I feel like I will always be a childless woman. I know someday that might change. But right now, its like this cloud that hovers over me. It feels as though there is ALWAYS something to remind me about the miscarriage or the fact that I don't have children. I see someone from my past, and though they were a year or two younger then me, they already have 4 children. And seeing them is always inevitiably followed by "so do you have kids?" And I know in the future it will be replaced with "so do you have any grandkids?"
I look at the date on a calander and I can't help be think, "I would be this many weeks...we would be getting close to finding out the sex...my belly would be getting bigger..." It goes on. I don't even want to begin thinking about how I will feel when my due date comes around. And next year is my 10 year high school reunion. While I would love to go, its something I will have to think about as the time gets closer.
But I know there is a reason for all of this. God has proven to me time and time again that He see's the beginning and the end. And while I may not see a reason for it right now, I will in time.
I read this last night, and it was one of those moments where I feel God is speaking directly to me and giving me comfort.
"...Sing O barren, thou that didst not bare; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child...
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed but my kindess shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." --3 Nephi 22:1,7,8,10