The year is dying in the night...

This has been a very hard year for me. I was thinking back over the year, and honestly after July it all became a blur. I can't even really remember the end of Summer, Fall or even when it turned cold. Its all just a blur of pain, sorrow, and grief.
Right now I feel kind of lost. After trying another round of Femara in November, and having it be negative, for some reason I feel beat. I feel no desire to even try anymore. And that is strange for me. So right now, everything just seems to be suspended. I have no clue what the next year will bring, and as of right now, it doesn't include any IF treatments. It might at some point, but I feel I need to separate myself from it.
I have been thinking a lot lately how not having children, ISN'T the end of the world. I want them desperately. But I have a wonderful Husband, and I know if we try, we could have an interesting and fullish life without them. I hate thinking that way, but coming up on 7 years of waiting, I am tired of waiting. I don't know, I think I just need time to recover in every way, and then I will be ready to face the IF world again.
So the plan is we are not doing any IF treatments until probably June of 2011. Then we will reevaluate. I want to try to drop as close to 50 pounds as I can by then (hahaha), but I will try my hardest to get there. We are also planning to run a 5K in May. So hopefully there will be happiness, good memories, and laughter next year. I not even asking for a baby next year. Just not the cloud hanging over me anymore. Having a fun year with DH and being able to accomplish some other goals besides TTC.
So Happy New Year, and may 2011 be the best year yet! :)

Merry Christmas and 2011!

I have just wanted this year to end. For some reason I think it will leave the grief of losing our baby in the past. Probably not true, but the new year is always refreshing for me. One reason for this is we are going to buckle down and start training hard for our 5K in May. I have gained somewhere around 5 pounds and about 1 inch on every measurement I take. Oi. NOT good for PCOS. I am almost positive it has messed my LH up greatly, so I'm not even sure this cycle is even going to be a complete one.
DH and I are at odds about where to go from here. I am DESPERATE to be pg, and for me that means bypassing reason. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, he is right that we need some time off. But I don't care! I want that baby in my arms like yesterday! But he is right, and I am really trying to give in to reason, but its hard. I do really want to lose weight. I know that it has helped with LH so I have to assume if I lose more, I will be sitting pretty. Ideally I would like to lose about 50 more pounds. So I'm thinking if we try hard we could be there about summer or end of summer. Maybe not though, PCOS is a fickle little disease. Sometimes it releases its grip sometimes it won't. But I know that I would be happier at that weight, I would be able to do more things and I would have a healthier pregnancy. And I want to have a cute little round belly, and at this point I don't see that happening with my gigantic stomach.
Anyways, I have several goals set aside for 2011, and I am hoping to met all of them. They aren't anything major. But they will be important things to me!
Anyways, Merry Christmas to all my blog readers, and a Happy New Year. I hope that truly all your wishes come true!!! :)

For My Baby...

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.
I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face
I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

~ by Wanda Bencke

Turning Point

Yesterday and today have been a turning point for me. I don't even know if I can totally explain everything that has happened. Some of it is so personal that it would never make sense to anyone but me. Some if it is SO odd, that it still wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. But I will try to explain a little.
I have come to the realization that my biggest problem with Infertility is I want to carry it all on my own. I want to shoulder the burden and shut off those around me trying to help me carry all the things that come with it. And that is a stupid, stupid move. I thought to myself yesterday about how is this working for you? Seems like its working real well! (Enter rolling eyes here) You are sad and mopey. You don't love and dote on your husband. Your cats have been neglected, oh and have you seen the state of your house today?? So as you can tell, it is not working. Not in any sense of the word.
I feel out of balance. In every way possible. Physically, all of my hard work from earlier this year is gone. I have gone back to eating all of the ridiculous food I was eating before. I have gained around 5 pounds in a matter of a month. I have cried, and cried and cried. So mentally I am out of balance. And Spiritually, I am non-existent. I have this stupid idea that when things get hard, to just shut the spiritual side of my life off. I have no idea why, because this starts the being out of balance. So I have set goals. I set them last night, and so far today has been a failure. But I did one thing good today, I took a walk out in the sun. You might wonder why this is so significant. Well, it is because I don't do that. I don't leave my house usually unless I am with my hubby or have plans. I decided I needed some time in the sun, so I took a much needed walk with a friend. And it helped brighten the rest of my day.
And I know tomorrow will better. I will make another change that will be great and good for me. I have figured out that I am letting infertility have too much control in my life, and I no longer want it to have that kind of power of me. So I will make the changes. I will pick up my scriptures, I will attend church, I will pray for help. I will ask my Savior to help me shoulder this burden, and I will wait and be patient while He works to do that. I will love and appreciate my husband. Infertility will always be there. I will still be working on my goal of being a Mom. But starting today my goal is to not let it control my life. Not let it dictate who I will become.

