Last Weekend...

Just my hubby and I. It seems so unreal. I can't really even visualize how life is going to change. I can't even really imagine what it will be like to hold my little boy and wrap my head around the fact that he is MINE. My DNA, my body carried him...it's just such a miracle.
I have contemplated the past 7 years over the last 9 months, thinking of the long journey that got us to this point. I was thinking today how many people have prayed for us, and supported us, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every prayer offered on our behalf. So many times I was SURE I would never be able to experience what I have and will. So many times thinking that I would be childless forever. And now standing on the edge of motherhood, there is a lot of fear and excitement all mixed in to one.
Looking back I wouldn't change anything over the past 7 years. I can say that now because I am on the other side looking back, but I can tell you the me going through the last 7 years would freak out that the me now is saying that! But it's true. It just feels like the right time, the right baby, the right frame of mind for this to be happening.
Thank you so much for those that have helped me, supported me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and cried with me. I don't know how I would have done it without you!!!
I will be sure to update when he is here, so be on the lookout for that. I am not sure how much this blog will be used once he is here, because life moves forward. I have reopened my family blog in anticipation of this, you can find the link on the right hand side. I will blog more there about being a Mom and our little family. :) But thank you again! You are all wonderful!

Moved my date

So they moved my induction date to the 4th! :P I am so sad about it, I don't know why! I guess it's just because there is more of a risk of me going in to labor on my own, and that FREAKS me out! Anyhow, nothing much new here, he is weighing in at 6 pounds 13 ounces today, so we are looking at a 7 something pound baby! With a giant head still! LOL Just wanted to update! :)

We have a date!

I am being induced on January 2nd! So I will be a mommy at least by then. I can't believe it. That is under 3 weeks, it's just so insane! I am so excited, nervous, happy. I pretty much feel ready to go, just a have a couple of things I need for the hospital, and I think we are set. I just can't believe that there will be a real, live baby that is MINE, here in 17 days. So blessed!!!! Will appreciate any prayers for safe delivery!

Home Stretch!

Can't believe that we are to the point where I can say I am due next month! This whole year has just FLOWN by to me. It seems like since the day we found out we were pregnant, the year went in to fast forward mode.
I just can't believe that the beginning of 2012 our lives will change so much. I am really excited, but kind of sad in some ways leaving the couple lifestyle behind. But I wouldn't trade it. Change is just always hard, it takes time to adjust. Add the fact that DH will be starting a new shift right around the time baby comes, and it will be a lot of changes all at once!
Let's see...we had our last appointment on Wednesday. Baby looks great, measuring at around 5 lbs 2 oz. We are doing weekly non-stress tests, and so far they have gone fine. Around the middle of the month I will be moving to weekly appointments, so I am hoping that at that point things just move along and it's not long before he is here. I keep feeling the week between Christmas and New Year's, but I don't know if that is just wishful thinking!
He is an active little guy. I think he is getting cramped in there, because it feels like is stretched from hip to rib all the time. A lot of his wiggling makes me jump a little. I know I am not going to miss being pregnant. I know a lot of women do, but not me. I will be glad to get my body back and have some control!!
I'm sorry my posts are so boring now. I am just tired all the time. Energy on a scaled from 1-10 is - 1 million! I just have no energy, and it's getting to the point where it is hard to walk. Having a lot of pressure and pain going on.
Anyhow, hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! :)

Overflowing with Gratitude

Obviously with Thanksgiving just around the corner, thoughts turn to what in my life I am grateful for. Also with the end of the year and the fact that we are having such a life changing event happening, it also makes me reflect on things. So here is just some things I am grateful for!

*First obviously, is this healthy little boy growing inside of me. I just can't even begin to express how much gratitude I have that I will be a mom. And that so far this pregnancy has had little to no complications.
*I am so grateful for my husband. He is my rock, my best friend, my everything. He has been so great during this pregnancy, being willing to jump in when he needs to, to help me or call someone or take me somewhere. He is just amazing.
*I am thankful for a place to live. We have had major struggle financially, but I am so thankful I have a place to go. So many people don't. Even though we have lived with family way longer then we hoped, I am just so grateful for family to take us in.
*I am thankful for health insurance through this pregnancy that has allowed me to not worry about health care costs associated with choices to go in or not. I am thankful for my Dr, and how supportive and great he is. I just don't know if I would be in this position if things hadn't fallen into place just so to line me up with this Dr at this time.
*I am grateful for the road it has taken for me to get here. Infertility sucks. And it hurts and it's hard. But now looking back, I wouldn't change a thing about my journey. It has made me who I am, it has made my hubby who he is and our marriage what it is. And I imagine it will make us the parents that we will be.
*Lastly I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows all. He see the beginning and the end, He knows how to make us become the people He knows we can be. And He is so very generous with His blessings. I can't wait to teach my little guy all about his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ.
So those are things I am most grateful for this 2011 Thanksgiving season. I hope all my readers have a safe and wonderful holiday! :)

Under 9 weeks...

I just can't believe how fast time is going! Let's see what is new. I had an appointment last Wednesday. Baby was breech, but growing right on track! I couldn't see what was happening too well but DH said he saw our little guy open up his mouth like he was yawning or something and then fling his hand over his eyes. I wish I had been able to pick that up but I never can see to well when I am the one on the table! I am glad DH saw it though. I know it's hard for guys to experience pregnancy the same way. I know it just becomes real to them when the baby finally gets here. He was weighing in at 3 pounds 5 ounces last week, so I think by the time we go in next week he will be a good 4+ pounds. :)
I had my family/friend shower last week, oh it was SO fun! And those times it's such a good reminder of the wonderful, supportive people I have in my life. They are just so great, and we had SO much fun at the shower. My friend who threw it is just aMAZing!!! She just rocks, and I am so thankful for all her hard work! I have a neighborhood shower this Saturday which should be fun too! Can't wait to see all the ladies from the ward. It should be great!
So lately baby has been having fun flipping from breech to head down. I finally got him to flip last weekend because it was killing me, but this afternoon I felt him flip to breech again. It hurts so bad...he just kicks like a maniac and it doesn't feel good with his feet down there. I would rather be kicked in the ribs honestly. So back to trying different moves to get him to flip to head down again. :P
Well we are getting so close to the finish line! My anxiety about still birth is probably the number one fear I have at this point. I am actually not that "scared" for labor, I trust my Dr and the hospital I am going to. I am more just anxious about the unknown and also about recovery. I am praying so hard it's not too bad, and that by the time DH get's back to work that I can take care of the baby well enough.
Thanks again to all of you who constantly pray for us. I just cannot believe most the time this miracle that we have waited for so long is finally coming to us. I keep thinking about how things will change in just a short amount of time from now. I am SO ready for this journey of having a family, but there is also some sadness that things have to change. DH and I obviously can't be as carefree as we used to. But I will take the changes coming. I know they will be worth it! :)

Still in shock!

When I stop to think tomorrow I will 30 weeks, I almost go into a haze. I cannot believe that in 10 weeks (give or take) I will be a mommy to a real, live, screaming baby boy! In some ways I feel SO much excitement for this new step with my hubby in building our family. On the other hand I feel terrified for all the reasons all first time parents feel terrified.
I ended up going to a Dr within my Dr's office last Tuesday. I just woke up with a horrible feeling that something was wrong, baby wasn't really moving much and my belly just looked like it had shrunk! They brought me in and did an ultrasound, and there was my sweet little 3 pound baby looking healthy as can be. He was so cute he had his little hand next to his head, and I told hubby that is how I sleep! With my hand next to my head like that! It was just a sweet moment feeling like he is already kind of like me. :) They also hooked me up to the contraction monitor and the heart rate monitor and had me push the button when I felt movement. At first I was so worried because he really wasn't moving too much, and I was afraid I would fail and they would send me to the hospital, but after a few minutes he really started going. It was funny because the biggest, most giant kick I have gotten lately was right after hubby started talking. I think he is going to be a daddy's boy all the way!
I just cannot wait though. I feel really lucky in the fact that this pregnancy has really not been that bad. There of course are the not so fun parts, but overall I have felt okay. Sleep is becoming a bit of an issue for me, I toss and turn a lot at night, and my hips start to ache when I sleep on one side too long. And sometimes he decides to kick me around 3 or 4 in the morning, but other then that I am not too uncomfortable yet. I know I still have 10 weeks to go, but that's okay. I will still take it!
My first baby shower is this weekend and I am SO super excited! I have a really great friend who is throwing it for me, family and friends will be there, it should be a blast! I honestly cannot wait! :) It makes it seem like everything is getting so close!
I am so very blessed. :)

Third Trimester!

