12 Weeks.

You know, I thought I would be feeling better (nerves, anxiety wise) around now. But honestly I feel just as worried as I did on day one. I ended up buying a doppler, it got here yesterday. We heard the heartbeat very faintly, but I have decided I am going to put it away for another week or two. We tried to find it again this morning, and I just think that the way my body is my uterus is just in there too deep. Makes me sad, but I am also trying to realize at some point I just need to let go and realize I can stress and worry all I want and it won't change any outcome.
It is so hard not to just talk myself in to calling my Dr to see me. But like I have said before, I know I can't keep doing that. Its not fair to him or his staff.
I really hope at some point I start to just enjoy this pregnancy more then the worries. I think once I start feeling that baby that will be the only thing that keeps me half sane. But I am a good 6-8 weeks from that as far as I know.
2 weeks from tomorrow is my next appointment. I just cannot wait. It seems so long away!!
I so appreciate those that are praying for us.

Just have to share

I ended up calling my dr and asking if he could see me. I just needed to go in one more time and make sure it was all still good. And it is! I am so sad that DH wasn't able to be there because for the first time I saw the baby kicking and rolling around and it was just SO cute! For some reason it just made it more real to me that there is a baby in there, and in a little while it could be in my arms! That is an amazing and scary thought. I just hope the rest of the pregnancy continues this way! I feel so blessed.

It's...terrifying.

I will admit, I have been a nervous wreck the last 7 weeks or so (since finding out). Every day I wake up with irrational fear that something is wrong. I really believe that some fear during pregnancy is normal. But mine is over the top. I had an ultrasound every week from weeks 4-10...how sad is that??
I have tried to talk to DH about the reasons that I think the fears are over the top. The first being my miscarriage last year. The whole experience was scary, emotional, depressing, and just plain horrible! I would not wish that experience on anyone. Secondly, is the fact that I believe in some place inside me I started to believe as years passed that I didn't really deserve a baby. I have always had pretty low self esteem, so its hard to talk to myself and say that I deserve to be a mom just as much as the next person. And lastly I think its because its my first pregnancy. So I don't know what is normal. Is this dull ache normal? Is feeling great today normal? When its your first you just don't always know what's normal.
I am so grateful that things seem to be going well, but really I would love to have an ultrasound available to me 24/7! I ordered a heart beat Doppler which should be here next week and I am hoping that it helps calm my fears. I am just praying this baby is going to join our family in January!

Uncharted Territory

I have come to that place where other infertiles go. A place where you feel in limbo. I don't feel like I belong outside the infertile world...but in essence I do, because,

I am pregnant.

For me, its an odd feeling. On the one hand I cannot believe this is happening to me. After 7 years of praying, hoping, wishing, and all the other millions of emotions that have come with infertility, it feels weird to be standing on the other side.
I know this is a bitter pill for some to swallow. I understand some will feel happy for me, but will also feel the sadness and the green monster come out. And that's okay. If you don't follow my blog anymore, that's okay. I understand. Do what is best for you!
So the specifics are, I am due January 10th, 2012. I am almost 11 weeks, and so far the pregnancy has gone seamlessly. Remember the blog from awhile ago where I was freaking out over that cycle, and not getting the IUI's and all that? Well, my body did what it was supposed to. I am SHOCKED still at times when I think that I got pregnant so easily...I also feel very guilty.
I am still terrified after my last pregnancy. I have already passed the time of the last loss. But, I have tasted the bitter...so I know better then to make any concrete plans. But I have a good feeling about this one.
I have had an ultrasound every week, thanks to a understanding doctor, but now won't be going in until 14 weeks which is terrifying.
I have been sick with this pregnancy. I had one day of not being able to keep anything down. But mostly just feel queasy. It still hasn't left yet, its gotten better the closer I have gotten to 12 weeks, but threw up just yesterday!
So, from here on out this blog will move from infertility to pregnant after infertility. I still understand the infertile world. I still feel part of it. I still want to support others going through that valley. But I also want to relish in the fact that I have been blessed to come out of it. And ask for prayers that this baby is healthy and strong.
I so appreciate all the support and love I have gotten on this blog. Its been so overwhelming and wonderful! I pray and hope for those still struggling with infertility/or childlessness that you are able to carry that burden, and that those who are still in the process get their dream.
Thank you!!!