Where, when my aching grows,
where, when I languish, where, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching
in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.
~Where Can I Turn for Peace, LDS Hymn #129 (vs. 3&4)

Who am I?

I swear I have wrtiten about this before, so sorry if it seems to be a repeat post. I have been thinking about myself lately...who I am, what I am...and I really had to look closely to see I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. I am like a hollow shell of the person I used to be. So much grief, so much sorrow, so much anger and jealousy. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I miss the happy go lucky girl that used to LOVE Christmas, who used to LOVE Summer, who used to be happy with simple things. Now it just seems like that person is gone, and been replaced with someone so dark and sad all the time. I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to. I cry more then I used to.
So I don't know. I have some things to figure out and think about. I have been really thinking lately about seeing a psycholigist, so I might pursue that after the Holiday's if this still lingers. But something has got to give, I can't keep living like this...
This cycle we aren't doing anything. We decided it would just be to stressful since everything would fall around Christmas. I just didn't want to deal with it all. I am not really sure where we are headed though. I don't feel good about going forward but we can't afford IVF or Adoption at this point. Hopefully things will be clearer after some time to think about it all.

First Failed Cycle...

since our miscarriage, and I find myself on the edge. I don't know why, but for me there just seems to be a fork in the road. People will say, "you have so much more to try!" Yes its true we haven't tried IVF, or injectible drugs either. But financially right now those options aren't even available to us. And I just have to wonder if its just not meant to be. If we timed everything perfectly, and I know we did with this cycle, why didn't it work? Is it some cosmic sign that we are not destined to be parents, at least with a baby that has our DNA?
I built it up in my mind that we would get pregnant again. That this cycle would work because it was the same recipe as last time, and I had worked hard and was down 40 pounds! Haven't I proved that I am serious about wanting a baby? Was my hard work in vain? It really sure does seem that way.
We are nearing 7 years of waiting for our miracle, and I don't see it coming. I see us being destined to live out a childless life. Its horrible that money is always what stands in our way. If we could afford it, I would be starting the adoption process as we speak. But sadly we can't pay for a baby. If I could I would be trying something else...
So, at this point I really don't know what lies ahead. I am tired in every way possible. I am drained of any courage and strength to go forward. I feel defeated. I am almost feeling its time to give up on this dream and to move forward somehow...I guess we will see what happens in the coming weeks...

Roller Coaster...

