What if....?

What if I have to learn to live childless with a smile…forever?

Wow...talk about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?

When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.

How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?

Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?

Smile
tho' your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin

What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?

Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.

It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.

I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.

***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.

If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http:// www.resolve.org/infertility101

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge

If you want to know more about Project IF head over to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)

What happened to my month of miracles?

I kept telling myself this all last week. This is a month of miracles! The resurrection, the fomration of the church...why can't it be a month of miracles for me??
For me, the possibility of bad news just doesn't seem to end. I was curious why I was getting + OPK's, having symptoms of an increase of progesterone, and nothing was happening. There is a condition called Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome. There is debate if it truly does exist because hormonally the woman still goes through the same hormone changes as if ovulation has occured. And I fit the symptoms almost to a t...the treatment is what is called a trigger shot (what I got this cycle). If the first one doesn't work, they are supposed to up the dose...then if that doesn't work...IVF. Can you believe that??? This is just nuts...
I want my miracle...even if it doesn't come through a positive pregnancy test...I just so desperately want to be a mom, and all the time that goes by the drive becomes even more consuming.
I just hope my time of miracles is coming...I'm getting a little impatient waiting...

Results are in....

GIANT CYST. Here is the story. I went on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the Femara. There was some positive signs on the right side with a follicle of 22 MM. Perfect size to Ovulate out of. Well, I wasn't seeing my regular dr because he was out of town. This dr says, come back in on Friday and we will take another look. Went back in today and it had grown from 2.5 CM to 4.05!!!!!! How is that even possible?? I have no idea. Everyone I have talked to is as confused as me. The Dr gave me an HcG shot (in the butt of course) which is supposed to trigger ovulation, and now I am in SO much pain. This just really sucks. But it cemented in my decision to finally go see a specialist. So at the beginning of May we will start our journey with Reproductive Endocrinologist in Salt Lake. Ugh. Money, Money, Money. I hope they let us do things slowly so we can try to pay everything off...Its hard to figure out how to do that with an under 30,000 dollar a year salary. Geez.
We are also thinking if nothing has happened by September we are going to sign up with LDS family services adoption. Don't know if anything will happen of it. The good news is that Nate's company will reimburse for a big chunk of it. So, that may be where we end up. I guess we will see.
I am just praying I don't end up in the ER...the pain just keeps increasing...I don't know if it means the cyst is going to rupture, of if by some MIRACLE I am ovulating...I just don't want it to ruin my one good ovary.
It is hard to have a break down at the Dr's too. I held it together until we were walking out to the car...and I just lost it. I'm trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for doing this...its just hard to see that when your heart is aching.
So, I will let you all know what happens over the next little while. Probably not much. Oh and Nate and I decided to try out the South Beach Diet. Does anyone have the book they don't use anymore? LOL. I just hate to buy it. Especially because now we have to watch every dollar. So anyhow. I will keep you posted.

My life was changed yesterday...

...and everyday by the scriptures. Yesterday especially though. I was reading in 2 Nephi 9:39 "...to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."
This has really spoken to me over the last couple of days. Its true. When I focus on eternal principles, it makes things that are not going good or making my life harder, not so bad. Sure they still hurt, they are still hard. But, with eternal perspective they don't seem as bad, God's timetable comes into view and I remember why I was sent here to Earth. Having children is part of that, I'm not going to deny it. BUT its not the most important part. The most important to me is summed up in Jenny Philips song Valiant Faith. Part of it says "I want to return to His arms unashamed."
God knows in my heart there is a desperation to become a mother. Specifically a Mother who knows her Savior and Heavenly Father and has strong desires to teach any children sent to her home this every day.
So what more can I do? Exactly what I am doing, but turning all outcomes to Heavenly Father...and trusting that His vision sees all. Even when I question this huge "stumbling block" in my life, remembering His timetable, His vision, His desire for me to return to His arms, also. Its hard to hand over trust to someone. But, if you have to, why not to the one who sees the beginning AND the end?
So, about what is happening right now. I'm waiting to see if I ovulate. I got a positive ovulation strip yesterday. But I feel like I'm having a repeat of February. All the signs of Ovulation, but it doesn't happen for some reason. Honestly I think its stress. I need to learn to relax and let things come. I am just such a controller. Stress is THE worst thing for trying to have a baby...and its THE one thing that I am the best at!
So we will see what happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully its not more cysts or a huge cyst. I hate those things with a passion!
I also just wanted to say, I know there are many of you out there praying for us, and I want to say thank you for those prayers...we have felt them. We have been uplifted by them...they have been a huge blessing in our life. So thank you! We love you all! :)

It's like I'm the Incredible Hulk...I think....

