I am not sure where that point is. Sometimes I think its close, sometimes I think its far away. I feel just like I am treading water just trying to keep my head above water and giving up means the end of the world too.
*Sigh* Just ready for things to get better, move forward...something to happen! Sheesh!

What is that weird feeling???

2010-11-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

Is it...PRIDE?? Seriously. I am notorious with those that know me that I consistently NEVER see something through. I give up on stuff, mostly myself, way easy. But today I ran a mile in 11 minutes 45 seconds. That is awesome for me. And if I can squeak in 4.6 more pounds I will have lost 50 pounds since April. Normally by this point I would be totally back at my old habits, gaining back everything I had lost. But this time I feel like its attainable for me. So what if it takes me 3 more years to lose the next 50 that I would like to lose? Who cares??
You might be thinking this isn't infertility related, but really it is. Because when I got my diagnoses of PCOS last September, after many years of suspecting it, it felt like a life sentence. That I would always be fat, that I would always be childless, that I would always have acne, lose my hair, and have messed up hormones. But as I have pushed my OWN boundaries, I have found out that its not true. Sure maybe some of the other things might not change, but I have changed my life for the better, and proved to MYSELF that my destiny is in my hands. And if I do some of my own work, of growing and changing, things might not have to be the way they seem.
I hope beyond all hope that this brings me my dream of a baby. But I think there are more important lessons to be learned along the way. Like its important to have goals. Its important to pick yourself and dust yourself off and keep trying to reach your goals, even if at moments they seem unattainable.
I am just super proud today. :)

Bring the Rain...

2010-11-17T15:58:00.001-08:00

My friend Vicki blogged about a Christmas song, and it inspired me to write about a song that has come to mean alot to me over the past month or so. Bring the Rain by MercyMe.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

I will just leave it at that. It really explains how I feel about my Savior...and I don't know what I would do without Him!

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I cannot compute....

2010-11-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

How stupid I can be at times...I mean really?? Its there for you and black and white everywhere and yet you choose to pretend its not true!!!
Case in point:
Sitting here thinking about my meds, and suddenly the light bulb comes on. Uhhh. You haven't taken your prenatals for like a week or more?? Hello?? Moron.
2nd Case in point:
I know PCOS is a hormonal issue. I know that there are DIRECT LINKS between what you eat, how you eat, and how much you exercise. But I like to pretend its not true. Like I am not looking at it so its not there right?
Yeah. I'm a moron. But, I can cut myself a little slack, because hey, I just can. When you are taking as many meds as I am, and having to remember what day it is, and planning your life around Doctor's appointments, there is bound to be a few slip ups. I just wish the 2nd case in point were not happening. It is the one irritating me the most.
I need a good brain scrubbing to get me back on track...no clue how to do that though, and it sounds dangerous. :P

Numbness

2010-11-10T21:14:00.000-08:00

I realized today while my brain is going a mile a minute that I am numb to a lot of things. I used to just CRY when I would hear people are pregnant. My reaction now? "Figures". That's right. I am numb. I don't feel that whiplash across my heart anymore when I hear someone is pregnant. Phase? Maybe. It kind of stinks to have all this armor around my heart. But, its the only way I figured out to protect myself.

Its so interesting to me how people forget how much a miscarriage hurts. I feel like people just want to ignore the fact that I lost a child. That still to this day that pain and hurt is right there in my heart. It has only faded a little. Maybe its because they have never experienced it? Maybe its because they don't know what to say? Maybe its because they think that I should have gotten over it, I mean it was only the most blissful, happy, joyful, life changing 9 weeks of my life! Why am I NOT OVER IT???

I have to try to be numb towards these things though. The pain is to real to just add another whiplash to my heart. People disappoint you. I have disappointed people. I have hurt people's feelings. But I KNOW this experience has made me realize that compassion is probably the greatest thing to give someone. I hope I never forget that. Even if someday I get my dream of having my own baby. I hope I never forget to show compassion to those around me.

And I hope I also don't get SO wrapped up in my baby/husband/little family that I forget there are other's out there who need me to reach out to them. God didn't put me through this trying experience just to totally forget it when I finally have my baby in my arms. I know He did it for me to understand many people, and understand their suffering. I have already seen this purpose in play.

This post is all over the place. I often wish I could write like so many wonderful blog writers I know. They just write how they feel so eloquently. I sound like an insane person...and that kind of makes sense! Hahaha.

Just call me Mrs. Grinch...

2010-11-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

I know these are going to be the hardest holiday's emotionally that I have ever faced. I feel myself being sucked down by depression, and I am trying with all my might to claw myself out of it. This Christmas probably would have been the second greatest of all time for me. We would have gotten baby items as gifts. There would have been a lot of anticipation as the baby would have been due only a dozen or so weeks from now. Next Christmas would have been the best finally having my little family together. I keep trying to console myself by saying that its still a possibility for next Christmas. But, I miss my baby, and really how do you console yourself?

I know my spirit is not in good shape either. I think spiritually there are some unanswered questions about why I have been tested in this way. After waiting for so long be given a glimpse of what my life should be/could be just to have it ripped from me after only 9 weeks...its not that I am angry at God so much, but more of a "why?". I know its my limited view and if I could see Eternity His purposes would be clear blah blah blah. That doesn't help me right now when my arms ache for my baby...I try to remember that at least He understands how very real this pain is. How constant, how empty my life feels. I have to think that way...

So, as you can tell the title suits this post completely right? Have I gotten you all depressed?? Geez...Sorry for the downer on your holiday season, but I hope that it reminds some people that its easy to get caught up with our own families, our own shopping, our own happiness, that we forget to look around us to see that others are lonely, and sad this Christmas.

I am thankful for the blessings I do have though, especially my husband. Sometimes him and my cats are the only things that keep me going. So there are blessings even for those that aren't able to have the life we wish for.

The prayer in my heart this holiday season is that I don't have much longer to wait for my miracle. That my turn to have my dream come true, my prayer answered is not too far away....

Take that PCOS!!!

