Thursday, May 28, 2015

I Hate...and I mean HATE this roller coaster ride

I'm going to start blogging again, because honestly, I need the outlet. I have recently left Facebook after realizing how much of a trigger it was for me basically going through the whole emotions and yada yada yada that comes with infertility.
I will start by saying...I am blessed beyond measure. I get that. I know there are a lot of infertile women looking at this going...REALLY? What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes with one. And to be completely honest, I used to be you. I used to wonder when I went through my 7 years of infertility waiting for my first, how these women who were complaining about not being able to get pregnant AGAIN could be so insensitive to us still waiting. And now here I am. The wandering, lost and alone infertile woman. Who can't sit with the infertiles because, well, I have a child. But who also can't sit with the fertiles because, well, I'm still infertile. Where do people like us go? Are we doomed to just wander? Homeless, shelterless...supportless??
But here I sit. 4+ years after finding out I was pregnant with my son...and grieving. Badly. I will be honest that it probably isn't a black hole sucking me in like it did before my son. His little arms around my neck, and kisses on my face really do make it a LITTLE more bearable. But in other aspects there is a whole new side to the grief. I know the unexpressable joy having a child gives you. I loved being pregnant...I loved being in the hospital with a newborn. I LOVE being a mom. But when you watch your child become aware that other kids have playmates...that other kids aren't heart aches in a whole new way. When you child is on the brink of going to school...and no longer needing his mama and YOU aren't ready for grieve.
My husband and I both come from what these days are considered "large" families. I always dreamed of having several children. Having a crazy, but very full life. Here I sit though...the silence echoing as my little boys childhood slips through my fingers.
As far as where we are at in the process of trying to have another one, we are basically in holding mode. My husband has about 1 year of school left, so at this point we aren't actively seeking treatments because we both feel it would be way too much stress for both of us to try to do the Dr appointments and all that while we are rarely seeing each other. This was a lot of what happened during those 7 years of waiting for our first...just...waiting. I'm obviously not going to be one of those miraculous people who just gets pregnant out of the blue. My body is experiencing PCOS worse then it was before I had my son. I was a little more regular after he was born, but that has all but stopped. I have gained an even more significant amount of weight, and just all the wonderful things that come with PCOS. UGH.
It just really sucks realizing that you can't get pregnant on your own. OH. One thing that has happened though, is we found out for sure we are both a problem. We had a consultation with an RE, my first one ever, and he told us based on my husband's SA, he has issues too. So we are combating both I guess. It really makes me feel like our little guy is TRULY a miracle because of all the obstacles in our way.
I still feel broken. I still feel like the odd man out. I have no friends...which adds a whole lot more mommy guilt on top of the sadness, since in turn my son doesn't have friends. And he doesn't have a sibling so his social interactions are a cause for concern for me.
Anyway. Infertility hurts. PCOS sucks. I feel like I am back to playing the same old melody on my little violin. I am just praying that we can have one more. I feel like our family is incomplete. I feel like a failure. But I do also feel blessed. I do feel guilt at being so sad when I do have one. I do feel horrible at feeling this way. This is a big reason we have only decided to have two. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going through these ups and downs, and neither of us want to keep putting my body through the stress of fertility treatments more then that.
So here we go slowing making our way up the first hill...again....I appreciate those who are here to sit beside me on this horrible, but worthwhile ride.