First off...I want to say thank you for the sweet and absoleutly needed comments that 2 of you left me last time. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do. At times I feel this blog may help others, at times I feel it offends others. At times I feel completely insane and wonder how anyone could put up with me!
I have so many pills running around my system, that sometimes I don't know if these are my real feelings or not. And sometimes a few days later I realize I was completely irrational...Case in point being yesterday. I was a mess. Yelling at Nate for like an hour. About stupid things. Then coming home and bawling my eyes out over something stupid. And feeling like my life is hopeless. Honestly this isn't me at all. Before I started all these medicines it took a lot for me to cry. I had learned how to turn off the water works before they even started.
So I'll just continue to blog for now. Because, it is an emotional outlet for me, and if one day its private realize it might not stay that way. Hahaha. That's why I think I'm the Incredible Hulk. He's fine, then something sets him off, and he turns into the giant green monster. Hey at least I'm strong and could crush rocks to take my mind off things!
I had to get a shot in my butt a week ago...it hurt like a mother. It felt like I had a welt there for a few days, and I couldn't even lie on that side in bed. But lovely, it made my period show up semi-early, so today is Cycle Day one. I get to try a new drug this time, that isn't supposed to have as many side effects. I just really hope I respond to them. If I don't we will have to move on to injectibles, and those are pretty pricey. I think we figured out about 1-200 dollars a cycle. Ugh. So needless to say I'm running out of options. If the injectibles don't work, its a long shot for IVF to work, and so at that point we may be at a dead end road for now. That scares me. But I'm trying to have faith that this new drug I start on Saturday will work.
I am now going to be taking 4 Metformin a day, 1 prenatal, synthryoid, femara for cycle days 3-7 and estrogen spray from cycle day 8 until I Ovulate. I'm tired of pills. And I'm getting really sick of vaginal ultrasounds. My dr didn't think my period would show up until a week from tomorrow. He is going on vacation at the end of the week, so there is a chance I might be flying solo this cycle. I just am really hoping and praying this month it works. April marks 6 years we have been trying to start our family. Its going to be a hard month just with that reminder.

Anyhow, thank you for your support and understanding. Especially when it may not necessairly make sense. Just realize it doesn't always to me either! Happy Thursday! :)

I have decided...

To make this blog private. Honestly, I haven't been feeling much support from those in my life, I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable or mad. But I have decided I'm not going to talk openly about my infertility stuff anymore. Its just to personal, and I believe should only be shared with those select few (none???) that are a positive influence in my life.
My other blog is still open and available for anyone to read, but I really don't update either one all that often. Thanks for reading if you have read this. :)

It's free for everyone else...

but not me! That is how I am starting to feel about having a baby. So before I dive into all that, I'll just talk about my surgery first.
My surgery went well. I was really pretty nervous the morning of the surgery. They took me into a room and had me put on this really comfy gown! I was surprised that it was pretty modest. And easy to put on. Then they took me into the prep room, and gave me Oxycontin, just one pill, and something else, I can't remember. Started the IV (ouch!) my first one ever, but honestly wasn't as bad as I thought. After about 5 minutes I didn't even remember it was there. They pumped me full of antibiotics, and then just did the normal take BP, Temp, etc. Then at the special request of my Dr he had me put on some compression hose, to prevent blood clots. They weren't too bad. At this point we were just waiting for my Dr to get there. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me and he was really nice. I told him I was nervous but he made me feel better. I was literally sweating at this point though, just being nervous. Then it was time, said good bye to Nate, and was wheeled into the surgery room. Had me slide over to the special table, my Dr came in and held my hand while they put me to sleep. I was out within a few seconds. Then I was waking up...apparently I was telling Nate about being on a TV show in my dream...King of Queens...weird. It was so hard to wake up. I just wanted to cry because I felt SO tired! The kept telling me to wake up, and I just kept saying I'm tired! I want to sleep. But surprisingly we were home by around 12:30. Slept mostly the next couple of days, and then started to feel like I was coming out of the haze. Today is 1 week later, and I feel almost completely back to normal...its like it almost didn't happen.
So I had a Lapraoscopy, a D&C, a procedure called and HSG where they shoot dye in you to make sure your tubes are open, and had a polyp removed. The Dr said it all went good, and everything looks normal now, but I that's all I really know about what he found. He gave us a copy of the pictures, so I'm sure he will review them when I have my post op next week.
But seriously, this surgery is costing us 1800 dollars, and that's only for the hospital portion. The Anithesioligist will bill us separately and so will the Dr. Grrrr. So this is where it's free for everyone else, but is costing us SO much money! And that just adds to how hard infertility is!!! I looked up how much the next drugs I will be put on (most likely) and they start out not to bad, up to freak how can we afford this! Not to mention having to be more monitored by my Dr, so copays and anything not covered gets billed to us. And then its not even a guarantee!!!! Argh. Its all just so annoying, and I wish we had more money, and yeah. I'm glad we are doing what we can to make this happen. I feel like I have to for my peace of mind. But sometimes I just think...REALLY? I guess I should feel blessed to have an insurance that covers infertility at all...in reality Nate getting this job feels like it was supposed to happen. I just wish he could get a raise/promotion soon!
Anyways, that is what's new! And so yeah! Now just a countdown to my post op when my Dr says we will "sit down and come up with the GRAND MASTER PLAN." LOL...My dr is awesome... :)