As I come up on my 7th year of trying to have a baby, there are a lot of feelings. Some good, most not. So here they are.
*FEAR. Fear that this will never happen, fear that we are throwing money down the toilet, because it doesn't matter what we try. My body just can't do the pregnancy thing.
*FEAR. That we will NEVER be parents. Even seeking alternative routes.
*FEAR. That we will never be able to TRY anything other then what we are doing now because of money problems.
*MISUNDERSTOOD. I'm sorry. But you CANNOT understand unless you have been an Infertile for awhile. One round of a certain drug, and BAM you are pregnant...don't tell me you understand.
*GUILT. I feel guilt because I know that its my body that is the problem. I often wonder if I am keeping my hubby from a better life...with lots of kids, and a wife with less problems.
*SAD. Why floats around my mind all the time. Why do I have PCOS, when no one in my immediate family does? Why do I try SO hard, just to get the same results...
*ANGRY. I always come back to the same thing, that everything in my life has been hard. Nothing has come easy, and everything somewhat decent that has happened, I have had to work HARD for. And most the time its eventually ripped away anyway.
*ALONE. No one can console me. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. I have a couple of people in my life that can soothe things for me...but the hole in my heart never leaves.
*BETRAYED. By my body...by the "CIRCLE OF LIFE" thing that is just supposed to happen...but doesn't. By numerous people I thought were "friends"...
*ROBBED. Of the life I COULD be having right now...robbed of the ability to trust people, since I have been used and emotionally abused by many of them...
This list could go on forever...but I will end the negatives here.
*HOPE. I have great hopes that this will still happen for me. I have had positive results with the drugs I have been on, so we just need that egg and sperm to meet one more time!!!
*HAPPINESS. I have moments of happiness with my husband. I have had 7 WONDERFUL years of getting to know him. Getting to a wonderful place in our marriage. Learning how to live with each other, and stay in love. Especially knowing that our marriage is a SOLID place for our baby to come to.
*ANTICIPATION. Because I know when that baby comes, it will be the most loved baby.
*MATURITY. Had I been a mom in my early 20s, I know I wouldn't be the same mom as I will be now.
*PEACE. That I am still trying. That I am doing my part. And that if I keep doing this, I will have no regrets even if it doesn't happen. I tried, and I think that will count for something in the end.
*GRATITUDE. For the things I do have. Health insurance that covers pretty much everything of our current treatments. A wonderful husband, and Dad who love and support me. 2 wonderful cats that love me.
I hope 7 is a lucky number for me! Here's hoping!!!
I totally remember hitting that 7 year anniversary and hatting it. I hated that everyone's life seemed to be moving forward and I was stuck in the same place. There wasn't any improvement. At 7 years I had had 2 miscarriages, 7 iui, 1 attempted ivf but discontinued, 2 failed placements, and 1 chosen and then unchosen, because they liked someone better, birthmom.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't believe in the journey that I was on. It was like shock that my life had led this way. I had PCOS and hated that I couldn't give my husband a child.
The miracle is that on Nov 1, 2010 was our lucky 7. Twenty-three days later our lives changed by a phone call from our caseworker. Three weeks later we met Evan's birthmom. Two weeks later he came and I didn't believe it was happening until I got a picture text of Evan, saying, "Here is your baby boy and he is beautiful." That is how we named him Evan, it means "God is good." We were so blessed when we didn't think it was ever coming. We literally were picked up from the ground of hurt from the Lord and given new life. I will never not believe in miracles again. I went from all hope was gone/lost to healing. Infertility will never go away completely, but the heartache does. Hold on to that thought. Someday the heartache is healed in a way you can't imagine yet.
Seven was our lucky number. Our seventh IUI in our seventh year of TTC. I hope seven is your lucky number too. I think at some point, we had been trying so long, it became unbelievable as the years just kept ticking by. It is true, no one knows what it’s like to long-term TTC unless they’ve been there. But, as the commenter above mentioned, sometimes the ending comes very fast and sudden. I pray that your happy ending comes quickly.
ReplyDeleteI have started calling you 2 my cheerleaders...because you are! Every comment you make has just helped me SO much. So thank you my cheerleaders! :)
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