Lately I have been thinking about how closed down I am emotionally. I'm trying to explore some of these things about myself while we are on break. I'm trying to learn why I am the way I am about things. Especially with TTC, mostly since starting treatments last fall, I have totally disconnected myself from the whole process. Emotionally I completely shutdown. If one cycle failed it would just be oh well, time to focus on what's next. And maybe that's normal. But it isn't for me. I feel the heartbreak in there, deep under many layers and locks. But lately I have a hard time just letting true emotion have its place in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I have turned my heart into stone. Things have been kind of strained and tense between Nate and I. We have a lot of stress hanging over us, and aren't sure how its all going to play out. But I feel emotionally disconnected from our marriage. I feel emotionally disconnected from myself, and from life. And I honestly don't know how to turn that around! I want to be able to let myself cry, or be angry, or hurt especially to be truly happy for a moment....but I feel I betray others when I am. Maybe even betray myself...I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone and it would feel good. What has happened to me? Has trying to get pregnant turned me into someone I don't recognize or even want to be?
I don't even know if these thoughts even really make sense. I'm sure some of what's happening is my body and souls way of protecting itself from the pain that surrounds me everyday. But I want to be to feel the pain sometimes, not be numb to it every second. I need to grieve. I need to feel emotion...I need to feel my heart beating and my soul still feeling alive. Maybe I need to seek professional help, I don't know. But something I think needs to happen for me to make it out of this process with my heart intact.
I have had a lot of hard things happen to me in my life. I saw a counselor awhile ago, who after hearing my story said, "It seems like your life has just been consumed with loss." And I couldn't disagree. My life has been hard. I know others out there definitely have it harder then I do. But that doesn't make my life any less hard. Sadly a lot of the things I have been through are there everyday....somehow I reminded that I'm severely overweight, or that my Mom isn't here, or that I don't have children....or that anxiety controls my life to the point where I can't even get out there and accomplish the worldly things I should be...I wish these things would just give me a break. Some rest. Some relief.
This will be a process. I'm sure I will talk about it more, as I explore this who topic within myself. And maybe even get help.... :)