Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Birth Control...here I come...

Yep, have an appointment this friday to get it started. In good news I finally had my first period since the miscarriage, and it was a breeze really. Minus the total PMS that had me screaming at my hubby for a few days (poor guy). I don't know how my Dr is going to feel about us taking an extended break, but we gots to do what is best for us finanically/health/emotional wise. I'm quite worried about taking birth control though, just because one of the side effects I always here of is weight gain. My Dr even mentioned it to me when we were talking about taking a break in the first place.
I have gotten some recommendations from some ladies with PCOS though for which ones are good, and I'm thinking I'm going to opt for Ortho-Trycyclin LO. But we will see what my Dr says. I am just praying for no weight gain.
So, that's what is new with me. I feel like this blog is becoming useless because we aren't really trying anymore. But I know its good for me to be able to let my feelings out, and write.
So wish me luck on this new experience! :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Delayed Reaction...

So first off, the post before this was supposed to be on my family blog...lol. I noticed it the day after I posted it, and well, I just don't care.
Its been a rough couple of days. Something inside me just feels like it has snapped. As I have been thinking about how my mind deals with grief, I think that delayed reaction is it exactly. I remember when my Grandma died in 2006 I cried right away. I cried at the funeral. But it wasn't until 3 or 4 months after that I really grieved. I don't know if its just a defense mechanism that I have built inside of myself to make coping with everything after someone dies easier...I'm not sure. But needless to say here I am 2 months after I lost my little baby, and the grief is more consuming then ever. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep and cry. I'm trying hard not to let the depression win. But so far it is.
Maybe people think less of me by reading this. But like I said, I would be honest about my feelings. This week has just been a struggle and I'm really hoping that its not one of those lingering depressions.
September has some fun things in it. But its just such a strong reminder to me that I would have known what sex my baby was. I just can't wrap my mind around the grief that is in my heart and soul. And while there is a part of me that is desperate to try again, there is a bigger part of me that doesn't ever want to try, ever again. I don't know if I could handle losing another part of myself, which is essentially how I feel about the miscarriage...like part of my soul was ripped out of me.
I feel like sharing what I wrote about a month ago. I am NOT good at poetry...but I like to write because it makes me feel better to get my feelings out. I don't even think of it as a poem...its just kind of there...

Empty arms that long to hold you.
Lonely heart that longs to love you.
Barren tummy that misses its roundness.
Dreams and hopes that are dashed to pieces.

Consuming grief with no ending.
Quiet home missing memories.
Whispered prayers full of longing.
Tears on a pillow, never ceasing.

Ours for seconds, but ours forever.
Your memory forever etched on our hearts.
We try to move on, find happiness again.
But we will never forget those seconds with you...

Saturday, August 21, 2010


I thought since it had almost been a month since I updated, I should. So the 2 people that read my blog will keep reading. LOL.

So this month has mostly been full of Dental work. I went in for an xray and to talk about what work I needed done. It was horrible. I started crying so bad the dentist had to give me the gas to make me stop. It was that bad. Weird thing is though right after we left Nate's tooth started bothering him. 2 days later he looked like a chipmunk. I should tell him to give me that picture he took of his face all swollen. He had an impacted tooth, which is essentially a tooth that has become infected. We had to get a hold of the dentist on Sunday, he sent over some prescriptions for pain and amoxicllin to get the infection out. He ended up having to go to a dentist though and have his gum cut to let the infection out. Then I got to have a root canal later that week, and then he had one a week later. Then I had 2 hours of fillings on half of the teeth that need them. Now we both need crowns, and I have more filling waiting for me! So yeah, the dental bills are piling up...just what we need!

Other then that it has been a really quiet month for us. Nate has been trying to pick up extra shifts to try to help cover the costs of the dental work, so most the time I am home alone... :P Not the funnest thing, but I am grateful for a husband who will work that hard.
September will be a fun month. Nate's 30th Birthday is coming up and we have some fun ideas for what we are going to do. So I'm sure I will blog about that later.

Here is just a few recent pics I wanted to add.

Just recent cuteness. Not crazy about the pic...but it is what it is!

My new hair cut, and color. My friend Katie is so awesome, I just love my hair!!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Hard Day...

Today was a hard one....after seeing about 3 women with big bellies at Ross, I turned to DH and said "we would have been finding out what we were having soon." We about had a break down right there in the store.
Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. And I hate the days when it hits you right between the eyes. I really am hoping and praying we get to go to Disneyland next Spring...we have not had enough fun lately...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


My monthly cycle that is. Yep. Over 5 weeks out from the D&C and she has yet to show up. See this is what I HATE about PCOS. It doesn't matter that statistically you are more fertile after a miscarriage. PCOS doesn't play by the rules, at all...
I know I should be going in to get a progesterone shot, but I have 3 dentist appointments looming in front of me. I figure do as much as I can handle, and the root canal I am facing tomorrow has gotten me pretty much frazzled. I don't need to add needing to run to the bathroom in there.
Yep so next month we would have found out what sex the baby was. I am still in the "why did this even happen, what was the purpose" phase of things. Was it to give us hope? Was it to give us a glimpse into what its like to experience everything? I really don't know...and maybe there is no answer for me.
I have been tempted to see if we could do 1 cycle next month. There is a huge part of me that wants to, but there is also a part of me that wants to make this a true break. But it is hard when we have all the prescriptions for the meds...we got pregnant on the first cycle, I keep thinking if this is proof that we could be lucky and have it happen again. But then I think of going through a loss again so soon...could I emotionally handle that? I don't know...
See how unfun it is to be in my brain? These circles just run around endlessly in my mind! Its so hard coming into this world without some type of road map...some type of future vision. I sometimes feel like I am stumbling around in the dark.
Well, if you don't see me blog ever again you will know the root canal did indeed kill me. I'm not ruling that out as a possibility. (Yes this is a true indication of how totally freaked out I am over it....) Wish me luck!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A Breath of Fresh Air

I feel like I will always be a childless woman. I know someday that might change. But right now, its like this cloud that hovers over me. It feels as though there is ALWAYS something to remind me about the miscarriage or the fact that I don't have children. I see someone from my past, and though they were a year or two younger then me, they already have 4 children. And seeing them is always inevitiably followed by "so do you have kids?" And I know in the future it will be replaced with "so do you have any grandkids?"
I look at the date on a calander and I can't help be think, "I would be this many weeks...we would be getting close to finding out the sex...my belly would be getting bigger..." It goes on. I don't even want to begin thinking about how I will feel when my due date comes around. And next year is my 10 year high school reunion. While I would love to go, its something I will have to think about as the time gets closer.
But I know there is a reason for all of this. God has proven to me time and time again that He see's the beginning and the end. And while I may not see a reason for it right now, I will in time.
I read this last night, and it was one of those moments where I feel God is speaking directly to me and giving me comfort.

"...Sing O barren, thou that didst not bare; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child...
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed but my kindess shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." --3 Nephi 22:1,7,8,10