Friday, December 31, 2010

The year is dying in the night...

This has been a very hard year for me. I was thinking back over the year, and honestly after July it all became a blur. I can't even really remember the end of Summer, Fall or even when it turned cold. Its all just a blur of pain, sorrow, and grief.
Right now I feel kind of lost. After trying another round of Femara in November, and having it be negative, for some reason I feel beat. I feel no desire to even try anymore. And that is strange for me. So right now, everything just seems to be suspended. I have no clue what the next year will bring, and as of right now, it doesn't include any IF treatments. It might at some point, but I feel I need to separate myself from it.
I have been thinking a lot lately how not having children, ISN'T the end of the world. I want them desperately. But I have a wonderful Husband, and I know if we try, we could have an interesting and fullish life without them. I hate thinking that way, but coming up on 7 years of waiting, I am tired of waiting. I don't know, I think I just need time to recover in every way, and then I will be ready to face the IF world again.
So the plan is we are not doing any IF treatments until probably June of 2011. Then we will reevaluate. I want to try to drop as close to 50 pounds as I can by then (hahaha), but I will try my hardest to get there. We are also planning to run a 5K in May. So hopefully there will be happiness, good memories, and laughter next year. I not even asking for a baby next year. Just not the cloud hanging over me anymore. Having a fun year with DH and being able to accomplish some other goals besides TTC.
So Happy New Year, and may 2011 be the best year yet! :)

1 comment:

  1. Tami,

    This post really resonated with me. My husband and I considered not having kids and took a whole year break before starting up the adoption process. We sat down and went over each option; more IF treatments, adoption, or living childfree. We took each one very seriously and wrote out pros and cons. It helped us feel like we were more in control over our reproductive life.

    We then moved forward to adoption and found a whole different sort of problems and heartache. Each option has it. You guys will know which direction to turn to. It is hard when you don't get answers right away.

    Good luck with your weight loss program. I have PCOS too and have been gaining the winter pounds. You can do it!