So things are plugging along here! I can't believe I am in the home stretch now, and only have just over 11 weeks until my due date. It seems SO short! Maybe even less if my feeling is right and I have the baby in December. But I am not holding my breath for that.
The past few days baby has been kicking alot. I don't know if he is just having more awake time, or what, but he hasn't been this active this many days in a row ever. But I will take it. He will probably quiet down once he goes through another growth spurt.
DH and I are taking a child birth class at our hospital on Saturday. Should be fun. DH has been able to be as involved in the whole process, just because men really can't experience it in the same way. But I know he is going to love this baby SO much when he gets here. He keeps telling me how excited he is to have OUR baby that we can hold and cuddle as much as we want instead of having to give the baby back to it's parents. I know he is going to be an awesome dad. He LOVES kids, and is such a great help to me now, I know that will continue when baby gets here.
My showers are coming up, at the beginning of the month and I am excited! I loved my bridal showers when we got married, lots of friends and family around...and okay the gifts are nice too. LOL.
Doing okay with blood sugar stuff. Trying to make little changes that hopefully will have an impact. They have been a little higher this week, so I am just praying they level out. I really don't want to get on insulin this pregnancy.
I am hoping this trimester goes quickly with the holiday's. I am hoping DH sticks to his promise and we get to see Breaking Dawn on Thanksgiving day. :) I am looking forward to that. We have started trying to make it a tradition because there is a really nice theater by DH's family.
Anyhow, that's about it! Thank you for all the people that have supported me and prayed for me on this journey. I have felt those prayers and am so grateful for them.
P.S. Do any of my readers have a suggestion for a good breast feeding book? I wanted to take a class but I doubt I will get to it. Something good for me and/or DH? Thanks!

Thoughts at 27 Weeks

Just some things on my mind. First of all, I started taking my blood sugars yesterday. So far they are fine and in the normal range. So I am praying this is saying I don't truly have Gestational Diabetes, that I just need to watch what I eat a bit better. I am taking my blood sugars 4 times a day, and I am just praying that they cut that number down once they see how good my numbers are. I know I need to do it for my baby, but it's hard.
Also we just passed being under 3 months. Now that things are getting closer, I am getting really nervous and scared about the actual labor part. It's just one of those things that is new and scary. I trust my Dr and the nurses I had at the hospital when I went in awhile ago were so nice. But I am scared of the pain of delivery and also of recovery. And that leads me to another thought, I wish my Mom was here. I really am basically going through this all alone. I am going to have rely on DH after baby gets here, but he can only take off about a week of work. If I am still having a lot of pain after that, I don't know what I am going to do!
I also am scared of having an infant in my care all the time! I mean I am excited for it, but scared. If he turns out to be mean or anything it's MY fault...that's a lot of responsibility! I also just feel unprepared for breast feeding and all those things that will be new too.
I get a weekly email about the baby, and I just looked at it and it said 13 weeks...that seems so SHORT! Like suddenly I feel like I have so much to do! I have been thinking of it more in terms of days and 91 days seems like a lot longer then 13 weeks!
I also have been feeling a lot more hormonal the past week or so. I had a huge cry on Sunday just about everything I have been worried about and it felt good to just let things out, but I hate that I wake up feeling like that again today! I am not a big cryer.
Well that's all I can think of for now! Getting excited for my showers in just under a month. I am so thankful for the people who have offered to throw them. I have really great people in my life! :)

Out of the triple digits...wow...

Suddenly it just feels like time has been flying by! They are talking about us getting snow this week and it being COLD so all the sudden it feels like that baby coming is right around the corner!
I still can't believe in a lot of ways that I am here. In some ways I thought it would be SO different then it actually is. Like for instance, I really thought I would be all blissful and happy, that hubby would talk to my belly, that we would talk about what it would be like when he came. But it really is a lot more stressful then I thought.
Don't get me wrong! I am so happy and blessed. But when you start to really think about bringing a baby home that you will be responsible for 24/7 it is an overwhelming feeling. I am super excited, but scared for a lot of things like giving birth. I have been trying to push it out of my mind these past months saying it was forever away still, but it's really not anymore! We signed up for our birthing class 2 weeks from Saturday, and I just can't believe it...
I also attempted to take the 2 hour gestational diabetes test today. It did not go well. I got through the first 1 hour blood draw and thought I was doing so good. Then all the sudden I knew I was going to throw it up. We were in the car so I could lay down, and I ended up puking right next to the road...not so fun. But I guess I can consider myself lucky that it was mostly liquid and it was my first experience throwing up in public. I know a lot of women aren't that lucky!
I am starting to get a bit more achy around my belly, my back starts to hurt pretty bad when we walk around for awhile. But other then that I can't really complain! I am slowly looking more pregnant, maybe by 30 or 35 weeks? LOL.
I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I also suddenly can't stand red meat or veggies. They just sound SICK to me. This is really the first food aversion I have had. So who knows. I am also in LOVE with Wendy.s Frosties and french fries. Best treat ever. I am thinking once it gets cold I will have to be getting some mint hot chocolate. :)
Anyhow, 26 weeks tomorrow, so 2 weeks from tomorrow I will starting the 3rd trimester! I just can't believe it! I just feel so extremely blessed...

25 Down, 15 to go!

Today marks 25 weeks pregnant! Wohooo! It feels like a big milestone for some reason. Nothing major has been happening though. I failed my 1 hour glucose test, have to take a 2 hour this week. I am praying I pass!!! Let's see, suddenly I hate the taste of red meat, at least when it's on it own. I tried a spare rib, and some ground hamburger tonight and ICK! But that is new!
I have had about 15 peaches in the last couple of weeks, they are SO good because they are in season. I am going to cry when I can't get good tasting ones anymore!
I feel baby kicking pretty much all through out the day now. It's nice. I still do worry though, mostly that he isn't growing like he should, or that something will happen and he will come to early. But I am getting more excited and nervous as time goes on.
My showers are just in a little over a month and I am excited about that too. :) That is about it though! Just wanted to update everyone that was wondering! :)

23 weeks!

Just a little update, I am all better after that last scare we had. So glad it didn't end up being something major. I am now in my 23rd week. Baby kicks me pretty much everyday, and they are slowly getting stronger. I have days where I look really pregnant, and days where I wonder where my belly went! I figure it will be here full time though soon.

We had our Anatomy scan last week. Everything looks great! It is for sure a boy, and he is already big in my opinion. He weighed in at 1 pound 4 ounces. Of course those are sometimes way off, so I am not putting too much weight into that. But he has a giant noggin. It always measures over a week ahead of everything else!! Ouch...

We have bought all the majorly big stuff that we will need. We are thinking the rest of the stuff we will get from Shower's. I know it's a bit early to have everything (according to some people) but I feel better knowing we bought it when we had the money. Now we will be saving up for our copay and delivery (which will have to pay 10% of). And saving up for things we can't foresee once the baby is here.

Other then that just going along! I will taking my Gestational Diabetes test next week...I am on the fence about passing. I don't always have the best diet, but my blood sugars in the past have always been okay. Plus I am still on Metformin which should help.