2010-10-29T18:48:00.001-07:00

So. Here it is. I am no longer on break. Technically haven't been since earlier this month. I had a Dr's appointment today to get my prescriptions to start trying again next cycle. YAY! Good News: I Ovulated on my OWN!!!!!! Huge for me! Bad News: We weren't trying hard enough. So there really is no way its this month. BUT. Good News: I have really high optimism that I will respond well to the drugs, and will hopefully be pregnant soon. Prayers, thoughts, anything really is appreciated!!
I am also still cyst free which is GREAT. I was worried that I wouldn't be. So. All in all, it was a very encouraging visit. Have 2 weeks to wait for my next cycle, and then we are in the race again! :D
40 pounds lost so far, and it seems it has REALLY helped my body. So what will ANOTHER 40 pounds do??? I am intrigued!! (Unless of course I get pregnant before then!)

It's Tough...

2010-10-17T22:08:00.001-07:00

As the first of the "family" holiday's approach, I start to get a little wary. I hate that its just 3+ straight months of family and children. We kind of get pushed to the side, and let the "real" families have their time. Don't get me wrong. Someday when I am hopefully a mother, I will LOVE the holidays. But now, especially after losing my little angel, I feel an even bigger hole in my heart. This Christmas would have been full of anticipation of bringing our first miracle into the world. We would have gotten baby supplies as gifts. We would have been having fun buying cribs and carseats, and being anxious, and wondering if we would make good parents...
I hope they aren't hard for me, but I have learned that the grief is buried inside until something comes along to rip the hole open again...I am expecting January to be a hard month...I sometimes wonder if I will even survive it.
I'm trying to hold on to hope. And praying that this baby tries to come to our family again VERY soon. For now I am going to try to be in survival mode. Wish me luck.

Prespective from the other side! (Hubby!)

2010-10-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

This is Nathan writing here. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to follow Tami and her thoughts and feelings on what we’ve been enduring over the past six and a half years. I would like to try to finally write and share some of the feelings I’ve had about the infertility struggles we’ve had.
I am a very un-emotional person. Over the course of my life I learned to just hold my feelings in and not show them outwardly. I think somewhere psychologically it was ingrained in me that showing emotion was weakness.
Over the years that I’ve been married to Tami she’s been able to help me express my emotions more frequently. Coaxing me that just sharing how I feel at the time to open up communication between us and create a closer relationship.
Infertility has been a harder thing for me to cope with than people might think it has. I don’t think many who read or follow this blog know me very well, but I’ve grown up absolutely adoring children. I grew up the oldest of seven children. I also had seven 2nd cousins growing up that we saw at least every Sunday. This meant that I had plenty of opportunities to baby-sit and otherwise interact with young children. I find some of the greatest joy in life in cuddling a child in my arms, chasing them around a room or a yard, playing a game with them, any interaction that can produce a smile on their face. I once remember a talk that a leader in our Church gave in Conference. (General Conference is a bi-annual gathering where leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints speak to us and give us advice and warnings) In her talk she spoke of being “creators” and she said, “If you’ve ever coaxed a smile out of a child, that makes you a creator.” I remember how warmly I felt upon hearing that, because it made me feel that my relationship with the children in my life had actual meaning.
So naturally, after I met and married Tami, having children together was the next big step that I was looking forward to. After about three months of marriage we decided to give it a shot so we tried…..and we tried….and we tried….. I spent the most of six and a half years supporting Tami as she dealt with the emotions of infertility I think I often hid my own or put them on the backburner. This is what I’ve wanted MOST out of life for SO long and now it seems that it may not ever happen for me.
The feelings of inadequacy and feeling left out started coming in. I often kept feeling, “Will I never be able to hold a child in my arms and say, ‘This is mine!’?” Will I never be able to have that feeling of their first steps? First day of school, their first date, all experiences my friends and family were going to be able to enjoy. Am I going to be watching them from the sideline?
It’s not to say that the void is left completely wide open. I am very proud to be an Uncle to seventeen of the cutest nieces and nephews in the world! I love the relationship I have with them. To see them smile and run into my arms (or even to run away from me giggling) really can make my day and helps heal the hurt I carry from not being a father. But after spending time with them the other side of the coin flips over. Though I love them and have a great relationship with them, they’re not MY children. I’m not the one who they see after getting up in the morning, I’m not the one they turn to when they have problems at school, I’m not the one that tucks them in at night. Also, one day I will not be a huge part of their lives as an Uncle. Those parts of my relationship with children are still left unfilled.
Now, it’s getting to be hard to even watch others have children without getting emotional. We were even watching “Friends” the other day and the episodes that were rotating around Chandler and Monica finding out they were going to get a baby made me tear up. It brought the need and want of a child of my own directly to my heart at that moment. We really want to start trying again as soon as possible, but finances are really tough and we have other burdens to take care of at the moment.
I love Tami so much and want to give her everything. But I know what she wants most is to become a mother and I haven’t been able to give that to her. I know that she has conditions that play a part in our fertility but I can’t help but wonder what I contribute (or what I don’t) towards our struggles that we’ve endured.
“One day”….that’s all I can put as a closing to what I write about our attempts at having children. That expresses our hope as we look toward the future, perhaps one day we will finally be holding our own child in our arms. We will be so grateful when that day comes and look forward to a lifetime of caring, loving, struggling, bonding and so much more when that blessed child comes to join our family!

Sunday was a hard day...

2010-09-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

We were sitting in Sunday School near a little baby probably around 4 months old or so. And the whole meeting I was just holding back tears. I was about to turn to DH and scream..."WE ARE TRYING AGAIN!" My arms just ache badly to hold my baby...I want so desperately to be a Mom...someday's its the all consuming thought, all day long. I don't want to be on break. I hate being on break. Why do I have to be on break????
I'm trying to keep myself out of the depression spiral, I have felt it lift a little over the past couple of weeks. So I don't want to do this to myself. Its hard.
I am just ready to be a Mom....

The Weather Matches My Mood...