There is no better way to explain my life the past week. One minute I am confident and on the top of the hill on the roller coaster, the next I'm in the deepest part of the valley ready to throw in the towel and say its too hard.
I knew it would be hard getting back into the TTC game. But, this first cycle has been more hard then I remember any of my others being. I know its because its the first cycle we have tried since we lost the baby, and that right there brings a lot of other emotions in to play. And you add those to the hormones already pumping through my body, and it is NOT a good combination!
Nate told me he is sick of this cycle because I am driving him nuts. Well, I do understand that, but if he is nuts by the little contact he has with me, he should think about me having to live with my brain 24/7!!!
I just for some reason hope and pray that I am pregnant before my due date rolls around. But I know that is asking a lot. I was talking to my Dad about my Mom last night and just asking about her history. She had at least 2 miscarriages, 1 still birth and 1 unwanted abortion. My Dad said it took her at least a year to get pregnant again after her miscarriages. So that popped my bubble a little. But I also talked more with him about my little sister Amanda's still birth. And it really touched me, because I now can understand how hard that must have been for my mom. And her having to choose to abort the other baby who they named Elizabeth. You bond with the baby so fast as soon as you know they exist. I read somewhere, I can't remember where, about how the divine nature of a woman is to nurture, protect, and love. And as soon as she knows that baby is growing inside her she becomes all those things to it. And I believe it. I remember just being in awe of this little life growing inside me and begging it and my Heavenly Father to let it stay with us. I can't imagine being my mom and going through almost 9 months of having that little one grow inside me just for her to pass away.
I know there are many people out there praying for us, and I know that that is where I draw a lot of my strength and courage to keep trying. Right now these infertility treatments are our only option. So, we keep going with it. I just want to tell those who read my blog and constantly say loving, kind, encouraging words, that they are SO appreciated. I remember when I first started to realize, clear back 5 years ago or so, that there was going to be a problem with us getting pregnant. I wanted to hide it from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I was broken. But I have found a lot of healing since I have started opening up about my struggles. I have felt them become lighter through loving neighbors and friends. I have felt the happiness that comes from being able to help others, to sympathize with them. Even if its not the same exact trials. It has made my heart more able to see the suffering and sorrow so many carry with them.
So, back to the roller coaster I go! If you hear screaming, its just me! :)

It's just TORTURE!

Getting pregnant is torture. It feels like its always waiting. And I am so tired and sick of it all! You wait for your period to end, you take your meds. Then you wait for your ultrasound, then you wait to ovulate, then you wait to find out if it worked. I mean its just really torture. Nearing 7 years of it especially is making it seem REALLY old.
Sometimes I really do feel like just giving up. Moving on and saying you know what? We are done trying. If it happens great. If not, then lets have an interesting life anyways. It almost feels like you are holding your breath, and if you let it out, it will be the end of the world.
As some point I will give up. But I am not sure where that point is. Sometimes I think its close, sometimes I think its far away. I feel just like I am treading water just trying to keep my head above water and giving up means the end of the world too.
*Sigh* Just ready for things to get better, move forward...something to happen! Sheesh!

What is that weird feeling???

Is it...PRIDE?? Seriously. I am notorious with those that know me that I consistently NEVER see something through. I give up on stuff, mostly myself, way easy. But today I ran a mile in 11 minutes 45 seconds. That is awesome for me. And if I can squeak in 4.6 more pounds I will have lost 50 pounds since April. Normally by this point I would be totally back at my old habits, gaining back everything I had lost. But this time I feel like its attainable for me. So what if it takes me 3 more years to lose the next 50 that I would like to lose? Who cares??
You might be thinking this isn't infertility related, but really it is. Because when I got my diagnoses of PCOS last September, after many years of suspecting it, it felt like a life sentence. That I would always be fat, that I would always be childless, that I would always have acne, lose my hair, and have messed up hormones. But as I have pushed my OWN boundaries, I have found out that its not true. Sure maybe some of the other things might not change, but I have changed my life for the better, and proved to MYSELF that my destiny is in my hands. And if I do some of my own work, of growing and changing, things might not have to be the way they seem.
I hope beyond all hope that this brings me my dream of a baby. But I think there are more important lessons to be learned along the way. Like its important to have goals. Its important to pick yourself and dust yourself off and keep trying to reach your goals, even if at moments they seem unattainable.
I am just super proud today. :)

Bring the Rain...

My friend Vicki blogged about a Christmas song, and it inspired me to write about a song that has come to mean alot to me over the past month or so. Bring the Rain by MercyMe.


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

I will just leave it at that. It really explains how I feel about my Savior...and I don't know what I would do without Him!

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I cannot compute....