As far as symptoms, I still have a days where I feel sick to my stomach. Heart burn is out of control. I get it no matter what I eat. But luckily it is in control for now with Zantac. Just can't wait until January is here! And I can be worried about a baby that I can actually see with my own two eyes!! :)

Not a fun weekend...

This weekend was probably one of the scariest yet. DH had to work, so I was home alone, he went in pretty early. Well I woke up just feeling weird. I had a bowl of cereal which I normally do in the morning, but I felt like I was choking it down, because I felt so sick. I decided to go ahead and lay back down for a little while. Well about an hour later I was running to the bathroom to throw up. That was when I started to notice this pain in my stomach. It was like rock was sitting in there, not moving. At first I just thought well maybe it's some food that is having trouble digesting. So I went to get a glass of water, I took one sip and it came up. And the pain was just getting horribly worse.
I texted DH and told him what was happening, and he said to ask my Dad to take me to ER if I felt I needed to go since he couldn't get home until later in the afternoon. I cried and cried, I didn't want to go there without him. I was terrified of hearing that the baby wasn't okay...but after the pain kept getting worse and I couldn't keep water down but I could tell I was getting dehydrated, I knew I had to do something because dehydration is dangerous for the baby.
So I asked Dad to take me. They go me right up to Labor and Delivery. Hooked me up to the monitors, and started me on some fluids from an IV...and that was THE most painful IV I have ever had in my life. I seriously don't know how I didn't cry out in pain when she put it in. But I knew I needed it. The nurse listened to the baby, took some blood and asked me lots of questions. So far the baby sounded fine. He was kicking and his heart rate sounded healthy and strong. But as the IV was pumping fluid into me, I knew I was going to throw up again. And I did. So they called the on call OB, mine was out of town, and started to think about what could be going on. They gave me some pepcid to see if it could be acid reflux or heart burn, and some antibiotics because at this point they realized my white blood cell count was high, which I guess usually means you have some type of infection going on.
After that it was just waiting. DH finally got there, and I was so glad he was. They brought in an ultrasound specialist to check on my gallbladder because they couldn't think of what else it could be. It checked out fine. So as the day went on, I started to feel a little better. I was able to finally go to the bathroom after having 2 bags of liquid pumped in to me, and then they let me try some water. I was able to keep that down, so they brought me some chicken noodle soup. I tried a few spoonfuls of broth, and noodle and some chicken and it stayed down. So they had us wait for about 30 more minutes just to make sure I could finally keep things down, and then released me with some antibiotics and some Zofran for nausea.
I will tell you it was my most scary experience with getting sick. I am pretty sure it ended up being a stomach bug because after sleeping the majority of the day yesterday I am feeling a lot better. They had me come yesterday for a repeat white blood cell count, so I am guessing since they never called it came back better or normal.
All I can think about is losing this baby though. I cannot get over my fear of losing him...even now. I feel like I can't enjoy the fact that he is on his way because the fear of losing him is overwhelming. I don't want to feel this way, but a lot of time I do. I love being pregnant, I love being able to feel him move around now. But there are just so many things that can happen between now and January, and it's hard to push those thoughts away.
We did finally get the crib, and set it up. I am not finished with the wall, but I will be sure to post pictures when it's done. But whenever I look at it, or arrange the blankets in it for the millionth time, or the stuffed animals, I just keep thinking, what if something happens and I have to come home and see this empty crib? It will be unbearable...
So I am working on it. I am trying to get myself to realize this is happening, that my baby boy is growing inside me and will be here in January. I would appreciate any prayers sent my way though with coping...and for no more scares like we had this weekend!!

Stepping into the Darkness...

I mean this as in the darkness of the unknown. We are buying the crib tomorrow, and I am scared. We have had opportunities to buy it before, but I chickened out. I just keep feeling like what if something happens and the crib is sitting there just waiting to make me lose it?? But I have determined I am going to do it! At sometime I have to step in to the darkness, and just hope and pray that everything is alright. Everything has been fine so far, but you just hear the horror stories.
I think a lot of it is the loss of the baby last year and the fact that it took 7 years for us to get to the point. It seems so unreal that we are on our way to becoming parents, I had so many moments of despair that it wouldn't happen.
I started feeling the baby kick last week, right at 20 weeks! It is still faint, and I don't really feel it everyday, but it is a good feeling! I can't wait until it's stronger and DH can feel it on the outside.
1 week from today is my anatomy scan which I am really nervous about. I am just praying everything looks fine and he is healthy and growing. So just a little update! :)

Halfway There!!!

20 Weeks yesterday, and if it feels like a HUGE milestone to me! In some way I really thought things would be different, that I would look more pregnant, and that I would be feeling the baby kick hard by now, but that is not the way things are! I do look more pregnant, and last night was the first night I really believe I felt my little boy kicking me hard enough to tell! It was a very sweet moment for me. I sat there in amazement for a few minutes.
I still can't believe in so many ways that this is happening to us! I feel so incredibly blessed and just cannot believe that I will be a mommy next year! Still have 2 more weeks to wait until we get our in depth scan. Some people have said they are questioning from my ultrasound picture that it's a boy. But in my heart I know he is a he!
Anyhow, other then that not much going on around here. I have been sewing things like a maniac which helps pass the time, and get's me some cute stuff to use! Next month we will be buying the crib!! I already have all the bedding except for the bumper, which I am going to be using the breathable ones. Oh and we are doing a Safari theme. I can't wait to put it all together, I will be sure to post pictures once it is done!

18 Weeks...

Still not much going on around here. I had an appointment yesterday, which left a lot to be desired! The ultrasound just was horrible...maybe because I have too much belly fat, I don't know! But we couldn't see much of anything. We got a measurement though, he is growing right on schedule. Dr said he doesn't see anything that alarms him. My cervix is nice and long and closed, and my placenta has moved away from my cervix which we were concerned about at the last appointment.
No confirmation of gender. Besides the horrible looking ultrasound, the cord was between the legs!! Little stinker! LOL. So my next appointment will be 22 weeks. I will having my anatomy scan so hopefully we will get a confirmation then that it really is a boy!
As far as how I am feeling, I am having to move into maternity clothes, my belly is growing, getting more round. I feel more pregnant, but am still not sure if I am feeling flutters or not. Sometimes I think I am but it's so light and faint and not constant. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will be getting kicked more!
Nothing else much going on, just thought I would update on what is going on! :)

Dog Days of Summer...

Yeah summer to me seems to be dragging it's heels. I am ready for Fall. I love the feeling of Fall and the nice cooler temps. And the smell in the air.
I haven't really been blogging because there isn't much going on here! I am feeling quite a bit better as far as feeling sick goes. Sometimes I get hit with that icky feeling, but no where near as much as before. We still listen to the heart beat every morning. He must be kicking harder because we hear the loud squelching a lot more and louder now. Sadly I still don't feel anything. I have heard it's normal, but I am just so excited for that part.
I also have been suffering from cold sores...ick. I might give in and try some Abreva, but I hate spending money on something if you don't know if it will work or not. Guess its something else to talk to my Dr about next week.
I took an 17 week pic today and I look way less pregnant then all my other pictures! Guess my bowels aren't very full, which is what they say causes the belly this early. Someday it will be baby and not backed up food!
That is about it! Nothing else is really going on. Hope everyone enjoys the last month of summer! :)

It Never Stops

I have been surprised about how much infertility is still on my mind. Of course it's not in the forefront of my mind because of course the pregnancy has taken that spot. But I still wonder (and worry) will I be infertile after this pregnancy? Will I be able to make this baby a big brother? I really don't want to have an only child. Growing up with siblings, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love having that connection with a handful of people. I loved having big brother's and a big sister. So I know I want this baby to have that too.
But what if I can't? What if this is it? And even just thinking of going through all the worries and stress of treatments makes me want to gag. It's just interesting the effects of infertility never stop. I am SO grateful for this baby. I'm so thankful that it was somewhat "easy" for me to get pregnant in the end. But I still feel infertile. I don't think that feeling ever goes away....

