Friday, May 14, 2010

Emergency Emotional Shutoff...

Lately I have been thinking about how closed down I am emotionally. I'm trying to explore some of these things about myself while we are on break. I'm trying to learn why I am the way I am about things. Especially with TTC, mostly since starting treatments last fall, I have totally disconnected myself from the whole process. Emotionally I completely shutdown. If one cycle failed it would just be oh well, time to focus on what's next. And maybe that's normal. But it isn't for me. I feel the heartbreak in there, deep under many layers and locks. But lately I have a hard time just letting true emotion have its place in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I have turned my heart into stone. Things have been kind of strained and tense between Nate and I. We have a lot of stress hanging over us, and aren't sure how its all going to play out. But I feel emotionally disconnected from our marriage. I feel emotionally disconnected from myself, and from life. And I honestly don't know how to turn that around! I want to be able to let myself cry, or be angry, or hurt especially to be truly happy for a moment....but I feel I betray others when I am. Maybe even betray myself...I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone and it would feel good. What has happened to me? Has trying to get pregnant turned me into someone I don't recognize or even want to be?
I don't even know if these thoughts even really make sense. I'm sure some of what's happening is my body and souls way of protecting itself from the pain that surrounds me everyday. But I want to be to feel the pain sometimes, not be numb to it every second. I need to grieve. I need to feel emotion...I need to feel my heart beating and my soul still feeling alive. Maybe I need to seek professional help, I don't know. But something I think needs to happen for me to make it out of this process with my heart intact.
I have had a lot of hard things happen to me in my life. I saw a counselor awhile ago, who after hearing my story said, "It seems like your life has just been consumed with loss." And I couldn't disagree. My life has been hard. I know others out there definitely have it harder then I do. But that doesn't make my life any less hard. Sadly a lot of the things I have been through are there everyday....somehow I reminded that I'm severely overweight, or that my Mom isn't here, or that I don't have children....or that anxiety controls my life to the point where I can't even get out there and accomplish the worldly things I should be...I wish these things would just give me a break. Some rest. Some relief.
This will be a process. I'm sure I will talk about it more, as I explore this who topic within myself. And maybe even get help.... :)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Deep Breath

So, we are going on break from treatments. Not preventing, just taking a break from drugs and doctors visits. I feel relaxed about it, and glad that we can take the summer to accomplish some of our goals. But always in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should just keep going. Especially because this month we found a combination that was successful at making me Ovulate. But we need the break. Our marriage needs it, and I personally need it.
Mother's Day came and went. I survived. I have some really nice women in our neighborhood who care about me, but I mostly hibernated. Its a day where I give myself a break from pasting on the smile and pretending I'm happy about that new pregnancy announcement or hearing the "baby talk". Hubby doesn't really get it, and that's okay. I don't understand all of his feelings either. :)
My birthday is next month, I will be 27...inching closer and closer to that 30...I really thought when I was younger I would have kids by now. It is really heartbreaking, to the point where I don't even look forward to my birthday anymore. It is just another reminder for me, that life is just not what I thought it would be at this point.
*Sigh* Sorry about the depressing post. Its just been a long couple of weeks, and I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps. Hopefully summer will come along and I will get out of this funk. :) Toodles!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Activate: Hibernation Mode

MOTHER'S DAY....the dreaded holiday, that I have dreaded since even before has this day ALWAYS been hard for me. Losing my Mom when I was but a tiny 4 year old girl, I remember in classes they would always do projects for Mom's. I would sit there and watch the other girls talk about how there mom's were going to love their gifts. And at church I would witness all the has always been a hard day for me.
More and more this holiday reminds more and more of what I don't have in my life. A Mom to run to, when DH is being dumb....or to help me go through all these hard things with trying to get pregnant. My arms are empty of my own baby...
Yeah, its a hard holiday. I am not saying that Mom's don't deserve recognition. They do. Sometimes I think we forget the meaning of Church at times though. Even other day's then Mother's and Father's day. We are there to worship the Savior, and sometimes that gets lost a long the way.
It sounds like we will be spending Mother's Day with DH's family (enter eye roll here...I mean big grin!) It won't be that bad. I just want to hide out in my room that holiday though. I don't want the sympathy pats and hugs, and the sympathy "gift" on the way out of church, which usually ends up in the garbage.

*Sigh* I just miss my mom...and my baby.....

Happy NOT Mother's Day.