2010-09-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

Sour...you know one of those days (weeks...months...) where you want to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in behind you? That's me. Finding out people are pregnant...finding out people are having a life. Mine is done...stalled. And I'm asking myself, why am I still here? 6 and a half years of infertility...3 years of being stuck living with family...when does it end? Feels like all of my life is just an endless round of garbage.
Yeah. I probably need to get treated for depression. But I am SO sick of doctors...dentists...anything and everything to do with medical/health professionals I have given myself permission to take some time off.
But seriously. My life is at a stand still. At least when we were in our own place I had a home to be proud of. Something to call mine. Now its just living off the mercy of others. And no matter what I/we try to do, it doesn't get any better. The money situation doesn't change. The car situation doesn't change. The place we have to live doesn't change...
I'm getting so sick of it, that I just am ready to be done. If I'm not learning, changing, growing, progressing anyway, what's the point? Isn't that why I am here?
Life sucks. Period. End of story.

Infertile and LDS...and other things...

2010-09-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to write about what it means to me to be infertile and be a member of the church I belong to. For those who don't know, our church is special, in that we believe that families can be eternal. We believe that through sacred ordinances performed here on earth, it binds us together as a family.

Because our church is unique, its hard to fit in if you don't fit in with the family persona. Honestly I feel damaged. I feel like I'm not good enough to sit with the ladies in our weekly church meeting together because I'm different somehow. I feel like my true potential is wasted. That what I was sent here to do, to fulfill, is never going to happen. I'm defective essentially.

I know in God's eyes He doesn't see me that way. I understand that. I have felt that. I know that He loves all His daughters whether they are mother's or not. BUT. That doesn't help with the feeling of alienation that comes along with not being able to fulfill the most fulfilling thing that would happen in this life...

I feel at times no matter what I do, my life will never have the meaning it COULD have had. It won't matter if I get some prestigious job, or I win the Noble Peace Prize. I will never, EVER, feel complete in this life. And that's a hard thing to live with day in and out. Some days I don't succeed. Probably a lot of days...I question what's the point?

I had this discussion with my WONDERFUL Dad last night which is why it has been on my mind. He asked me pointedly. Well what support are you expecting? It was hard to answer being asked so pointedly what I was expecting. But the answer came. FRIENDSHIP. As we talked about it though, I realized the one thing that I need, I probably will never get. Women have families....husbands and children needing to be taken care of. This takes up probably 90 percent of their life. And the rest is spent doing things for the church or doing things for themselves. I don't fit in there either. I want to have a friend that I can call up and chat too. I want a friend who will go have lunch with me. Who I see at least a few times a week. Who knows me...who I can do the GIRL things with...

And here she is...

There is the woman that would have fulfilled the role I'm longing for now....someone I know only from pictures and what others have told me. Really a stranger. But just like my baby...someone who left a hole in my heart.
So this post has taken on a life of its own. I'm not looking for sympathy, just telling it like it is. Its hard to be a part of my religion and try to fit in...but the reason I keep going back is because I need the relationship with God. I'm not sure what His purpose is in all this, maybe I will never know. All I can do is survive...just like everyone else...

Birth Control...here I come...

2010-08-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

Yep, have an appointment this friday to get it started. In good news I finally had my first period since the miscarriage, and it was a breeze really. Minus the total PMS that had me screaming at my hubby for a few days (poor guy). I don't know how my Dr is going to feel about us taking an extended break, but we gots to do what is best for us finanically/health/emotional wise. I'm quite worried about taking birth control though, just because one of the side effects I always here of is weight gain. My Dr even mentioned it to me when we were talking about taking a break in the first place.
I have gotten some recommendations from some ladies with PCOS though for which ones are good, and I'm thinking I'm going to opt for Ortho-Trycyclin LO. But we will see what my Dr says. I am just praying for no weight gain.
So, that's what is new with me. I feel like this blog is becoming useless because we aren't really trying anymore. But I know its good for me to be able to let my feelings out, and write.
So wish me luck on this new experience! :)

Delayed Reaction...

2010-08-26T15:32:00.001-07:00

So first off, the post before this was supposed to be on my family blog...lol. I noticed it the day after I posted it, and well, I just don't care.
Its been a rough couple of days. Something inside me just feels like it has snapped. As I have been thinking about how my mind deals with grief, I think that delayed reaction is it exactly. I remember when my Grandma died in 2006 I cried right away. I cried at the funeral. But it wasn't until 3 or 4 months after that I really grieved. I don't know if its just a defense mechanism that I have built inside of myself to make coping with everything after someone dies easier...I'm not sure. But needless to say here I am 2 months after I lost my little baby, and the grief is more consuming then ever. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep and cry. I'm trying hard not to let the depression win. But so far it is.
Maybe people think less of me by reading this. But like I said, I would be honest about my feelings. This week has just been a struggle and I'm really hoping that its not one of those lingering depressions.
September has some fun things in it. But its just such a strong reminder to me that I would have known what sex my baby was. I just can't wrap my mind around the grief that is in my heart and soul. And while there is a part of me that is desperate to try again, there is a bigger part of me that doesn't ever want to try, ever again. I don't know if I could handle losing another part of myself, which is essentially how I feel about the miscarriage...like part of my soul was ripped out of me.
I feel like sharing what I wrote about a month ago. I am NOT good at poetry...but I like to write because it makes me feel better to get my feelings out. I don't even think of it as a poem...its just kind of there...

Empty arms that long to hold you.
Lonely heart that longs to love you.
Barren tummy that misses its roundness.
Dreams and hopes that are dashed to pieces.

Consuming grief with no ending.
Quiet home missing memories.
Whispered prayers full of longing.
Tears on a pillow, never ceasing.

Ours for seconds, but ours forever.
Your memory forever etched on our hearts.
We try to move on, find happiness again.
But we will never forget those seconds with you...

Update...

2010-08-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

I thought since it had almost been a month since I updated, I should. So the 2 people that read my blog will keep reading. LOL.