It's a....

BOY!!!!

Yep that is right, we are expecting a little bundle of joy in BLUE! I am so shocked (as I really thought it was a girl), but SO happy and surprised! I can't wait to meet him (I still have SO long to go!!) and hold him and kiss him. Having a boy will be so much fun!

Best Part of the Day!!

Is when we listen to the heartbeat in the morning. I love listening to it. I love that it sounds like the baby is moving around in there, and that the heart beat is nice and strong. I could listen to it for hours!! The doppler was the best idea ever! It has really eased my mind that the baby is okay!
Still no flutters yet (except ones that MAY have been baby, too hard to tell right now). Can't wait until I get to that part. :)

The Greatest Gift...

So. First off, my appointment was short and kind of disappointing. We didn't get an ultrasound, which I was so sad about! He felt my uterus, said it was measuring great, right under my belly button, and listened to the baby's heart beat and said it was very strong. Then said in a month we will try to find out the gender! So at least I know I will have one then!!!
I have been thinking about my journey with infertility a lot over the past couple of weeks. I can't believe that my journey seems to have ended the way it has. There were so many times I doubted I would ever be pregnant...but yet here I am. I was so sure after my miscarriage last year, that I would have a complicated pregnancy. So far, perfection. But I have to say the greatest gift that infertility gave me, is that everyday I am in awe of this little one growing inside of me. Even though I complain, a little on Facebook, mostly to DH, I realize how lucky I am. I really believe that if I had been able to get pregnant way back when I wanted to, this baby would not mean as much to me or DH as it does. And now I can see God's hand all the way through things that have happened, including my miscarriage.
Anyhow, enough of the heavy! Some things going on right now are cravings that come and go! I wanted Nacho Cheese Doritos so bad...then nope, they sounded disgusting. But of course horrible food always sounds good. Such as McDonald.s french fries...yep. Can't get enough of those. I have been trying hard to squeeze a vegetable or two in a day. But man this baby knows what it wants and has really messed with my taste buds.
I was really hoping to share a picture of the baby, but I want to share something so here is a picture of me at 14 weeks....still don't have a cute baby bump, I am questioning if I ever will thanks to lovely PCOS (blah!). I just look fat pregnant...lol. Oh well! I will take it!

Beautiful

So I am officially in the 2nd Trimester! Wohoo! I just can't believe it half the time. But I am so grateful.
This week has been one of the best so far. I haven't been AS tired, I get small bursts of energy, which have helped me start nesting, lol. I have started deep cleaning our room and everything, even though I still have months to go. But I figure it will take awhile to get everything done that I would like to, and who knows what the next months will bring. I still get sick every once in awhile. But no more throwing up which has been so nice. I mean overall I am starting to feel like myself again.
I often wonder why I'm not as emotional as pregnant women are notorious for being. DH would disagree with that statement and say that I get irritated at him a lot more easy, which in some ways are probably true. But no unexpected bawling or anything. Maybe it comes later in pregnancy when all the hormones really get going? Guess we will see.
I don't think I have felt any flutters yet, I thought I did a few days ago, but now I think it was just other things going on. I got a nice winter insulated stomach so it could be awhile. But I can't wait for that, and for the kicks to get started. I know it will be amazing.
And lastly, since I have been feeling so good, of course my nerves just shot up this week. Because that is what happened last time, I stopped feeling pregnant completely. So this morning I had DH pull the doppler out, and we tried it and found it and it was LOUD! It was like the baby was saying YES MOM. I am STILL HERE. LOL. When we have tried it before it hasn't shown up in the display because it was way in the background, so you had to hold it up to your ear to hear it. But this morning it was loud and right there, and the display was ranging between high 150s to low 160s. Oh it was BEAUTIFUL!!! My baby is growing, and this is really happening. And everything is good TODAY!
I hope I have some decent pictures of the baby to post after my next ultrasound. The last ones you can't see hardly anything except a spine here, a hand and foot there...so hopefully I will get a good one on Wednesday.
Thank you again and again for all those praying for us, and keeping us in your thoughts. They are appreciated and felt. Believe me.
Yay!!!

Ramblings

So just some things on my mind. First off, it seems I am finally getting a LITTLE better. Mind you little is the word here. I still get hit with the puke bug every so often, but my energy levels are starting to pick up, which have hit such a low I never thought it possible that I could be that tired all the time! But I am finally getting to some things that have needed to be done around here.
Also I got to see the baby again yesterday. It's just amazing that this baby is growing inside of me at such a fast rate, but really there is no physical sign of it! I can't wait until I feel the kicks and rolls and all of that fun stuff. Yesterday it was huddled against my placenta and just didn't want to give us a good shot. But that is okay. I just hope when DH finally gets to come on the 13th that the baby is a little active. Maybe I will cheat and drink a little juice before we go. :)
I can't believe that in a few days I will officially be in the 2nd trimester. I just can't say enough how amazed I am that this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. The last one was just chaos...I never felt morning sickness or any of the other symptoms in early pregnancy which should have been a giveaway that something was up. It's been a year since we lost the first baby, and sometimes I just can't believe that here I sit pregnant again with a so far healthy baby growing inside of me. It's just amazing. God is just so good...
I haven't really had any growing pains this week, which is surprising considering how big my uterus has gotten in just over a week. (I love how I talk about these parts of the body like its an arm or a finger...hahaha the joys of infertility). We are also able to find the heartbeat on the doppler a ton easier. I still don't think we are getting an accurate reading on the numbers because its in the background and you have to hold the doppler up to your ear to hear. Its a lot easier to have someone else help you though I have found, and DH enjoys listening to it too.
Anyhow, just ramblings for the day. I hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend! No major plans here, just spending time with DH which is VERY needed! I'm grateful to live in America. I know I take it for granted, but I really do feel so blessed to live my life the way I see fit! Happy 4th of July! :)

12 Weeks.

You know, I thought I would be feeling better (nerves, anxiety wise) around now. But honestly I feel just as worried as I did on day one. I ended up buying a doppler, it got here yesterday. We heard the heartbeat very faintly, but I have decided I am going to put it away for another week or two. We tried to find it again this morning, and I just think that the way my body is my uterus is just in there too deep. Makes me sad, but I am also trying to realize at some point I just need to let go and realize I can stress and worry all I want and it won't change any outcome.
It is so hard not to just talk myself in to calling my Dr to see me. But like I have said before, I know I can't keep doing that. Its not fair to him or his staff.
I really hope at some point I start to just enjoy this pregnancy more then the worries. I think once I start feeling that baby that will be the only thing that keeps me half sane. But I am a good 6-8 weeks from that as far as I know.
2 weeks from tomorrow is my next appointment. I just cannot wait. It seems so long away!!
I so appreciate those that are praying for us.

Just have to share

I ended up calling my dr and asking if he could see me. I just needed to go in one more time and make sure it was all still good. And it is! I am so sad that DH wasn't able to be there because for the first time I saw the baby kicking and rolling around and it was just SO cute! For some reason it just made it more real to me that there is a baby in there, and in a little while it could be in my arms! That is an amazing and scary thought. I just hope the rest of the pregnancy continues this way! I feel so blessed.

It's...terrifying.

