I Hate...and I mean HATE this roller coaster ride

I'm going to start blogging again, because honestly, I need the outlet. I have recently left Facebook after realizing how much of a trigger it was for me basically going through the whole emotions and yada yada yada that comes with infertility.
I will start by saying...I am blessed beyond measure. I get that. I know there are a lot of infertile women looking at this going...REALLY? What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes with one. And to be completely honest, I used to be you. I used to wonder when I went through my 7 years of infertility waiting for my first, how these women who were complaining about not being able to get pregnant AGAIN could be so insensitive to us still waiting. And now here I am. The wandering, lost and alone infertile woman. Who can't sit with the infertiles because, well, I have a child. But who also can't sit with the fertiles because, well, I'm still infertile. Where do people like us go? Are we doomed to just wander? Homeless, shelterless...supportless??
But here I sit. 4+ years after finding out I was pregnant with my son...and grieving. Badly. I will be honest that it probably isn't a black hole sucking me in like it did before my son. His little arms around my neck, and kisses on my face really do make it a LITTLE more bearable. But in other aspects there is a whole new side to the grief. I know the unexpressable joy having a child gives you. I loved being pregnant...I loved being in the hospital with a newborn. I LOVE being a mom. But when you watch your child become aware that other kids have playmates...that other kids aren't alone...you heart aches in a whole new way. When you child is on the brink of going to school...and no longer needing his mama and YOU aren't ready for that...you grieve.
My husband and I both come from what these days are considered "large" families. I always dreamed of having several children. Having a crazy, but very full life. Here I sit though...the silence echoing as my little boys childhood slips through my fingers.
As far as where we are at in the process of trying to have another one, we are basically in holding mode. My husband has about 1 year of school left, so at this point we aren't actively seeking treatments because we both feel it would be way too much stress for both of us to try to do the Dr appointments and all that while we are rarely seeing each other. This was a lot of what happened during those 7 years of waiting for our first...just...waiting. I'm obviously not going to be one of those miraculous people who just gets pregnant out of the blue. My body is experiencing PCOS worse then it was before I had my son. I was a little more regular after he was born, but that has all but stopped. I have gained an even more significant amount of weight, and just all the wonderful things that come with PCOS. UGH.
It just really sucks realizing that you can't get pregnant on your own. OH. One thing that has happened though, is we found out for sure we are both a problem. We had a consultation with an RE, my first one ever, and he told us based on my husband's SA, he has issues too. So we are combating both I guess. It really makes me feel like our little guy is TRULY a miracle because of all the obstacles in our way.
I still feel broken. I still feel like the odd man out. I have no friends...which adds a whole lot more mommy guilt on top of the sadness, since in turn my son doesn't have friends. And he doesn't have a sibling so his social interactions are a cause for concern for me.
Anyway. Infertility hurts. PCOS sucks. I feel like I am back to playing the same old melody on my little violin. I am just praying that we can have one more. I feel like our family is incomplete. I feel like a failure. But I do also feel blessed. I do feel guilt at being so sad when I do have one. I do feel horrible at feeling this way. This is a big reason we have only decided to have two. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going through these ups and downs, and neither of us want to keep putting my body through the stress of fertility treatments more then that.
So here we go slowing making our way up the first hill...again....I appreciate those who are here to sit beside me on this horrible, but worthwhile ride.

Weak Spot

So today Nate and I were talking on our way home...more me talking and him listening. But I was expressing how I wish people knew that I HATE feeling the way I do when it comes to pregnancy and babies. Just like the quote above says, it's my weak spot. I am blessed. I have a little boy who I adore and love more then anything in this world. BUT I will say, it still hurts when other's announce their pregnancy...or have a baby. I hate feeling this way. I hate that it's almost like being blindsided. Every time I try to prepare myself for the blow, but then the internal instinct kicks in and I feel like I have been kicked in the gut.
It has led to friendships being dissolved, feelings being hurt...I feel like people expect that those feelings just leave with the birth of a baby. Just as people expect that it will be "easier" to have another baby. It just isn't that way for everyone. That is the other thing too, infertility journey's are not the same for everyone. There are women out there who are sad about it, but cope really well. I am just not one of them. I used to dream about having a big family (if you consider 4 or 5 a big family) but I started to realize at a pretty young age that something was wrong for me. And I will tell you at the age of 15 or 16 even though I didn't yet have my PCOS diagnoses, that I stopped dreaming about the number of children I would have someday. It is sad that PCOS is becoming a more common diagnoses and that I know there are other teenage girls realizing the same thing. It breaks my heart.
I just wanted to put it out there that someone like me doesn't CHOOSE to feel this way about this subject. I know most of my friends struggling with infertility would LOVE to NOT feel this way the same as I do. I think it has made realize that we all need to acknowledge that first off some emotions or reactions are beyond our control...and second that we need to forgive people. No one is perfect. We all do things we regret at sometime or another. And life is a harsh teacher.
So there lies my Achilles heel. I'm not sure that it will ever change...but I know time is a great teacher, and I hope eventually I learn to just be happy and not feel any twinge of pain with this subject.
I hope you all had a happy and safe New Year! :) Happy 2014!

