Glimpses...

Most Moms and Dads will disagree with this post, but to me it proves to me that my thought is accurate. I honestly believe that as Childless people we can get glimpses of what its like to be a parent. We have Furbabies who get sick, who need to be fed, and need attention. We watch our families kids, and at least I have watched them for sometimes a week at a time. So we learn what its like to lose sleep, to deal with emotional issues, to feel the tiredness that comes after chasing kids around for hours.
Today I had to take my precious baby Angel to get spayed. I sobbed....literally. I felt like my heart was ripped in two and I just could not stand leaving her there. So I got a glimpse of the heart wrench some parents go through.
But I firmly believe those who have NOT suffered with infertility don't know even in the slightest way what it feels like to be infertile. You just can't know. There is really no experience like it. I think about all the things, the endless doctor's visits, the medicines with all there side effects. The alienation by people you thought loved you and cared about you. (And I fully expect these people to want to be a part of our lives once we have kids, and they are in for a rude awakening...but that's a whole other post...) You feel defective. You wonder what the future holds for you, and it all the possibilities scare you. For me especially I think about when we are old...who will take care of us?? Who will help us when we are old and need help?? So far its looking like no one...
I have ran into people that have thought they could identify with infertility. But they were sadly mistaken. Why can't these people just accept they don't know, and want to learn more about how to support those who they know are suffering?
Even when I talk to mom's who "vent" to me how hard it is to be a mom, I know I can't understand in the way they do. I can think about the glimpses I have had when I have played the role of a parent. I think its just safe to assume when someone is talking, just caring is all that is required. Not advice, not some miracle cure that for some reason "no one" (ha!) has told us. Just remember we all need to feel someone cares. That's the most important thing...

Our Story...

I made this video today, to try to participate in NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) some more. Enjoy. :)

**Music is Dancing by Elisa. I love this song. :)

What if....?

What if I have to learn to live childless with a smile…forever?

Wow...talk about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?

When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.

How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?

Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?

Smile
tho' your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin

What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?

Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.

It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.

I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.

***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.

If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http:// www.resolve.org/infertility101

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge

If you want to know more about Project IF head over to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)

What happened to my month of miracles?

I kept telling myself this all last week. This is a month of miracles! The resurrection, the fomration of the church...why can't it be a month of miracles for me??
For me, the possibility of bad news just doesn't seem to end. I was curious why I was getting + OPK's, having symptoms of an increase of progesterone, and nothing was happening. There is a condition called Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome. There is debate if it truly does exist because hormonally the woman still goes through the same hormone changes as if ovulation has occured. And I fit the symptoms almost to a t...the treatment is what is called a trigger shot (what I got this cycle). If the first one doesn't work, they are supposed to up the dose...then if that doesn't work...IVF. Can you believe that??? This is just nuts...
I want my miracle...even if it doesn't come through a positive pregnancy test...I just so desperately want to be a mom, and all the time that goes by the drive becomes even more consuming.
I just hope my time of miracles is coming...I'm getting a little impatient waiting...

Results are in....

GIANT CYST. Here is the story. I went on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the Femara. There was some positive signs on the right side with a follicle of 22 MM. Perfect size to Ovulate out of. Well, I wasn't seeing my regular dr because he was out of town. This dr says, come back in on Friday and we will take another look. Went back in today and it had grown from 2.5 CM to 4.05!!!!!! How is that even possible?? I have no idea. Everyone I have talked to is as confused as me. The Dr gave me an HcG shot (in the butt of course) which is supposed to trigger ovulation, and now I am in SO much pain. This just really sucks. But it cemented in my decision to finally go see a specialist. So at the beginning of May we will start our journey with Reproductive Endocrinologist in Salt Lake. Ugh. Money, Money, Money. I hope they let us do things slowly so we can try to pay everything off...Its hard to figure out how to do that with an under 30,000 dollar a year salary. Geez.
We are also thinking if nothing has happened by September we are going to sign up with LDS family services adoption. Don't know if anything will happen of it. The good news is that Nate's company will reimburse for a big chunk of it. So, that may be where we end up. I guess we will see.
I am just praying I don't end up in the ER...the pain just keeps increasing...I don't know if it means the cyst is going to rupture, of if by some MIRACLE I am ovulating...I just don't want it to ruin my one good ovary.
It is hard to have a break down at the Dr's too. I held it together until we were walking out to the car...and I just lost it. I'm trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for doing this...its just hard to see that when your heart is aching.
So, I will let you all know what happens over the next little while. Probably not much. Oh and Nate and I decided to try out the South Beach Diet. Does anyone have the book they don't use anymore? LOL. I just hate to buy it. Especially because now we have to watch every dollar. So anyhow. I will keep you posted.

My life was changed yesterday...

...and everyday by the scriptures. Yesterday especially though. I was reading in 2 Nephi 9:39 "...to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."
This has really spoken to me over the last couple of days. Its true. When I focus on eternal principles, it makes things that are not going good or making my life harder, not so bad. Sure they still hurt, they are still hard. But, with eternal perspective they don't seem as bad, God's timetable comes into view and I remember why I was sent here to Earth. Having children is part of that, I'm not going to deny it. BUT its not the most important part. The most important to me is summed up in Jenny Philips song Valiant Faith. Part of it says "I want to return to His arms unashamed."
God knows in my heart there is a desperation to become a mother. Specifically a Mother who knows her Savior and Heavenly Father and has strong desires to teach any children sent to her home this every day.
So what more can I do? Exactly what I am doing, but turning all outcomes to Heavenly Father...and trusting that His vision sees all. Even when I question this huge "stumbling block" in my life, remembering His timetable, His vision, His desire for me to return to His arms, also. Its hard to hand over trust to someone. But, if you have to, why not to the one who sees the beginning AND the end?
So, about what is happening right now. I'm waiting to see if I ovulate. I got a positive ovulation strip yesterday. But I feel like I'm having a repeat of February. All the signs of Ovulation, but it doesn't happen for some reason. Honestly I think its stress. I need to learn to relax and let things come. I am just such a controller. Stress is THE worst thing for trying to have a baby...and its THE one thing that I am the best at!
So we will see what happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully its not more cysts or a huge cyst. I hate those things with a passion!
I also just wanted to say, I know there are many of you out there praying for us, and I want to say thank you for those prayers...we have felt them. We have been uplifted by them...they have been a huge blessing in our life. So thank you! We love you all! :)