I will admit, I have been a nervous wreck the last 7 weeks or so (since finding out). Every day I wake up with irrational fear that something is wrong. I really believe that some fear during pregnancy is normal. But mine is over the top. I had an ultrasound every week from weeks 4-10...how sad is that??
I have tried to talk to DH about the reasons that I think the fears are over the top. The first being my miscarriage last year. The whole experience was scary, emotional, depressing, and just plain horrible! I would not wish that experience on anyone. Secondly, is the fact that I believe in some place inside me I started to believe as years passed that I didn't really deserve a baby. I have always had pretty low self esteem, so its hard to talk to myself and say that I deserve to be a mom just as much as the next person. And lastly I think its because its my first pregnancy. So I don't know what is normal. Is this dull ache normal? Is feeling great today normal? When its your first you just don't always know what's normal.
I am so grateful that things seem to be going well, but really I would love to have an ultrasound available to me 24/7! I ordered a heart beat Doppler which should be here next week and I am hoping that it helps calm my fears. I am just praying this baby is going to join our family in January!

Uncharted Territory

I have come to that place where other infertiles go. A place where you feel in limbo. I don't feel like I belong outside the infertile world...but in essence I do, because,

I am pregnant.

For me, its an odd feeling. On the one hand I cannot believe this is happening to me. After 7 years of praying, hoping, wishing, and all the other millions of emotions that have come with infertility, it feels weird to be standing on the other side.
I know this is a bitter pill for some to swallow. I understand some will feel happy for me, but will also feel the sadness and the green monster come out. And that's okay. If you don't follow my blog anymore, that's okay. I understand. Do what is best for you!
So the specifics are, I am due January 10th, 2012. I am almost 11 weeks, and so far the pregnancy has gone seamlessly. Remember the blog from awhile ago where I was freaking out over that cycle, and not getting the IUI's and all that? Well, my body did what it was supposed to. I am SHOCKED still at times when I think that I got pregnant so easily...I also feel very guilty.
I am still terrified after my last pregnancy. I have already passed the time of the last loss. But, I have tasted the bitter...so I know better then to make any concrete plans. But I have a good feeling about this one.
I have had an ultrasound every week, thanks to a understanding doctor, but now won't be going in until 14 weeks which is terrifying.
I have been sick with this pregnancy. I had one day of not being able to keep anything down. But mostly just feel queasy. It still hasn't left yet, its gotten better the closer I have gotten to 12 weeks, but threw up just yesterday!
So, from here on out this blog will move from infertility to pregnant after infertility. I still understand the infertile world. I still feel part of it. I still want to support others going through that valley. But I also want to relish in the fact that I have been blessed to come out of it. And ask for prayers that this baby is healthy and strong.
I so appreciate all the support and love I have gotten on this blog. Its been so overwhelming and wonderful! I pray and hope for those still struggling with infertility/or childlessness that you are able to carry that burden, and that those who are still in the process get their dream.
Thank you!!!

Life goes on...

Nothing much to report here. Just enjoying the warm weather, I hope all my readers are too! My oldest niece will be graduating in a few weeks, my sister will be visiting which I am so excited about since I haven't seen her in almost a year! I just can't believe that much time has passed, my nieces and nephews are growing up so fast.
Then we have a couple of camping trips planned for the Summer, which will be awesome. Oh and my birthday is in a month. 30 is slowly creeping up on me! I just can't believe how different my life has turned out to be...I thought I would have several children by now, a house, a nice salary...none of these have turned out to be true.
I feel like I was so naive when I was younger, I guess we all are. But like I have expressed before, a lot of times I feel like my life is frozen where it is. It doesn't feel like things are moving forward. Everything is just the same. And really I don't know if having children would even change that mindset.
So anyhow, that's what is on my mind lately! LOL. Until next time!

What does it mean?

As I sit here and contemplate the meaning of this day, I start to think about what exactly a mother is. Of course she is someone who bears children, but really that event is tiny in the life of a child. Isn't a mother someone who bears life with compassion, courage, love, and patience? If that is the case then as women we are all mother's it does not matter if we have children or not. As Sheri Dew said "Motherhood is the essence of who we are as women."
I have seen so many women in my life exhibit these qualities. A sister-in-law who has been given a lot of hard things to bear, including several little rambunctious boys. But she has risen out of it a better person, more loving, more compassionate, and patient. A woman who lost her baby before she even got the chance to know him. But is confident he is in the arms of Jesus, and has lived life with so much compassion for others. Another woman who who will never experience pregnancy at all, but lives her life helping others cope with infertility and educating others to it's many complex emotions.
Yes. These women in essence are all mother's. For those that are infertile, there is NO greater example to me of motherhood. How much courage it takes to pursue treatments, how much love for a baby unknown to subject your body and mind to pain and disappointment time and time again. How much courage it takes to accept a life of childlessness. How much patience through all these trials is expected and needed. How much compassion for others these women exhibit, there ability to love is overwhelming!!
"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly and definitely that. It is the essence of who we are as women. Motherhood defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits, talents, and tendencies with which our Father endowed us." Sheri Dew in her booklet entitled "Are We Not All Mothers?"
So Happy Mother's Day to all women out there, I am blessed to know you all. Thank you for your examples of love, patience, and compassion.

New Winner!!

So, the winner never responded. So I redrew and the new winner is Chelsea!!!! So please contact me with your information, my email is to the left, or you can message me on Facebook since we are friends on there. :)
Thanks for everyone that participated! Another one is in the works so please come back again soon!!! :)

MAJOR pet peeve...

So on my Facebook I have this one "friend" who constantly makes remarks on some of my statuses essentially with the tone of "you shouldn't be feeling this way." If you are friends with me on there, you probably can pick out who that person is. And it drives me INSANE. All my status said was "This year Mother's Day is rubbing me the wrong way. I can't give a card, and I can't get a card. What's a girl to do?"
I do NOT understand why some people feel the need to control or chastise you for your feelings. Can someone explain this to me? God, I believe, gave us feelings for a reason. And most the time I don't believe in suppressing your feelings. For me I learned at a very young age that I needed to have somewhere to express my feelings about things or else they got too intense for me to control at times. There would be times where my grief would be so overwhelming about my Mom's death that I would cry and scream for hours and beg for someone to bring me my Mom. Can you imagine me in Elementary school making the traditional gifts for Mom's at school and knowing in my mind there was no one at home to give it to? Can you imagine me wondering what to do when our Young Women group at church would have a mother/daughter activity? My sister was always available for those kinds of things, and I am so grateful to have her, but its not the same you know?
I just ask you to please not make someone feel like they shouldn't feel a certain way. Especially when it comes to infertility. You are just asking them to close off to you. Most the time we just need someone to listen and be a sounding board. There are a lot of emotions tied in to infertility, and I would say most of them aren't pretty. But I think in the end that is what makes us more compassionate to others.
:)

Winner and what's new!

Okay the winner of the jewelry is...

HOLLY!!!

You have until Wednesday at 6 PM MST to contact me, my email is over on the right hand side, if not I will redraw! Come back again, I will be doing more of these for sure!!!

In what's new, Nate and I went to an Infertility seminar on Saturday. They started doing these annually last year, and they have always been great. Last year they focused more on the medical side of infertility, this time they focused more on the emotional side.

Some of the things that stuck out for me were:

* Mindfulness. This one is huge for me. I often try to think of terms of the future. I very rarely can get myself to relax and enjoy the here and now. Especially when it comes to infertility. I feel like I am always trying to live in the future and that's not even possible! So I will be working on that.

* Spouse. Remembering that your spouse is the one constant you can count on IF you remember to work on your marriage. Babies may come, they may not, but your spouse can always be there for you.

* Treatments? Having an open discussion about what you and your spouse are okay with as far as treatments. Donated sperm? Donated egg? Embryo adoption? IVF? I have always felt DH and I were pretty much on the same page here but it was nice to really lay out there again.

* Stress. They have done studies and found out that some women dealing with infertility can have as much stress as someone diagnosed with a life threatening illness. This was just amazing to me when I heard this. Because my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and struggled with it for a year or two and there was a lot of stress there. It also makes me feel like I am not so crazy...because there are times where I feel like I have a life threatening illness even though I really don't!

* Gender Differences. They talked a lot about the differences in coping for men and women. It was really a good refresher.

