Just a little rant...

I HATE the word prego, preggers, etc. So what, you are a brand of spaghetti sauce? If I ever do become pregnant, this is one trend I will not follow. I'm sorry but it makes me think of uneducated, barefoot, pregnant women...all of this is just my opinion of course...but it really does bother me...

Why not me....

Sometimes I feel Facebook is a curse and a blessing. I love being in contact with old friends, new friends, family. But inevitably people like to announce the BIG announcement. You know the one I mean. Such a thing happened tonight, on Christmas night. Some old friends from college announced they are expecting.
While I am so happy and grateful that they don't have to face the sad and hurtful road of infertility, I just can't help but question, why not me? Why was I chosen (if you believe in that stuff) to face this sorrowful path of uncertainty? Why can't this one thing just work out for me?
I tell Nate, I'm really happy for them, but also inevitably, the tears and mini breakdown comes. I started to wonder, if people would ever imagine when they posted a status like that, that someone would go through a breakdown. I really doubt it. And I'm not saying they shouldn't post that stuff. If it was me, I probably would do the same thing. But it just goes to show that we never really know what kind of effect our words have on people.
I'm still in a depressed funk. Its been a hard month for me. I'm glad Christmas is over. But as my next Dr's appointment is coming in just a couple of weeks, there is this rock sitting in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why...maybe nerves about being close to the surgery? I really don't know.
So far no symptoms of the big O. Things have been pretty quiet on that front. But I really think I have to face the fact that this isn't going to happen for me unassisted. And even that is a long shot. Sometimes I feel that I have recieved the answer (many times) that it just isn't going to happen for us. But it could be fear, and I have to have the peace of mind that I tried everything I could.
Christmas was great. Its such a short time though. The day always flies by and sometimes I wonder why we put so much emphasis on it. Besides celebrating the birth of the Savior, the rest of it is so unimportant. And I truly believe the TRUE meaning of the season is lost amid all the other things going on.
Well, I think I will go cry some more and wallow in some self pity. Maybe self medicate with some chocolate. Maybe not....

Here it comes...

Christmas. New Year's. Time to think about the last year, and wonder what will be in store for next year. First on the list? A doctor's appointment in the New Year. Which will either result in scheduling a surgery, or switching Dr's. I'm hoping 2010 brings some good things to our lives though.
I am hoping for a change in finances somehow. I am hoping for maybe a positive pregnancy test sometime in the next year. I am hoping for our own home somehow. I am hoping for wonderful happy times with my husband. I am hoping for a few fun vacations, maybe a special one out to California (hopefully with hubby). I am hoping for unexpected surprises that are sure to come.
One of the biggest hopes though is to qualify for Pell Grants so we can both go back to school. But mostly Hubby getting to school for sure by summer semester.
Life can be good. Life can be hard. I just have to survive and do the best I can. Right now my motto is "One day at a time." So far, its been hard to have that mentality. But I think with all that is in store for us next year, I will need to have that outlook.

Merry Christmas. :)

The truth about tears...

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

--Washington Irving

'Twas a few days before Christmas...

...and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.

The stockings are absent, not hung with care, 'cuz Santa doesn't visit when no children live there.

The cats were all snug in their little pet beds, visions of pouncing dancing in their heads.

And us in our PJ's, not a matching set, had settled in for Lost reruns watched on the net.

When out in the store's, there is such a clatter. That sometimes we forget that we even matter.

Away in a window people are having a bash, maybe even later we'll take out the trash.

The moon glows outside on the new fallen snow, clean and untouched by children's hands below.

When all of the sudden depression creeps in, and makes you just realize what could have been.

With a little old sob and a big old kick, you aren't sure this is the life you would have picked.

No children to shriek with gleeful delight, no children to quiet on Christmas Eve night.
And laying 3 presents under our tree, I can't help but ask the question why me?

Tears spring to my eyes, but I remember the reason, the true reason for this wintery season.

So I heard myself exclaim as I turned out the light, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight."

--Written by me, adapted from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore

I have the best husband, and here is why...