Never thought I would be here again....

Today has been a rough day. I'm not sure why, because we aren't "officially" trying or anything. I have a Dr's appointment set in February to get my annual exam done, and I'm hoping I convince the dr to maybe take a peek at my ovaries and see how bad they are (I am guessing bad). But I feel defeated today. I never thought I would be here again...this place...these feelings. The longing and the why me's. We went walking around a store today looking for something for L and seeing all the baby stuff was just kind painful. L is no longer a baby...he is growing more independent all the time. I love him to death, and he will always be my miracle baby...but I just want to experience it all one more time. I want to savor the pregnancy, and hold the next baby as much as I can stand.
I had a dream the other night that we had another little boy. And this is the first dream that I have had where I have two kids...it felt like confirmation to me that we will end up with 2 boys, but I just feel like....when? And the fact that I didn't respond to the Femara like I did last time, has me very worried that we will have to explore more invasive and EXPENSIVE avenues to add to our family. And that is not an option at this point.
I know I need to try to lose some weight...that is probably really the biggest culprit to the Femara not working.
I cannot even explain how DEVASTATED I am that I can see my Miracle Dr again...It's just been one blow after another. Those 7 years waiting for Landon were excruciating. But there came a point after I met Dr. J (LOL) that I kind of felt like we were on the path to getting that baby, it was just a matter of when. But right now I am feeling like everything is scattered. I hope that feeling goes away once we meet with the new Dr...find out we like her and set a plan up to get us there one more time.
I have just been a little thrown off by this secondary infertility journey. I just didn't think it would hurt as bad...and if I am being totally honest, I was convinced that taking the same protocol as before I would get pregnant in a month or two...and I feel kind of scared since it didn't happen.
Trying to have faith in God again...I feel strongly there is one more member of our family, but sometimes I wonder if I am wrong and Landon is it.
I have been debating on even recording this journey again...because I know those who are still suffering through getting the first baby maybe feel like it's not as hard...?? I maybe even felt that way myself at times. But I am being totally honest when I say I have been totally taken by surprise at the intensity of the feelings. But I know I am super blessed to be able to look into L's eyes and hug him and maybe have him take some of the hurt away.
Just like my previous journey, I am sorry to say I am not articulate. But I hope me blogging has given people some help, that you aren't alone. And having a baby doesn't cure infertility for everyone. And secondary infertility hurts too....

Praying for 1 more...

I'm back on the infertility merry go round again. We are wanting to try for one more, but I am thinking I am going to go through the whole thing again. Our insurance is switching over so I can't see my Miracle Dr that helped us conceive Landon. I have been having weird symptoms related to PCOS, so my idea is I might have to have another surgery in order to get pregnant again. I just don't want Landon to be alone. I know how much my siblings mean to me, so I just can't do it.
I have been surprised about how much it hurts again to be going through it. There isn't the desperation that I felt with number 1, but I still feel such a sadness and longing to have one more baby.
Anyway, I love being a mom. I can't believe that my baby will be 2 years old in just a few weeks. Time goes SO fast, it seems so unfair sometimes that it took so long to have him and now time just FLIES!
I also have opened an Etsy store. The link is My Cubby's Corner (My Etsy shop) it is currently on vacation, but hope my readers will catch up on it again after Christmas.
But anyhow, I'm going to be back blogging again! Thanks to all those who supported me through my first round, I know that Landon was a result of so many prayers on our behalf!

