Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Some things that are right...are just so WRONG!

Being on break just stinks. BIG TIME. I mean, I know there are a TON of reasons why we are on break. And they all are good reasons. But its hard. As much as I hate being in the thick of it all...I actually want to be back there, actively trying.
Things have been good for Hubby and I. The break has taken the pressure off and we are starting to have more fun together. The mood is just more relaxed. And its been good. I just can't imagine waiting a WHOLE YEAR to start trying again.
I am still trying to deal with the miscarriage. I am ok most the time, but then there are times I think about how far along I would be at this time, and I can't help but shed a few tears. I miss my baby desperately...but I also have faith in my Heavenly Father that He knows what's best. And whatever the reason was our baby couldn't come to Earth at this time was a good reason.
I was reading on the r house blog today (you can find the link on the left side under my blog list) and she was talking about how eventually going through infertility made her feel special, and unique. And most the time I do feel that way. I get more time with husband, (who makes me laugh so hard....I will have to eventually tell the story of "bum pits" because it still makes me laugh and smile to this day!!). I have more free time to pursue things I would like to learn. I have quiet time to think and ponder things of a spiritual nature. I get to spend countless hours talking to my wonderful Dad, and I know I will cherish those hours when he is gone. There are many positives to a childless life. But there is always an ache in my heart...
So I will continue to struggle forward, and learn how to cope with it all. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and it has brought my anxiety out of the woodwork again...which stinks. I have pretty horrible teeth like my mom and grandparents. All of my molars have some type of decay on them. So it will take awhile to get it all under control. If its not one thing, its another, and I just feel like what more can this body take? Seriously??
But like my Dad said to me "You will get through it. It will be hard, but just like everything else, you will get through it."
And I will. :)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Going on Break After All...

We will be taking a break from infertility treatments, probably for a year. I have 3 teeth that are in really bad shape, and Nate has probably twice as many. So we are going to focus on that for the next while. While its sad, we have neglected our teeth for WAY too long. I will probably blog on my family blog more then this one for now, you can find it on the right hand side called Journey Towards Forever. TTFN! :)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hard To Start Over Again....

So, today was my first Dr's appointment since my D&C. Just a check up to see what was going on, how we were. I was very surprised and happy that my Dr asked us how we were doing emotionally. I know some women have to be on Anti-Depressants after miscarriages, and I feel very fortunate that I haven't spiraled into a depression. I have to say I know that its because of 2 things. One is my husband, he has been such a support, so sweet and caring, and optimistic. The other is my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of His great plan, and that He is watching over me. I would feel so lost without this knowledge.

The Dr's appointment wasn't very easy. Being there just brought back all the feelings of what happened. Not to mention everywhere I turn there is a big belly bump....that's the hardest part I think of going to the Dr's.

So we are back on the treatment road. Just waiting for a fresh cycle to start and then begins the drugs, shots, and ultrasounds...how I have learned to hate that ultrasound machine...it has become the bane of my existence I think. Well, that and my stupid weight issues...but that's another post. Its funny because the nurses don't even give me instructions anymore in the ultrasound room. They know I just know.

I just pray that we are blessed with another baby soon. My Dr is optimistic, and so am I. It will happen when its supposed to, this I know for sure. The waiting is hard. The trying is hard. But it will all be worth it in the end.

I also wanted to share my new necklace. I got it from the r house, you can find her blog here: http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ she has a store on Etsy, you can find it on the right hand column of her blog. I just decided what I wanted and asked for it. I love it...it already has a very special meaning for me. There is something about the little jade bird that touches me...I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I feel like my baby grew wings, or maybe I feel like I'm growing wings after all the experiences I have been through. I'm not sure. Anyhow! I highly recommend her stuff.

Well, its just a waiting game (again!). I'm sure I will be blogging more now, so I hope you will all check back often. :)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Reality...

...I am completely and absolutely devastated.
...I am afraid to start crying, because when I do it lasts for hours and feels like I will never stop.
...My heart is broken.
...This is probably harder then anything else I have experienced.
...I am terrified of this happening again and again, the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me forever.
...I want to scream when I realize I am back at square one and facing treatments, pills, shots, hours at the Dr's office, and tons of money out the door if I want this to happen again.
...I really wonder why this had to happen to me when millions of women have happy and healthy first pregnancies.
...People just expect me to be "over it" and I'm just not, and really don't know if I ever will be.
...I can hardly stand to think of the milestones I would have been hitting, and I am terrified for when my due date comes around.
...Its made me question why even more, some people are given children when they don't deserve or even want them.
...I often wonder why if this is our trial, why we can't have more money...why this has to stand between me and my chance of trying again.
...Its made me realize how much I take my husband for granted, and how he truly is my best friend and soul-mate.
...I feel more grateful for the Spirit and its whisperings of comfort. I don't know how people live without it...I couldn't.
...I have developed a greater love and respect for my Savior. When I think about how I feel inside, and how He must have felt suffering for all the pains and sins of the world, how truly UNBEARABLE that must have been...
...I want to try again...but am still deciding when that will be...

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Worst Day

We found out our baby left us today. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. Its been very hard, so I don't know when I will be back to the infertility blogging world. We appreciate all the prayers and support. I will be back, hopefully soon.