I realized today while my brain is going a mile a minute that I am numb to a lot of things. I used to just CRY when I would hear people are pregnant. My reaction now? "Figures". That's right. I am numb. I don't feel that whiplash across my heart anymore when I hear someone is pregnant. Phase? Maybe. It kind of stinks to have all this armor around my heart. But, its the only way I figured out to protect myself.
Its so interesting to me how people forget how much a miscarriage hurts. I feel like people just want to ignore the fact that I lost a child. That still to this day that pain and hurt is right there in my heart. It has only faded a little. Maybe its because they have never experienced it? Maybe its because they don't know what to say? Maybe its because they think that I should have gotten over it, I mean it was only the most blissful, happy, joyful, life changing 9 weeks of my life! Why am I NOT OVER IT???
I have to try to be numb towards these things though. The pain is to real to just add another whiplash to my heart. People disappoint you. I have disappointed people. I have hurt people's feelings. But I KNOW this experience has made me realize that compassion is probably the greatest thing to give someone. I hope I never forget that. Even if someday I get my dream of having my own baby. I hope I never forget to show compassion to those around me.
And I hope I also don't get SO wrapped up in my baby/husband/little family that I forget there are other's out there who need me to reach out to them. God didn't put me through this trying experience just to totally forget it when I finally have my baby in my arms. I know He did it for me to understand many people, and understand their suffering. I have already seen this purpose in play.
This post is all over the place. I often wish I could write like so many wonderful blog writers I know. They just write how they feel so eloquently. I sound like an insane person...and that kind of makes sense! Hahaha.
Tami,
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you're coming from. Numbness has become one of my many coping mechanisms. I do think a good side effect of this pain is that we are more compassionate towards people who carry long-term grief.
I love to read your writing. You express your feelings so well. Don't compare your writing to others. You have a unique story to tell, and blogging is all about your story and how you choose to tell it. Keep it up!
I agree with Vicki, you express yourself very well!
ReplyDeleteWomen are particularly vulnerable, and by putting that armour over their heart it protects them and keeps them strong while they take the time to heal. Being "numb" doesn't mean you don't care, you do.. but right now there's more going on behind the scenes :)
Hi. My name is Lindsey. I found you on Nicole Rick's blog. I too have PCOS and it took my husband and I 6 years to get pregnant. We had a miscarriage as well-- the first year of our marriage.
ReplyDeleteThankfully we have children now-due to intense fertility treatment...
but I just wanted to lend a hand of support if you need or want it.
It was so nice for me-to be able to talk to someone who understood ME and what I was going through.
You can email me at lindseyjamesunderscore21athotmaildotcom or you can find my blog at lindseyandjohn.blogspot.com
I just found your blog and can totally relate to people thinking you should be over the pain. I couldn't stand that someone would talk about it like the baby wasn't a real baby even though it was 8 wks. To me I had been trying for so long that it was real and painful to be minimized. Hang in there. PCOS sucks big time.
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