It's like I'm the Incredible Hulk...I think....

First off...I want to say thank you for the sweet and absoleutly needed comments that 2 of you left me last time. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do. At times I feel this blog may help others, at times I feel it offends others. At times I feel completely insane and wonder how anyone could put up with me!
I have so many pills running around my system, that sometimes I don't know if these are my real feelings or not. And sometimes a few days later I realize I was completely irrational...Case in point being yesterday. I was a mess. Yelling at Nate for like an hour. About stupid things. Then coming home and bawling my eyes out over something stupid. And feeling like my life is hopeless. Honestly this isn't me at all. Before I started all these medicines it took a lot for me to cry. I had learned how to turn off the water works before they even started.
So I'll just continue to blog for now. Because, it is an emotional outlet for me, and if one day its private realize it might not stay that way. Hahaha. That's why I think I'm the Incredible Hulk. He's fine, then something sets him off, and he turns into the giant green monster. Hey at least I'm strong and could crush rocks to take my mind off things!
I had to get a shot in my butt a week ago...it hurt like a mother. It felt like I had a welt there for a few days, and I couldn't even lie on that side in bed. But lovely, it made my period show up semi-early, so today is Cycle Day one. I get to try a new drug this time, that isn't supposed to have as many side effects. I just really hope I respond to them. If I don't we will have to move on to injectibles, and those are pretty pricey. I think we figured out about 1-200 dollars a cycle. Ugh. So needless to say I'm running out of options. If the injectibles don't work, its a long shot for IVF to work, and so at that point we may be at a dead end road for now. That scares me. But I'm trying to have faith that this new drug I start on Saturday will work.
I am now going to be taking 4 Metformin a day, 1 prenatal, synthryoid, femara for cycle days 3-7 and estrogen spray from cycle day 8 until I Ovulate. I'm tired of pills. And I'm getting really sick of vaginal ultrasounds. My dr didn't think my period would show up until a week from tomorrow. He is going on vacation at the end of the week, so there is a chance I might be flying solo this cycle. I just am really hoping and praying this month it works. April marks 6 years we have been trying to start our family. Its going to be a hard month just with that reminder.

Anyhow, thank you for your support and understanding. Especially when it may not necessairly make sense. Just realize it doesn't always to me either! Happy Thursday! :)

I have decided...

To make this blog private. Honestly, I haven't been feeling much support from those in my life, I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable or mad. But I have decided I'm not going to talk openly about my infertility stuff anymore. Its just to personal, and I believe should only be shared with those select few (none???) that are a positive influence in my life.
My other blog is still open and available for anyone to read, but I really don't update either one all that often. Thanks for reading if you have read this. :)

It's free for everyone else...

but not me! That is how I am starting to feel about having a baby. So before I dive into all that, I'll just talk about my surgery first.
My surgery went well. I was really pretty nervous the morning of the surgery. They took me into a room and had me put on this really comfy gown! I was surprised that it was pretty modest. And easy to put on. Then they took me into the prep room, and gave me Oxycontin, just one pill, and something else, I can't remember. Started the IV (ouch!) my first one ever, but honestly wasn't as bad as I thought. After about 5 minutes I didn't even remember it was there. They pumped me full of antibiotics, and then just did the normal take BP, Temp, etc. Then at the special request of my Dr he had me put on some compression hose, to prevent blood clots. They weren't too bad. At this point we were just waiting for my Dr to get there. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me and he was really nice. I told him I was nervous but he made me feel better. I was literally sweating at this point though, just being nervous. Then it was time, said good bye to Nate, and was wheeled into the surgery room. Had me slide over to the special table, my Dr came in and held my hand while they put me to sleep. I was out within a few seconds. Then I was waking up...apparently I was telling Nate about being on a TV show in my dream...King of Queens...weird. It was so hard to wake up. I just wanted to cry because I felt SO tired! The kept telling me to wake up, and I just kept saying I'm tired! I want to sleep. But surprisingly we were home by around 12:30. Slept mostly the next couple of days, and then started to feel like I was coming out of the haze. Today is 1 week later, and I feel almost completely back to normal...its like it almost didn't happen.
So I had a Lapraoscopy, a D&C, a procedure called and HSG where they shoot dye in you to make sure your tubes are open, and had a polyp removed. The Dr said it all went good, and everything looks normal now, but I that's all I really know about what he found. He gave us a copy of the pictures, so I'm sure he will review them when I have my post op next week.
But seriously, this surgery is costing us 1800 dollars, and that's only for the hospital portion. The Anithesioligist will bill us separately and so will the Dr. Grrrr. So this is where it's free for everyone else, but is costing us SO much money! And that just adds to how hard infertility is!!! I looked up how much the next drugs I will be put on (most likely) and they start out not to bad, up to freak how can we afford this! Not to mention having to be more monitored by my Dr, so copays and anything not covered gets billed to us. And then its not even a guarantee!!!! Argh. Its all just so annoying, and I wish we had more money, and yeah. I'm glad we are doing what we can to make this happen. I feel like I have to for my peace of mind. But sometimes I just think...REALLY? I guess I should feel blessed to have an insurance that covers infertility at all...in reality Nate getting this job feels like it was supposed to happen. I just wish he could get a raise/promotion soon!
Anyways, that is what's new! And so yeah! Now just a countdown to my post op when my Dr says we will "sit down and come up with the GRAND MASTER PLAN." LOL...My dr is awesome... :)