So this month has mostly been full of Dental work. I went in for an xray and to talk about what work I needed done. It was horrible. I started crying so bad the dentist had to give me the gas to make me stop. It was that bad. Weird thing is though right after we left Nate's tooth started bothering him. 2 days later he looked like a chipmunk. I should tell him to give me that picture he took of his face all swollen. He had an impacted tooth, which is essentially a tooth that has become infected. We had to get a hold of the dentist on Sunday, he sent over some prescriptions for pain and amoxicllin to get the infection out. He ended up having to go to a dentist though and have his gum cut to let the infection out. Then I got to have a root canal later that week, and then he had one a week later. Then I had 2 hours of fillings on half of the teeth that need them. Now we both need crowns, and I have more filling waiting for me! So yeah, the dental bills are piling up...just what we need!

Other then that it has been a really quiet month for us. Nate has been trying to pick up extra shifts to try to help cover the costs of the dental work, so most the time I am home alone... :P Not the funnest thing, but I am grateful for a husband who will work that hard.

September will be a fun month. Nate's 30th Birthday is coming up and we have some fun ideas for what we are going to do. So I'm sure I will blog about that later.

Here is just a few recent pics I wanted to add.

Just recent cuteness. Not crazy about the pic...but it is what it is!

My new hair cut, and color. My friend Katie is so awesome, I just love my hair!!

A Hard Day...

2010-08-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard one....after seeing about 3 women with big bellies at Ross, I turned to DH and said "we would have been finding out what we were having soon." We about had a break down right there in the store.
Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. And I hate the days when it hits you right between the eyes. I really am hoping and praying we get to go to Disneyland next Spring...we have not had enough fun lately...

MIA...

2010-08-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

My monthly cycle that is. Yep. Over 5 weeks out from the D&C and she has yet to show up. See this is what I HATE about PCOS. It doesn't matter that statistically you are more fertile after a miscarriage. PCOS doesn't play by the rules, at all...
I know I should be going in to get a progesterone shot, but I have 3 dentist appointments looming in front of me. I figure do as much as I can handle, and the root canal I am facing tomorrow has gotten me pretty much frazzled. I don't need to add needing to run to the bathroom in there.
Yep so next month we would have found out what sex the baby was. I am still in the "why did this even happen, what was the purpose" phase of things. Was it to give us hope? Was it to give us a glimpse into what its like to experience everything? I really don't know...and maybe there is no answer for me.
I have been tempted to see if we could do 1 cycle next month. There is a huge part of me that wants to, but there is also a part of me that wants to make this a true break. But it is hard when we have all the prescriptions for the meds...we got pregnant on the first cycle, I keep thinking if this is proof that we could be lucky and have it happen again. But then I think of going through a loss again so soon...could I emotionally handle that? I don't know...
See how unfun it is to be in my brain? These circles just run around endlessly in my mind! Its so hard coming into this world without some type of road map...some type of future vision. I sometimes feel like I am stumbling around in the dark.
Well, if you don't see me blog ever again you will know the root canal did indeed kill me. I'm not ruling that out as a possibility. (Yes this is a true indication of how totally freaked out I am over it....) Wish me luck!

A Breath of Fresh Air

2010-08-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like I will always be a childless woman. I know someday that might change. But right now, its like this cloud that hovers over me. It feels as though there is ALWAYS something to remind me about the miscarriage or the fact that I don't have children. I see someone from my past, and though they were a year or two younger then me, they already have 4 children. And seeing them is always inevitiably followed by "so do you have kids?" And I know in the future it will be replaced with "so do you have any grandkids?"
I look at the date on a calander and I can't help be think, "I would be this many weeks...we would be getting close to finding out the sex...my belly would be getting bigger..." It goes on. I don't even want to begin thinking about how I will feel when my due date comes around. And next year is my 10 year high school reunion. While I would love to go, its something I will have to think about as the time gets closer.
But I know there is a reason for all of this. God has proven to me time and time again that He see's the beginning and the end. And while I may not see a reason for it right now, I will in time.
I read this last night, and it was one of those moments where I feel God is speaking directly to me and giving me comfort.

"...Sing O barren, thou that didst not bare; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child...
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed but my kindess shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." --3 Nephi 22:1,7,8,10

Some things that are right...are just so WRONG!

2010-07-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

Being on break just stinks. BIG TIME. I mean, I know there are a TON of reasons why we are on break. And they all are good reasons. But its hard. As much as I hate being in the thick of it all...I actually want to be back there, actively trying.
Things have been good for Hubby and I. The break has taken the pressure off and we are starting to have more fun together. The mood is just more relaxed. And its been good. I just can't imagine waiting a WHOLE YEAR to start trying again.
I am still trying to deal with the miscarriage. I am ok most the time, but then there are times I think about how far along I would be at this time, and I can't help but shed a few tears. I miss my baby desperately...but I also have faith in my Heavenly Father that He knows what's best. And whatever the reason was our baby couldn't come to Earth at this time was a good reason.
I was reading on the r house blog today (you can find the link on the left side under my blog list) and she was talking about how eventually going through infertility made her feel special, and unique. And most the time I do feel that way. I get more time with husband, (who makes me laugh so hard....I will have to eventually tell the story of "bum pits" because it still makes me laugh and smile to this day!!). I have more free time to pursue things I would like to learn. I have quiet time to think and ponder things of a spiritual nature. I get to spend countless hours talking to my wonderful Dad, and I know I will cherish those hours when he is gone. There are many positives to a childless life. But there is always an ache in my heart...
So I will continue to struggle forward, and learn how to cope with it all. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and it has brought my anxiety out of the woodwork again...which stinks. I have pretty horrible teeth like my mom and grandparents. All of my molars have some type of decay on them. So it will take awhile to get it all under control. If its not one thing, its another, and I just feel like what more can this body take? Seriously??
But like my Dad said to me "You will get through it. It will be hard, but just like everything else, you will get through it."
And I will. :)

Going on Break After All...

