Roller Coaster...

There is no better way to explain my life the past week. One minute I am confident and on the top of the hill on the roller coaster, the next I'm in the deepest part of the valley ready to throw in the towel and say its too hard.
I knew it would be hard getting back into the TTC game. But, this first cycle has been more hard then I remember any of my others being. I know its because its the first cycle we have tried since we lost the baby, and that right there brings a lot of other emotions in to play. And you add those to the hormones already pumping through my body, and it is NOT a good combination!
Nate told me he is sick of this cycle because I am driving him nuts. Well, I do understand that, but if he is nuts by the little contact he has with me, he should think about me having to live with my brain 24/7!!!
I just for some reason hope and pray that I am pregnant before my due date rolls around. But I know that is asking a lot. I was talking to my Dad about my Mom last night and just asking about her history. She had at least 2 miscarriages, 1 still birth and 1 unwanted abortion. My Dad said it took her at least a year to get pregnant again after her miscarriages. So that popped my bubble a little. But I also talked more with him about my little sister Amanda's still birth. And it really touched me, because I now can understand how hard that must have been for my mom. And her having to choose to abort the other baby who they named Elizabeth. You bond with the baby so fast as soon as you know they exist. I read somewhere, I can't remember where, about how the divine nature of a woman is to nurture, protect, and love. And as soon as she knows that baby is growing inside her she becomes all those things to it. And I believe it. I remember just being in awe of this little life growing inside me and begging it and my Heavenly Father to let it stay with us. I can't imagine being my mom and going through almost 9 months of having that little one grow inside me just for her to pass away.
I know there are many people out there praying for us, and I know that that is where I draw a lot of my strength and courage to keep trying. Right now these infertility treatments are our only option. So, we keep going with it. I just want to tell those who read my blog and constantly say loving, kind, encouraging words, that they are SO appreciated. I remember when I first started to realize, clear back 5 years ago or so, that there was going to be a problem with us getting pregnant. I wanted to hide it from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I was broken. But I have found a lot of healing since I have started opening up about my struggles. I have felt them become lighter through loving neighbors and friends. I have felt the happiness that comes from being able to help others, to sympathize with them. Even if its not the same exact trials. It has made my heart more able to see the suffering and sorrow so many carry with them.
So, back to the roller coaster I go! If you hear screaming, its just me! :)

It's just TORTURE!

Getting pregnant is torture. It feels like its always waiting. And I am so tired and sick of it all! You wait for your period to end, you take your meds. Then you wait for your ultrasound, then you wait to ovulate, then you wait to find out if it worked. I mean its just really torture. Nearing 7 years of it especially is making it seem REALLY old.
Sometimes I really do feel like just giving up. Moving on and saying you know what? We are done trying. If it happens great. If not, then lets have an interesting life anyways. It almost feels like you are holding your breath, and if you let it out, it will be the end of the world.
As some point I will give up. But I am not sure where that point is. Sometimes I think its close, sometimes I think its far away. I feel just like I am treading water just trying to keep my head above water and giving up means the end of the world too.
*Sigh* Just ready for things to get better, move forward...something to happen! Sheesh!

What is that weird feeling???

Is it...PRIDE?? Seriously. I am notorious with those that know me that I consistently NEVER see something through. I give up on stuff, mostly myself, way easy. But today I ran a mile in 11 minutes 45 seconds. That is awesome for me. And if I can squeak in 4.6 more pounds I will have lost 50 pounds since April. Normally by this point I would be totally back at my old habits, gaining back everything I had lost. But this time I feel like its attainable for me. So what if it takes me 3 more years to lose the next 50 that I would like to lose? Who cares??
You might be thinking this isn't infertility related, but really it is. Because when I got my diagnoses of PCOS last September, after many years of suspecting it, it felt like a life sentence. That I would always be fat, that I would always be childless, that I would always have acne, lose my hair, and have messed up hormones. But as I have pushed my OWN boundaries, I have found out that its not true. Sure maybe some of the other things might not change, but I have changed my life for the better, and proved to MYSELF that my destiny is in my hands. And if I do some of my own work, of growing and changing, things might not have to be the way they seem.
I hope beyond all hope that this brings me my dream of a baby. But I think there are more important lessons to be learned along the way. Like its important to have goals. Its important to pick yourself and dust yourself off and keep trying to reach your goals, even if at moments they seem unattainable.
I am just super proud today. :)

Bring the Rain...

