The year is dying in the night...

This has been a very hard year for me. I was thinking back over the year, and honestly after July it all became a blur. I can't even really remember the end of Summer, Fall or even when it turned cold. Its all just a blur of pain, sorrow, and grief.
Right now I feel kind of lost. After trying another round of Femara in November, and having it be negative, for some reason I feel beat. I feel no desire to even try anymore. And that is strange for me. So right now, everything just seems to be suspended. I have no clue what the next year will bring, and as of right now, it doesn't include any IF treatments. It might at some point, but I feel I need to separate myself from it.
I have been thinking a lot lately how not having children, ISN'T the end of the world. I want them desperately. But I have a wonderful Husband, and I know if we try, we could have an interesting and fullish life without them. I hate thinking that way, but coming up on 7 years of waiting, I am tired of waiting. I don't know, I think I just need time to recover in every way, and then I will be ready to face the IF world again.
So the plan is we are not doing any IF treatments until probably June of 2011. Then we will reevaluate. I want to try to drop as close to 50 pounds as I can by then (hahaha), but I will try my hardest to get there. We are also planning to run a 5K in May. So hopefully there will be happiness, good memories, and laughter next year. I not even asking for a baby next year. Just not the cloud hanging over me anymore. Having a fun year with DH and being able to accomplish some other goals besides TTC.
So Happy New Year, and may 2011 be the best year yet! :)

Merry Christmas and 2011!

I have just wanted this year to end. For some reason I think it will leave the grief of losing our baby in the past. Probably not true, but the new year is always refreshing for me. One reason for this is we are going to buckle down and start training hard for our 5K in May. I have gained somewhere around 5 pounds and about 1 inch on every measurement I take. Oi. NOT good for PCOS. I am almost positive it has messed my LH up greatly, so I'm not even sure this cycle is even going to be a complete one.
DH and I are at odds about where to go from here. I am DESPERATE to be pg, and for me that means bypassing reason. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, he is right that we need some time off. But I don't care! I want that baby in my arms like yesterday! But he is right, and I am really trying to give in to reason, but its hard. I do really want to lose weight. I know that it has helped with LH so I have to assume if I lose more, I will be sitting pretty. Ideally I would like to lose about 50 more pounds. So I'm thinking if we try hard we could be there about summer or end of summer. Maybe not though, PCOS is a fickle little disease. Sometimes it releases its grip sometimes it won't. But I know that I would be happier at that weight, I would be able to do more things and I would have a healthier pregnancy. And I want to have a cute little round belly, and at this point I don't see that happening with my gigantic stomach.
Anyways, I have several goals set aside for 2011, and I am hoping to met all of them. They aren't anything major. But they will be important things to me!
Anyways, Merry Christmas to all my blog readers, and a Happy New Year. I hope that truly all your wishes come true!!! :)

For My Baby...

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

~ by Wanda Bencke

Turning Point

Yesterday and today have been a turning point for me. I don't even know if I can totally explain everything that has happened. Some of it is so personal that it would never make sense to anyone but me. Some if it is SO odd, that it still wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. But I will try to explain a little.
I have come to the realization that my biggest problem with Infertility is I want to carry it all on my own. I want to shoulder the burden and shut off those around me trying to help me carry all the things that come with it. And that is a stupid, stupid move. I thought to myself yesterday about how is this working for you? Seems like its working real well! (Enter rolling eyes here) You are sad and mopey. You don't love and dote on your husband. Your cats have been neglected, oh and have you seen the state of your house today?? So as you can tell, it is not working. Not in any sense of the word.
I feel out of balance. In every way possible. Physically, all of my hard work from earlier this year is gone. I have gone back to eating all of the ridiculous food I was eating before. I have gained around 5 pounds in a matter of a month. I have cried, and cried and cried. So mentally I am out of balance. And Spiritually, I am non-existent. I have this stupid idea that when things get hard, to just shut the spiritual side of my life off. I have no idea why, because this starts the being out of balance. So I have set goals. I set them last night, and so far today has been a failure. But I did one thing good today, I took a walk out in the sun. You might wonder why this is so significant. Well, it is because I don't do that. I don't leave my house usually unless I am with my hubby or have plans. I decided I needed some time in the sun, so I took a much needed walk with a friend. And it helped brighten the rest of my day.
And I know tomorrow will better. I will make another change that will be great and good for me. I have figured out that I am letting infertility have too much control in my life, and I no longer want it to have that kind of power of me. So I will make the changes. I will pick up my scriptures, I will attend church, I will pray for help. I will ask my Savior to help me shoulder this burden, and I will wait and be patient while He works to do that. I will love and appreciate my husband. Infertility will always be there. I will still be working on my goal of being a Mom. But starting today my goal is to not let it control my life. Not let it dictate who I will become.

