Just have to share

I ended up calling my dr and asking if he could see me. I just needed to go in one more time and make sure it was all still good. And it is! I am so sad that DH wasn't able to be there because for the first time I saw the baby kicking and rolling around and it was just SO cute! For some reason it just made it more real to me that there is a baby in there, and in a little while it could be in my arms! That is an amazing and scary thought. I just hope the rest of the pregnancy continues this way! I feel so blessed.

It's...terrifying.

I will admit, I have been a nervous wreck the last 7 weeks or so (since finding out). Every day I wake up with irrational fear that something is wrong. I really believe that some fear during pregnancy is normal. But mine is over the top. I had an ultrasound every week from weeks 4-10...how sad is that??
I have tried to talk to DH about the reasons that I think the fears are over the top. The first being my miscarriage last year. The whole experience was scary, emotional, depressing, and just plain horrible! I would not wish that experience on anyone. Secondly, is the fact that I believe in some place inside me I started to believe as years passed that I didn't really deserve a baby. I have always had pretty low self esteem, so its hard to talk to myself and say that I deserve to be a mom just as much as the next person. And lastly I think its because its my first pregnancy. So I don't know what is normal. Is this dull ache normal? Is feeling great today normal? When its your first you just don't always know what's normal.
I am so grateful that things seem to be going well, but really I would love to have an ultrasound available to me 24/7! I ordered a heart beat Doppler which should be here next week and I am hoping that it helps calm my fears. I am just praying this baby is going to join our family in January!

Uncharted Territory

I have come to that place where other infertiles go. A place where you feel in limbo. I don't feel like I belong outside the infertile world...but in essence I do, because,

I am pregnant.

For me, its an odd feeling. On the one hand I cannot believe this is happening to me. After 7 years of praying, hoping, wishing, and all the other millions of emotions that have come with infertility, it feels weird to be standing on the other side.
I know this is a bitter pill for some to swallow. I understand some will feel happy for me, but will also feel the sadness and the green monster come out. And that's okay. If you don't follow my blog anymore, that's okay. I understand. Do what is best for you!
So the specifics are, I am due January 10th, 2012. I am almost 11 weeks, and so far the pregnancy has gone seamlessly. Remember the blog from awhile ago where I was freaking out over that cycle, and not getting the IUI's and all that? Well, my body did what it was supposed to. I am SHOCKED still at times when I think that I got pregnant so easily...I also feel very guilty.
I am still terrified after my last pregnancy. I have already passed the time of the last loss. But, I have tasted the bitter...so I know better then to make any concrete plans. But I have a good feeling about this one.
I have had an ultrasound every week, thanks to a understanding doctor, but now won't be going in until 14 weeks which is terrifying.
I have been sick with this pregnancy. I had one day of not being able to keep anything down. But mostly just feel queasy. It still hasn't left yet, its gotten better the closer I have gotten to 12 weeks, but threw up just yesterday!
So, from here on out this blog will move from infertility to pregnant after infertility. I still understand the infertile world. I still feel part of it. I still want to support others going through that valley. But I also want to relish in the fact that I have been blessed to come out of it. And ask for prayers that this baby is healthy and strong.
I so appreciate all the support and love I have gotten on this blog. Its been so overwhelming and wonderful! I pray and hope for those still struggling with infertility/or childlessness that you are able to carry that burden, and that those who are still in the process get their dream.
Thank you!!!

Life goes on...

Nothing much to report here. Just enjoying the warm weather, I hope all my readers are too! My oldest niece will be graduating in a few weeks, my sister will be visiting which I am so excited about since I haven't seen her in almost a year! I just can't believe that much time has passed, my nieces and nephews are growing up so fast.
Then we have a couple of camping trips planned for the Summer, which will be awesome. Oh and my birthday is in a month. 30 is slowly creeping up on me! I just can't believe how different my life has turned out to be...I thought I would have several children by now, a house, a nice salary...none of these have turned out to be true.
I feel like I was so naive when I was younger, I guess we all are. But like I have expressed before, a lot of times I feel like my life is frozen where it is. It doesn't feel like things are moving forward. Everything is just the same. And really I don't know if having children would even change that mindset.
So anyhow, that's what is on my mind lately! LOL. Until next time!

What does it mean?

As I sit here and contemplate the meaning of this day, I start to think about what exactly a mother is. Of course she is someone who bears children, but really that event is tiny in the life of a child. Isn't a mother someone who bears life with compassion, courage, love, and patience? If that is the case then as women we are all mother's it does not matter if we have children or not. As Sheri Dew said "Motherhood is the essence of who we are as women."
I have seen so many women in my life exhibit these qualities. A sister-in-law who has been given a lot of hard things to bear, including several little rambunctious boys. But she has risen out of it a better person, more loving, more compassionate, and patient. A woman who lost her baby before she even got the chance to know him. But is confident he is in the arms of Jesus, and has lived life with so much compassion for others. Another woman who who will never experience pregnancy at all, but lives her life helping others cope with infertility and educating others to it's many complex emotions.
Yes. These women in essence are all mother's. For those that are infertile, there is NO greater example to me of motherhood. How much courage it takes to pursue treatments, how much love for a baby unknown to subject your body and mind to pain and disappointment time and time again. How much courage it takes to accept a life of childlessness. How much patience through all these trials is expected and needed. How much compassion for others these women exhibit, there ability to love is overwhelming!!
"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly and definitely that. It is the essence of who we are as women. Motherhood defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits, talents, and tendencies with which our Father endowed us." Sheri Dew in her booklet entitled "Are We Not All Mothers?"
So Happy Mother's Day to all women out there, I am blessed to know you all. Thank you for your examples of love, patience, and compassion.

New Winner!!

So, the winner never responded. So I redrew and the new winner is Chelsea!!!! So please contact me with your information, my email is to the left, or you can message me on Facebook since we are friends on there. :)
Thanks for everyone that participated! Another one is in the works so please come back again soon!!! :)

MAJOR pet peeve...

So on my Facebook I have this one "friend" who constantly makes remarks on some of my statuses essentially with the tone of "you shouldn't be feeling this way." If you are friends with me on there, you probably can pick out who that person is. And it drives me INSANE. All my status said was "This year Mother's Day is rubbing me the wrong way. I can't give a card, and I can't get a card. What's a girl to do?"
I do NOT understand why some people feel the need to control or chastise you for your feelings. Can someone explain this to me? God, I believe, gave us feelings for a reason. And most the time I don't believe in suppressing your feelings. For me I learned at a very young age that I needed to have somewhere to express my feelings about things or else they got too intense for me to control at times. There would be times where my grief would be so overwhelming about my Mom's death that I would cry and scream for hours and beg for someone to bring me my Mom. Can you imagine me in Elementary school making the traditional gifts for Mom's at school and knowing in my mind there was no one at home to give it to? Can you imagine me wondering what to do when our Young Women group at church would have a mother/daughter activity? My sister was always available for those kinds of things, and I am so grateful to have her, but its not the same you know?
I just ask you to please not make someone feel like they shouldn't feel a certain way. Especially when it comes to infertility. You are just asking them to close off to you. Most the time we just need someone to listen and be a sounding board. There are a lot of emotions tied in to infertility, and I would say most of them aren't pretty. But I think in the end that is what makes us more compassionate to others.
:)