* Laughter. They talked about how important and beneficial it is to laugh, and laugh together.

These are just a few of the things they talked about. It was just awesome, and its always amazing to me to see how infertility effects EVERYONE. There were all kinds of different people there. The couple sitting down from us during the last speaker I would have NEVER picked out of crowd to have infertility. But that's the sad thing about this disease. It effects people in all walks of life, and all over the world!

So, hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful spring day (at least here it is finally!) :)

Giveaway time!!!

Sorry I didn't get this posted last night! I ended up having a really late night with some of my awesome friends from high school. It was a really fun night.
So the giveaway. It is a necklace and some earrings. I made both of them, they are so cute though! I really think whoever wins them will love them. If you can't tell the earrings are purple on the bottom.
So leave a comment to enter, I will pick a winner on Sunday at 6PM MST! Good luck! :)

Giveaway and half way through the dread...

I am half way through the dreaded 2 ww...and let me tell you. I can say with almost 100% certainty this month is not THE ONE! We are trying very hard to get an appointment set with a new doctor, because I am not going through what I went through with this cycle again. I refuse to not have an IUI next month.
So, in horrible news, my jeans no longer fit. Man I cannot believe this, but I am back in my Lane Bryant jeans and I just want to CRY. Its weird because I am only about 10 pounds heavier then I was, but I am not fitting in clothes very easy anymore...
But in GREAT news! Be on the lookout for my giveaway. And this not just for infertiles, its ANYONE who reads my blog, this will just be a fun thing, not infertility specific. I am probably going to start doing these more regularly, so its a great reason to read my blog! :) So, look for it tomorrow! Wohoooo! :)

GIVEAWAY!!!

I have decided to do a giveaway sometime this week to all my wonderful readers! So stay tuned for that. And please read the blog below! RESOLVE had all infertility bloggers unite to bust myth's about infertility! :)

"Just relax and you'll get pregnant."

As I sit here in the middle of all these people I don't know, I intentionally avoid eye contact with everyone. An inner dialogue rages on in my mind. I have heard this dialogue thousands of times before. It always goes something like this:
"You don't belong here."
"You know they look at you different."
or
"You have nothing in common with these people."
Inevitably someone recognizes I am new here. As they make their way over to me, I feel my suit of armor latch into place, especially protecting my heart. Its been damaged before, so the armor around it is very thick.
After the normal pleasantries of where we live, where we are from, and our names, the conversation, like always become more pointed and probing questions into our personal life.
"How long have you been married?"
"Seven years."
"Any kids?"
"No, but we are hoping soon."
"Oh just relax, and it will happen."
There it is. The unsolicited advice. The usually well intentioned, but uneducated advice.
In my perfect world, there would be nothing wrong with screaming at them something like this:

"Did you know I have a disease that prevents my body from ovulating? Did you know I have to constantly work on ovulating? Something your body does all on its own, and you don't even have to think about it? That you would NOT be relaxed if you were in my position, that you would be far from it? And you are telling me in all seven years that I have been begging and pleading the universe to send me my own little bundle of joy that I have never been relaxed?? And I wonder, would you say these words to someone who had cancer, a heart problem or someone with diabetes? Just relax and this disease will take care of itself?? No...."

But instead I screw on my fake smile and just nod until they inevitably drift back into the crowd. The crowd where I feel an outcast because I can't join in the conversations of delivery and the trials of raising a child. No. I do not belong here.
I use this story to educate other out there. If someone you meet says something similar to you, the best advice is always just to show support and love. How different would this story have ended if this person had said
"I hope its soon for you too."
Unsolicited advice, no matter the subject, is NEVER welcome. And its never received well.

Quick Facts
* Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population.
* Only 15 states have a state mandate requiring insurance companies to cover infertility claims. Whereas most insurances will cover a mother giving birth, for all her appointments and delivery. * Every year thousands of these couples spend THOUSANDS of dollars on treatments that may yield no child.
* There are far reaching consequences to not building a family (in any way), such as who will take care of you when you are old?? These are questions that run through even the young and childless minds at times.
* Couples with infertility feel isolated, alone, and broken most of the time. Even by friends and family. They need to be included the same way as they would be if they had children.

To find out more on infertility and its meaning go to RESOLVE's website here.
To learn about RESOLVE's Infertility Week visit here.

Wohooo!

So my gut feeling was right. Showed on the ultrasound today that I ovulated all on my own. Which means no IUI, but we are hoping we have our bases covered anyway. My Dr said its actually better to O on your own instead of having to trigger. He said the outcome is usually better. I have a good feeling, but at the same time, I wonder if I am setting myself up for disappointment if it doesn't happen.
Anyways, its just crazy that my body did what it was supposed to! That is so rare with PCOS...normally it just doesn't want to do anything. My Dr also ran some blood tests on me for blood clotting issues, because apparently I forgot to tell him about my sister! But he had me start also on baby Aspirin just to be sure that is not a problem.
So prayers are appreciated. I hope its our turn for a healthy sticky baby. But at least this cycle was a good one, no matter the outcome. :)

Where's my Crystal Ball??

This to me is THE most frustrating part of having PCOS, and going through infertility treatments. Because PCOS can cause positive ovulation strips, because the hormone that makes the strips go positive in normal women, is messed up in women with PCOS and can cause positive strips even when you aren't going to ovulate.
So, I got a positive yesterday, I am inclined to believe it because of feelings in my uterus area, sore chest, and its around the time my eggs usually are ready to be triggered. Usually I would be having a Doctor's appointment today which is CD 14, but he is closed today, so I will be going in tomorrow. As far as I am concerned based on what I am feeling, we won't be having an IUI this cycle. I really think its to late, he's going to see I already ovulated and we missed our chance. I could be wrong and it wouldn't be the first or the last time, but I have really learned to listen to my body...
I am really okay if that is how it turns out, I mean normally I need the trigger shot to get the eggs out because they just don't want to come out. But, it does make me feel like I could be wasting time and money with this doctor since timing is everything with infertility treatments. This has been a really weird cycle anyway, because I didn't have a true AF. It was mostly just spotting. And there is a part of me that wonders if I ended up Oing earlier, because I have been feeling really weird lately. I remember when I was pregnant last year, one of the first things I remember feeling was that there was like a rock in my uterus...and I am feeling that again....but it also could just be my diet has been HORRIBLE lately...
Anyhow, guess we will see what the Doctor says tomorrow. I will be sure to update when I know what's going on. :)

It still hurts....bad.

Tonight was a rough night, here are 2 projects that led to said rough night.

First to the left, I pulled out all of my "baby" stuff. Most of it was from the last pregnancy. I got a bunch of baby clothes from my sister since she is done with having babies. So I have known for awhile I needed to go through it. Also had my Expecting book, and my 2 maternity shirts I cursed myself by buying (....). The second is a scrapbook page I knew I have wanted to do for about a month now. I needed to document it, and make sure some of my ultrasound pictures were safe. I was very surprised by how hard this still is...even after almost a year. I went down to the basement to pull it all out, and I couldn't catch my breath. I am very melancholy now, which I knew would happen. Its especially hard when we are going through IF treatments again. In less then a week now, I will be heading to the doctor, and for some reason I have a feeling its not going to be good news. But I know that its the name of the game... Just a rough night...and I am so ready for the weekend, I just wish there was going to be SUN. Please Spring come...sometime soon??

