**Music is Dancing by Elisa. I love this song. :)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Our Story...
I made this video today, to try to participate in NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) some more. Enjoy. :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
What if....?
What if I have to learn to live childless with a smile…forever?
Wow...talk about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?
When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.
How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?
Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?
Smile
tho' your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin
What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?
Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.
It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.
I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.
***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.
If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http:// www.resolve.org/infertility101
If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge
If you want to know more about Project IF head over to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/
***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)
Wow...talk about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?
When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.
How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?
Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?
Smile
tho' your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin
What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?
Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.
It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.
I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.
***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.
If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http:// www.resolve.org/infertility101
If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge
If you want to know more about Project IF head over to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/
***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
What happened to my month of miracles?
I kept telling myself this all last week. This is a month of miracles! The resurrection, the fomration of the church...why can't it be a month of miracles for me??
For me, the possibility of bad news just doesn't seem to end. I was curious why I was getting + OPK's, having symptoms of an increase of progesterone, and nothing was happening. There is a condition called Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome. There is debate if it truly does exist because hormonally the woman still goes through the same hormone changes as if ovulation has occured. And I fit the symptoms almost to a t...the treatment is what is called a trigger shot (what I got this cycle). If the first one doesn't work, they are supposed to up the dose...then if that doesn't work...IVF. Can you believe that??? This is just nuts...
I want my miracle...even if it doesn't come through a positive pregnancy test...I just so desperately want to be a mom, and all the time that goes by the drive becomes even more consuming.
I just hope my time of miracles is coming...I'm getting a little impatient waiting...
For me, the possibility of bad news just doesn't seem to end. I was curious why I was getting + OPK's, having symptoms of an increase of progesterone, and nothing was happening. There is a condition called Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome. There is debate if it truly does exist because hormonally the woman still goes through the same hormone changes as if ovulation has occured. And I fit the symptoms almost to a t...the treatment is what is called a trigger shot (what I got this cycle). If the first one doesn't work, they are supposed to up the dose...then if that doesn't work...IVF. Can you believe that??? This is just nuts...
I want my miracle...even if it doesn't come through a positive pregnancy test...I just so desperately want to be a mom, and all the time that goes by the drive becomes even more consuming.
I just hope my time of miracles is coming...I'm getting a little impatient waiting...
Friday, April 9, 2010
Results are in....
GIANT CYST. Here is the story. I went on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the Femara. There was some positive signs on the right side with a follicle of 22 MM. Perfect size to Ovulate out of. Well, I wasn't seeing my regular dr because he was out of town. This dr says, come back in on Friday and we will take another look. Went back in today and it had grown from 2.5 CM to 4.05!!!!!! How is that even possible?? I have no idea. Everyone I have talked to is as confused as me. The Dr gave me an HcG shot (in the butt of course) which is supposed to trigger ovulation, and now I am in SO much pain. This just really sucks. But it cemented in my decision to finally go see a specialist. So at the beginning of May we will start our journey with Reproductive Endocrinologist in Salt Lake. Ugh. Money, Money, Money. I hope they let us do things slowly so we can try to pay everything off...Its hard to figure out how to do that with an under 30,000 dollar a year salary. Geez.
We are also thinking if nothing has happened by September we are going to sign up with LDS family services adoption. Don't know if anything will happen of it. The good news is that Nate's company will reimburse for a big chunk of it. So, that may be where we end up. I guess we will see.
I am just praying I don't end up in the ER...the pain just keeps increasing...I don't know if it means the cyst is going to rupture, of if by some MIRACLE I am ovulating...I just don't want it to ruin my one good ovary.
It is hard to have a break down at the Dr's too. I held it together until we were walking out to the car...and I just lost it. I'm trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for doing this...its just hard to see that when your heart is aching.
So, I will let you all know what happens over the next little while. Probably not much. Oh and Nate and I decided to try out the South Beach Diet. Does anyone have the book they don't use anymore? LOL. I just hate to buy it. Especially because now we have to watch every dollar. So anyhow. I will keep you posted.
We are also thinking if nothing has happened by September we are going to sign up with LDS family services adoption. Don't know if anything will happen of it. The good news is that Nate's company will reimburse for a big chunk of it. So, that may be where we end up. I guess we will see.