2010-07-18T09:32:00.001-07:00

We will be taking a break from infertility treatments, probably for a year. I have 3 teeth that are in really bad shape, and Nate has probably twice as many. So we are going to focus on that for the next while. While its sad, we have neglected our teeth for WAY too long. I will probably blog on my family blog more then this one for now, you can find it on the right hand side called Journey Towards Forever. TTFN! :)

Hard To Start Over Again....

2010-07-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

So, today was my first Dr's appointment since my D&C. Just a check up to see what was going on, how we were. I was very surprised and happy that my Dr asked us how we were doing emotionally. I know some women have to be on Anti-Depressants after miscarriages, and I feel very fortunate that I haven't spiraled into a depression. I have to say I know that its because of 2 things. One is my husband, he has been such a support, so sweet and caring, and optimistic. The other is my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of His great plan, and that He is watching over me. I would feel so lost without this knowledge.

The Dr's appointment wasn't very easy. Being there just brought back all the feelings of what happened. Not to mention everywhere I turn there is a big belly bump....that's the hardest part I think of going to the Dr's.

So we are back on the treatment road. Just waiting for a fresh cycle to start and then begins the drugs, shots, and ultrasounds...how I have learned to hate that ultrasound machine...it has become the bane of my existence I think. Well, that and my stupid weight issues...but that's another post. Its funny because the nurses don't even give me instructions anymore in the ultrasound room. They know I just know.

I just pray that we are blessed with another baby soon. My Dr is optimistic, and so am I. It will happen when its supposed to, this I know for sure. The waiting is hard. The trying is hard. But it will all be worth it in the end.

I also wanted to share my new necklace. I got it from the r house, you can find her blog here: http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ she has a store on Etsy, you can find it on the right hand column of her blog. I just decided what I wanted and asked for it. I love it...it already has a very special meaning for me. There is something about the little jade bird that touches me...I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I feel like my baby grew wings, or maybe I feel like I'm growing wings after all the experiences I have been through. I'm not sure. Anyhow! I highly recommend her stuff.

Well, its just a waiting game (again!). I'm sure I will be blogging more now, so I hope you will all check back often. :)

The Reality...

2010-07-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

Is...
...I am completely and absolutely devastated.
...I am afraid to start crying, because when I do it lasts for hours and feels like I will never stop.
...My heart is broken.
...This is probably harder then anything else I have experienced.
...I am terrified of this happening again and again, the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me forever.
...I want to scream when I realize I am back at square one and facing treatments, pills, shots, hours at the Dr's office, and tons of money out the door if I want this to happen again.
...I really wonder why this had to happen to me when millions of women have happy and healthy first pregnancies.
...People just expect me to be "over it" and I'm just not, and really don't know if I ever will be.
...I can hardly stand to think of the milestones I would have been hitting, and I am terrified for when my due date comes around.
...Its made me question why even more, some people are given children when they don't deserve or even want them.
...I often wonder why if this is our trial, why we can't have more money...why this has to stand between me and my chance of trying again.
...Its made me realize how much I take my husband for granted, and how he truly is my best friend and soul-mate.
...I feel more grateful for the Spirit and its whisperings of comfort. I don't know how people live without it...I couldn't.
...I have developed a greater love and respect for my Savior. When I think about how I feel inside, and how He must have felt suffering for all the pains and sins of the world, how truly UNBEARABLE that must have been...
...I want to try again...but am still deciding when that will be...

The Worst Day

2010-07-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

We found out our baby left us today. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. Its been very hard, so I don't know when I will be back to the infertility blogging world. We appreciate all the prayers and support. I will be back, hopefully soon.

Gotta do this...

2010-06-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

Click on my other blog, Journey Towards Forever, on the right side of this blog to see something great! :)

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Emergency Emotional Shutoff...

2010-05-14T20:33:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about how closed down I am emotionally. I'm trying to explore some of these things about myself while we are on break. I'm trying to learn why I am the way I am about things. Especially with TTC, mostly since starting treatments last fall, I have totally disconnected myself from the whole process. Emotionally I completely shutdown. If one cycle failed it would just be oh well, time to focus on what's next. And maybe that's normal. But it isn't for me. I feel the heartbreak in there, deep under many layers and locks. But lately I have a hard time just letting true emotion have its place in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I have turned my heart into stone. Things have been kind of strained and tense between Nate and I. We have a lot of stress hanging over us, and aren't sure how its all going to play out. But I feel emotionally disconnected from our marriage. I feel emotionally disconnected from myself, and from life. And I honestly don't know how to turn that around! I want to be able to let myself cry, or be angry, or hurt especially to be truly happy for a moment....but I feel I betray others when I am. Maybe even betray myself...I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone and it would feel good. What has happened to me? Has trying to get pregnant turned me into someone I don't recognize or even want to be?
I don't even know if these thoughts even really make sense. I'm sure some of what's happening is my body and souls way of protecting itself from the pain that surrounds me everyday. But I want to be to feel the pain sometimes, not be numb to it every second. I need to grieve. I need to feel emotion...I need to feel my heart beating and my soul still feeling alive. Maybe I need to seek professional help, I don't know. But something I think needs to happen for me to make it out of this process with my heart intact.
I have had a lot of hard things happen to me in my life. I saw a counselor awhile ago, who after hearing my story said, "It seems like your life has just been consumed with loss." And I couldn't disagree. My life has been hard. I know others out there definitely have it harder then I do. But that doesn't make my life any less hard. Sadly a lot of the things I have been through are there everyday....somehow I reminded that I'm severely overweight, or that my Mom isn't here, or that I don't have children....or that anxiety controls my life to the point where I can't even get out there and accomplish the worldly things I should be...I wish these things would just give me a break. Some rest. Some relief.
This will be a process. I'm sure I will talk about it more, as I explore this who topic within myself. And maybe even get help.... :)

Deep Breath

2010-05-10T20:15:00.001-07:00

So, we are going on break from treatments. Not preventing, just taking a break from drugs and doctors visits. I feel relaxed about it, and glad that we can take the summer to accomplish some of our goals. But always in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should just keep going. Especially because this month we found a combination that was successful at making me Ovulate. But we need the break. Our marriage needs it, and I personally need it.
Mother's Day came and went. I survived. I have some really nice women in our neighborhood who care about me, but I mostly hibernated. Its a day where I give myself a break from pasting on the smile and pretending I'm happy about that new pregnancy announcement or hearing the "baby talk". Hubby doesn't really get it, and that's okay. I don't understand all of his feelings either. :)
My birthday is next month, I will be 27...inching closer and closer to that 30...I really thought when I was younger I would have kids by now. It is really heartbreaking, to the point where I don't even look forward to my birthday anymore. It is just another reminder for me, that life is just not what I thought it would be at this point.
*Sigh* Sorry about the depressing post. Its just been a long couple of weeks, and I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps. Hopefully summer will come along and I will get out of this funk. :) Toodles!