Messing with my MIND

So I was a relaxed and okay about this cycle. Realizing it might take a few tries before anything happens. But glad to be back to TTC. All the sudden I am on an emotional roller coaster! I have been dreaming about babies, day dreaming about babies, looking at baby clothes sometimes when we go to the store...I am SUPER emotional, which is throwing DH off his groove. I am just chalking it up to how the Femara works, since I think I remember reading it makes you produce more estrogen. But, I really hate this out of control feeling with my emotions. I am so praying that this is the year for a healthy baby for us...it is hard, I will admit, to get my hopes completely up. I am trying hard to be brave and courageous, but its hard. Especially after going through a loss, it takes the innocence of pregnancy away. At least it has for me. Anyhow, 1 week for today we will be finding out what the egg(s) are doing, if there are any. Praying there is, and that we can time the IUI well (this has been a problem with my Dr). Have a wonderful rest of the week readers! :)

Who am I?

Sometimes I get so into documenting my infertility journey, (and complaining about it!) that I forget that most of you don't even really know ME. Like the real me. So here are just some fun things you might or might know about me.

#1 I am the youngest of 5, I only have one sister the rest are brothers. I am an aunt of 17 (almost 18) nieces and nephews. They are some of the best parts of my life.

#2 I only kissed one boy in my whole life. I have only had one boyfriend my whole life. I have only held hands with one boy in my whole life. That would be my wonderful hubby.

#3 I love to laugh. I love to be silly, and say the most random things. I also love to make faces in pictures.

#4 I love Disneyland and everything Disney related. If we don't have kids in the next few years, we will be moving to California and becoming Annual Pass holders.

#5 I love video games, especially RPG's. My favorite RPG is Kingdom Hearts (of course). I love to play video games with my hubby, even though it can get crazy because we are both very competitive. :)

Well that's a little bit about me. Hopefully it helps you all to get to know me better. I will try to do some of these a little more often, just so you can all get to know me besides knowing I'm an infertile.

Here we go...

I start my Femara tonight. So any prayers, or positive thoughts would be appreciated!!! I will post again soon. :)

Overwhelmed

Now that our vacation is over, I am looking at starting the infertility road and I am just overwhelmed by the emotions that I have been experiencing. There is a lot of fear and anxiety. A lot of memories of the miscarriage last year. Feelings of guilt that I have gained weight, and that I haven't been very good about taking some of my meds lately. Also just so much fear that this process won't result in another pregnancy. That last year was just some crazy miracle that will never happen again.
There is hope, but really more anxiety then anything else.
CD 1 is just about here...I will keep you all posted. :)

What's it like to be NORMAL? 7 year milestone, thoughts & feelings...

As I come up on my 7th year of trying to have a baby, there are a lot of feelings. Some good, most not. So here they are.
*FEAR. Fear that this will never happen, fear that we are throwing money down the toilet, because it doesn't matter what we try. My body just can't do the pregnancy thing.
*FEAR. That we will NEVER be parents. Even seeking alternative routes.
*FEAR. That we will never be able to TRY anything other then what we are doing now because of money problems.
*MISUNDERSTOOD. I'm sorry. But you CANNOT understand unless you have been an Infertile for awhile. One round of a certain drug, and BAM you are pregnant...don't tell me you understand.
*GUILT. I feel guilt because I know that its my body that is the problem. I often wonder if I am keeping my hubby from a better life...with lots of kids, and a wife with less problems.
*SAD. Why floats around my mind all the time. Why do I have PCOS, when no one in my immediate family does? Why do I try SO hard, just to get the same results...
*ANGRY. I always come back to the same thing, that everything in my life has been hard. Nothing has come easy, and everything somewhat decent that has happened, I have had to work HARD for. And most the time its eventually ripped away anyway.
*ALONE. No one can console me. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. I have a couple of people in my life that can soothe things for me...but the hole in my heart never leaves.
*BETRAYED. By my body...by the "CIRCLE OF LIFE" thing that is just supposed to happen...but doesn't. By numerous people I thought were "friends"...
*ROBBED. Of the life I COULD be having right now...robbed of the ability to trust people, since I have been used and emotionally abused by many of them...

This list could go on forever...but I will end the negatives here.

*HOPE. I have great hopes that this will still happen for me. I have had positive results with the drugs I have been on, so we just need that egg and sperm to meet one more time!!!
*HAPPINESS. I have moments of happiness with my husband. I have had 7 WONDERFUL years of getting to know him. Getting to a wonderful place in our marriage. Learning how to live with each other, and stay in love. Especially knowing that our marriage is a SOLID place for our baby to come to.
*ANTICIPATION. Because I know when that baby comes, it will be the most loved baby.
*MATURITY. Had I been a mom in my early 20s, I know I wouldn't be the same mom as I will be now.
*PEACE. That I am still trying. That I am doing my part. And that if I keep doing this, I will have no regrets even if it doesn't happen. I tried, and I think that will count for something in the end.
*GRATITUDE. For the things I do have. Health insurance that covers pretty much everything of our current treatments. A wonderful husband, and Dad who love and support me. 2 wonderful cats that love me.
I hope 7 is a lucky number for me! Here's hoping!!!

Being Human...

Is rough. Now let me preface this by saying this is not directed at any one person. It's about being human and how we really can't control, try as we might, to control how we feel. Something that is seriously getting on my nerves lately is the green monster of jealousy. I don't know if I was just born with an extra dose of it or what, and no matter how I try to tame that monster, it often rears its ugly head. Specifically when it comes to pregnancy announcements. No matter who, what, when, why, or how, this is the most irrational time that it pops up. I will sit there after the announcement is made and talk to myself about how it's okay, and that I don't mind. But inevitably I will eventually feel the monster take over.
I feel like this makes me a horrible person. I know it doesn't but this is the real reason that I haven't been to any baby showers. This is why I hide out from the world at times. Sometimes I wish that I could turn my brain off. But no matter what....this monster just keeps up it's annoying presence.
I send kudos to those infertile women who are MUCH stronger then I at pushing these thoughts aside. I hope someday down the road I find this monster tamed. But for now I will just keep trying to tame the beast.
Today I am extremely grateful for my husband. He is my rock. He is my buddy....and he doesn't judge me for feeling a certain way because he sees how hard I try. He truly is the most precious gift I have been given in this life. I can't wait for our first vacation together in 5 years!! It will be several days of so much fun, followed by passing our 7 year milestone of TTC, followed by our first cycle back at treatments. It will be a busy time coming up. :)

What's the TRUTH?

My friend Vicki posted a blog about a Time Magazine article called Does Society Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood? You can check out her thoughts here. And it got me thinking about some things.
First off, the majority of the "Facebook Mom's" that I am friends with, OFTEN complain about being Mom's. Now I may be biased because I don't have children, and don't have to face the daily grind of being a mom. And I also may be biased because I desperately want to be a mom and almost all of these women became mom's without much work. It just seems like maybe being a parent isn't all its cracked up to be? I mean, based off of what I read on Facebook, my answer would be yes.
Of course, there is the biological need to have children, which has enabled our species to thrive (wow that sounded really...scientific). And women seem to have an extra dose of this, I will say my need and desire to have children is much stronger then hubby's.
Also, it gets me thinking, and this is HUGE for me...will I still be as dissatisfied with life, even after having children?? Will I become one of those complaining "Facebook Mom's"? I mean everyone has bad days. I know I do!!! But if I go by what I hear of other women with children say, its WORSE with kids. I know some will argue, but what about the kisses and the I love yous and the grand kids and all those wonderful moments of having children bring to my life? I would say, you have moments like those being Childless. They just come from a different source.
Now don't get me wrong. I will never stop wanting children. I believe in having children, for personal and religious reasons. But I wonder at times if I imagine life a certain way and its just not going to be that way when those babies come? Will I find more satisfaction and joy out of life with the pitter patter of little feet that carry my DNA or my last name? That remains to be seen.
But...based off of Facebook (and Mom's I talk to or hear talking), my answer would be NO.
So please...weigh in with thoughts or comments...I am interested in hearing anything as long as its ADDING to the conversation.

