I realized today while my brain is going a mile a minute that I am numb to a lot of things. I used to just CRY when I would hear people are pregnant. My reaction now? "Figures". That's right. I am numb. I don't feel that whiplash across my heart anymore when I hear someone is pregnant. Phase? Maybe. It kind of stinks to have all this armor around my heart. But, its the only way I figured out to protect myself.
Its so interesting to me how people forget how much a miscarriage hurts. I feel like people just want to ignore the fact that I lost a child. That still to this day that pain and hurt is right there in my heart. It has only faded a little. Maybe its because they have never experienced it? Maybe its because they don't know what to say? Maybe its because they think that I should have gotten over it, I mean it was only the most blissful, happy, joyful, life changing 9 weeks of my life! Why am I NOT OVER IT???
I have to try to be numb towards these things though. The pain is to real to just add another whiplash to my heart. People disappoint you. I have disappointed people. I have hurt people's feelings. But I KNOW this experience has made me realize that compassion is probably the greatest thing to give someone. I hope I never forget that. Even if someday I get my dream of having my own baby. I hope I never forget to show compassion to those around me.
And I hope I also don't get SO wrapped up in my baby/husband/little family that I forget there are other's out there who need me to reach out to them. God didn't put me through this trying experience just to totally forget it when I finally have my baby in my arms. I know He did it for me to understand many people, and understand their suffering. I have already seen this purpose in play.
This post is all over the place. I often wish I could write like so many wonderful blog writers I know. They just write how they feel so eloquently. I sound like an insane person...and that kind of makes sense! Hahaha.