How stupid I can be at times...I mean really?? Its there for you and black and white everywhere and yet you choose to pretend its not true!!!
Case in point:
Sitting here thinking about my meds, and suddenly the light bulb comes on. Uhhh. You haven't taken your prenatals for like a week or more?? Hello?? Moron.
2nd Case in point:
I know PCOS is a hormonal issue. I know that there are DIRECT LINKS between what you eat, how you eat, and how much you exercise. But I like to pretend its not true. Like I am not looking at it so its not there right?
Yeah. I'm a moron. But, I can cut myself a little slack, because hey, I just can. When you are taking as many meds as I am, and having to remember what day it is, and planning your life around Doctor's appointments, there is bound to be a few slip ups. I just wish the 2nd case in point were not happening. It is the one irritating me the most.
I need a good brain scrubbing to get me back on track...no clue how to do that though, and it sounds dangerous. :P

Numbness

I realized today while my brain is going a mile a minute that I am numb to a lot of things. I used to just CRY when I would hear people are pregnant. My reaction now? "Figures". That's right. I am numb. I don't feel that whiplash across my heart anymore when I hear someone is pregnant. Phase? Maybe. It kind of stinks to have all this armor around my heart. But, its the only way I figured out to protect myself.

Its so interesting to me how people forget how much a miscarriage hurts. I feel like people just want to ignore the fact that I lost a child. That still to this day that pain and hurt is right there in my heart. It has only faded a little. Maybe its because they have never experienced it? Maybe its because they don't know what to say? Maybe its because they think that I should have gotten over it, I mean it was only the most blissful, happy, joyful, life changing 9 weeks of my life! Why am I NOT OVER IT???

I have to try to be numb towards these things though. The pain is to real to just add another whiplash to my heart. People disappoint you. I have disappointed people. I have hurt people's feelings. But I KNOW this experience has made me realize that compassion is probably the greatest thing to give someone. I hope I never forget that. Even if someday I get my dream of having my own baby. I hope I never forget to show compassion to those around me.

And I hope I also don't get SO wrapped up in my baby/husband/little family that I forget there are other's out there who need me to reach out to them. God didn't put me through this trying experience just to totally forget it when I finally have my baby in my arms. I know He did it for me to understand many people, and understand their suffering. I have already seen this purpose in play.

This post is all over the place. I often wish I could write like so many wonderful blog writers I know. They just write how they feel so eloquently. I sound like an insane person...and that kind of makes sense! Hahaha.

Just call me Mrs. Grinch...

I know these are going to be the hardest holiday's emotionally that I have ever faced. I feel myself being sucked down by depression, and I am trying with all my might to claw myself out of it. This Christmas probably would have been the second greatest of all time for me. We would have gotten baby items as gifts. There would have been a lot of anticipation as the baby would have been due only a dozen or so weeks from now. Next Christmas would have been the best finally having my little family together. I keep trying to console myself by saying that its still a possibility for next Christmas. But, I miss my baby, and really how do you console yourself?

I know my spirit is not in good shape either. I think spiritually there are some unanswered questions about why I have been tested in this way. After waiting for so long be given a glimpse of what my life should be/could be just to have it ripped from me after only 9 weeks...its not that I am angry at God so much, but more of a "why?". I know its my limited view and if I could see Eternity His purposes would be clear blah blah blah. That doesn't help me right now when my arms ache for my baby...I try to remember that at least He understands how very real this pain is. How constant, how empty my life feels. I have to think that way...

So, as you can tell the title suits this post completely right? Have I gotten you all depressed?? Geez...Sorry for the downer on your holiday season, but I hope that it reminds some people that its easy to get caught up with our own families, our own shopping, our own happiness, that we forget to look around us to see that others are lonely, and sad this Christmas.

I am thankful for the blessings I do have though, especially my husband. Sometimes him and my cats are the only things that keep me going. So there are blessings even for those that aren't able to have the life we wish for.

