Thursday, May 28, 2015

I Hate...and I mean HATE this roller coaster ride

I'm going to start blogging again, because honestly, I need the outlet. I have recently left Facebook after realizing how much of a trigger it was for me basically going through the whole emotions and yada yada yada that comes with infertility.
I will start by saying...I am blessed beyond measure. I get that. I know there are a lot of infertile women looking at this going...REALLY? What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes with one. And to be completely honest, I used to be you. I used to wonder when I went through my 7 years of infertility waiting for my first, how these women who were complaining about not being able to get pregnant AGAIN could be so insensitive to us still waiting. And now here I am. The wandering, lost and alone infertile woman. Who can't sit with the infertiles because, well, I have a child. But who also can't sit with the fertiles because, well, I'm still infertile. Where do people like us go? Are we doomed to just wander? Homeless, shelterless...supportless??
But here I sit. 4+ years after finding out I was pregnant with my son...and grieving. Badly. I will be honest that it probably isn't a black hole sucking me in like it did before my son. His little arms around my neck, and kisses on my face really do make it a LITTLE more bearable. But in other aspects there is a whole new side to the grief. I know the unexpressable joy having a child gives you. I loved being pregnant...I loved being in the hospital with a newborn. I LOVE being a mom. But when you watch your child become aware that other kids have playmates...that other kids aren't heart aches in a whole new way. When you child is on the brink of going to school...and no longer needing his mama and YOU aren't ready for grieve.
My husband and I both come from what these days are considered "large" families. I always dreamed of having several children. Having a crazy, but very full life. Here I sit though...the silence echoing as my little boys childhood slips through my fingers.
As far as where we are at in the process of trying to have another one, we are basically in holding mode. My husband has about 1 year of school left, so at this point we aren't actively seeking treatments because we both feel it would be way too much stress for both of us to try to do the Dr appointments and all that while we are rarely seeing each other. This was a lot of what happened during those 7 years of waiting for our first...just...waiting. I'm obviously not going to be one of those miraculous people who just gets pregnant out of the blue. My body is experiencing PCOS worse then it was before I had my son. I was a little more regular after he was born, but that has all but stopped. I have gained an even more significant amount of weight, and just all the wonderful things that come with PCOS. UGH.
It just really sucks realizing that you can't get pregnant on your own. OH. One thing that has happened though, is we found out for sure we are both a problem. We had a consultation with an RE, my first one ever, and he told us based on my husband's SA, he has issues too. So we are combating both I guess. It really makes me feel like our little guy is TRULY a miracle because of all the obstacles in our way.
I still feel broken. I still feel like the odd man out. I have no friends...which adds a whole lot more mommy guilt on top of the sadness, since in turn my son doesn't have friends. And he doesn't have a sibling so his social interactions are a cause for concern for me.
Anyway. Infertility hurts. PCOS sucks. I feel like I am back to playing the same old melody on my little violin. I am just praying that we can have one more. I feel like our family is incomplete. I feel like a failure. But I do also feel blessed. I do feel guilt at being so sad when I do have one. I do feel horrible at feeling this way. This is a big reason we have only decided to have two. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going through these ups and downs, and neither of us want to keep putting my body through the stress of fertility treatments more then that.
So here we go slowing making our way up the first hill...again....I appreciate those who are here to sit beside me on this horrible, but worthwhile ride.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Weak Spot

So today Nate and I were talking on our way home...more me talking and him listening. But I was expressing how I wish people knew that I HATE feeling the way I do when it comes to pregnancy and babies. Just like the quote above says, it's my weak spot. I am blessed. I have a little boy who I adore and love more then anything in this world. BUT I will say, it still hurts when other's announce their pregnancy...or have a baby. I hate feeling this way. I hate that it's almost like being blindsided. Every time I try to prepare myself for the blow, but then the internal instinct kicks in and I feel like I have been kicked in the gut.
It has led to friendships being dissolved, feelings being hurt...I feel like people expect that those feelings just leave with the birth of a baby. Just as people expect that it will be "easier" to have another baby. It just isn't that way for everyone. That is the other thing too, infertility journey's are not the same for everyone. There are women out there who are sad about it, but cope really well. I am just not one of them. I used to dream about having a big family (if you consider 4 or 5 a big family) but I started to realize at a pretty young age that something was wrong for me. And I will tell you at the age of 15 or 16 even though I didn't yet have my PCOS diagnoses, that I stopped dreaming about the number of children I would have someday. It is sad that PCOS is becoming a more common diagnoses and that I know there are other teenage girls realizing the same thing. It breaks my heart.
I just wanted to put it out there that someone like me doesn't CHOOSE to feel this way about this subject. I know most of my friends struggling with infertility would LOVE to NOT feel this way the same as I do. I think it has made realize that we all need to acknowledge that first off some emotions or reactions are beyond our control...and second that we need to forgive people. No one is perfect. We all do things we regret at sometime or another. And life is a harsh teacher.
So there lies my Achilles heel. I'm not sure that it will ever change...but I know time is a great teacher, and I hope eventually I learn to just be happy and not feel any twinge of pain with this subject.
I hope you all had a happy and safe New Year! :) Happy 2014!

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Never thought I would be here again....