Am I still on Earth?

BCP, TTC, LAP, MET, BFP, BFN, IUI, IVF, MC, PCOS, BD...and the list goes on. If someone would have told me when I graduated from High School that I would be able to just look at that list and know what each of them meant, I would have laughed....hard. But I do know what these mean. I feel like I have been transported to another planet that I never knew existed. And many, many, many, people don't even know exists!
Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing I have ever faced. Yes, even losing my Mom at a very young age and growing up in a house full of boys. I sometimes wonder why I was chosen to have this trial. Why I have been given such a hard thing to deal with in my life. I just have to assume that God wants me to do something with it. I'm still looking for exactly what it is He wants me to do...but I feel I get closer a little at a time....

When the going gets tough...

the tough get going. Only problem is, I really am a wimp. Things are getting hard and stressful for me. Exactly one week from tomorrow is my pre-op appointment. It seems like time has slowed WAY down...I am so nervous. But hopeful. But nervous...
I wonder all the time, will this be worth it? Will it lead to us having children? What if its worse then my dr thinks? What if its not salvageable?
I really thought TTC was hard before. But honestly getting into all the medications and the questions and surgery and etc it all adds a whole other "hard" to the equation. I really just hope this leads to our dream. I don't know what I will do if this doesn't change things much. Sometimes I don't know if I will even be able to stand it...

Open mouth, insert foot...

I find myself feeling this way a lot lately. Its like infertility has made me so fiesty. Maybe even mean. I am currently on the activites committee for Relief Society, and I question why I have been asked to be on it. I just hate to be left out, and because I have been left out a lot in the past 5 years, I hate to think of anyone else being left out. So when they plan some of these activities, I just see people being left out.
Maybe my problem is I want Relief Society to be a substitute for having real live friends. I have friends online, but honestly unless my friend from Cali comes to visit, its a no girlfriend time EVER year. Its hard because being childless, you are automatically put into this group that no one wants to touch. People think you are contagious almost, at least it seems that way. I need friends, I need people to laugh with and bounce ideas off of. But at times it seems to much to ask.
I wonder if mom's realize that those of us without children need friends? I guess maybe they see me as someone they just can't relate to, but why can't we just love and support each other even though maybe our lives aren't exactly the same?
The funny thing is my husband and I have been snubbed by other infertile couples too. And that has always just surprised me. I would love to have support from other people going through the same things, but they seem to think someone is spying on us and it will be the end of the world if we are seen together.
I'm just lonely. My friend came and visited from Cali this past month, and I got to spend an evening with her, and it was SO nice. We laughed a lot, we shared a lot. It was just so refreshing and uplifting just to spend that time with someone and know they cared about me.
I pray for Heavenly Father to send me a friend. But so far it has been an unanswered prayer....

The Truth that is ME today....

1- I am currently watching Ghost Whisperer between two sleeping cats.

2- I cried at the Doctor's office today. Not pretty, and embarrassing.

3- I am scared about having surgery in a week and a half.

4- I see people from High School, and their families are growing, and it makes me want to cry more.

5- I am so grateful for my husband, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful spouse to go through this hard experience with.

6- I am feeling like their are so many obstacles in my way towards being a mom. At times I wonder if I should give up.

7- I found out today my medication isn't working, but I have to stay on it, for reasons that I don't completely understand.

8- I'm trying hard to be happy with my life. I made a resolution to try harder in my marriage, and so far so good. I have changed in the past 6 years, infertility has made me more depressed and sad. Its time to tell myself its okay to enjoy and love life even though I'm not a mom.

7- Some mom's and pregnant ladies REALLY bug me...

8- I am really grateful for the Dr I was referred to. (Thanks Katie!) Even though at times I get frustrated with him, he has been really good at explaining everything and trying to be aggressive.

9- I am exhausted, I haven't been sleeping good. Partly due to one of my kitties, and partly due to all the things I have on my mind.

10- I think its really weird I had my first cancer scare at 26...grateful it came out negative, but it just seems so young...