Infertility: The gift that keeps giving

Hello again! I am ALIVE! I haven't really felt to post much on here since having my baby...I am sure you can all understand why. But here I am contemplating having another one. Yes, my PCOS is in full swing. I have only had about two periods since having Landon. My acne is back, I am heavier then I have EVER been...you know. The fun stuff. So I know that having the next one is going to be just as hard as having Landon was.
I am unsure of when we will be trying to have the next one. But it has been on my mind lately. I don't know if it's because we are quickly approaching Landon's first birthday, if it's because I am turning 30 next year or that we are LOVING being parents, more then we ever thought we would. Nate is an awesome Dad...I love being a Mom and hope I am doing a good job of it.
I really don't want Landon to be alone either. You just never know what is going to happen...and I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had my siblings growing up....and even now. They are just so important I think. This is my personal opinion of course...but I just don't want Landon to be an only child.
Things are still really bad financially. I can't see us currently having another one, just because of the living situation we are in, lack of funds...you know. But then I think what if that never changes? Does that mean that Landon will have to be an only child? I have limited us to 2 kids. I told Nate unless things change drastically for us, we will only be having 2.
I am just undecided on when to try, I really am. I watch my 3 year old niece with Landon and she is so good and helpful. And there is enough space between them that they aren't constantly fighting, but then again she isn't constantly around him either. So I really don't know what to do!
I hate making these life altering decisions...I really do!
But I wanted to reopen my blog, let you all know I was blogging again, and hope that you will join me (and support me AGAIN!) on my journey to giving Landon a sibling!

Landon!

Landon was born January 4, 2012! The whole birth story is on my other blog, which you can find the link to on the right hand side! :)

Last Weekend...

Just my hubby and I. It seems so unreal. I can't really even visualize how life is going to change. I can't even really imagine what it will be like to hold my little boy and wrap my head around the fact that he is MINE. My DNA, my body carried him...it's just such a miracle.
I have contemplated the past 7 years over the last 9 months, thinking of the long journey that got us to this point. I was thinking today how many people have prayed for us, and supported us, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every prayer offered on our behalf. So many times I was SURE I would never be able to experience what I have and will. So many times thinking that I would be childless forever. And now standing on the edge of motherhood, there is a lot of fear and excitement all mixed in to one.
Looking back I wouldn't change anything over the past 7 years. I can say that now because I am on the other side looking back, but I can tell you the me going through the last 7 years would freak out that the me now is saying that! But it's true. It just feels like the right time, the right baby, the right frame of mind for this to be happening.
Thank you so much for those that have helped me, supported me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and cried with me. I don't know how I would have done it without you!!!
I will be sure to update when he is here, so be on the lookout for that. I am not sure how much this blog will be used once he is here, because life moves forward. I have reopened my family blog in anticipation of this, you can find the link on the right hand side. I will blog more there about being a Mom and our little family. :) But thank you again! You are all wonderful!

Moved my date

So they moved my induction date to the 4th! :P I am so sad about it, I don't know why! I guess it's just because there is more of a risk of me going in to labor on my own, and that FREAKS me out! Anyhow, nothing much new here, he is weighing in at 6 pounds 13 ounces today, so we are looking at a 7 something pound baby! With a giant head still! LOL Just wanted to update! :)

We have a date!

I am being induced on January 2nd! So I will be a mommy at least by then. I can't believe it. That is under 3 weeks, it's just so insane! I am so excited, nervous, happy. I pretty much feel ready to go, just a have a couple of things I need for the hospital, and I think we are set. I just can't believe that there will be a real, live baby that is MINE, here in 17 days. So blessed!!!! Will appreciate any prayers for safe delivery!

Home Stretch!

Can't believe that we are to the point where I can say I am due next month! This whole year has just FLOWN by to me. It seems like since the day we found out we were pregnant, the year went in to fast forward mode.
I just can't believe that the beginning of 2012 our lives will change so much. I am really excited, but kind of sad in some ways leaving the couple lifestyle behind. But I wouldn't trade it. Change is just always hard, it takes time to adjust. Add the fact that DH will be starting a new shift right around the time baby comes, and it will be a lot of changes all at once!
Let's see...we had our last appointment on Wednesday. Baby looks great, measuring at around 5 lbs 2 oz. We are doing weekly non-stress tests, and so far they have gone fine. Around the middle of the month I will be moving to weekly appointments, so I am hoping that at that point things just move along and it's not long before he is here. I keep feeling the week between Christmas and New Year's, but I don't know if that is just wishful thinking!
He is an active little guy. I think he is getting cramped in there, because it feels like is stretched from hip to rib all the time. A lot of his wiggling makes me jump a little. I know I am not going to miss being pregnant. I know a lot of women do, but not me. I will be glad to get my body back and have some control!!
I'm sorry my posts are so boring now. I am just tired all the time. Energy on a scaled from 1-10 is - 1 million! I just have no energy, and it's getting to the point where it is hard to walk. Having a lot of pressure and pain going on.
Anyhow, hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! :)