I got bit again...

with the baby bug! Oh man, those feelings are back with a vengence. I had a little repreive from them over the past 6 months or so, but they are back. I am ready to start down the IF path, sadly there is a road block in the way. Hubby. He has really been struggling lately...its been hard, because I don't know how to help him. I have tried asking him to talk about what is bothering him, but he just says he doesn't know. He just feels sad. I have kind of been wondering if it has been related to the miscarriage, he seemed to just push all his feelings down, and tried to be strong for me. So right now, I am just waiting out his funk, so he hopefully will be ready to try after our trip. I know we are getting to the end of the road with my OBGYN so I know a forced break isn't too far in our future. I know after a couple more rounds of Femara we will have to be moving on to something more intense which will probably be injectables, and they only place that does that is over 30 miles away.
In good news, I got on an Anti-Depressant about a month ago, and I feel SO different. I never knew what it was like to have a pretty steady, consistent mood, but these piils do it for me. I still have bad days, but the edge is gone to them. I have always suspected that I had been depressed, even when I was a teenager. But family members made me feel bad about getting on Anti-Depressants because they believed there was no such thing as depression. But it was interesting, my first day on them even my vision seemed different. It was suddenly like more light was coming in my eyes. Its hard to explain. But my marriage has taken a total 180...my DH just cannot believe the difference in me. He even apologized the other day about how he had treated me. He said he always thought it was just an attitude thing, but now after seeing me on these pills for a month he is a huge believer in depression existing.
So if you are someone reading this, and you have struggled with it, don't hesitate to get help. I am on a pretty low dose of meds, but I WISH I had gone in sooner and talked to a DR about it. And I feel like I will be a better mom too, because I have a lot more patience with people and situations. Life is a lot easier to handle.
So, as far as PCOS, I am waiting for AF to show. If she has come back next Wednesday I am heading in for a progesterone shot, then starting my first round of BCP. I also had my Vitamin D checked, and its low. I am probably going to have my blood work faxed over to my OBGYN, because I am not going to see the Endo anymore. Its a waste of time and money when my OBGYN is doing exactly what they are + more.
So anyhow, that's my update! Hope everyone is enjoying our downward slope to Spring!!! :)

WOW! Its me.

Well, I am finally blogging after quite a break. There really isn't much to report on the TTC front. I had my annual exam with my OB. He took a look at my ovaries and sadly they are poly cystic again. He said they aren't as bad as last time, but he is concerned. I have to talk to my Endo tomorrow at my appointment about bumping up my Metformin. I am totally fine with that, it seems like really, really gradual works for me, so I probably will be bumping it up this week.
We also discussed me rotating birth control. My Dr was really happy about that suggestion. When I went on one month last year, then off I ended up ovulating. So the hope is maybe it will help me get pg all on my own. But at least maybe help my cycles normalize somewhat.
As far as FUN news, we are headed off to Disneyland in just a little over a month. I am so super excited, but now it seems time has slowed WAY down. So life moves on. I really hope to get pg again sometime this year...but at this point I am not sure when we will be trying the more intense treatments again. We shall see after a few more months.
Anyways, just checking in! Pretty boring update, but thanks for reading if you did! :)

Why do we say this??

I was writing a post about my miscarriage, and like I have written MANY times I wrote, "I got pregnant last year for the first time in 6 years but I LOST THE BABY."
Why is this a common phrase for women who have suffered a miscarriage? Its not OUR fault. It really is nature's fault. So this sentence really doesn't make sense. But I wonder what effect it has on us subconsiously? Does it make us feel like it was in some way our fault? I know I have questioned it at times...and things like this that come out of MY MOUTH just add to the feeling of inadequacy.
Its insane that these common phrases are used, and we never think about the full impact of our words, even on OURSELVES. Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves in the middle of taking care of everything else, and I have to think that words we say can hurt our OWN feelings at times, we are just to busy to notice.
I probably will still find myself using that phrase...but I really hope I can try to reword it when I do.
“The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you're going to live long enough to wish you had.” ~Grace Mirabella

Baby's Due Date

Saturday was our baby's due date. Thursday and Friday were hard days. I cried every night. Although I am at peace with things that have happened, it was still hard to think of the fact that baby should be here...
Saturday ended up being a day where I know God's hand was in my life. I had a wonderful, fun day with DH. We have both been in a funk for awhile, and it was much needed. We laughed a lot. We went out and had lunch. We played games. It was just a really good day for us. I hardly even thought of the sadness that surrounded the day.
And it was interesting, yesterday I woke up to AF just showing up all on her own. It was on CD 50, but usually I can't expect her at all without some type of help. So I am hoping this is a good sign for me.
I am going in on Thursday to hopefully get on anti-depressants. I'm still not doing better on that front, and I'm tired of feeling this way.
But I am thankful for my Heavenly Father for providing me a way to cope with this weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...but I know that it didn't just "happen" to be that way.
So, one more month and the beginnings of Spring will be here, and I for one can't wait. I am hoping that some happy times lie ahead for me and that I make some WONDERFUL memories this year. And if I had a surprise BFP thrown in there, I don't know if I would be too sad about that. LOL. But, I hope January was a good start to the year for the rest of you. Thanks for all of your on going support and those who take a minute to write me comments...they really do mean SO much to me.

What lies ahead?

This is the question in my mind lately. I still have no answer. I haven't blogged for awhile, because I just don't have anything new to blog. I had an epiphany this weekend, where I realized that it was probably for the best that we lost the baby...its still hard, and I wish she was here. But there is a lot going on in our life right now, that I'm not sure it would have been the best for us or the baby. And taking that even a step further, I am to the point now where I look ahead, and I don't even see me TTCing again. The desire is just gone. This is about TTC mind you, not about having a baby in general. People are telling me that after a break it will change, but I'm not sure. I don't feel it changing so far...
I still get sad about the baby, when I see new babies being born on Facebook, when I hear of others having a baby. I get punched in the gut, and I hate that feeling. But if I don't feel to TTC anymore, why do I get this feeling still?
I just want to be normal and have a baby all on our own. I don't want Doctor's to be involved. I don't want to time everything, I don't want to think about it all the time. Its just too much.
So at this point I don't know what lies ahead for us/me. Maybe at some point it will change...but after almost 6 months of "healing" since the miscarriage, I still don't feel any different. I don't want to go back to the TTC world...I really don't.

Why?

Today I was happy. Had a lovely day with a friend/friends yesterday...was feeling better about plans DH and I were making. Feeling happy and excited about planning our first vacation since 06 and to our favorite place, DISNEYLAND. Then out of the blue the phone rings this morning. DH hands me the phone after someone asks for me.

Lady: Is this Tami?

Tami: Yes?

Lady: Hi this is your lactation consultant from WIC, I was hoping to be able to talk with you before you delivered your baby!"

Tami: Silence. And then "I miscarried."

Lady: Oh I'm so sorry, I must have old paperwork. Was this your first?

Tami: At this point wanting to scream at her YES! And we tried for 6 years for our first! And now here you are making it so I can't just pretend this month isn't my biggest nightmare come true. But I just mumble, "yes".

Lady: Oh well I wish you well with everything.

Hang up.

I mean seriously, I can understand this lady was doing her job, but do they not understand how this could tail spin someone down a hole for awhile?? We know SOMEONE there knows because DH called and told them about a week after it happened.
I was so jumbled at that point, neither of us had any clue something like this was coming. I immediately started sobbing at this point, and after that my whole body just went numb. You all have to realize I have been suffering from depression since the miscarriage. I haven't gotten any help, but today was kind of scary. I have never felt that pit of darkness so deep before. For about an hour it was like I wasn't even aware of what was happening around me. DH was shaking me, and I couldn't even find enough awareness to respond. So needless to say I have an appointment with a Dr next Thursday to get me on anti depressants. So goodie, two doctor's visits next week. :P
I hope though after the appointment this fog I have been living in will lift. I want this to be a good year, and it really seems like it can be. But not with this depression cloud hanging over me....
Anyhow...today sucks.