Sunday was a hard day...

We were sitting in Sunday School near a little baby probably around 4 months old or so. And the whole meeting I was just holding back tears. I was about to turn to DH and scream..."WE ARE TRYING AGAIN!" My arms just ache badly to hold my baby...I want so desperately to be a Mom...someday's its the all consuming thought, all day long. I don't want to be on break. I hate being on break. Why do I have to be on break????
I'm trying to keep myself out of the depression spiral, I have felt it lift a little over the past couple of weeks. So I don't want to do this to myself. Its hard.
I am just ready to be a Mom....

The Weather Matches My Mood...

Sour...you know one of those days (weeks...months...) where you want to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in behind you? That's me. Finding out people are pregnant...finding out people are having a life. Mine is done...stalled. And I'm asking myself, why am I still here? 6 and a half years of infertility...3 years of being stuck living with family...when does it end? Feels like all of my life is just an endless round of garbage.
Yeah. I probably need to get treated for depression. But I am SO sick of doctors...dentists...anything and everything to do with medical/health professionals I have given myself permission to take some time off.
But seriously. My life is at a stand still. At least when we were in our own place I had a home to be proud of. Something to call mine. Now its just living off the mercy of others. And no matter what I/we try to do, it doesn't get any better. The money situation doesn't change. The car situation doesn't change. The place we have to live doesn't change...
I'm getting so sick of it, that I just am ready to be done. If I'm not learning, changing, growing, progressing anyway, what's the point? Isn't that why I am here?
Life sucks. Period. End of story.

Infertile and LDS...and other things...

Just wanted to write about what it means to me to be infertile and be a member of the church I belong to. For those who don't know, our church is special, in that we believe that families can be eternal. We believe that through sacred ordinances performed here on earth, it binds us together as a family.


Because our church is unique, its hard to fit in if you don't fit in with the family persona. Honestly I feel damaged. I feel like I'm not good enough to sit with the ladies in our weekly church meeting together because I'm different somehow. I feel like my true potential is wasted. That what I was sent here to do, to fulfill, is never going to happen. I'm defective essentially.


I know in God's eyes He doesn't see me that way. I understand that. I have felt that. I know that He loves all His daughters whether they are mother's or not. BUT. That doesn't help with the feeling of alienation that comes along with not being able to fulfill the most fulfilling thing that would happen in this life...


I feel at times no matter what I do, my life will never have the meaning it COULD have had. It won't matter if I get some prestigious job, or I win the Noble Peace Prize. I will never, EVER, feel complete in this life. And that's a hard thing to live with day in and out. Some days I don't succeed. Probably a lot of days...I question what's the point?


I had this discussion with my WONDERFUL Dad last night which is why it has been on my mind. He asked me pointedly. Well what support are you expecting? It was hard to answer being asked so pointedly what I was expecting. But the answer came. FRIENDSHIP. As we talked about it though, I realized the one thing that I need, I probably will never get. Women have families....husbands and children needing to be taken care of. This takes up probably 90 percent of their life. And the rest is spent doing things for the church or doing things for themselves. I don't fit in there either. I want to have a friend that I can call up and chat too. I want a friend who will go have lunch with me. Who I see at least a few times a week. Who knows me...who I can do the GIRL things with...


And here she is...

There is the woman that would have fulfilled the role I'm longing for now....someone I know only from pictures and what others have told me. Really a stranger. But just like my baby...someone who left a hole in my heart.
So this post has taken on a life of its own. I'm not looking for sympathy, just telling it like it is. Its hard to be a part of my religion and try to fit in...but the reason I keep going back is because I need the relationship with God. I'm not sure what His purpose is in all this, maybe I will never know. All I can do is survive...just like everyone else...