Monday, September 13, 2010

Infertile and LDS...and other things...

Just wanted to write about what it means to me to be infertile and be a member of the church I belong to. For those who don't know, our church is special, in that we believe that families can be eternal. We believe that through sacred ordinances performed here on earth, it binds us together as a family.

Because our church is unique, its hard to fit in if you don't fit in with the family persona. Honestly I feel damaged. I feel like I'm not good enough to sit with the ladies in our weekly church meeting together because I'm different somehow. I feel like my true potential is wasted. That what I was sent here to do, to fulfill, is never going to happen. I'm defective essentially.

I know in God's eyes He doesn't see me that way. I understand that. I have felt that. I know that He loves all His daughters whether they are mother's or not. BUT. That doesn't help with the feeling of alienation that comes along with not being able to fulfill the most fulfilling thing that would happen in this life...

I feel at times no matter what I do, my life will never have the meaning it COULD have had. It won't matter if I get some prestigious job, or I win the Noble Peace Prize. I will never, EVER, feel complete in this life. And that's a hard thing to live with day in and out. Some days I don't succeed. Probably a lot of days...I question what's the point?

I had this discussion with my WONDERFUL Dad last night which is why it has been on my mind. He asked me pointedly. Well what support are you expecting? It was hard to answer being asked so pointedly what I was expecting. But the answer came. FRIENDSHIP. As we talked about it though, I realized the one thing that I need, I probably will never get. Women have families....husbands and children needing to be taken care of. This takes up probably 90 percent of their life. And the rest is spent doing things for the church or doing things for themselves. I don't fit in there either. I want to have a friend that I can call up and chat too. I want a friend who will go have lunch with me. Who I see at least a few times a week. Who knows me...who I can do the GIRL things with...

And here she is...

There is the woman that would have fulfilled the role I'm longing for now....someone I know only from pictures and what others have told me. Really a stranger. But just like my baby...someone who left a hole in my heart.
So this post has taken on a life of its own. I'm not looking for sympathy, just telling it like it is. Its hard to be a part of my religion and try to fit in...but the reason I keep going back is because I need the relationship with God. I'm not sure what His purpose is in all this, maybe I will never know. All I can do is survive...just like everyone else...

1 comment:

  1. God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.

    --Reinhold Niebuhr

    The only thing we can control is ourselves. The sooner we realize and accept that, the sooner we can work on improving what we can. If you think about it, worrying what those around us may think of us is rather silly since mostly people are worried about what people think of them. Unfortunately, people are pretty self-centered in general.

    Trust in the goodness of those around you. You are a beautiful and worthwhile person, mother or not. I'll keep you in my prayers that you will find peace and fulfillment. Much love.