I am just praying I don't end up in the ER...the pain just keeps increasing...I don't know if it means the cyst is going to rupture, of if by some MIRACLE I am ovulating...I just don't want it to ruin my one good ovary.
It is hard to have a break down at the Dr's too. I held it together until we were walking out to the car...and I just lost it. I'm trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for doing this...its just hard to see that when your heart is aching.
So, I will let you all know what happens over the next little while. Probably not much. Oh and Nate and I decided to try out the South Beach Diet. Does anyone have the book they don't use anymore? LOL. I just hate to buy it. Especially because now we have to watch every dollar. So anyhow. I will keep you posted.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
My life was changed yesterday...
...and everyday by the scriptures. Yesterday especially though. I was reading in 2 Nephi 9:39 "...to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."
This has really spoken to me over the last couple of days. Its true. When I focus on eternal principles, it makes things that are not going good or making my life harder, not so bad. Sure they still hurt, they are still hard. But, with eternal perspective they don't seem as bad, God's timetable comes into view and I remember why I was sent here to Earth. Having children is part of that, I'm not going to deny it. BUT its not the most important part. The most important to me is summed up in Jenny Philips song Valiant Faith. Part of it says "I want to return to His arms unashamed."
God knows in my heart there is a desperation to become a mother. Specifically a Mother who knows her Savior and Heavenly Father and has strong desires to teach any children sent to her home this every day.
So what more can I do? Exactly what I am doing, but turning all outcomes to Heavenly Father...and trusting that His vision sees all. Even when I question this huge "stumbling block" in my life, remembering His timetable, His vision, His desire for me to return to His arms, also. Its hard to hand over trust to someone. But, if you have to, why not to the one who sees the beginning AND the end?
So, about what is happening right now. I'm waiting to see if I ovulate. I got a positive ovulation strip yesterday. But I feel like I'm having a repeat of February. All the signs of Ovulation, but it doesn't happen for some reason. Honestly I think its stress. I need to learn to relax and let things come. I am just such a controller. Stress is THE worst thing for trying to have a baby...and its THE one thing that I am the best at!
So we will see what happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully its not more cysts or a huge cyst. I hate those things with a passion!
I also just wanted to say, I know there are many of you out there praying for us, and I want to say thank you for those prayers...we have felt them. We have been uplifted by them...they have been a huge blessing in our life. So thank you! We love you all! :)
This has really spoken to me over the last couple of days. Its true. When I focus on eternal principles, it makes things that are not going good or making my life harder, not so bad. Sure they still hurt, they are still hard. But, with eternal perspective they don't seem as bad, God's timetable comes into view and I remember why I was sent here to Earth. Having children is part of that, I'm not going to deny it. BUT its not the most important part. The most important to me is summed up in Jenny Philips song Valiant Faith. Part of it says "I want to return to His arms unashamed."
God knows in my heart there is a desperation to become a mother. Specifically a Mother who knows her Savior and Heavenly Father and has strong desires to teach any children sent to her home this every day.
So what more can I do? Exactly what I am doing, but turning all outcomes to Heavenly Father...and trusting that His vision sees all. Even when I question this huge "stumbling block" in my life, remembering His timetable, His vision, His desire for me to return to His arms, also. Its hard to hand over trust to someone. But, if you have to, why not to the one who sees the beginning AND the end?
So, about what is happening right now. I'm waiting to see if I ovulate. I got a positive ovulation strip yesterday. But I feel like I'm having a repeat of February. All the signs of Ovulation, but it doesn't happen for some reason. Honestly I think its stress. I need to learn to relax and let things come. I am just such a controller. Stress is THE worst thing for trying to have a baby...and its THE one thing that I am the best at!
So we will see what happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully its not more cysts or a huge cyst. I hate those things with a passion!
I also just wanted to say, I know there are many of you out there praying for us, and I want to say thank you for those prayers...we have felt them. We have been uplifted by them...they have been a huge blessing in our life. So thank you! We love you all! :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
It's like I'm the Incredible Hulk...I think....
First off...I want to say thank you for the sweet and absoleutly needed comments that 2 of you left me last time. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do. At times I feel this blog may help others, at times I feel it offends others. At times I feel completely insane and wonder how anyone could put up with me!