Overflowing with Gratitude

Obviously with Thanksgiving just around the corner, thoughts turn to what in my life I am grateful for. Also with the end of the year and the fact that we are having such a life changing event happening, it also makes me reflect on things. So here is just some things I am grateful for!

*First obviously, is this healthy little boy growing inside of me. I just can't even begin to express how much gratitude I have that I will be a mom. And that so far this pregnancy has had little to no complications.
*I am so grateful for my husband. He is my rock, my best friend, my everything. He has been so great during this pregnancy, being willing to jump in when he needs to, to help me or call someone or take me somewhere. He is just amazing.
*I am thankful for a place to live. We have had major struggle financially, but I am so thankful I have a place to go. So many people don't. Even though we have lived with family way longer then we hoped, I am just so grateful for family to take us in.
*I am thankful for health insurance through this pregnancy that has allowed me to not worry about health care costs associated with choices to go in or not. I am thankful for my Dr, and how supportive and great he is. I just don't know if I would be in this position if things hadn't fallen into place just so to line me up with this Dr at this time.
*I am grateful for the road it has taken for me to get here. Infertility sucks. And it hurts and it's hard. But now looking back, I wouldn't change a thing about my journey. It has made me who I am, it has made my hubby who he is and our marriage what it is. And I imagine it will make us the parents that we will be.
*Lastly I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows all. He see the beginning and the end, He knows how to make us become the people He knows we can be. And He is so very generous with His blessings. I can't wait to teach my little guy all about his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ.
So those are things I am most grateful for this 2011 Thanksgiving season. I hope all my readers have a safe and wonderful holiday! :)

Under 9 weeks...

I just can't believe how fast time is going! Let's see what is new. I had an appointment last Wednesday. Baby was breech, but growing right on track! I couldn't see what was happening too well but DH said he saw our little guy open up his mouth like he was yawning or something and then fling his hand over his eyes. I wish I had been able to pick that up but I never can see to well when I am the one on the table! I am glad DH saw it though. I know it's hard for guys to experience pregnancy the same way. I know it just becomes real to them when the baby finally gets here. He was weighing in at 3 pounds 5 ounces last week, so I think by the time we go in next week he will be a good 4+ pounds. :)
I had my family/friend shower last week, oh it was SO fun! And those times it's such a good reminder of the wonderful, supportive people I have in my life. They are just so great, and we had SO much fun at the shower. My friend who threw it is just aMAZing!!! She just rocks, and I am so thankful for all her hard work! I have a neighborhood shower this Saturday which should be fun too! Can't wait to see all the ladies from the ward. It should be great!
So lately baby has been having fun flipping from breech to head down. I finally got him to flip last weekend because it was killing me, but this afternoon I felt him flip to breech again. It hurts so bad...he just kicks like a maniac and it doesn't feel good with his feet down there. I would rather be kicked in the ribs honestly. So back to trying different moves to get him to flip to head down again. :P
Well we are getting so close to the finish line! My anxiety about still birth is probably the number one fear I have at this point. I am actually not that "scared" for labor, I trust my Dr and the hospital I am going to. I am more just anxious about the unknown and also about recovery. I am praying so hard it's not too bad, and that by the time DH get's back to work that I can take care of the baby well enough.
Thanks again to all of you who constantly pray for us. I just cannot believe most the time this miracle that we have waited for so long is finally coming to us. I keep thinking about how things will change in just a short amount of time from now. I am SO ready for this journey of having a family, but there is also some sadness that things have to change. DH and I obviously can't be as carefree as we used to. But I will take the changes coming. I know they will be worth it! :)

Still in shock!