Activate: Hibernation Mode

2010-05-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

MOTHER'S DAY....the dreaded holiday, that I have dreaded since even before TTC...man has this day ALWAYS been hard for me. Losing my Mom when I was but a tiny 4 year old girl, I remember in classes they would always do projects for Mom's. I would sit there and watch the other girls talk about how there mom's were going to love their gifts. And at church I would witness all the Mommy-worshipping....it has always been a hard day for me.
More and more this holiday reminds more and more of what I don't have in my life. A Mom to run to, when DH is being dumb....or to help me go through all these hard things with trying to get pregnant. My arms are empty of my own baby...
Yeah, its a hard holiday. I am not saying that Mom's don't deserve recognition. They do. Sometimes I think we forget the meaning of Church at times though. Even other day's then Mother's and Father's day. We are there to worship the Savior, and sometimes that gets lost a long the way.
It sounds like we will be spending Mother's Day with DH's family (enter eye roll here...I mean big grin!) It won't be that bad. I just want to hide out in my room that holiday though. I don't want the sympathy pats and hugs, and the sympathy "gift" on the way out of church, which usually ends up in the garbage.

*Sigh* I just miss my mom...and my baby.....

Happy NOT Mother's Day.

Glimpses...

2010-04-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

Most Moms and Dads will disagree with this post, but to me it proves to me that my thought is accurate. I honestly believe that as Childless people we can get glimpses of what its like to be a parent. We have Furbabies who get sick, who need to be fed, and need attention. We watch our families kids, and at least I have watched them for sometimes a week at a time. So we learn what its like to lose sleep, to deal with emotional issues, to feel the tiredness that comes after chasing kids around for hours.
Today I had to take my precious baby Angel to get spayed. I sobbed....literally. I felt like my heart was ripped in two and I just could not stand leaving her there. So I got a glimpse of the heart wrench some parents go through.
But I firmly believe those who have NOT suffered with infertility don't know even in the slightest way what it feels like to be infertile. You just can't know. There is really no experience like it. I think about all the things, the endless doctor's visits, the medicines with all there side effects. The alienation by people you thought loved you and cared about you. (And I fully expect these people to want to be a part of our lives once we have kids, and they are in for a rude awakening...but that's a whole other post...) You feel defective. You wonder what the future holds for you, and it all the possibilities scare you. For me especially I think about when we are old...who will take care of us?? Who will help us when we are old and need help?? So far its looking like no one...
I have ran into people that have thought they could identify with infertility. But they were sadly mistaken. Why can't these people just accept they don't know, and want to learn more about how to support those who they know are suffering?
Even when I talk to mom's who "vent" to me how hard it is to be a mom, I know I can't understand in the way they do. I can think about the glimpses I have had when I have played the role of a parent. I think its just safe to assume when someone is talking, just caring is all that is required. Not advice, not some miracle cure that for some reason "no one" (ha!) has told us. Just remember we all need to feel someone cares. That's the most important thing...

Our Story...

2010-04-28T20:33:00.001-07:00

I made this video today, to try to participate in NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) some more. Enjoy. :)

**Music is Dancing by Elisa. I love this song. :)

What if....?

2010-04-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

What if I have to learn to live childless with a smile…forever?

Wow...talk about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?

When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.

How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?

Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?

Smile
tho' your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin

What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?

Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.

It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.

I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.

***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.

If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http:// www.resolve.org/infertility101

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge

If you want to know more about Project IF head over to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)

What happened to my month of miracles?

2010-04-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

I kept telling myself this all last week. This is a month of miracles! The resurrection, the fomration of the church...why can't it be a month of miracles for me??
For me, the possibility of bad news just doesn't seem to end. I was curious why I was getting + OPK's, having symptoms of an increase of progesterone, and nothing was happening. There is a condition called Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome. There is debate if it truly does exist because hormonally the woman still goes through the same hormone changes as if ovulation has occured. And I fit the symptoms almost to a t...the treatment is what is called a trigger shot (what I got this cycle). If the first one doesn't work, they are supposed to up the dose...then if that doesn't work...IVF. Can you believe that??? This is just nuts...
I want my miracle...even if it doesn't come through a positive pregnancy test...I just so desperately want to be a mom, and all the time that goes by the drive becomes even more consuming.
I just hope my time of miracles is coming...I'm getting a little impatient waiting...

Results are in....

2010-04-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

GIANT CYST. Here is the story. I went on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the Femara. There was some positive signs on the right side with a follicle of 22 MM. Perfect size to Ovulate out of. Well, I wasn't seeing my regular dr because he was out of town. This dr says, come back in on Friday and we will take another look. Went back in today and it had grown from 2.5 CM to 4.05!!!!!! How is that even possible?? I have no idea. Everyone I have talked to is as confused as me. The Dr gave me an HcG shot (in the butt of course) which is supposed to trigger ovulation, and now I am in SO much pain. This just really sucks. But it cemented in my decision to finally go see a specialist. So at the beginning of May we will start our journey with Reproductive Endocrinologist in Salt Lake. Ugh. Money, Money, Money. I hope they let us do things slowly so we can try to pay everything off...Its hard to figure out how to do that with an under 30,000 dollar a year salary. Geez.
We are also thinking if nothing has happened by September we are going to sign up with LDS family services adoption. Don't know if anything will happen of it. The good news is that Nate's company will reimburse for a big chunk of it. So, that may be where we end up. I guess we will see.
I am just praying I don't end up in the ER...the pain just keeps increasing...I don't know if it means the cyst is going to rupture, of if by some MIRACLE I am ovulating...I just don't want it to ruin my one good ovary.
It is hard to have a break down at the Dr's too. I held it together until we were walking out to the car...and I just lost it. I'm trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for doing this...its just hard to see that when your heart is aching.
So, I will let you all know what happens over the next little while. Probably not much. Oh and Nate and I decided to try out the South Beach Diet. Does anyone have the book they don't use anymore? LOL. I just hate to buy it. Especially because now we have to watch every dollar. So anyhow. I will keep you posted.

