Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Reality...

...I am completely and absolutely devastated.
...I am afraid to start crying, because when I do it lasts for hours and feels like I will never stop.
...My heart is broken.
...This is probably harder then anything else I have experienced.
...I am terrified of this happening again and again, the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me forever.
...I want to scream when I realize I am back at square one and facing treatments, pills, shots, hours at the Dr's office, and tons of money out the door if I want this to happen again.
...I really wonder why this had to happen to me when millions of women have happy and healthy first pregnancies.
...People just expect me to be "over it" and I'm just not, and really don't know if I ever will be.
...I can hardly stand to think of the milestones I would have been hitting, and I am terrified for when my due date comes around.
...Its made me question why even more, some people are given children when they don't deserve or even want them.
...I often wonder why if this is our trial, why we can't have more money...why this has to stand between me and my chance of trying again.
...Its made me realize how much I take my husband for granted, and how he truly is my best friend and soul-mate.
...I feel more grateful for the Spirit and its whisperings of comfort. I don't know how people live without it...I couldn't.
...I have developed a greater love and respect for my Savior. When I think about how I feel inside, and how He must have felt suffering for all the pains and sins of the world, how truly UNBEARABLE that must have been...
...I want to try again...but am still deciding when that will be...


  1. Praying for you, Tami. I don't know everything you are going through because I I miscarried before I knew I was pregnant many years ago, but I do relate to a lot of your feelings. Keep leaning on the Lord. He will give you peace on when/if to try again. Hugs!


  2. Dear Tami,

    I just found your blog and I can't stop reading it. I also saw that you now have a baby boy, so congratulations!

    I'm right at the beginning of this journey. I was diagnosed with PCOS last year, but because I was busy with my mother's terminal illness, I never made the time.

    Next month, I have doctors appointments to see what treatment/ fertility options are available to me, if any. Any advice from you that will let me remain sane and not go bat shit crazy during all of this would be great.

    Lots of love your way!