The biggest reason would have to be, I know he loves me unconditionally. Sadly there are husbands out there who will leave their wives after they find out they can't give them a family. Some don't leave but divorce themselves in every way from their wives. I am blessed to have such a wonderful, caring husband. He has only been positive, and has held my hand even when I know for a fact I have been totally unlovable.
Being childless brings a sorrow though, even for the strongest. It has taken a toll on our marriage, and I hope and pray that we are strong enough to keep loving each other more every single day.
With my husband I don't feel like I have to explain things. Sometimes I just cry and he just holds me. Sometimes I get angry and he lets me vent. He's the only one who gets me. And I feel so lucky.
I have been down in the dumps this week, and feeling kind of sickly. I can't tell if its just the depression that has me down or if I have some type of flu...but I'm getting sick of feeling like I'm going to throw up. I have a doctor's appointment in a few weeks. More blood tests to make sure the medicine is working, gotta have my left ovary checked on again to make sure its not doubled in size anymore, and talking more about the laporscopy surgery. Then I get to call our insurance, get the pre-approval, schedule and have the surgery. Then come the fun pills! (Totally full of sarcasm). But honestly its getting hard for me not to feel hopeful about maybe being pregnant by next Christmas, but honestly I could be setting myself up for a big disappointment. I need to talk to my Dr though about his suggestions of finding out if I'm ovulating on my own. Last months 'monthly' would leave me to believe I could be...but I would need more tests to know for sure. For now though, I will find joy this weekend in being with my nieces. Should be a fun, tiring but fun, weekend.

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles."

Charlie Chaplin said this quote, I heard it the other day on a T.V. show. Its a nice idea, but unfortuneatly, not compeletly true. Being childless can be a permanent thing in this world. Some of us will go on to have children. But there are many of us who will never be given that beautiful experience. And even those of us who have one child, may still face the road yet again of infertility...
As someone who has woken up every morning for over 5 years (dawning swiftly on 6) with a cloud looming over them, I can tell you this trouble is my constant companion. Sure, there are sometimes I dig through the closet in my mind, find a nice, dark, dusty shelf and place Childlessness on it. I slam the door, bolt it shut with several HUNDRED bolts, maybe even put some DANGER! ENTER AT OWN RISK! Bright yellow tape across the door. And I pretend like I have just "gotten over" this trouble like many people think I should. I convince myself I love my life. That everything is wonderful and great.
...Then I wake up one morning and wonder why I'm soaking wet...and then I realize its POURING. The grief hits with such intense pain, I wonder why I put it in that stupid closet anyway. I was better off just realizing the cloud was there, and dealing. And this cycle continues...
Someday I hope the grief and pain subsides, even just a little. I hope there are times where I can just relax and enjoy life. But so far I'm not in that place right now. My troubles seem permanent right now, though I hope someday I can find out Charlie Chaplain was right...that "nothing is permanent in this wicked world...."

I'll have many blue Christmas's without you...

The Christmas blues. They come every year, and turn us into big Grinch's. This holiday is SO focused on children, how could we not hurt? How could we not wish it was our own children's squeal of delight we heard on Christmas morning? Instead most of us sleep in, wake up sometime in the late morning, make some breakfast, and shed a few tears. We eventually make our way to some presents, bought for us by the one person on this sad journey with us.
Christmas really is a hard time of year for those of us without children. It brings into focus the past year, full of failure and loneliness. And we look at another year of the same thing. Sure, its easy to try to feel some hope, "maybe next year will be different" we tell ourselves. But next December will roll around and it will be the same thing again. Especially for those of us who are out of the running for having our own children.
This time of year makes it so we can no longer hide and bury our feelings. This year I have heard some stories of friend's husbands who are seriously grieving being childless. After years of coping, and being strong for their wives, these husbands can no longer keep pushing their feelings down. My heart goes out to these dear women. And I can't help but wonder if I will be walking in their shoes in 10 or 15 years. I love my husband dearly but it can be said of him that he is strong for me. I don't know what I would do without him, I take advantage of his strength. But I worry about his emotional health. I worry that his grief will slap him right in the face someday down the road.
If you are reading this and know someone who is childless this Christmas. Give them extra hugs, extra time, extra understanding. Its a hard time of year. All you have to say is "I love you, and I think about you, and pray for you."
I'll have a blue Christmas, that's certain...