My life was changed yesterday...

2010-04-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

...and everyday by the scriptures. Yesterday especially though. I was reading in 2 Nephi 9:39 "...to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."
This has really spoken to me over the last couple of days. Its true. When I focus on eternal principles, it makes things that are not going good or making my life harder, not so bad. Sure they still hurt, they are still hard. But, with eternal perspective they don't seem as bad, God's timetable comes into view and I remember why I was sent here to Earth. Having children is part of that, I'm not going to deny it. BUT its not the most important part. The most important to me is summed up in Jenny Philips song Valiant Faith. Part of it says "I want to return to His arms unashamed."
God knows in my heart there is a desperation to become a mother. Specifically a Mother who knows her Savior and Heavenly Father and has strong desires to teach any children sent to her home this every day.
So what more can I do? Exactly what I am doing, but turning all outcomes to Heavenly Father...and trusting that His vision sees all. Even when I question this huge "stumbling block" in my life, remembering His timetable, His vision, His desire for me to return to His arms, also. Its hard to hand over trust to someone. But, if you have to, why not to the one who sees the beginning AND the end?
So, about what is happening right now. I'm waiting to see if I ovulate. I got a positive ovulation strip yesterday. But I feel like I'm having a repeat of February. All the signs of Ovulation, but it doesn't happen for some reason. Honestly I think its stress. I need to learn to relax and let things come. I am just such a controller. Stress is THE worst thing for trying to have a baby...and its THE one thing that I am the best at!
So we will see what happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully its not more cysts or a huge cyst. I hate those things with a passion!
I also just wanted to say, I know there are many of you out there praying for us, and I want to say thank you for those prayers...we have felt them. We have been uplifted by them...they have been a huge blessing in our life. So thank you! We love you all! :)

It's like I'm the Incredible Hulk...I think....

2010-03-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

First off...I want to say thank you for the sweet and absoleutly needed comments that 2 of you left me last time. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do. At times I feel this blog may help others, at times I feel it offends others. At times I feel completely insane and wonder how anyone could put up with me!
I have so many pills running around my system, that sometimes I don't know if these are my real feelings or not. And sometimes a few days later I realize I was completely irrational...Case in point being yesterday. I was a mess. Yelling at Nate for like an hour. About stupid things. Then coming home and bawling my eyes out over something stupid. And feeling like my life is hopeless. Honestly this isn't me at all. Before I started all these medicines it took a lot for me to cry. I had learned how to turn off the water works before they even started.
So I'll just continue to blog for now. Because, it is an emotional outlet for me, and if one day its private realize it might not stay that way. Hahaha. That's why I think I'm the Incredible Hulk. He's fine, then something sets him off, and he turns into the giant green monster. Hey at least I'm strong and could crush rocks to take my mind off things!
I had to get a shot in my butt a week ago...it hurt like a mother. It felt like I had a welt there for a few days, and I couldn't even lie on that side in bed. But lovely, it made my period show up semi-early, so today is Cycle Day one. I get to try a new drug this time, that isn't supposed to have as many side effects. I just really hope I respond to them. If I don't we will have to move on to injectibles, and those are pretty pricey. I think we figured out about 1-200 dollars a cycle. Ugh. So needless to say I'm running out of options. If the injectibles don't work, its a long shot for IVF to work, and so at that point we may be at a dead end road for now. That scares me. But I'm trying to have faith that this new drug I start on Saturday will work.
I am now going to be taking 4 Metformin a day, 1 prenatal, synthryoid, femara for cycle days 3-7 and estrogen spray from cycle day 8 until I Ovulate. I'm tired of pills. And I'm getting really sick of vaginal ultrasounds. My dr didn't think my period would show up until a week from tomorrow. He is going on vacation at the end of the week, so there is a chance I might be flying solo this cycle. I just am really hoping and praying this month it works. April marks 6 years we have been trying to start our family. Its going to be a hard month just with that reminder.

Anyhow, thank you for your support and understanding. Especially when it may not necessairly make sense. Just realize it doesn't always to me either! Happy Thursday! :)

I have decided...

2010-03-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

To make this blog private. Honestly, I haven't been feeling much support from those in my life, I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable or mad. But I have decided I'm not going to talk openly about my infertility stuff anymore. Its just to personal, and I believe should only be shared with those select few (none???) that are a positive influence in my life.
My other blog is still open and available for anyone to read, but I really don't update either one all that often. Thanks for reading if you have read this. :)

It's free for everyone else...

