What's the TRUTH?

My friend Vicki posted a blog about a Time Magazine article called Does Society Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood? You can check out her thoughts here. And it got me thinking about some things.
First off, the majority of the "Facebook Mom's" that I am friends with, OFTEN complain about being Mom's. Now I may be biased because I don't have children, and don't have to face the daily grind of being a mom. And I also may be biased because I desperately want to be a mom and almost all of these women became mom's without much work. It just seems like maybe being a parent isn't all its cracked up to be? I mean, based off of what I read on Facebook, my answer would be yes.
Of course, there is the biological need to have children, which has enabled our species to thrive (wow that sounded really...scientific). And women seem to have an extra dose of this, I will say my need and desire to have children is much stronger then hubby's.
Also, it gets me thinking, and this is HUGE for me...will I still be as dissatisfied with life, even after having children?? Will I become one of those complaining "Facebook Mom's"? I mean everyone has bad days. I know I do!!! But if I go by what I hear of other women with children say, its WORSE with kids. I know some will argue, but what about the kisses and the I love yous and the grand kids and all those wonderful moments of having children bring to my life? I would say, you have moments like those being Childless. They just come from a different source.
Now don't get me wrong. I will never stop wanting children. I believe in having children, for personal and religious reasons. But I wonder at times if I imagine life a certain way and its just not going to be that way when those babies come? Will I find more satisfaction and joy out of life with the pitter patter of little feet that carry my DNA or my last name? That remains to be seen.
But...based off of Facebook (and Mom's I talk to or hear talking), my answer would be NO.
So please...weigh in with thoughts or comments...I am interested in hearing anything as long as its ADDING to the conversation.

I got bit again...

with the baby bug! Oh man, those feelings are back with a vengence. I had a little repreive from them over the past 6 months or so, but they are back. I am ready to start down the IF path, sadly there is a road block in the way. Hubby. He has really been struggling lately...its been hard, because I don't know how to help him. I have tried asking him to talk about what is bothering him, but he just says he doesn't know. He just feels sad. I have kind of been wondering if it has been related to the miscarriage, he seemed to just push all his feelings down, and tried to be strong for me. So right now, I am just waiting out his funk, so he hopefully will be ready to try after our trip. I know we are getting to the end of the road with my OBGYN so I know a forced break isn't too far in our future. I know after a couple more rounds of Femara we will have to be moving on to something more intense which will probably be injectables, and they only place that does that is over 30 miles away.
In good news, I got on an Anti-Depressant about a month ago, and I feel SO different. I never knew what it was like to have a pretty steady, consistent mood, but these piils do it for me. I still have bad days, but the edge is gone to them. I have always suspected that I had been depressed, even when I was a teenager. But family members made me feel bad about getting on Anti-Depressants because they believed there was no such thing as depression. But it was interesting, my first day on them even my vision seemed different. It was suddenly like more light was coming in my eyes. Its hard to explain. But my marriage has taken a total 180...my DH just cannot believe the difference in me. He even apologized the other day about how he had treated me. He said he always thought it was just an attitude thing, but now after seeing me on these pills for a month he is a huge believer in depression existing.
So if you are someone reading this, and you have struggled with it, don't hesitate to get help. I am on a pretty low dose of meds, but I WISH I had gone in sooner and talked to a DR about it. And I feel like I will be a better mom too, because I have a lot more patience with people and situations. Life is a lot easier to handle.
So, as far as PCOS, I am waiting for AF to show. If she has come back next Wednesday I am heading in for a progesterone shot, then starting my first round of BCP. I also had my Vitamin D checked, and its low. I am probably going to have my blood work faxed over to my OBGYN, because I am not going to see the Endo anymore. Its a waste of time and money when my OBGYN is doing exactly what they are + more.
So anyhow, that's my update! Hope everyone is enjoying our downward slope to Spring!!! :)

WOW! Its me.

Well, I am finally blogging after quite a break. There really isn't much to report on the TTC front. I had my annual exam with my OB. He took a look at my ovaries and sadly they are poly cystic again. He said they aren't as bad as last time, but he is concerned. I have to talk to my Endo tomorrow at my appointment about bumping up my Metformin. I am totally fine with that, it seems like really, really gradual works for me, so I probably will be bumping it up this week.
We also discussed me rotating birth control. My Dr was really happy about that suggestion. When I went on one month last year, then off I ended up ovulating. So the hope is maybe it will help me get pg all on my own. But at least maybe help my cycles normalize somewhat.
As far as FUN news, we are headed off to Disneyland in just a little over a month. I am so super excited, but now it seems time has slowed WAY down. So life moves on. I really hope to get pg again sometime this year...but at this point I am not sure when we will be trying the more intense treatments again. We shall see after a few more months.
Anyways, just checking in! Pretty boring update, but thanks for reading if you did! :)

Why do we say this??

