since our miscarriage, and I find myself on the edge. I don't know why, but for me there just seems to be a fork in the road. People will say, "you have so much more to try!" Yes its true we haven't tried IVF, or injectible drugs either. But financially right now those options aren't even available to us. And I just have to wonder if its just not meant to be. If we timed everything perfectly, and I know we did with this cycle, why didn't it work? Is it some cosmic sign that we are not destined to be parents, at least with a baby that has our DNA?
I built it up in my mind that we would get pregnant again. That this cycle would work because it was the same recipe as last time, and I had worked hard and was down 40 pounds! Haven't I proved that I am serious about wanting a baby? Was my hard work in vain? It really sure does seem that way.
We are nearing 7 years of waiting for our miracle, and I don't see it coming. I see us being destined to live out a childless life. Its horrible that money is always what stands in our way. If we could afford it, I would be starting the adoption process as we speak. But sadly we can't pay for a baby. If I could I would be trying something else...
So, at this point I really don't know what lies ahead. I am tired in every way possible. I am drained of any courage and strength to go forward. I feel defeated. I am almost feeling its time to give up on this dream and to move forward somehow...I guess we will see what happens in the coming weeks...
Sometimes, I think, the worst advice someone could give is the good stuff that we need to hear (not because it's not good advice and not cause I'm not thankful for it but because sometimes it just hard to hear it and I'm not ready mentally ready to hear it at the moment.) We don't want to hear that we still have a chance... that it will happen someday because after waiting so long tomorrow never seems to come... to those who have no choice but to wait or "be patient". However, I'm about to say what I hate hearing people say to me these days... Don't give up Tami! Statistically IUIs don't usually work the first several times... so don't stop trying. Maybe the blessing in you getting pregnant the first time the last time you tried is because Heavenly Father knew how hard it would be for you. Maybe he didn't want you to try so many times only to lose it. (try so many times with the IUI) I know I know there is so much more to it then that and that thought might be a long shot and really how could any of that be a blessing, losing a baby will never seem that way (maybe when you do have one you might find the blessing in it.) but what if? You deserve to give it another several chances... for you, Nate and for your baby. :) You do deserve to have a child Tami, and it sucks that you don't have one yet. Have you thought about being a foster parent? You can choose the age you want and you wouldn't have to worry about money because the state pays you for the child's expenses so it wouldn't be as financial difficult, it might be helpful even. Sorry, I just talk to a friend last night who is adopting the two foster children she has had and so I thought I'd tell you. If nothing else fostering the children will help her pay for the adoption and it's helped her in her infertility struggles. I mean that it's helped her fill the void. Anyway, I will stop talking so much... you deserve a baby!! Don't give up! You can do it. (all the things you don't want to have to keep hearing *smile*)
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