The Weather Matches My Mood...

Sour...you know one of those days (weeks...months...) where you want to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in behind you? That's me. Finding out people are pregnant...finding out people are having a life. Mine is done...stalled. And I'm asking myself, why am I still here? 6 and a half years of infertility...3 years of being stuck living with family...when does it end? Feels like all of my life is just an endless round of garbage.
Yeah. I probably need to get treated for depression. But I am SO sick of doctors...dentists...anything and everything to do with medical/health professionals I have given myself permission to take some time off.
But seriously. My life is at a stand still. At least when we were in our own place I had a home to be proud of. Something to call mine. Now its just living off the mercy of others. And no matter what I/we try to do, it doesn't get any better. The money situation doesn't change. The car situation doesn't change. The place we have to live doesn't change...
I'm getting so sick of it, that I just am ready to be done. If I'm not learning, changing, growing, progressing anyway, what's the point? Isn't that why I am here?
Life sucks. Period. End of story.

Infertile and LDS...and other things...

Just wanted to write about what it means to me to be infertile and be a member of the church I belong to. For those who don't know, our church is special, in that we believe that families can be eternal. We believe that through sacred ordinances performed here on earth, it binds us together as a family.


Because our church is unique, its hard to fit in if you don't fit in with the family persona. Honestly I feel damaged. I feel like I'm not good enough to sit with the ladies in our weekly church meeting together because I'm different somehow. I feel like my true potential is wasted. That what I was sent here to do, to fulfill, is never going to happen. I'm defective essentially.


I know in God's eyes He doesn't see me that way. I understand that. I have felt that. I know that He loves all His daughters whether they are mother's or not. BUT. That doesn't help with the feeling of alienation that comes along with not being able to fulfill the most fulfilling thing that would happen in this life...


I feel at times no matter what I do, my life will never have the meaning it COULD have had. It won't matter if I get some prestigious job, or I win the Noble Peace Prize. I will never, EVER, feel complete in this life. And that's a hard thing to live with day in and out. Some days I don't succeed. Probably a lot of days...I question what's the point?


I had this discussion with my WONDERFUL Dad last night which is why it has been on my mind. He asked me pointedly. Well what support are you expecting? It was hard to answer being asked so pointedly what I was expecting. But the answer came. FRIENDSHIP. As we talked about it though, I realized the one thing that I need, I probably will never get. Women have families....husbands and children needing to be taken care of. This takes up probably 90 percent of their life. And the rest is spent doing things for the church or doing things for themselves. I don't fit in there either. I want to have a friend that I can call up and chat too. I want a friend who will go have lunch with me. Who I see at least a few times a week. Who knows me...who I can do the GIRL things with...


And here she is...

There is the woman that would have fulfilled the role I'm longing for now....someone I know only from pictures and what others have told me. Really a stranger. But just like my baby...someone who left a hole in my heart.
So this post has taken on a life of its own. I'm not looking for sympathy, just telling it like it is. Its hard to be a part of my religion and try to fit in...but the reason I keep going back is because I need the relationship with God. I'm not sure what His purpose is in all this, maybe I will never know. All I can do is survive...just like everyone else...

Birth Control...here I come...

Yep, have an appointment this friday to get it started. In good news I finally had my first period since the miscarriage, and it was a breeze really. Minus the total PMS that had me screaming at my hubby for a few days (poor guy). I don't know how my Dr is going to feel about us taking an extended break, but we gots to do what is best for us finanically/health/emotional wise. I'm quite worried about taking birth control though, just because one of the side effects I always here of is weight gain. My Dr even mentioned it to me when we were talking about taking a break in the first place.
I have gotten some recommendations from some ladies with PCOS though for which ones are good, and I'm thinking I'm going to opt for Ortho-Trycyclin LO. But we will see what my Dr says. I am just praying for no weight gain.
So, that's what is new with me. I feel like this blog is becoming useless because we aren't really trying anymore. But I know its good for me to be able to let my feelings out, and write.
So wish me luck on this new experience! :)

Delayed Reaction...

