So first off, the post before this was supposed to be on my family blog...lol. I noticed it the day after I posted it, and well, I just don't care.
Its been a rough couple of days. Something inside me just feels like it has snapped. As I have been thinking about how my mind deals with grief, I think that delayed reaction is it exactly. I remember when my Grandma died in 2006 I cried right away. I cried at the funeral. But it wasn't until 3 or 4 months after that I really grieved. I don't know if its just a defense mechanism that I have built inside of myself to make coping with everything after someone dies easier...I'm not sure. But needless to say here I am 2 months after I lost my little baby, and the grief is more consuming then ever. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep and cry. I'm trying hard not to let the depression win. But so far it is.
Maybe people think less of me by reading this. But like I said, I would be honest about my feelings. This week has just been a struggle and I'm really hoping that its not one of those lingering depressions.
September has some fun things in it. But its just such a strong reminder to me that I would have known what sex my baby was. I just can't wrap my mind around the grief that is in my heart and soul. And while there is a part of me that is desperate to try again, there is a bigger part of me that doesn't ever want to try, ever again. I don't know if I could handle losing another part of myself, which is essentially how I feel about the miscarriage...like part of my soul was ripped out of me.
I feel like sharing what I wrote about a month ago. I am NOT good at poetry...but I like to write because it makes me feel better to get my feelings out. I don't even think of it as a poem...its just kind of there...
Empty arms that long to hold you.
Lonely heart that longs to love you.
Barren tummy that misses its roundness.
Dreams and hopes that are dashed to pieces.
Consuming grief with no ending.
Quiet home missing memories.
Whispered prayers full of longing.
Tears on a pillow, never ceasing.
Ours for seconds, but ours forever.
Your memory forever etched on our hearts.
We try to move on, find happiness again.
But we will never forget those seconds with you...