Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What lies ahead?

This is the question in my mind lately. I still have no answer. I haven't blogged for awhile, because I just don't have anything new to blog. I had an epiphany this weekend, where I realized that it was probably for the best that we lost the baby...its still hard, and I wish she was here. But there is a lot going on in our life right now, that I'm not sure it would have been the best for us or the baby. And taking that even a step further, I am to the point now where I look ahead, and I don't even see me TTCing again. The desire is just gone. This is about TTC mind you, not about having a baby in general. People are telling me that after a break it will change, but I'm not sure. I don't feel it changing so far...
I still get sad about the baby, when I see new babies being born on Facebook, when I hear of others having a baby. I get punched in the gut, and I hate that feeling. But if I don't feel to TTC anymore, why do I get this feeling still?
I just want to be normal and have a baby all on our own. I don't want Doctor's to be involved. I don't want to time everything, I don't want to think about it all the time. Its just too much.
So at this point I don't know what lies ahead for us/me. Maybe at some point it will change...but after almost 6 months of "healing" since the miscarriage, I still don't feel any different. I don't want to go back to the TTC world...I really don't.


  1. Tami,

    I hit this wall too and I can't tell you how liberating it was to get rid of all pregnancy and TTC books. I also stopped charting and went back on BC because of my PCOS. I felt great finally. Then we took a break and headed towards adoption. That is hard too, but in a different way. Just follow the spirit and you will know which direction lies ahead. Whether it's further treatments, adoption, or childfree. You can do it and don't be discouraged when people tell you what you should be doing. I hated that.

    Take care and don't let people minimize the pain of your angel baby. I have had two miscarriages and still miss them terrible. You can do this.

    Love, Sarah

  2. Hey I have had some miscarriages too and it takes a while and thats ok. It is so frustrating though that some of us can't just fall asleep and then bam we are pregnant...but I know that each of us are on our own paths for a reason and that there is a plan for each of us even though right now that plan seems pretty lame. My heart hurts everytime I think about my miscarriages and I dont know if that pain will ever leave me. You are not alone. I enjoy reading your blog, thank you for sharing, helps me not feel so lonely with my trials.

  3. Tami,

    I have been where you are. While this could be a temporary feeling I did hit that wall. I just knew in my gut it was time to get off the rollercoaster. About four years after that we tried two more treatments because my mom paid for it, but the failure of those two treatments proved to me that my decision to stop TTC was a good one.

    Please don't think that just because I quit and subsequently never had a child is a sign that you will never have child. Every life is different. God has different plans for all of us, but I do remember feeling exactly as you do now.