I have so many pills running around my system, that sometimes I don't know if these are my real feelings or not. And sometimes a few days later I realize I was completely irrational...Case in point being yesterday. I was a mess. Yelling at Nate for like an hour. About stupid things. Then coming home and bawling my eyes out over something stupid. And feeling like my life is hopeless. Honestly this isn't me at all. Before I started all these medicines it took a lot for me to cry. I had learned how to turn off the water works before they even started.
So I'll just continue to blog for now. Because, it is an emotional outlet for me, and if one day its private realize it might not stay that way. Hahaha. That's why I think I'm the Incredible Hulk. He's fine, then something sets him off, and he turns into the giant green monster. Hey at least I'm strong and could crush rocks to take my mind off things!
I had to get a shot in my butt a week ago...it hurt like a mother. It felt like I had a welt there for a few days, and I couldn't even lie on that side in bed. But lovely, it made my period show up semi-early, so today is Cycle Day one. I get to try a new drug this time, that isn't supposed to have as many side effects. I just really hope I respond to them. If I don't we will have to move on to injectibles, and those are pretty pricey. I think we figured out about 1-200 dollars a cycle. Ugh. So needless to say I'm running out of options. If the injectibles don't work, its a long shot for IVF to work, and so at that point we may be at a dead end road for now. That scares me. But I'm trying to have faith that this new drug I start on Saturday will work.
I am now going to be taking 4 Metformin a day, 1 prenatal, synthryoid, femara for cycle days 3-7 and estrogen spray from cycle day 8 until I Ovulate. I'm tired of pills. And I'm getting really sick of vaginal ultrasounds. My dr didn't think my period would show up until a week from tomorrow. He is going on vacation at the end of the week, so there is a chance I might be flying solo this cycle. I just am really hoping and praying this month it works. April marks 6 years we have been trying to start our family. Its going to be a hard month just with that reminder.
Anyhow, thank you for your support and understanding. Especially when it may not necessairly make sense. Just realize it doesn't always to me either! Happy Thursday! :)
I have so many pills running around my system, that sometimes I don't know if these are my real feelings or not. And sometimes a few days later I realize I was completely irrational...Case in point being yesterday. I was a mess. Yelling at Nate for like an hour. About stupid things. Then coming home and bawling my eyes out over something stupid. And feeling like my life is hopeless. Honestly this isn't me at all. Before I started all these medicines it took a lot for me to cry. I had learned how to turn off the water works before they even started.
So I'll just continue to blog for now. Because, it is an emotional outlet for me, and if one day its private realize it might not stay that way. Hahaha. That's why I think I'm the Incredible Hulk. He's fine, then something sets him off, and he turns into the giant green monster. Hey at least I'm strong and could crush rocks to take my mind off things!
I had to get a shot in my butt a week ago...it hurt like a mother. It felt like I had a welt there for a few days, and I couldn't even lie on that side in bed. But lovely, it made my period show up semi-early, so today is Cycle Day one. I get to try a new drug this time, that isn't supposed to have as many side effects. I just really hope I respond to them. If I don't we will have to move on to injectibles, and those are pretty pricey. I think we figured out about 1-200 dollars a cycle. Ugh. So needless to say I'm running out of options. If the injectibles don't work, its a long shot for IVF to work, and so at that point we may be at a dead end road for now. That scares me. But I'm trying to have faith that this new drug I start on Saturday will work.
I am now going to be taking 4 Metformin a day, 1 prenatal, synthryoid, femara for cycle days 3-7 and estrogen spray from cycle day 8 until I Ovulate. I'm tired of pills. And I'm getting really sick of vaginal ultrasounds. My dr didn't think my period would show up until a week from tomorrow. He is going on vacation at the end of the week, so there is a chance I might be flying solo this cycle. I just am really hoping and praying this month it works. April marks 6 years we have been trying to start our family. Its going to be a hard month just with that reminder.
Anyhow, thank you for your support and understanding. Especially when it may not necessairly make sense. Just realize it doesn't always to me either! Happy Thursday! :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I have decided...
To make this blog private. Honestly, I haven't been feeling much support from those in my life, I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable or mad. But I have decided I'm not going to talk openly about my infertility stuff anymore. Its just to personal, and I believe should only be shared with those select few (none???) that are a positive influence in my life.
My other blog is still open and available for anyone to read, but I really don't update either one all that often. Thanks for reading if you have read this. :)
My other blog is still open and available for anyone to read, but I really don't update either one all that often. Thanks for reading if you have read this. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)