Just call me Mrs. Grinch...

I know these are going to be the hardest holiday's emotionally that I have ever faced. I feel myself being sucked down by depression, and I am trying with all my might to claw myself out of it. This Christmas probably would have been the second greatest of all time for me. We would have gotten baby items as gifts. There would have been a lot of anticipation as the baby would have been due only a dozen or so weeks from now. Next Christmas would have been the best finally having my little family together. I keep trying to console myself by saying that its still a possibility for next Christmas. But, I miss my baby, and really how do you console yourself?

I know my spirit is not in good shape either. I think spiritually there are some unanswered questions about why I have been tested in this way. After waiting for so long be given a glimpse of what my life should be/could be just to have it ripped from me after only 9 weeks...its not that I am angry at God so much, but more of a "why?". I know its my limited view and if I could see Eternity His purposes would be clear blah blah blah. That doesn't help me right now when my arms ache for my baby...I try to remember that at least He understands how very real this pain is. How constant, how empty my life feels. I have to think that way...

So, as you can tell the title suits this post completely right? Have I gotten you all depressed?? Geez...Sorry for the downer on your holiday season, but I hope that it reminds some people that its easy to get caught up with our own families, our own shopping, our own happiness, that we forget to look around us to see that others are lonely, and sad this Christmas.

I am thankful for the blessings I do have though, especially my husband. Sometimes him and my cats are the only things that keep me going. So there are blessings even for those that aren't able to have the life we wish for.

The prayer in my heart this holiday season is that I don't have much longer to wait for my miracle. That my turn to have my dream come true, my prayer answered is not too far away....