My friend Vicki blogged about a Christmas song, and it inspired me to write about a song that has come to mean alot to me over the past month or so. Bring the Rain by MercyMe.


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

I will just leave it at that. It really explains how I feel about my Savior...and I don't know what I would do without Him!

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I cannot compute....

How stupid I can be at times...I mean really?? Its there for you and black and white everywhere and yet you choose to pretend its not true!!!
Case in point:
Sitting here thinking about my meds, and suddenly the light bulb comes on. Uhhh. You haven't taken your prenatals for like a week or more?? Hello?? Moron.
2nd Case in point:
I know PCOS is a hormonal issue. I know that there are DIRECT LINKS between what you eat, how you eat, and how much you exercise. But I like to pretend its not true. Like I am not looking at it so its not there right?
Yeah. I'm a moron. But, I can cut myself a little slack, because hey, I just can. When you are taking as many meds as I am, and having to remember what day it is, and planning your life around Doctor's appointments, there is bound to be a few slip ups. I just wish the 2nd case in point were not happening. It is the one irritating me the most.
I need a good brain scrubbing to get me back on track...no clue how to do that though, and it sounds dangerous. :P

Numbness

I realized today while my brain is going a mile a minute that I am numb to a lot of things. I used to just CRY when I would hear people are pregnant. My reaction now? "Figures". That's right. I am numb. I don't feel that whiplash across my heart anymore when I hear someone is pregnant. Phase? Maybe. It kind of stinks to have all this armor around my heart. But, its the only way I figured out to protect myself.

Its so interesting to me how people forget how much a miscarriage hurts. I feel like people just want to ignore the fact that I lost a child. That still to this day that pain and hurt is right there in my heart. It has only faded a little. Maybe its because they have never experienced it? Maybe its because they don't know what to say? Maybe its because they think that I should have gotten over it, I mean it was only the most blissful, happy, joyful, life changing 9 weeks of my life! Why am I NOT OVER IT???

I have to try to be numb towards these things though. The pain is to real to just add another whiplash to my heart. People disappoint you. I have disappointed people. I have hurt people's feelings. But I KNOW this experience has made me realize that compassion is probably the greatest thing to give someone. I hope I never forget that. Even if someday I get my dream of having my own baby. I hope I never forget to show compassion to those around me.

And I hope I also don't get SO wrapped up in my baby/husband/little family that I forget there are other's out there who need me to reach out to them. God didn't put me through this trying experience just to totally forget it when I finally have my baby in my arms. I know He did it for me to understand many people, and understand their suffering. I have already seen this purpose in play.

This post is all over the place. I often wish I could write like so many wonderful blog writers I know. They just write how they feel so eloquently. I sound like an insane person...and that kind of makes sense! Hahaha.

Just call me Mrs. Grinch...

I know these are going to be the hardest holiday's emotionally that I have ever faced. I feel myself being sucked down by depression, and I am trying with all my might to claw myself out of it. This Christmas probably would have been the second greatest of all time for me. We would have gotten baby items as gifts. There would have been a lot of anticipation as the baby would have been due only a dozen or so weeks from now. Next Christmas would have been the best finally having my little family together. I keep trying to console myself by saying that its still a possibility for next Christmas. But, I miss my baby, and really how do you console yourself?

I know my spirit is not in good shape either. I think spiritually there are some unanswered questions about why I have been tested in this way. After waiting for so long be given a glimpse of what my life should be/could be just to have it ripped from me after only 9 weeks...its not that I am angry at God so much, but more of a "why?". I know its my limited view and if I could see Eternity His purposes would be clear blah blah blah. That doesn't help me right now when my arms ache for my baby...I try to remember that at least He understands how very real this pain is. How constant, how empty my life feels. I have to think that way...

So, as you can tell the title suits this post completely right? Have I gotten you all depressed?? Geez...Sorry for the downer on your holiday season, but I hope that it reminds some people that its easy to get caught up with our own families, our own shopping, our own happiness, that we forget to look around us to see that others are lonely, and sad this Christmas.

I am thankful for the blessings I do have though, especially my husband. Sometimes him and my cats are the only things that keep me going. So there are blessings even for those that aren't able to have the life we wish for.

The prayer in my heart this holiday season is that I don't have much longer to wait for my miracle. That my turn to have my dream come true, my prayer answered is not too far away....