Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Am I still on Earth?

BCP, TTC, LAP, MET, BFP, BFN, IUI, IVF, MC, PCOS, BD...and the list goes on. If someone would have told me when I graduated from High School that I would be able to just look at that list and know what each of them meant, I would have laughed....hard. But I do know what these mean. I feel like I have been transported to another planet that I never knew existed. And many, many, many, people don't even know exists!
Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing I have ever faced. Yes, even losing my Mom at a very young age and growing up in a house full of boys. I sometimes wonder why I was chosen to have this trial. Why I have been given such a hard thing to deal with in my life. I just have to assume that God wants me to do something with it. I'm still looking for exactly what it is He wants me to do...but I feel I get closer a little at a time....

Thursday, January 14, 2010

When the going gets tough...

the tough get going. Only problem is, I really am a wimp. Things are getting hard and stressful for me. Exactly one week from tomorrow is my pre-op appointment. It seems like time has slowed WAY down...I am so nervous. But hopeful. But nervous...
I wonder all the time, will this be worth it? Will it lead to us having children? What if its worse then my dr thinks? What if its not salvageable?
I really thought TTC was hard before. But honestly getting into all the medications and the questions and surgery and etc it all adds a whole other "hard" to the equation. I really just hope this leads to our dream. I don't know what I will do if this doesn't change things much. Sometimes I don't know if I will even be able to stand it...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Open mouth, insert foot...

I find myself feeling this way a lot lately. Its like infertility has made me so fiesty. Maybe even mean. I am currently on the activites committee for Relief Society, and I question why I have been asked to be on it. I just hate to be left out, and because I have been left out a lot in the past 5 years, I hate to think of anyone else being left out. So when they plan some of these activities, I just see people being left out.
Maybe my problem is I want Relief Society to be a substitute for having real live friends. I have friends online, but honestly unless my friend from Cali comes to visit, its a no girlfriend time EVER year. Its hard because being childless, you are automatically put into this group that no one wants to touch. People think you are contagious almost, at least it seems that way. I need friends, I need people to laugh with and bounce ideas off of. But at times it seems to much to ask.
I wonder if mom's realize that those of us without children need friends? I guess maybe they see me as someone they just can't relate to, but why can't we just love and support each other even though maybe our lives aren't exactly the same?
The funny thing is my husband and I have been snubbed by other infertile couples too. And that has always just surprised me. I would love to have support from other people going through the same things, but they seem to think someone is spying on us and it will be the end of the world if we are seen together.
I'm just lonely. My friend came and visited from Cali this past month, and I got to spend an evening with her, and it was SO nice. We laughed a lot, we shared a lot. It was just so refreshing and uplifting just to spend that time with someone and know they cared about me.
I pray for Heavenly Father to send me a friend. But so far it has been an unanswered prayer....

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Truth that is ME today....

1- I am currently watching Ghost Whisperer between two sleeping cats.

2- I cried at the Doctor's office today. Not pretty, and embarrassing.

3- I am scared about having surgery in a week and a half.

4- I see people from High School, and their families are growing, and it makes me want to cry more.

5- I am so grateful for my husband, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful spouse to go through this hard experience with.

6- I am feeling like their are so many obstacles in my way towards being a mom. At times I wonder if I should give up.

7- I found out today my medication isn't working, but I have to stay on it, for reasons that I don't completely understand.

8- I'm trying hard to be happy with my life. I made a resolution to try harder in my marriage, and so far so good. I have changed in the past 6 years, infertility has made me more depressed and sad. Its time to tell myself its okay to enjoy and love life even though I'm not a mom.

7- Some mom's and pregnant ladies REALLY bug me...

8- I am really grateful for the Dr I was referred to. (Thanks Katie!) Even though at times I get frustrated with him, he has been really good at explaining everything and trying to be aggressive.

9- I am exhausted, I haven't been sleeping good. Partly due to one of my kitties, and partly due to all the things I have on my mind.

10- I think its really weird I had my first cancer scare at 26...grateful it came out negative, but it just seems so young...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Nightmare(s) after Christmas...

I am doing better today. Nate and I have started some positive things going on in our life and relationship, I just hope we can continue them going through the whole year.
Of course, nightmare's still plague my sleeping time. Mostly of the Dr telling me I have cancer, or he has to take one of my ovaries or that I have to have an emergency hysterectomy. Yeah lovely huh? I am just hoping and praying that we get GOOD news, and can move forward. But I trying also not to think about it, and let it bring me down.
Nate is back to work after 3 days off. Its been so nice having him around. I wish we didn't have to work, that we just had money deposited in our bank accounts on a certain day of the month.
Well, back to my old routine today, the holiday's are offically over.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Ringing in the New Year

How did I do it? A nice long cry on my hubby's shoulders. Yep. Lovely way to start the New Year huh? I am just feeling so very overwhelmed right now. With my Dr's appointment coming up, several other things looming on the horizon, I just feel over loaded majorly. It also doesn't help that during the holiday's I get to pretend to be funny, happy, brave Tami. She gets to pretend that her life is great, that things that have happened in the last 2 years haven't taken a toll on me or my marriage. Sadly when the eyes are yet again turned away from us, things like the long cry happen frequently.
Don't get me wrong. There are times I'm fine and happy. But like I said in an earlier post, this cloud seems to just loom. It never seems to let up. Its always in the back of mind. Its just hard. The hardest thing I have been through in fact...
Anyways, my brain is scattering, and I am losing focus on this post, so I will go back to trying to enjoy my evening with my hubby. Hope all had a wonderful New Year. :)