It still hurts....bad.

Tonight was a rough night, here are 2 projects that led to said rough night.

First to the left, I pulled out all of my "baby" stuff. Most of it was from the last pregnancy. I got a bunch of baby clothes from my sister since she is done with having babies. So I have known for awhile I needed to go through it. Also had my Expecting book, and my 2 maternity shirts I cursed myself by buying (....). The second is a scrapbook page I knew I have wanted to do for about a month now. I needed to document it, and make sure some of my ultrasound pictures were safe. I was very surprised by how hard this still is...even after almost a year. I went down to the basement to pull it all out, and I couldn't catch my breath. I am very melancholy now, which I knew would happen. Its especially hard when we are going through IF treatments again. In less then a week now, I will be heading to the doctor, and for some reason I have a feeling its not going to be good news. But I know that its the name of the game... Just a rough night...and I am so ready for the weekend, I just wish there was going to be SUN. Please Spring come...sometime soon??

Messing with my MIND

So I was a relaxed and okay about this cycle. Realizing it might take a few tries before anything happens. But glad to be back to TTC. All the sudden I am on an emotional roller coaster! I have been dreaming about babies, day dreaming about babies, looking at baby clothes sometimes when we go to the store...I am SUPER emotional, which is throwing DH off his groove. I am just chalking it up to how the Femara works, since I think I remember reading it makes you produce more estrogen. But, I really hate this out of control feeling with my emotions. I am so praying that this is the year for a healthy baby for us...it is hard, I will admit, to get my hopes completely up. I am trying hard to be brave and courageous, but its hard. Especially after going through a loss, it takes the innocence of pregnancy away. At least it has for me. Anyhow, 1 week for today we will be finding out what the egg(s) are doing, if there are any. Praying there is, and that we can time the IUI well (this has been a problem with my Dr). Have a wonderful rest of the week readers! :)

Who am I?

Sometimes I get so into documenting my infertility journey, (and complaining about it!) that I forget that most of you don't even really know ME. Like the real me. So here are just some fun things you might or might know about me.

#1 I am the youngest of 5, I only have one sister the rest are brothers. I am an aunt of 17 (almost 18) nieces and nephews. They are some of the best parts of my life.

#2 I only kissed one boy in my whole life. I have only had one boyfriend my whole life. I have only held hands with one boy in my whole life. That would be my wonderful hubby.

#3 I love to laugh. I love to be silly, and say the most random things. I also love to make faces in pictures.

#4 I love Disneyland and everything Disney related. If we don't have kids in the next few years, we will be moving to California and becoming Annual Pass holders.

#5 I love video games, especially RPG's. My favorite RPG is Kingdom Hearts (of course). I love to play video games with my hubby, even though it can get crazy because we are both very competitive. :)

Well that's a little bit about me. Hopefully it helps you all to get to know me better. I will try to do some of these a little more often, just so you can all get to know me besides knowing I'm an infertile.

Here we go...

I start my Femara tonight. So any prayers, or positive thoughts would be appreciated!!! I will post again soon. :)

Overwhelmed

Now that our vacation is over, I am looking at starting the infertility road and I am just overwhelmed by the emotions that I have been experiencing. There is a lot of fear and anxiety. A lot of memories of the miscarriage last year. Feelings of guilt that I have gained weight, and that I haven't been very good about taking some of my meds lately. Also just so much fear that this process won't result in another pregnancy. That last year was just some crazy miracle that will never happen again.
There is hope, but really more anxiety then anything else.
CD 1 is just about here...I will keep you all posted. :)

What's it like to be NORMAL? 7 year milestone, thoughts & feelings...

As I come up on my 7th year of trying to have a baby, there are a lot of feelings. Some good, most not. So here they are.
*FEAR. Fear that this will never happen, fear that we are throwing money down the toilet, because it doesn't matter what we try. My body just can't do the pregnancy thing.
*FEAR. That we will NEVER be parents. Even seeking alternative routes.
*FEAR. That we will never be able to TRY anything other then what we are doing now because of money problems.
*MISUNDERSTOOD. I'm sorry. But you CANNOT understand unless you have been an Infertile for awhile. One round of a certain drug, and BAM you are pregnant...don't tell me you understand.
*GUILT. I feel guilt because I know that its my body that is the problem. I often wonder if I am keeping my hubby from a better life...with lots of kids, and a wife with less problems.
*SAD. Why floats around my mind all the time. Why do I have PCOS, when no one in my immediate family does? Why do I try SO hard, just to get the same results...
*ANGRY. I always come back to the same thing, that everything in my life has been hard. Nothing has come easy, and everything somewhat decent that has happened, I have had to work HARD for. And most the time its eventually ripped away anyway.
*ALONE. No one can console me. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. I have a couple of people in my life that can soothe things for me...but the hole in my heart never leaves.
*BETRAYED. By my body...by the "CIRCLE OF LIFE" thing that is just supposed to happen...but doesn't. By numerous people I thought were "friends"...
*ROBBED. Of the life I COULD be having right now...robbed of the ability to trust people, since I have been used and emotionally abused by many of them...

This list could go on forever...but I will end the negatives here.

*HOPE. I have great hopes that this will still happen for me. I have had positive results with the drugs I have been on, so we just need that egg and sperm to meet one more time!!!
*HAPPINESS. I have moments of happiness with my husband. I have had 7 WONDERFUL years of getting to know him. Getting to a wonderful place in our marriage. Learning how to live with each other, and stay in love. Especially knowing that our marriage is a SOLID place for our baby to come to.
*ANTICIPATION. Because I know when that baby comes, it will be the most loved baby.
*MATURITY. Had I been a mom in my early 20s, I know I wouldn't be the same mom as I will be now.
*PEACE. That I am still trying. That I am doing my part. And that if I keep doing this, I will have no regrets even if it doesn't happen. I tried, and I think that will count for something in the end.
*GRATITUDE. For the things I do have. Health insurance that covers pretty much everything of our current treatments. A wonderful husband, and Dad who love and support me. 2 wonderful cats that love me.
I hope 7 is a lucky number for me! Here's hoping!!!

Being Human...

Is rough. Now let me preface this by saying this is not directed at any one person. It's about being human and how we really can't control, try as we might, to control how we feel. Something that is seriously getting on my nerves lately is the green monster of jealousy. I don't know if I was just born with an extra dose of it or what, and no matter how I try to tame that monster, it often rears its ugly head. Specifically when it comes to pregnancy announcements. No matter who, what, when, why, or how, this is the most irrational time that it pops up. I will sit there after the announcement is made and talk to myself about how it's okay, and that I don't mind. But inevitably I will eventually feel the monster take over.
I feel like this makes me a horrible person. I know it doesn't but this is the real reason that I haven't been to any baby showers. This is why I hide out from the world at times. Sometimes I wish that I could turn my brain off. But no matter what....this monster just keeps up it's annoying presence.
I send kudos to those infertile women who are MUCH stronger then I at pushing these thoughts aside. I hope someday down the road I find this monster tamed. But for now I will just keep trying to tame the beast.
Today I am extremely grateful for my husband. He is my rock. He is my buddy....and he doesn't judge me for feeling a certain way because he sees how hard I try. He truly is the most precious gift I have been given in this life. I can't wait for our first vacation together in 5 years!! It will be several days of so much fun, followed by passing our 7 year milestone of TTC, followed by our first cycle back at treatments. It will be a busy time coming up. :)