Thursday, April 22, 2010

What if....?

What if I have to learn to live childless with a smile…forever? about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?

When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.

How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?

Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?

tho' your heart is aching,
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin

What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?

Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.

It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.

I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.

***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.

If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http://

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http://

If you want to know more about Project IF head over to:

***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)


  1. Thank you so much for coming over to my little space on the web and leaving me a comment. You totally made my day! I know your fear, I feel the same way about my hubby. I wish I had some awsome advice for you but I a sure you have heard it all. But I would love to offer my friendship you can email me when ever you would like, sometimes its nice to know that you have a friend that is going through the same thing.
    mtjohnsonjr (at) hotmail (dot) com

  2. Hey Tami!
    You are so sweet. I have given up sugar, enriched white anything {like rice and flour}; and starches. I am also in the middle of reading the Fertility Diet so far it has been super boring but all the info is really good. I am also thinking of giving up wheat. Oh and I am taking red raspberry leaf, cinnamon and prenatal. I hope that helps I know sometimes I can have just ramble on and on. I am going to do a post on my diet more in depth later this week.

  3. Thank you for writing this. My husband and I have walked the same road and wondered the same thing. I didn't want children before I met him, but he's great with kids and I enjoy them, and it seemed right. I didn't think we'd end up where we are, now honorary aunt and uncle to other peoples' children.

    He still makes me smile. I still make him smile. We're still learning, and will be for a while, how to find joy without what we wanted so much.

    If you get stuck in a bad day, feel free to email - I've been there, too.


  4. This was so touching! I love that song! I never thought about in the context of my life right now though. It is so fitting!! Good Luck and keep smiling!

  5. Stopped by from Project IF and became a follower.

    Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful post.

  6. thanks for sharing. That is a great song. I will try to keep smiling.

  7. I married my hubby because of his love for children, and that's when my biological clock kicked in and I knew he'd be a wonderful dad. We are both "broken". We both feel guilty, and we both struggle. It's a one-day-at-a-time thing. I loved the lyrics. Thank you for sharing.