Update...

I thought since it had almost been a month since I updated, I should. So the 2 people that read my blog will keep reading. LOL.

So this month has mostly been full of Dental work. I went in for an xray and to talk about what work I needed done. It was horrible. I started crying so bad the dentist had to give me the gas to make me stop. It was that bad. Weird thing is though right after we left Nate's tooth started bothering him. 2 days later he looked like a chipmunk. I should tell him to give me that picture he took of his face all swollen. He had an impacted tooth, which is essentially a tooth that has become infected. We had to get a hold of the dentist on Sunday, he sent over some prescriptions for pain and amoxicllin to get the infection out. He ended up having to go to a dentist though and have his gum cut to let the infection out. Then I got to have a root canal later that week, and then he had one a week later. Then I had 2 hours of fillings on half of the teeth that need them. Now we both need crowns, and I have more filling waiting for me! So yeah, the dental bills are piling up...just what we need!

Other then that it has been a really quiet month for us. Nate has been trying to pick up extra shifts to try to help cover the costs of the dental work, so most the time I am home alone... :P Not the funnest thing, but I am grateful for a husband who will work that hard.

September will be a fun month. Nate's 30th Birthday is coming up and we have some fun ideas for what we are going to do. So I'm sure I will blog about that later.

Here is just a few recent pics I wanted to add.

Just recent cuteness. Not crazy about the pic...but it is what it is!

My new hair cut, and color. My friend Katie is so awesome, I just love my hair!!

A Hard Day...

Today was a hard one....after seeing about 3 women with big bellies at Ross, I turned to DH and said "we would have been finding out what we were having soon." We about had a break down right there in the store.
Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. And I hate the days when it hits you right between the eyes. I really am hoping and praying we get to go to Disneyland next Spring...we have not had enough fun lately...

MIA...

My monthly cycle that is. Yep. Over 5 weeks out from the D&C and she has yet to show up. See this is what I HATE about PCOS. It doesn't matter that statistically you are more fertile after a miscarriage. PCOS doesn't play by the rules, at all...
I know I should be going in to get a progesterone shot, but I have 3 dentist appointments looming in front of me. I figure do as much as I can handle, and the root canal I am facing tomorrow has gotten me pretty much frazzled. I don't need to add needing to run to the bathroom in there.
Yep so next month we would have found out what sex the baby was. I am still in the "why did this even happen, what was the purpose" phase of things. Was it to give us hope? Was it to give us a glimpse into what its like to experience everything? I really don't know...and maybe there is no answer for me.
I have been tempted to see if we could do 1 cycle next month. There is a huge part of me that wants to, but there is also a part of me that wants to make this a true break. But it is hard when we have all the prescriptions for the meds...we got pregnant on the first cycle, I keep thinking if this is proof that we could be lucky and have it happen again. But then I think of going through a loss again so soon...could I emotionally handle that? I don't know...
See how unfun it is to be in my brain? These circles just run around endlessly in my mind! Its so hard coming into this world without some type of road map...some type of future vision. I sometimes feel like I am stumbling around in the dark.
Well, if you don't see me blog ever again you will know the root canal did indeed kill me. I'm not ruling that out as a possibility. (Yes this is a true indication of how totally freaked out I am over it....) Wish me luck!

A Breath of Fresh Air

I feel like I will always be a childless woman. I know someday that might change. But right now, its like this cloud that hovers over me. It feels as though there is ALWAYS something to remind me about the miscarriage or the fact that I don't have children. I see someone from my past, and though they were a year or two younger then me, they already have 4 children. And seeing them is always inevitiably followed by "so do you have kids?" And I know in the future it will be replaced with "so do you have any grandkids?"
I look at the date on a calander and I can't help be think, "I would be this many weeks...we would be getting close to finding out the sex...my belly would be getting bigger..." It goes on. I don't even want to begin thinking about how I will feel when my due date comes around. And next year is my 10 year high school reunion. While I would love to go, its something I will have to think about as the time gets closer.
But I know there is a reason for all of this. God has proven to me time and time again that He see's the beginning and the end. And while I may not see a reason for it right now, I will in time.
I read this last night, and it was one of those moments where I feel God is speaking directly to me and giving me comfort.

