Friday, December 3, 2010

Roller Coaster...

There is no better way to explain my life the past week. One minute I am confident and on the top of the hill on the roller coaster, the next I'm in the deepest part of the valley ready to throw in the towel and say its too hard.
I knew it would be hard getting back into the TTC game. But, this first cycle has been more hard then I remember any of my others being. I know its because its the first cycle we have tried since we lost the baby, and that right there brings a lot of other emotions in to play. And you add those to the hormones already pumping through my body, and it is NOT a good combination!
Nate told me he is sick of this cycle because I am driving him nuts. Well, I do understand that, but if he is nuts by the little contact he has with me, he should think about me having to live with my brain 24/7!!!
I just for some reason hope and pray that I am pregnant before my due date rolls around. But I know that is asking a lot. I was talking to my Dad about my Mom last night and just asking about her history. She had at least 2 miscarriages, 1 still birth and 1 unwanted abortion. My Dad said it took her at least a year to get pregnant again after her miscarriages. So that popped my bubble a little. But I also talked more with him about my little sister Amanda's still birth. And it really touched me, because I now can understand how hard that must have been for my mom. And her having to choose to abort the other baby who they named Elizabeth. You bond with the baby so fast as soon as you know they exist. I read somewhere, I can't remember where, about how the divine nature of a woman is to nurture, protect, and love. And as soon as she knows that baby is growing inside her she becomes all those things to it. And I believe it. I remember just being in awe of this little life growing inside me and begging it and my Heavenly Father to let it stay with us. I can't imagine being my mom and going through almost 9 months of having that little one grow inside me just for her to pass away.
I know there are many people out there praying for us, and I know that that is where I draw a lot of my strength and courage to keep trying. Right now these infertility treatments are our only option. So, we keep going with it. I just want to tell those who read my blog and constantly say loving, kind, encouraging words, that they are SO appreciated. I remember when I first started to realize, clear back 5 years ago or so, that there was going to be a problem with us getting pregnant. I wanted to hide it from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I was broken. But I have found a lot of healing since I have started opening up about my struggles. I have felt them become lighter through loving neighbors and friends. I have felt the happiness that comes from being able to help others, to sympathize with them. Even if its not the same exact trials. It has made my heart more able to see the suffering and sorrow so many carry with them.
So, back to the roller coaster I go! If you hear screaming, its just me! :)

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