I was writing a post about my miscarriage, and like I have written MANY times I wrote, "I got pregnant last year for the first time in 6 years but I LOST THE BABY."
Why is this a common phrase for women who have suffered a miscarriage? Its not OUR fault. It really is nature's fault. So this sentence really doesn't make sense. But I wonder what effect it has on us subconsiously? Does it make us feel like it was in some way our fault? I know I have questioned it at times...and things like this that come out of MY MOUTH just add to the feeling of inadequacy.
Its insane that these common phrases are used, and we never think about the full impact of our words, even on OURSELVES. Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves in the middle of taking care of everything else, and I have to think that words we say can hurt our OWN feelings at times, we are just to busy to notice.
I probably will still find myself using that phrase...but I really hope I can try to reword it when I do.
“The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to live long enough to wish you had.” ~Grace Mirabella

Baby's Due Date

Saturday was our baby's due date. Thursday and Friday were hard days. I cried every night. Although I am at peace with things that have happened, it was still hard to think of the fact that baby should be here...
Saturday ended up being a day where I know God's hand was in my life. I had a wonderful, fun day with DH. We have both been in a funk for awhile, and it was much needed. We laughed a lot. We went out and had lunch. We played games. It was just a really good day for us. I hardly even thought of the sadness that surrounded the day.
And it was interesting, yesterday I woke up to AF just showing up all on her own. It was on CD 50, but usually I can't expect her at all without some type of help. So I am hoping this is a good sign for me.
I am going in on Thursday to hopefully get on anti-depressants. I'm still not doing better on that front, and I'm tired of feeling this way.
But I am thankful for my Heavenly Father for providing me a way to cope with this weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...but I know that it didn't just "happen" to be that way.
So, one more month and the beginnings of Spring will be here, and I for one can't wait. I am hoping that some happy times lie ahead for me and that I make some WONDERFUL memories this year. And if I had a surprise BFP thrown in there, I don't know if I would be too sad about that. LOL. But, I hope January was a good start to the year for the rest of you. Thanks for all of your on going support and those who take a minute to write me comments...they really do mean SO much to me.

What lies ahead?

This is the question in my mind lately. I still have no answer. I haven't blogged for awhile, because I just don't have anything new to blog. I had an epiphany this weekend, where I realized that it was probably for the best that we lost the baby...its still hard, and I wish she was here. But there is a lot going on in our life right now, that I'm not sure it would have been the best for us or the baby. And taking that even a step further, I am to the point now where I look ahead, and I don't even see me TTCing again. The desire is just gone. This is about TTC mind you, not about having a baby in general. People are telling me that after a break it will change, but I'm not sure. I don't feel it changing so far...
I still get sad about the baby, when I see new babies being born on Facebook, when I hear of others having a baby. I get punched in the gut, and I hate that feeling. But if I don't feel to TTC anymore, why do I get this feeling still?
I just want to be normal and have a baby all on our own. I don't want Doctor's to be involved. I don't want to time everything, I don't want to think about it all the time. Its just too much.
So at this point I don't know what lies ahead for us/me. Maybe at some point it will change...but after almost 6 months of "healing" since the miscarriage, I still don't feel any different. I don't want to go back to the TTC world...I really don't.

Why?

Today I was happy. Had a lovely day with a friend/friends yesterday...was feeling better about plans DH and I were making. Feeling happy and excited about planning our first vacation since 06 and to our favorite place, DISNEYLAND. Then out of the blue the phone rings this morning. DH hands me the phone after someone asks for me.

Lady: Is this Tami?

Tami: Yes?

Lady: Hi this is your lactation consultant from WIC, I was hoping to be able to talk with you before you delivered your baby!"

Tami: Silence. And then "I miscarried."

Lady: Oh I'm so sorry, I must have old paperwork. Was this your first?

Tami: At this point wanting to scream at her YES! And we tried for 6 years for our first! And now here you are making it so I can't just pretend this month isn't my biggest nightmare come true. But I just mumble, "yes".

Lady: Oh well I wish you well with everything.

Hang up.

I mean seriously, I can understand this lady was doing her job, but do they not understand how this could tail spin someone down a hole for awhile?? We know SOMEONE there knows because DH called and told them about a week after it happened.
I was so jumbled at that point, neither of us had any clue something like this was coming. I immediately started sobbing at this point, and after that my whole body just went numb. You all have to realize I have been suffering from depression since the miscarriage. I haven't gotten any help, but today was kind of scary. I have never felt that pit of darkness so deep before. For about an hour it was like I wasn't even aware of what was happening around me. DH was shaking me, and I couldn't even find enough awareness to respond. So needless to say I have an appointment with a Dr next Thursday to get me on anti depressants. So goodie, two doctor's visits next week. :P
I hope though after the appointment this fog I have been living in will lift. I want this to be a good year, and it really seems like it can be. But not with this depression cloud hanging over me....
Anyhow...today sucks.