The Reality...

Is...
...I am completely and absolutely devastated.
...I am afraid to start crying, because when I do it lasts for hours and feels like I will never stop.
...My heart is broken.
...This is probably harder then anything else I have experienced.
...I am terrified of this happening again and again, the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me forever.
...I want to scream when I realize I am back at square one and facing treatments, pills, shots, hours at the Dr's office, and tons of money out the door if I want this to happen again.
...I really wonder why this had to happen to me when millions of women have happy and healthy first pregnancies.
...People just expect me to be "over it" and I'm just not, and really don't know if I ever will be.
...I can hardly stand to think of the milestones I would have been hitting, and I am terrified for when my due date comes around.
...Its made me question why even more, some people are given children when they don't deserve or even want them.
...I often wonder why if this is our trial, why we can't have more money...why this has to stand between me and my chance of trying again.
...Its made me realize how much I take my husband for granted, and how he truly is my best friend and soul-mate.
...I feel more grateful for the Spirit and its whisperings of comfort. I don't know how people live without it...I couldn't.
...I have developed a greater love and respect for my Savior. When I think about how I feel inside, and how He must have felt suffering for all the pains and sins of the world, how truly UNBEARABLE that must have been...
...I want to try again...but am still deciding when that will be...

The Worst Day

We found out our baby left us today. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. Its been very hard, so I don't know when I will be back to the infertility blogging world. We appreciate all the prayers and support. I will be back, hopefully soon.

Gotta do this...

Click on my other blog, Journey Towards Forever, on the right side of this blog to see something great! :)

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Emergency Emotional Shutoff...

Lately I have been thinking about how closed down I am emotionally. I'm trying to explore some of these things about myself while we are on break. I'm trying to learn why I am the way I am about things. Especially with TTC, mostly since starting treatments last fall, I have totally disconnected myself from the whole process. Emotionally I completely shutdown. If one cycle failed it would just be oh well, time to focus on what's next. And maybe that's normal. But it isn't for me. I feel the heartbreak in there, deep under many layers and locks. But lately I have a hard time just letting true emotion have its place in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I have turned my heart into stone. Things have been kind of strained and tense between Nate and I. We have a lot of stress hanging over us, and aren't sure how its all going to play out. But I feel emotionally disconnected from our marriage. I feel emotionally disconnected from myself, and from life. And I honestly don't know how to turn that around! I want to be able to let myself cry, or be angry, or hurt especially to be truly happy for a moment....but I feel I betray others when I am. Maybe even betray myself...I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone and it would feel good. What has happened to me? Has trying to get pregnant turned me into someone I don't recognize or even want to be?
I don't even know if these thoughts even really make sense. I'm sure some of what's happening is my body and souls way of protecting itself from the pain that surrounds me everyday. But I want to be to feel the pain sometimes, not be numb to it every second. I need to grieve. I need to feel emotion...I need to feel my heart beating and my soul still feeling alive. Maybe I need to seek professional help, I don't know. But something I think needs to happen for me to make it out of this process with my heart intact.
I have had a lot of hard things happen to me in my life. I saw a counselor awhile ago, who after hearing my story said, "It seems like your life has just been consumed with loss." And I couldn't disagree. My life has been hard. I know others out there definitely have it harder then I do. But that doesn't make my life any less hard. Sadly a lot of the things I have been through are there everyday....somehow I reminded that I'm severely overweight, or that my Mom isn't here, or that I don't have children....or that anxiety controls my life to the point where I can't even get out there and accomplish the worldly things I should be...I wish these things would just give me a break. Some rest. Some relief.
This will be a process. I'm sure I will talk about it more, as I explore this who topic within myself. And maybe even get help.... :)

Deep Breath

So, we are going on break from treatments. Not preventing, just taking a break from drugs and doctors visits. I feel relaxed about it, and glad that we can take the summer to accomplish some of our goals. But always in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should just keep going. Especially because this month we found a combination that was successful at making me Ovulate. But we need the break. Our marriage needs it, and I personally need it.
Mother's Day came and went. I survived. I have some really nice women in our neighborhood who care about me, but I mostly hibernated. Its a day where I give myself a break from pasting on the smile and pretending I'm happy about that new pregnancy announcement or hearing the "baby talk". Hubby doesn't really get it, and that's okay. I don't understand all of his feelings either. :)
My birthday is next month, I will be 27...inching closer and closer to that 30...I really thought when I was younger I would have kids by now. It is really heartbreaking, to the point where I don't even look forward to my birthday anymore. It is just another reminder for me, that life is just not what I thought it would be at this point.
*Sigh* Sorry about the depressing post. Its just been a long couple of weeks, and I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps. Hopefully summer will come along and I will get out of this funk. :) Toodles!

Activate: Hibernation Mode

MOTHER'S DAY....the dreaded holiday, that I have dreaded since even before TTC...man has this day ALWAYS been hard for me. Losing my Mom when I was but a tiny 4 year old girl, I remember in classes they would always do projects for Mom's. I would sit there and watch the other girls talk about how there mom's were going to love their gifts. And at church I would witness all the Mommy-worshipping....it has always been a hard day for me.
More and more this holiday reminds more and more of what I don't have in my life. A Mom to run to, when DH is being dumb....or to help me go through all these hard things with trying to get pregnant. My arms are empty of my own baby...
Yeah, its a hard holiday. I am not saying that Mom's don't deserve recognition. They do. Sometimes I think we forget the meaning of Church at times though. Even other day's then Mother's and Father's day. We are there to worship the Savior, and sometimes that gets lost a long the way.
It sounds like we will be spending Mother's Day with DH's family (enter eye roll here...I mean big grin!) It won't be that bad. I just want to hide out in my room that holiday though. I don't want the sympathy pats and hugs, and the sympathy "gift" on the way out of church, which usually ends up in the garbage.

*Sigh* I just miss my mom...and my baby.....

Happy NOT Mother's Day.

Glimpses...

Most Moms and Dads will disagree with this post, but to me it proves to me that my thought is accurate. I honestly believe that as Childless people we can get glimpses of what its like to be a parent. We have Furbabies who get sick, who need to be fed, and need attention. We watch our families kids, and at least I have watched them for sometimes a week at a time. So we learn what its like to lose sleep, to deal with emotional issues, to feel the tiredness that comes after chasing kids around for hours.
Today I had to take my precious baby Angel to get spayed. I sobbed....literally. I felt like my heart was ripped in two and I just could not stand leaving her there. So I got a glimpse of the heart wrench some parents go through.
But I firmly believe those who have NOT suffered with infertility don't know even in the slightest way what it feels like to be infertile. You just can't know. There is really no experience like it. I think about all the things, the endless doctor's visits, the medicines with all there side effects. The alienation by people you thought loved you and cared about you. (And I fully expect these people to want to be a part of our lives once we have kids, and they are in for a rude awakening...but that's a whole other post...) You feel defective. You wonder what the future holds for you, and it all the possibilities scare you. For me especially I think about when we are old...who will take care of us?? Who will help us when we are old and need help?? So far its looking like no one...
I have ran into people that have thought they could identify with infertility. But they were sadly mistaken. Why can't these people just accept they don't know, and want to learn more about how to support those who they know are suffering?
Even when I talk to mom's who "vent" to me how hard it is to be a mom, I know I can't understand in the way they do. I can think about the glimpses I have had when I have played the role of a parent. I think its just safe to assume when someone is talking, just caring is all that is required. Not advice, not some miracle cure that for some reason "no one" (ha!) has told us. Just remember we all need to feel someone cares. That's the most important thing...