Where, when my aching grows,
where, when I languish, where, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.
~Where Can I Turn for Peace, LDS Hymn #129 (vs. 3&4)

Who am I?

I swear I have wrtiten about this before, so sorry if it seems to be a repeat post. I have been thinking about myself lately...who I am, what I am...and I really had to look closely to see I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. I am like a hollow shell of the person I used to be. So much grief, so much sorrow, so much anger and jealousy. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I miss the happy go lucky girl that used to LOVE Christmas, who used to LOVE Summer, who used to be happy with simple things. Now it just seems like that person is gone, and been replaced with someone so dark and sad all the time. I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to. I cry more then I used to.
So I don't know. I have some things to figure out and think about. I have been really thinking lately about seeing a psycholigist, so I might pursue that after the Holiday's if this still lingers. But something has got to give, I can't keep living like this...
This cycle we aren't doing anything. We decided it would just be to stressful since everything would fall around Christmas. I just didn't want to deal with it all. I am not really sure where we are headed though. I don't feel good about going forward but we can't afford IVF or Adoption at this point. Hopefully things will be clearer after some time to think about it all.

First Failed Cycle...

since our miscarriage, and I find myself on the edge. I don't know why, but for me there just seems to be a fork in the road. People will say, "you have so much more to try!" Yes its true we haven't tried IVF, or injectible drugs either. But financially right now those options aren't even available to us. And I just have to wonder if its just not meant to be. If we timed everything perfectly, and I know we did with this cycle, why didn't it work? Is it some cosmic sign that we are not destined to be parents, at least with a baby that has our DNA?
I built it up in my mind that we would get pregnant again. That this cycle would work because it was the same recipe as last time, and I had worked hard and was down 40 pounds! Haven't I proved that I am serious about wanting a baby? Was my hard work in vain? It really sure does seem that way.
We are nearing 7 years of waiting for our miracle, and I don't see it coming. I see us being destined to live out a childless life. Its horrible that money is always what stands in our way. If we could afford it, I would be starting the adoption process as we speak. But sadly we can't pay for a baby. If I could I would be trying something else...
So, at this point I really don't know what lies ahead. I am tired in every way possible. I am drained of any courage and strength to go forward. I feel defeated. I am almost feeling its time to give up on this dream and to move forward somehow...I guess we will see what happens in the coming weeks...

Roller Coaster...

There is no better way to explain my life the past week. One minute I am confident and on the top of the hill on the roller coaster, the next I'm in the deepest part of the valley ready to throw in the towel and say its too hard.
I knew it would be hard getting back into the TTC game. But, this first cycle has been more hard then I remember any of my others being. I know its because its the first cycle we have tried since we lost the baby, and that right there brings a lot of other emotions in to play. And you add those to the hormones already pumping through my body, and it is NOT a good combination!
Nate told me he is sick of this cycle because I am driving him nuts. Well, I do understand that, but if he is nuts by the little contact he has with me, he should think about me having to live with my brain 24/7!!!
I just for some reason hope and pray that I am pregnant before my due date rolls around. But I know that is asking a lot. I was talking to my Dad about my Mom last night and just asking about her history. She had at least 2 miscarriages, 1 still birth and 1 unwanted abortion. My Dad said it took her at least a year to get pregnant again after her miscarriages. So that popped my bubble a little. But I also talked more with him about my little sister Amanda's still birth. And it really touched me, because I now can understand how hard that must have been for my mom. And her having to choose to abort the other baby who they named Elizabeth. You bond with the baby so fast as soon as you know they exist. I read somewhere, I can't remember where, about how the divine nature of a woman is to nurture, protect, and love. And as soon as she knows that baby is growing inside her she becomes all those things to it. And I believe it. I remember just being in awe of this little life growing inside me and begging it and my Heavenly Father to let it stay with us. I can't imagine being my mom and going through almost 9 months of having that little one grow inside me just for her to pass away.
I know there are many people out there praying for us, and I know that that is where I draw a lot of my strength and courage to keep trying. Right now these infertility treatments are our only option. So, we keep going with it. I just want to tell those who read my blog and constantly say loving, kind, encouraging words, that they are SO appreciated. I remember when I first started to realize, clear back 5 years ago or so, that there was going to be a problem with us getting pregnant. I wanted to hide it from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I was broken. But I have found a lot of healing since I have started opening up about my struggles. I have felt them become lighter through loving neighbors and friends. I have felt the happiness that comes from being able to help others, to sympathize with them. Even if its not the same exact trials. It has made my heart more able to see the suffering and sorrow so many carry with them.
So, back to the roller coaster I go! If you hear screaming, its just me! :)