So first off, the post before this was supposed to be on my family blog...lol. I noticed it the day after I posted it, and well, I just don't care.
Its been a rough couple of days. Something inside me just feels like it has snapped. As I have been thinking about how my mind deals with grief, I think that delayed reaction is it exactly. I remember when my Grandma died in 2006 I cried right away. I cried at the funeral. But it wasn't until 3 or 4 months after that I really grieved. I don't know if its just a defense mechanism that I have built inside of myself to make coping with everything after someone dies easier...I'm not sure. But needless to say here I am 2 months after I lost my little baby, and the grief is more consuming then ever. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep and cry. I'm trying hard not to let the depression win. But so far it is.
Maybe people think less of me by reading this. But like I said, I would be honest about my feelings. This week has just been a struggle and I'm really hoping that its not one of those lingering depressions.
September has some fun things in it. But its just such a strong reminder to me that I would have known what sex my baby was. I just can't wrap my mind around the grief that is in my heart and soul. And while there is a part of me that is desperate to try again, there is a bigger part of me that doesn't ever want to try, ever again. I don't know if I could handle losing another part of myself, which is essentially how I feel about the miscarriage...like part of my soul was ripped out of me.
I feel like sharing what I wrote about a month ago. I am NOT good at poetry...but I like to write because it makes me feel better to get my feelings out. I don't even think of it as a poem...its just kind of there...

Empty arms that long to hold you.
Lonely heart that longs to love you.
Barren tummy that misses its roundness.
Dreams and hopes that are dashed to pieces.

Consuming grief with no ending.
Quiet home missing memories.
Whispered prayers full of longing.
Tears on a pillow, never ceasing.

Ours for seconds, but ours forever.
Your memory forever etched on our hearts.
We try to move on, find happiness again.
But we will never forget those seconds with you...

Update...

I thought since it had almost been a month since I updated, I should. So the 2 people that read my blog will keep reading. LOL.

So this month has mostly been full of Dental work. I went in for an xray and to talk about what work I needed done. It was horrible. I started crying so bad the dentist had to give me the gas to make me stop. It was that bad. Weird thing is though right after we left Nate's tooth started bothering him. 2 days later he looked like a chipmunk. I should tell him to give me that picture he took of his face all swollen. He had an impacted tooth, which is essentially a tooth that has become infected. We had to get a hold of the dentist on Sunday, he sent over some prescriptions for pain and amoxicllin to get the infection out. He ended up having to go to a dentist though and have his gum cut to let the infection out. Then I got to have a root canal later that week, and then he had one a week later. Then I had 2 hours of fillings on half of the teeth that need them. Now we both need crowns, and I have more filling waiting for me! So yeah, the dental bills are piling up...just what we need!

Other then that it has been a really quiet month for us. Nate has been trying to pick up extra shifts to try to help cover the costs of the dental work, so most the time I am home alone... :P Not the funnest thing, but I am grateful for a husband who will work that hard.

September will be a fun month. Nate's 30th Birthday is coming up and we have some fun ideas for what we are going to do. So I'm sure I will blog about that later.

Here is just a few recent pics I wanted to add.

Just recent cuteness. Not crazy about the pic...but it is what it is!

My new hair cut, and color. My friend Katie is so awesome, I just love my hair!!

A Hard Day...

Today was a hard one....after seeing about 3 women with big bellies at Ross, I turned to DH and said "we would have been finding out what we were having soon." We about had a break down right there in the store.
Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. And I hate the days when it hits you right between the eyes. I really am hoping and praying we get to go to Disneyland next Spring...we have not had enough fun lately...

MIA...

My monthly cycle that is. Yep. Over 5 weeks out from the D&C and she has yet to show up. See this is what I HATE about PCOS. It doesn't matter that statistically you are more fertile after a miscarriage. PCOS doesn't play by the rules, at all...
I know I should be going in to get a progesterone shot, but I have 3 dentist appointments looming in front of me. I figure do as much as I can handle, and the root canal I am facing tomorrow has gotten me pretty much frazzled. I don't need to add needing to run to the bathroom in there.
Yep so next month we would have found out what sex the baby was. I am still in the "why did this even happen, what was the purpose" phase of things. Was it to give us hope? Was it to give us a glimpse into what its like to experience everything? I really don't know...and maybe there is no answer for me.
I have been tempted to see if we could do 1 cycle next month. There is a huge part of me that wants to, but there is also a part of me that wants to make this a true break. But it is hard when we have all the prescriptions for the meds...we got pregnant on the first cycle, I keep thinking if this is proof that we could be lucky and have it happen again. But then I think of going through a loss again so soon...could I emotionally handle that? I don't know...
See how unfun it is to be in my brain? These circles just run around endlessly in my mind! Its so hard coming into this world without some type of road map...some type of future vision. I sometimes feel like I am stumbling around in the dark.
Well, if you don't see me blog ever again you will know the root canal did indeed kill me. I'm not ruling that out as a possibility. (Yes this is a true indication of how totally freaked out I am over it....) Wish me luck!