Sunday, March 13, 2011

Being Human...

Is rough. Now let me preface this by saying this is not directed at any one person. It's about being human and how we really can't control, try as we might, to control how we feel. Something that is seriously getting on my nerves lately is the green monster of jealousy. I don't know if I was just born with an extra dose of it or what, and no matter how I try to tame that monster, it often rears its ugly head. Specifically when it comes to pregnancy announcements. No matter who, what, when, why, or how, this is the most irrational time that it pops up. I will sit there after the announcement is made and talk to myself about how it's okay, and that I don't mind. But inevitably I will eventually feel the monster take over.
I feel like this makes me a horrible person. I know it doesn't but this is the real reason that I haven't been to any baby showers. This is why I hide out from the world at times. Sometimes I wish that I could turn my brain off. But no matter what....this monster just keeps up it's annoying presence.
I send kudos to those infertile women who are MUCH stronger then I at pushing these thoughts aside. I hope someday down the road I find this monster tamed. But for now I will just keep trying to tame the beast.
Today I am extremely grateful for my husband. He is my rock. He is my buddy....and he doesn't judge me for feeling a certain way because he sees how hard I try. He truly is the most precious gift I have been given in this life. I can't wait for our first vacation together in 5 years!! It will be several days of so much fun, followed by passing our 7 year milestone of TTC, followed by our first cycle back at treatments. It will be a busy time coming up. :)


  1. I had this problem a lot when we were trying to become pregnant. I thought I left them behind when we started the adoption process but it was different. The first year on the list I was so excited and couldn't wait to get picked. After that year I started being jealous of those that were picked that hadn't been on the list so long. The problem was I still hated hearing pregnancy announcements or just knowing that someone was getting married annoyed me. I was starting to count down to when they would try for a child. This is something I still struggle with and I think some people just are better at it. I really wish I was.

  2. Tami,

    You are completely normal. Everyone deals with this emotion, and if somebody said they didn't I would know they were lying.

    We all handle it in different ways, and its something that everyone has to work on. It never goes away, but you learn as the years go by to tame the little green monster or at least keep him at a dull roar.

    So happy that you're finally getting your dream vacation. Praying you have a wonderful time.

  3. I identify with this so much. That feeling has never gone away in 7 years. Even now, I still feel it... not only with pregnancy announcements, but when babies are born too. I wonder if it ever goes away. I don't think it will. :-/ I still avoid all baby showers. I can't stand them and I will never look at them as anything except painful.

  4. I am so glad to know that I am not alone. I have had several people (including family) make me feel bad for not going to baby showers. But that is one of the small things in my life that I can avoid to save myself a little pain. I am happy for people...especially those that have struggled to make their dreams come true. But it's frustrating that the monster overpowers the happiness by a million!!
    Thank you all don't realize how much it means to me to feel some people understand!! :)

  5. I'm sorry more than one way. The way you feel is normal though. I know what you're thinking, how do you know?? Well, I always felt jealous AND STILL feel jealous when I hear of pregnant women, especially when I know they got pregnant so easily or by accident. I'm sorry!

  6. I totally can relate to this obviously! My SIL just told me she was prego and told me that they have been trying for 3 long hard months. Really!? My green monster reared it's ugly head and I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 7 months especially since they are going to Disneyland with us. It's almost too hard of a burden for me to bear right now!
    Since Chris has had the opportunity to adopt Libbie in less then 2 weeks we feel a little redemption but the pain of infertility is still there. Anyways, I don't think the pain EVER goes away but you learn to choke down the news and move on.