"...Sing O barren, thou that didst not bare; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child...
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed but my kindess shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." --3 Nephi 22:1,7,8,10

Some things that are right...are just so WRONG!

Being on break just stinks. BIG TIME. I mean, I know there are a TON of reasons why we are on break. And they all are good reasons. But its hard. As much as I hate being in the thick of it all...I actually want to be back there, actively trying.
Things have been good for Hubby and I. The break has taken the pressure off and we are starting to have more fun together. The mood is just more relaxed. And its been good. I just can't imagine waiting a WHOLE YEAR to start trying again.
I am still trying to deal with the miscarriage. I am ok most the time, but then there are times I think about how far along I would be at this time, and I can't help but shed a few tears. I miss my baby desperately...but I also have faith in my Heavenly Father that He knows what's best. And whatever the reason was our baby couldn't come to Earth at this time was a good reason.
I was reading on the r house blog today (you can find the link on the left side under my blog list) and she was talking about how eventually going through infertility made her feel special, and unique. And most the time I do feel that way. I get more time with husband, (who makes me laugh so hard....I will have to eventually tell the story of "bum pits" because it still makes me laugh and smile to this day!!). I have more free time to pursue things I would like to learn. I have quiet time to think and ponder things of a spiritual nature. I get to spend countless hours talking to my wonderful Dad, and I know I will cherish those hours when he is gone. There are many positives to a childless life. But there is always an ache in my heart...
So I will continue to struggle forward, and learn how to cope with it all. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and it has brought my anxiety out of the woodwork again...which stinks. I have pretty horrible teeth like my mom and grandparents. All of my molars have some type of decay on them. So it will take awhile to get it all under control. If its not one thing, its another, and I just feel like what more can this body take? Seriously??
But like my Dad said to me "You will get through it. It will be hard, but just like everything else, you will get through it."
And I will. :)

Going on Break After All...

We will be taking a break from infertility treatments, probably for a year. I have 3 teeth that are in really bad shape, and Nate has probably twice as many. So we are going to focus on that for the next while. While its sad, we have neglected our teeth for WAY too long. I will probably blog on my family blog more then this one for now, you can find it on the right hand side called Journey Towards Forever. TTFN! :)

Hard To Start Over Again....

So, today was my first Dr's appointment since my D&C. Just a check up to see what was going on, how we were. I was very surprised and happy that my Dr asked us how we were doing emotionally. I know some women have to be on Anti-Depressants after miscarriages, and I feel very fortunate that I haven't spiraled into a depression. I have to say I know that its because of 2 things. One is my husband, he has been such a support, so sweet and caring, and optimistic. The other is my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of His great plan, and that He is watching over me. I would feel so lost without this knowledge.

The Dr's appointment wasn't very easy. Being there just brought back all the feelings of what happened. Not to mention everywhere I turn there is a big belly bump....that's the hardest part I think of going to the Dr's.

So we are back on the treatment road. Just waiting for a fresh cycle to start and then begins the drugs, shots, and ultrasounds...how I have learned to hate that ultrasound machine...it has become the bane of my existence I think. Well, that and my stupid weight issues...but that's another post. Its funny because the nurses don't even give me instructions anymore in the ultrasound room. They know I just know.

I just pray that we are blessed with another baby soon. My Dr is optimistic, and so am I. It will happen when its supposed to, this I know for sure. The waiting is hard. The trying is hard. But it will all be worth it in the end.

I also wanted to share my new necklace. I got it from the r house, you can find her blog here: http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ she has a store on Etsy, you can find it on the right hand column of her blog. I just decided what I wanted and asked for it. I love it...it already has a very special meaning for me. There is something about the little jade bird that touches me...I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I feel like my baby grew wings, or maybe I feel like I'm growing wings after all the experiences I have been through. I'm not sure. Anyhow! I highly recommend her stuff.

Well, its just a waiting game (again!). I'm sure I will be blogging more now, so I hope you will all check back often. :)