Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles."

Charlie Chaplin said this quote, I heard it the other day on a T.V. show. Its a nice idea, but unfortuneatly, not compeletly true. Being childless can be a permanent thing in this world. Some of us will go on to have children. But there are many of us who will never be given that beautiful experience. And even those of us who have one child, may still face the road yet again of infertility...
As someone who has woken up every morning for over 5 years (dawning swiftly on 6) with a cloud looming over them, I can tell you this trouble is my constant companion. Sure, there are sometimes I dig through the closet in my mind, find a nice, dark, dusty shelf and place Childlessness on it. I slam the door, bolt it shut with several HUNDRED bolts, maybe even put some DANGER! ENTER AT OWN RISK! Bright yellow tape across the door. And I pretend like I have just "gotten over" this trouble like many people think I should. I convince myself I love my life. That everything is wonderful and great.
...Then I wake up one morning and wonder why I'm soaking wet...and then I realize its POURING. The grief hits with such intense pain, I wonder why I put it in that stupid closet anyway. I was better off just realizing the cloud was there, and dealing. And this cycle continues...
Someday I hope the grief and pain subsides, even just a little. I hope there are times where I can just relax and enjoy life. But so far I'm not in that place right now. My troubles seem permanent right now, though I hope someday I can find out Charlie Chaplain was right...that "nothing is permanent in this wicked world...."

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