Friday, December 25, 2009

Why not me....

Sometimes I feel Facebook is a curse and a blessing. I love being in contact with old friends, new friends, family. But inevitably people like to announce the BIG announcement. You know the one I mean. Such a thing happened tonight, on Christmas night. Some old friends from college announced they are expecting.
While I am so happy and grateful that they don't have to face the sad and hurtful road of infertility, I just can't help but question, why not me? Why was I chosen (if you believe in that stuff) to face this sorrowful path of uncertainty? Why can't this one thing just work out for me?
I tell Nate, I'm really happy for them, but also inevitably, the tears and mini breakdown comes. I started to wonder, if people would ever imagine when they posted a status like that, that someone would go through a breakdown. I really doubt it. And I'm not saying they shouldn't post that stuff. If it was me, I probably would do the same thing. But it just goes to show that we never really know what kind of effect our words have on people.
I'm still in a depressed funk. Its been a hard month for me. I'm glad Christmas is over. But as my next Dr's appointment is coming in just a couple of weeks, there is this rock sitting in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why...maybe nerves about being close to the surgery? I really don't know.
So far no symptoms of the big O. Things have been pretty quiet on that front. But I really think I have to face the fact that this isn't going to happen for me unassisted. And even that is a long shot. Sometimes I feel that I have recieved the answer (many times) that it just isn't going to happen for us. But it could be fear, and I have to have the peace of mind that I tried everything I could.
Christmas was great. Its such a short time though. The day always flies by and sometimes I wonder why we put so much emphasis on it. Besides celebrating the birth of the Savior, the rest of it is so unimportant. And I truly believe the TRUE meaning of the season is lost amid all the other things going on.
Well, I think I will go cry some more and wallow in some self pity. Maybe self medicate with some chocolate. Maybe not....

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tami... for some reason I felt the need today to come visit your blog today. I think about you more often that you know. I really don't know whether it's appropriate that I should comment here... but I really wanted to let you know that I care about you and what you are going through. I'm sure you can imagine the joy with which I made my announcment on Christmas - of course I couldn't hold it in. But that joy truly was a little overshadowed by the fact that I knew I would be causing others pain. I was very much aware of you and of a couple other people I know who are struggling with infertility. When I posted my good news I said a little prayer in my heart for you and others, that you would be able to have the same blessing soon. I do not take my pregnancy for granted. I am SO sorry for the pain you are going through, especially the small part that I have played in it. You are in my prayers!!