When I stop to think tomorrow I will 30 weeks, I almost go into a haze. I cannot believe that in 10 weeks (give or take) I will be a mommy to a real, live, screaming baby boy! In some ways I feel SO much excitement for this new step with my hubby in building our family. On the other hand I feel terrified for all the reasons all first time parents feel terrified.
I ended up going to a Dr within my Dr's office last Tuesday. I just woke up with a horrible feeling that something was wrong, baby wasn't really moving much and my belly just looked like it had shrunk! They brought me in and did an ultrasound, and there was my sweet little 3 pound baby looking healthy as can be. He was so cute he had his little hand next to his head, and I told hubby that is how I sleep! With my hand next to my head like that! It was just a sweet moment feeling like he is already kind of like me. :) They also hooked me up to the contraction monitor and the heart rate monitor and had me push the button when I felt movement. At first I was so worried because he really wasn't moving too much, and I was afraid I would fail and they would send me to the hospital, but after a few minutes he really started going. It was funny because the biggest, most giant kick I have gotten lately was right after hubby started talking. I think he is going to be a daddy's boy all the way!
I just cannot wait though. I feel really lucky in the fact that this pregnancy has really not been that bad. There of course are the not so fun parts, but overall I have felt okay. Sleep is becoming a bit of an issue for me, I toss and turn a lot at night, and my hips start to ache when I sleep on one side too long. And sometimes he decides to kick me around 3 or 4 in the morning, but other then that I am not too uncomfortable yet. I know I still have 10 weeks to go, but that's okay. I will still take it!
My first baby shower is this weekend and I am SO super excited! I have a really great friend who is throwing it for me, family and friends will be there, it should be a blast! I honestly cannot wait! :) It makes it seem like everything is getting so close!
I am so very blessed. :)

Third Trimester!

So things are plugging along here! I can't believe I am in the home stretch now, and only have just over 11 weeks until my due date. It seems SO short! Maybe even less if my feeling is right and I have the baby in December. But I am not holding my breath for that.
The past few days baby has been kicking alot. I don't know if he is just having more awake time, or what, but he hasn't been this active this many days in a row ever. But I will take it. He will probably quiet down once he goes through another growth spurt.
DH and I are taking a child birth class at our hospital on Saturday. Should be fun. DH has been able to be as involved in the whole process, just because men really can't experience it in the same way. But I know he is going to love this baby SO much when he gets here. He keeps telling me how excited he is to have OUR baby that we can hold and cuddle as much as we want instead of having to give the baby back to it's parents. I know he is going to be an awesome dad. He LOVES kids, and is such a great help to me now, I know that will continue when baby gets here.
My showers are coming up, at the beginning of the month and I am excited! I loved my bridal showers when we got married, lots of friends and family around...and okay the gifts are nice too. LOL.
Doing okay with blood sugar stuff. Trying to make little changes that hopefully will have an impact. They have been a little higher this week, so I am just praying they level out. I really don't want to get on insulin this pregnancy.
I am hoping this trimester goes quickly with the holiday's. I am hoping DH sticks to his promise and we get to see Breaking Dawn on Thanksgiving day. :) I am looking forward to that. We have started trying to make it a tradition because there is a really nice theater by DH's family.
Anyhow, that's about it! Thank you for all the people that have supported me and prayed for me on this journey. I have felt those prayers and am so grateful for them.
P.S. Do any of my readers have a suggestion for a good breast feeding book? I wanted to take a class but I doubt I will get to it. Something good for me and/or DH? Thanks!

Thoughts at 27 Weeks

Just some things on my mind. First of all, I started taking my blood sugars yesterday. So far they are fine and in the normal range. So I am praying this is saying I don't truly have Gestational Diabetes, that I just need to watch what I eat a bit better. I am taking my blood sugars 4 times a day, and I am just praying that they cut that number down once they see how good my numbers are. I know I need to do it for my baby, but it's hard.
Also we just passed being under 3 months. Now that things are getting closer, I am getting really nervous and scared about the actual labor part. It's just one of those things that is new and scary. I trust my Dr and the nurses I had at the hospital when I went in awhile ago were so nice. But I am scared of the pain of delivery and also of recovery. And that leads me to another thought, I wish my Mom was here. I really am basically going through this all alone. I am going to have rely on DH after baby gets here, but he can only take off about a week of work. If I am still having a lot of pain after that, I don't know what I am going to do!
I also am scared of having an infant in my care all the time! I mean I am excited for it, but scared. If he turns out to be mean or anything it's MY fault...that's a lot of responsibility! I also just feel unprepared for breast feeding and all those things that will be new too.
I get a weekly email about the baby, and I just looked at it and it said 13 weeks...that seems so SHORT! Like suddenly I feel like I have so much to do! I have been thinking of it more in terms of days and 91 days seems like a lot longer then 13 weeks!
I also have been feeling a lot more hormonal the past week or so. I had a huge cry on Sunday just about everything I have been worried about and it felt good to just let things out, but I hate that I wake up feeling like that again today! I am not a big cryer.
Well that's all I can think of for now! Getting excited for my showers in just under a month. I am so thankful for the people who have offered to throw them. I have really great people in my life! :)

Out of the triple digits...wow...

