Yesterday and today have been a turning point for me. I don't even know if I can totally explain everything that has happened. Some of it is so personal that it would never make sense to anyone but me. Some if it is SO odd, that it still wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. But I will try to explain a little.
I have come to the realization that my biggest problem with Infertility is I want to carry it all on my own. I want to shoulder the burden and shut off those around me trying to help me carry all the things that come with it. And that is a stupid, stupid move. I thought to myself yesterday about how is this working for you? Seems like its working real well! (Enter rolling eyes here) You are sad and mopey. You don't love and dote on your husband. Your cats have been neglected, oh and have you seen the state of your house today?? So as you can tell, it is not working. Not in any sense of the word.
I feel out of balance. In every way possible. Physically, all of my hard work from earlier this year is gone. I have gone back to eating all of the ridiculous food I was eating before. I have gained around 5 pounds in a matter of a month. I have cried, and cried and cried. So mentally I am out of balance. And Spiritually, I am non-existent. I have this stupid idea that when things get hard, to just shut the spiritual side of my life off. I have no idea why, because this starts the being out of balance. So I have set goals. I set them last night, and so far today has been a failure. But I did one thing good today, I took a walk out in the sun. You might wonder why this is so significant. Well, it is because I don't do that. I don't leave my house usually unless I am with my hubby or have plans. I decided I needed some time in the sun, so I took a much needed walk with a friend. And it helped brighten the rest of my day.
And I know tomorrow will better. I will make another change that will be great and good for me. I have figured out that I am letting infertility have too much control in my life, and I no longer want it to have that kind of power of me. So I will make the changes. I will pick up my scriptures, I will attend church, I will pray for help. I will ask my Savior to help me shoulder this burden, and I will wait and be patient while He works to do that. I will love and appreciate my husband. Infertility will always be there. I will still be working on my goal of being a Mom. But starting today my goal is to not let it control my life. Not let it dictate who I will become.
Where, when my aching grows,
where, when I languish, where, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.
~Where Can I Turn for Peace, LDS Hymn #129 (vs. 3&4)