2010-02-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

but not me! That is how I am starting to feel about having a baby. So before I dive into all that, I'll just talk about my surgery first.
My surgery went well. I was really pretty nervous the morning of the surgery. They took me into a room and had me put on this really comfy gown! I was surprised that it was pretty modest. And easy to put on. Then they took me into the prep room, and gave me Oxycontin, just one pill, and something else, I can't remember. Started the IV (ouch!) my first one ever, but honestly wasn't as bad as I thought. After about 5 minutes I didn't even remember it was there. They pumped me full of antibiotics, and then just did the normal take BP, Temp, etc. Then at the special request of my Dr he had me put on some compression hose, to prevent blood clots. They weren't too bad. At this point we were just waiting for my Dr to get there. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me and he was really nice. I told him I was nervous but he made me feel better. I was literally sweating at this point though, just being nervous. Then it was time, said good bye to Nate, and was wheeled into the surgery room. Had me slide over to the special table, my Dr came in and held my hand while they put me to sleep. I was out within a few seconds. Then I was waking up...apparently I was telling Nate about being on a TV show in my dream...King of Queens...weird. It was so hard to wake up. I just wanted to cry because I felt SO tired! The kept telling me to wake up, and I just kept saying I'm tired! I want to sleep. But surprisingly we were home by around 12:30. Slept mostly the next couple of days, and then started to feel like I was coming out of the haze. Today is 1 week later, and I feel almost completely back to normal...its like it almost didn't happen.
So I had a Lapraoscopy, a D&C, a procedure called and HSG where they shoot dye in you to make sure your tubes are open, and had a polyp removed. The Dr said it all went good, and everything looks normal now, but I that's all I really know about what he found. He gave us a copy of the pictures, so I'm sure he will review them when I have my post op next week.
But seriously, this surgery is costing us 1800 dollars, and that's only for the hospital portion. The Anithesioligist will bill us separately and so will the Dr. Grrrr. So this is where it's free for everyone else, but is costing us SO much money! And that just adds to how hard infertility is!!! I looked up how much the next drugs I will be put on (most likely) and they start out not to bad, up to freak how can we afford this! Not to mention having to be more monitored by my Dr, so copays and anything not covered gets billed to us. And then its not even a guarantee!!!! Argh. Its all just so annoying, and I wish we had more money, and yeah. I'm glad we are doing what we can to make this happen. I feel like I have to for my peace of mind. But sometimes I just think...REALLY? I guess I should feel blessed to have an insurance that covers infertility at all...in reality Nate getting this job feels like it was supposed to happen. I just wish he could get a raise/promotion soon!
Anyways, that is what's new! And so yeah! Now just a countdown to my post op when my Dr says we will "sit down and come up with the GRAND MASTER PLAN." LOL...My dr is awesome... :)

Am I still on Earth?

2010-01-19T22:47:00.000-08:00

BCP, TTC, LAP, MET, BFP, BFN, IUI, IVF, MC, PCOS, BD...and the list goes on. If someone would have told me when I graduated from High School that I would be able to just look at that list and know what each of them meant, I would have laughed....hard. But I do know what these mean. I feel like I have been transported to another planet that I never knew existed. And many, many, many, people don't even know exists!
Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing I have ever faced. Yes, even losing my Mom at a very young age and growing up in a house full of boys. I sometimes wonder why I was chosen to have this trial. Why I have been given such a hard thing to deal with in my life. I just have to assume that God wants me to do something with it. I'm still looking for exactly what it is He wants me to do...but I feel I get closer a little at a time....

When the going gets tough...

2010-01-14T19:20:00.000-08:00

the tough get going. Only problem is, I really am a wimp. Things are getting hard and stressful for me. Exactly one week from tomorrow is my pre-op appointment. It seems like time has slowed WAY down...I am so nervous. But hopeful. But nervous...
I wonder all the time, will this be worth it? Will it lead to us having children? What if its worse then my dr thinks? What if its not salvageable?
I really thought TTC was hard before. But honestly getting into all the medications and the questions and surgery and etc it all adds a whole other "hard" to the equation. I really just hope this leads to our dream. I don't know what I will do if this doesn't change things much. Sometimes I don't know if I will even be able to stand it...

Open mouth, insert foot...

2010-01-12T21:19:00.001-08:00

I find myself feeling this way a lot lately. Its like infertility has made me so fiesty. Maybe even mean. I am currently on the activites committee for Relief Society, and I question why I have been asked to be on it. I just hate to be left out, and because I have been left out a lot in the past 5 years, I hate to think of anyone else being left out. So when they plan some of these activities, I just see people being left out.
Maybe my problem is I want Relief Society to be a substitute for having real live friends. I have friends online, but honestly unless my friend from Cali comes to visit, its a no girlfriend time EVER year. Its hard because being childless, you are automatically put into this group that no one wants to touch. People think you are contagious almost, at least it seems that way. I need friends, I need people to laugh with and bounce ideas off of. But at times it seems to much to ask.
I wonder if mom's realize that those of us without children need friends? I guess maybe they see me as someone they just can't relate to, but why can't we just love and support each other even though maybe our lives aren't exactly the same?
The funny thing is my husband and I have been snubbed by other infertile couples too. And that has always just surprised me. I would love to have support from other people going through the same things, but they seem to think someone is spying on us and it will be the end of the world if we are seen together.
I'm just lonely. My friend came and visited from Cali this past month, and I got to spend an evening with her, and it was SO nice. We laughed a lot, we shared a lot. It was just so refreshing and uplifting just to spend that time with someone and know they cared about me.
I pray for Heavenly Father to send me a friend. But so far it has been an unanswered prayer....

The Truth that is ME today....

2010-01-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

1- I am currently watching Ghost Whisperer between two sleeping cats.

2- I cried at the Doctor's office today. Not pretty, and embarrassing.

3- I am scared about having surgery in a week and a half.

4- I see people from High School, and their families are growing, and it makes me want to cry more.

5- I am so grateful for my husband, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful spouse to go through this hard experience with.

6- I am feeling like their are so many obstacles in my way towards being a mom. At times I wonder if I should give up.

7- I found out today my medication isn't working, but I have to stay on it, for reasons that I don't completely understand.

8- I'm trying hard to be happy with my life. I made a resolution to try harder in my marriage, and so far so good. I have changed in the past 6 years, infertility has made me more depressed and sad. Its time to tell myself its okay to enjoy and love life even though I'm not a mom.

7- Some mom's and pregnant ladies REALLY bug me...

8- I am really grateful for the Dr I was referred to. (Thanks Katie!) Even though at times I get frustrated with him, he has been really good at explaining everything and trying to be aggressive.

9- I am exhausted, I haven't been sleeping good. Partly due to one of my kitties, and partly due to all the things I have on my mind.

10- I think its really weird I had my first cancer scare at 26...grateful it came out negative, but it just seems so young...