Suddenly it just feels like time has been flying by! They are talking about us getting snow this week and it being COLD so all the sudden it feels like that baby coming is right around the corner!
I still can't believe in a lot of ways that I am here. In some ways I thought it would be SO different then it actually is. Like for instance, I really thought I would be all blissful and happy, that hubby would talk to my belly, that we would talk about what it would be like when he came. But it really is a lot more stressful then I thought.
Don't get me wrong! I am so happy and blessed. But when you start to really think about bringing a baby home that you will be responsible for 24/7 it is an overwhelming feeling. I am super excited, but scared for a lot of things like giving birth. I have been trying to push it out of my mind these past months saying it was forever away still, but it's really not anymore! We signed up for our birthing class 2 weeks from Saturday, and I just can't believe it...
I also attempted to take the 2 hour gestational diabetes test today. It did not go well. I got through the first 1 hour blood draw and thought I was doing so good. Then all the sudden I knew I was going to throw it up. We were in the car so I could lay down, and I ended up puking right next to the road...not so fun. But I guess I can consider myself lucky that it was mostly liquid and it was my first experience throwing up in public. I know a lot of women aren't that lucky!
I am starting to get a bit more achy around my belly, my back starts to hurt pretty bad when we walk around for awhile. But other then that I can't really complain! I am slowly looking more pregnant, maybe by 30 or 35 weeks? LOL.
I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I also suddenly can't stand red meat or veggies. They just sound SICK to me. This is really the first food aversion I have had. So who knows. I am also in LOVE with Wendy.s Frosties and french fries. Best treat ever. I am thinking once it gets cold I will have to be getting some mint hot chocolate. :)
Anyhow, 26 weeks tomorrow, so 2 weeks from tomorrow I will starting the 3rd trimester! I just can't believe it! I just feel so extremely blessed...

25 Down, 15 to go!

Today marks 25 weeks pregnant! Wohooo! It feels like a big milestone for some reason. Nothing major has been happening though. I failed my 1 hour glucose test, have to take a 2 hour this week. I am praying I pass!!! Let's see, suddenly I hate the taste of red meat, at least when it's on it own. I tried a spare rib, and some ground hamburger tonight and ICK! But that is new!
I have had about 15 peaches in the last couple of weeks, they are SO good because they are in season. I am going to cry when I can't get good tasting ones anymore!
I feel baby kicking pretty much all through out the day now. It's nice. I still do worry though, mostly that he isn't growing like he should, or that something will happen and he will come to early. But I am getting more excited and nervous as time goes on.
My showers are just in a little over a month and I am excited about that too. :) That is about it though! Just wanted to update everyone that was wondering! :)

23 weeks!

Just a little update, I am all better after that last scare we had. So glad it didn't end up being something major. I am now in my 23rd week. Baby kicks me pretty much everyday, and they are slowly getting stronger. I have days where I look really pregnant, and days where I wonder where my belly went! I figure it will be here full time though soon.

We had our Anatomy scan last week. Everything looks great! It is for sure a boy, and he is already big in my opinion. He weighed in at 1 pound 4 ounces. Of course those are sometimes way off, so I am not putting too much weight into that. But he has a giant noggin. It always measures over a week ahead of everything else!! Ouch...

We have bought all the majorly big stuff that we will need. We are thinking the rest of the stuff we will get from Shower's. I know it's a bit early to have everything (according to some people) but I feel better knowing we bought it when we had the money. Now we will be saving up for our copay and delivery (which will have to pay 10% of). And saving up for things we can't foresee once the baby is here.

Other then that just going along! I will taking my Gestational Diabetes test next week...I am on the fence about passing. I don't always have the best diet, but my blood sugars in the past have always been okay. Plus I am still on Metformin which should help.

