Baby's Due Date

Saturday was our baby's due date. Thursday and Friday were hard days. I cried every night. Although I am at peace with things that have happened, it was still hard to think of the fact that baby should be here...
Saturday ended up being a day where I know God's hand was in my life. I had a wonderful, fun day with DH. We have both been in a funk for awhile, and it was much needed. We laughed a lot. We went out and had lunch. We played games. It was just a really good day for us. I hardly even thought of the sadness that surrounded the day.
And it was interesting, yesterday I woke up to AF just showing up all on her own. It was on CD 50, but usually I can't expect her at all without some type of help. So I am hoping this is a good sign for me.
I am going in on Thursday to hopefully get on anti-depressants. I'm still not doing better on that front, and I'm tired of feeling this way.
But I am thankful for my Heavenly Father for providing me a way to cope with this weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...but I know that it didn't just "happen" to be that way.
So, one more month and the beginnings of Spring will be here, and I for one can't wait. I am hoping that some happy times lie ahead for me and that I make some WONDERFUL memories this year. And if I had a surprise BFP thrown in there, I don't know if I would be too sad about that. LOL. But, I hope January was a good start to the year for the rest of you. Thanks for all of your on going support and those who take a minute to write me comments...they really do mean SO much to me.

What lies ahead?

This is the question in my mind lately. I still have no answer. I haven't blogged for awhile, because I just don't have anything new to blog. I had an epiphany this weekend, where I realized that it was probably for the best that we lost the baby...its still hard, and I wish she was here. But there is a lot going on in our life right now, that I'm not sure it would have been the best for us or the baby. And taking that even a step further, I am to the point now where I look ahead, and I don't even see me TTCing again. The desire is just gone. This is about TTC mind you, not about having a baby in general. People are telling me that after a break it will change, but I'm not sure. I don't feel it changing so far...
I still get sad about the baby, when I see new babies being born on Facebook, when I hear of others having a baby. I get punched in the gut, and I hate that feeling. But if I don't feel to TTC anymore, why do I get this feeling still?
I just want to be normal and have a baby all on our own. I don't want Doctor's to be involved. I don't want to time everything, I don't want to think about it all the time. Its just too much.
So at this point I don't know what lies ahead for us/me. Maybe at some point it will change...but after almost 6 months of "healing" since the miscarriage, I still don't feel any different. I don't want to go back to the TTC world...I really don't.

Why?

Today I was happy. Had a lovely day with a friend/friends yesterday...was feeling better about plans DH and I were making. Feeling happy and excited about planning our first vacation since 06 and to our favorite place, DISNEYLAND. Then out of the blue the phone rings this morning. DH hands me the phone after someone asks for me.

Lady: Is this Tami?

Tami: Yes?

Lady: Hi this is your lactation consultant from WIC, I was hoping to be able to talk with you before you delivered your baby!"

Tami: Silence. And then "I miscarried."

Lady: Oh I'm so sorry, I must have old paperwork. Was this your first?

Tami: At this point wanting to scream at her YES! And we tried for 6 years for our first! And now here you are making it so I can't just pretend this month isn't my biggest nightmare come true. But I just mumble, "yes".

Lady: Oh well I wish you well with everything.

Hang up.

I mean seriously, I can understand this lady was doing her job, but do they not understand how this could tail spin someone down a hole for awhile?? We know SOMEONE there knows because DH called and told them about a week after it happened.
I was so jumbled at that point, neither of us had any clue something like this was coming. I immediately started sobbing at this point, and after that my whole body just went numb. You all have to realize I have been suffering from depression since the miscarriage. I haven't gotten any help, but today was kind of scary. I have never felt that pit of darkness so deep before. For about an hour it was like I wasn't even aware of what was happening around me. DH was shaking me, and I couldn't even find enough awareness to respond. So needless to say I have an appointment with a Dr next Thursday to get me on anti depressants. So goodie, two doctor's visits next week. :P
I hope though after the appointment this fog I have been living in will lift. I want this to be a good year, and it really seems like it can be. But not with this depression cloud hanging over me....
Anyhow...today sucks.

The year is dying in the night...

