Never thought I would be here again....

Today has been a rough day. I'm not sure why, because we aren't "officially" trying or anything. I have a Dr's appointment set in February to get my annual exam done, and I'm hoping I convince the dr to maybe take a peek at my ovaries and see how bad they are (I am guessing bad). But I feel defeated today. I never thought I would be here again...this place...these feelings. The longing and the why me's. We went walking around a store today looking for something for L and seeing all the baby stuff was just kind painful. L is no longer a baby...he is growing more independent all the time. I love him to death, and he will always be my miracle baby...but I just want to experience it all one more time. I want to savor the pregnancy, and hold the next baby as much as I can stand.
I had a dream the other night that we had another little boy. And this is the first dream that I have had where I have two kids...it felt like confirmation to me that we will end up with 2 boys, but I just feel like....when? And the fact that I didn't respond to the Femara like I did last time, has me very worried that we will have to explore more invasive and EXPENSIVE avenues to add to our family. And that is not an option at this point.
I know I need to try to lose some weight...that is probably really the biggest culprit to the Femara not working.
I cannot even explain how DEVASTATED I am that I can see my Miracle Dr again...It's just been one blow after another. Those 7 years waiting for Landon were excruciating. But there came a point after I met Dr. J (LOL) that I kind of felt like we were on the path to getting that baby, it was just a matter of when. But right now I am feeling like everything is scattered. I hope that feeling goes away once we meet with the new Dr...find out we like her and set a plan up to get us there one more time.
I have just been a little thrown off by this secondary infertility journey. I just didn't think it would hurt as bad...and if I am being totally honest, I was convinced that taking the same protocol as before I would get pregnant in a month or two...and I feel kind of scared since it didn't happen.
Trying to have faith in God again...I feel strongly there is one more member of our family, but sometimes I wonder if I am wrong and Landon is it.
I have been debating on even recording this journey again...because I know those who are still suffering through getting the first baby maybe feel like it's not as hard...?? I maybe even felt that way myself at times. But I am being totally honest when I say I have been totally taken by surprise at the intensity of the feelings. But I know I am super blessed to be able to look into L's eyes and hug him and maybe have him take some of the hurt away.
Just like my previous journey, I am sorry to say I am not articulate. But I hope me blogging has given people some help, that you aren't alone. And having a baby doesn't cure infertility for everyone. And secondary infertility hurts too....