As far as symptoms, I still have a days where I feel sick to my stomach. Heart burn is out of control. I get it no matter what I eat. But luckily it is in control for now with Zantac. Just can't wait until January is here! And I can be worried about a baby that I can actually see with my own two eyes!! :)

Not a fun weekend...

This weekend was probably one of the scariest yet. DH had to work, so I was home alone, he went in pretty early. Well I woke up just feeling weird. I had a bowl of cereal which I normally do in the morning, but I felt like I was choking it down, because I felt so sick. I decided to go ahead and lay back down for a little while. Well about an hour later I was running to the bathroom to throw up. That was when I started to notice this pain in my stomach. It was like rock was sitting in there, not moving. At first I just thought well maybe it's some food that is having trouble digesting. So I went to get a glass of water, I took one sip and it came up. And the pain was just getting horribly worse.
I texted DH and told him what was happening, and he said to ask my Dad to take me to ER if I felt I needed to go since he couldn't get home until later in the afternoon. I cried and cried, I didn't want to go there without him. I was terrified of hearing that the baby wasn't okay...but after the pain kept getting worse and I couldn't keep water down but I could tell I was getting dehydrated, I knew I had to do something because dehydration is dangerous for the baby.
So I asked Dad to take me. They go me right up to Labor and Delivery. Hooked me up to the monitors, and started me on some fluids from an IV...and that was THE most painful IV I have ever had in my life. I seriously don't know how I didn't cry out in pain when she put it in. But I knew I needed it. The nurse listened to the baby, took some blood and asked me lots of questions. So far the baby sounded fine. He was kicking and his heart rate sounded healthy and strong. But as the IV was pumping fluid into me, I knew I was going to throw up again. And I did. So they called the on call OB, mine was out of town, and started to think about what could be going on. They gave me some pepcid to see if it could be acid reflux or heart burn, and some antibiotics because at this point they realized my white blood cell count was high, which I guess usually means you have some type of infection going on.
After that it was just waiting. DH finally got there, and I was so glad he was. They brought in an ultrasound specialist to check on my gallbladder because they couldn't think of what else it could be. It checked out fine. So as the day went on, I started to feel a little better. I was able to finally go to the bathroom after having 2 bags of liquid pumped in to me, and then they let me try some water. I was able to keep that down, so they brought me some chicken noodle soup. I tried a few spoonfuls of broth, and noodle and some chicken and it stayed down. So they had us wait for about 30 more minutes just to make sure I could finally keep things down, and then released me with some antibiotics and some Zofran for nausea.
I will tell you it was my most scary experience with getting sick. I am pretty sure it ended up being a stomach bug because after sleeping the majority of the day yesterday I am feeling a lot better. They had me come yesterday for a repeat white blood cell count, so I am guessing since they never called it came back better or normal.
All I can think about is losing this baby though. I cannot get over my fear of losing him...even now. I feel like I can't enjoy the fact that he is on his way because the fear of losing him is overwhelming. I don't want to feel this way, but a lot of time I do. I love being pregnant, I love being able to feel him move around now. But there are just so many things that can happen between now and January, and it's hard to push those thoughts away.
We did finally get the crib, and set it up. I am not finished with the wall, but I will be sure to post pictures when it's done. But whenever I look at it, or arrange the blankets in it for the millionth time, or the stuffed animals, I just keep thinking, what if something happens and I have to come home and see this empty crib? It will be unbearable...
So I am working on it. I am trying to get myself to realize this is happening, that my baby boy is growing inside me and will be here in January. I would appreciate any prayers sent my way though with coping...and for no more scares like we had this weekend!!

Stepping into the Darkness...

I mean this as in the darkness of the unknown. We are buying the crib tomorrow, and I am scared. We have had opportunities to buy it before, but I chickened out. I just keep feeling like what if something happens and the crib is sitting there just waiting to make me lose it?? But I have determined I am going to do it! At sometime I have to step in to the darkness, and just hope and pray that everything is alright. Everything has been fine so far, but you just hear the horror stories.
I think a lot of it is the loss of the baby last year and the fact that it took 7 years for us to get to the point. It seems so unreal that we are on our way to becoming parents, I had so many moments of despair that it wouldn't happen.
I started feeling the baby kick last week, right at 20 weeks! It is still faint, and I don't really feel it everyday, but it is a good feeling! I can't wait until it's stronger and DH can feel it on the outside.
1 week from today is my anatomy scan which I am really nervous about. I am just praying everything looks fine and he is healthy and growing. So just a little update! :)