This has been a very hard year for me. I was thinking back over the year, and honestly after July it all became a blur. I can't even really remember the end of Summer, Fall or even when it turned cold. Its all just a blur of pain, sorrow, and grief.
Right now I feel kind of lost. After trying another round of Femara in November, and having it be negative, for some reason I feel beat. I feel no desire to even try anymore. And that is strange for me. So right now, everything just seems to be suspended. I have no clue what the next year will bring, and as of right now, it doesn't include any IF treatments. It might at some point, but I feel I need to separate myself from it.
I have been thinking a lot lately how not having children, ISN'T the end of the world. I want them desperately. But I have a wonderful Husband, and I know if we try, we could have an interesting and fullish life without them. I hate thinking that way, but coming up on 7 years of waiting, I am tired of waiting. I don't know, I think I just need time to recover in every way, and then I will be ready to face the IF world again.
So the plan is we are not doing any IF treatments until probably June of 2011. Then we will reevaluate. I want to try to drop as close to 50 pounds as I can by then (hahaha), but I will try my hardest to get there. We are also planning to run a 5K in May. So hopefully there will be happiness, good memories, and laughter next year. I not even asking for a baby next year. Just not the cloud hanging over me anymore. Having a fun year with DH and being able to accomplish some other goals besides TTC.
So Happy New Year, and may 2011 be the best year yet! :)

Merry Christmas and 2011!

I have just wanted this year to end. For some reason I think it will leave the grief of losing our baby in the past. Probably not true, but the new year is always refreshing for me. One reason for this is we are going to buckle down and start training hard for our 5K in May. I have gained somewhere around 5 pounds and about 1 inch on every measurement I take. Oi. NOT good for PCOS. I am almost positive it has messed my LH up greatly, so I'm not even sure this cycle is even going to be a complete one.
DH and I are at odds about where to go from here. I am DESPERATE to be pg, and for me that means bypassing reason. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, he is right that we need some time off. But I don't care! I want that baby in my arms like yesterday! But he is right, and I am really trying to give in to reason, but its hard. I do really want to lose weight. I know that it has helped with LH so I have to assume if I lose more, I will be sitting pretty. Ideally I would like to lose about 50 more pounds. So I'm thinking if we try hard we could be there about summer or end of summer. Maybe not though, PCOS is a fickle little disease. Sometimes it releases its grip sometimes it won't. But I know that I would be happier at that weight, I would be able to do more things and I would have a healthier pregnancy. And I want to have a cute little round belly, and at this point I don't see that happening with my gigantic stomach.
Anyways, I have several goals set aside for 2011, and I am hoping to met all of them. They aren't anything major. But they will be important things to me!
Anyways, Merry Christmas to all my blog readers, and a Happy New Year. I hope that truly all your wishes come true!!! :)

For My Baby...

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

~ by Wanda Bencke

Turning Point

Yesterday and today have been a turning point for me. I don't even know if I can totally explain everything that has happened. Some of it is so personal that it would never make sense to anyone but me. Some if it is SO odd, that it still wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. But I will try to explain a little.
I have come to the realization that my biggest problem with Infertility is I want to carry it all on my own. I want to shoulder the burden and shut off those around me trying to help me carry all the things that come with it. And that is a stupid, stupid move. I thought to myself yesterday about how is this working for you? Seems like its working real well! (Enter rolling eyes here) You are sad and mopey. You don't love and dote on your husband. Your cats have been neglected, oh and have you seen the state of your house today?? So as you can tell, it is not working. Not in any sense of the word.
I feel out of balance. In every way possible. Physically, all of my hard work from earlier this year is gone. I have gone back to eating all of the ridiculous food I was eating before. I have gained around 5 pounds in a matter of a month. I have cried, and cried and cried. So mentally I am out of balance. And Spiritually, I am non-existent. I have this stupid idea that when things get hard, to just shut the spiritual side of my life off. I have no idea why, because this starts the being out of balance. So I have set goals. I set them last night, and so far today has been a failure. But I did one thing good today, I took a walk out in the sun. You might wonder why this is so significant. Well, it is because I don't do that. I don't leave my house usually unless I am with my hubby or have plans. I decided I needed some time in the sun, so I took a much needed walk with a friend. And it helped brighten the rest of my day.
And I know tomorrow will better. I will make another change that will be great and good for me. I have figured out that I am letting infertility have too much control in my life, and I no longer want it to have that kind of power of me. So I will make the changes. I will pick up my scriptures, I will attend church, I will pray for help. I will ask my Savior to help me shoulder this burden, and I will wait and be patient while He works to do that. I will love and appreciate my husband. Infertility will always be there. I will still be working on my goal of being a Mom. But starting today my goal is to not let it control my life. Not let it dictate who I will become.

Where, when my aching grows,
where, when I languish, where, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.
~Where Can I Turn for Peace, LDS Hymn #129 (vs. 3&4)