Today has been a rough day. I'm not sure why, because we aren't "officially" trying or anything. I have a Dr's appointment set in February to get my annual exam done, and I'm hoping I convince the dr to maybe take a peek at my ovaries and see how bad they are (I am guessing bad). But I feel defeated today. I never thought I would be here again...this place...these feelings. The longing and the why me's. We went walking around a store today looking for something for L and seeing all the baby stuff was just kind painful. L is no longer a baby...he is growing more independent all the time. I love him to death, and he will always be my miracle baby...but I just want to experience it all one more time. I want to savor the pregnancy, and hold the next baby as much as I can stand.
I had a dream the other night that we had another little boy. And this is the first dream that I have had where I have two felt like confirmation to me that we will end up with 2 boys, but I just feel like....when? And the fact that I didn't respond to the Femara like I did last time, has me very worried that we will have to explore more invasive and EXPENSIVE avenues to add to our family. And that is not an option at this point.
I know I need to try to lose some weight...that is probably really the biggest culprit to the Femara not working.
I cannot even explain how DEVASTATED I am that I can see my Miracle Dr again...It's just been one blow after another. Those 7 years waiting for Landon were excruciating. But there came a point after I met Dr. J (LOL) that I kind of felt like we were on the path to getting that baby, it was just a matter of when. But right now I am feeling like everything is scattered. I hope that feeling goes away once we meet with the new Dr...find out we like her and set a plan up to get us there one more time.
I have just been a little thrown off by this secondary infertility journey. I just didn't think it would hurt as bad...and if I am being totally honest, I was convinced that taking the same protocol as before I would get pregnant in a month or two...and I feel kind of scared since it didn't happen.
Trying to have faith in God again...I feel strongly there is one more member of our family, but sometimes I wonder if I am wrong and Landon is it.
I have been debating on even recording this journey again...because I know those who are still suffering through getting the first baby maybe feel like it's not as hard...?? I maybe even felt that way myself at times. But I am being totally honest when I say I have been totally taken by surprise at the intensity of the feelings. But I know I am super blessed to be able to look into L's eyes and hug him and maybe have him take some of the hurt away.
Just like my previous journey, I am sorry to say I am not articulate. But I hope me blogging has given people some help, that you aren't alone. And having a baby doesn't cure infertility for everyone. And secondary infertility hurts too....

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Praying for 1 more...

I'm back on the infertility merry go round again. We are wanting to try for one more, but I am thinking I am going to go through the whole thing again. Our insurance is switching over so I can't see my Miracle Dr that helped us conceive Landon. I have been having weird symptoms related to PCOS, so my idea is I might have to have another surgery in order to get pregnant again. I just don't want Landon to be alone. I know how much my siblings mean to me, so I just can't do it.
I have been surprised about how much it hurts again to be going through it. There isn't the desperation that I felt with number 1, but I still feel such a sadness and longing to have one more baby.
Anyway, I love being a mom. I can't believe that my baby will be 2 years old in just a few weeks. Time goes SO fast, it seems so unfair sometimes that it took so long to have him and now time just FLIES!
I also have opened an Etsy store. The link is My Cubby's Corner (My Etsy shop) it is currently on vacation, but hope my readers will catch up on it again after Christmas.
But anyhow, I'm going to be back blogging again! Thanks to all those who supported me through my first round, I know that Landon was a result of so many prayers on our behalf!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Infertility: The gift that keeps giving

Hello again! I am ALIVE! I haven't really felt to post much on here since having my baby...I am sure you can all understand why. But here I am contemplating having another one. Yes, my PCOS is in full swing. I have only had about two periods since having Landon. My acne is back, I am heavier then I have EVER know. The fun stuff. So I know that having the next one is going to be just as hard as having Landon was.
I am unsure of when we will be trying to have the next one. But it has been on my mind lately. I don't know if it's because we are quickly approaching Landon's first birthday, if it's because I am turning 30 next year or that we are LOVING being parents, more then we ever thought we would. Nate is an awesome Dad...I love being a Mom and hope I am doing a good job of it.
I really don't want Landon to be alone either. You just never know what is going to happen...and I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had my siblings growing up....and even now. They are just so important I think. This is my personal opinion of course...but I just don't want Landon to be an only child.
Things are still really bad financially. I can't see us currently having another one, just because of the living situation we are in, lack of know. But then I think what if that never changes? Does that mean that Landon will have to be an only child? I have limited us to 2 kids. I told Nate unless things change drastically for us, we will only be having 2.
I am just undecided on when to try, I really am. I watch my 3 year old niece with Landon and she is so good and helpful. And there is enough space between them that they aren't constantly fighting, but then again she isn't constantly around him either. So I really don't know what to do!
I hate making these life altering decisions...I really do!
But I wanted to reopen my blog, let you all know I was blogging again, and hope that you will join me (and support me AGAIN!) on my journey to giving Landon a sibling!

Friday, January 13, 2012


Landon was born January 4, 2012! The whole birth story is on my other blog, which you can find the link to on the right hand side! :)

Friday, December 30, 2011

Last Weekend...

Just my hubby and I. It seems so unreal. I can't really even visualize how life is going to change. I can't even really imagine what it will be like to hold my little boy and wrap my head around the fact that he is MINE. My DNA, my body carried's just such a miracle.
I have contemplated the past 7 years over the last 9 months, thinking of the long journey that got us to this point. I was thinking today how many people have prayed for us, and supported us, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every prayer offered on our behalf. So many times I was SURE I would never be able to experience what I have and will. So many times thinking that I would be childless forever. And now standing on the edge of motherhood, there is a lot of fear and excitement all mixed in to one.
Looking back I wouldn't change anything over the past 7 years. I can say that now because I am on the other side looking back, but I can tell you the me going through the last 7 years would freak out that the me now is saying that! But it's true. It just feels like the right time, the right baby, the right frame of mind for this to be happening.
Thank you so much for those that have helped me, supported me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and cried with me. I don't know how I would have done it without you!!!
I will be sure to update when he is here, so be on the lookout for that. I am not sure how much this blog will be used once he is here, because life moves forward. I have reopened my family blog in anticipation of this, you can find the link on the right hand side. I will blog more there about being a Mom and our little family. :) But thank you again! You are all wonderful!