The prayer in my heart this holiday season is that I don't have much longer to wait for my miracle. That my turn to have my dream come true, my prayer answered is not too far away....

Take that PCOS!!!

So. Here it is. I am no longer on break. Technically haven't been since earlier this month. I had a Dr's appointment today to get my prescriptions to start trying again next cycle. YAY! Good News: I Ovulated on my OWN!!!!!! Huge for me! Bad News: We weren't trying hard enough. So there really is no way its this month. BUT. Good News: I have really high optimism that I will respond well to the drugs, and will hopefully be pregnant soon. Prayers, thoughts, anything really is appreciated!!
I am also still cyst free which is GREAT. I was worried that I wouldn't be. So. All in all, it was a very encouraging visit. Have 2 weeks to wait for my next cycle, and then we are in the race again! :D
40 pounds lost so far, and it seems it has REALLY helped my body. So what will ANOTHER 40 pounds do??? I am intrigued!! (Unless of course I get pregnant before then!)

It's Tough...

As the first of the "family" holiday's approach, I start to get a little wary. I hate that its just 3+ straight months of family and children. We kind of get pushed to the side, and let the "real" families have their time. Don't get me wrong. Someday when I am hopefully a mother, I will LOVE the holidays. But now, especially after losing my little angel, I feel an even bigger hole in my heart. This Christmas would have been full of anticipation of bringing our first miracle into the world. We would have gotten baby supplies as gifts. We would have been having fun buying cribs and carseats, and being anxious, and wondering if we would make good parents...
I hope they aren't hard for me, but I have learned that the grief is buried inside until something comes along to rip the hole open again...I am expecting January to be a hard month...I sometimes wonder if I will even survive it.
I'm trying to hold on to hope. And praying that this baby tries to come to our family again VERY soon. For now I am going to try to be in survival mode. Wish me luck.

Prespective from the other side! (Hubby!)

This is Nathan writing here. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to follow Tami and her thoughts and feelings on what we’ve been enduring over the past six and a half years. I would like to try to finally write and share some of the feelings I’ve had about the infertility struggles we’ve had.
I am a very un-emotional person. Over the course of my life I learned to just hold my feelings in and not show them outwardly. I think somewhere psychologically it was ingrained in me that showing emotion was weakness.
Over the years that I’ve been married to Tami she’s been able to help me express my emotions more frequently. Coaxing me that just sharing how I feel at the time to open up communication between us and create a closer relationship.
Infertility has been a harder thing for me to cope with than people might think it has. I don’t think many who read or follow this blog know me very well, but I’ve grown up absolutely adoring children. I grew up the oldest of seven children. I also had seven 2nd cousins growing up that we saw at least every Sunday. This meant that I had plenty of opportunities to baby-sit and otherwise interact with young children. I find some of the greatest joy in life in cuddling a child in my arms, chasing them around a room or a yard, playing a game with them, any interaction that can produce a smile on their face. I once remember a talk that a leader in our Church gave in Conference. (General Conference is a bi-annual gathering where leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints speak to us and give us advice and warnings) In her talk she spoke of being “creators” and she said, “If you’ve ever coaxed a smile out of a child, that makes you a creator.” I remember how warmly I felt upon hearing that, because it made me feel that my relationship with the children in my life had actual meaning.
So naturally, after I met and married Tami, having children together was the next big step that I was looking forward to. After about three months of marriage we decided to give it a shot so we tried…..and we tried….and we tried….. I spent the most of six and a half years supporting Tami as she dealt with the emotions of infertility I think I often hid my own or put them on the backburner. This is what I’ve wanted MOST out of life for SO long and now it seems that it may not ever happen for me.
The feelings of inadequacy and feeling left out started coming in. I often kept feeling, “Will I never be able to hold a child in my arms and say, ‘This is mine!’?” Will I never be able to have that feeling of their first steps? First day of school, their first date, all experiences my friends and family were going to be able to enjoy. Am I going to be watching them from the sideline?
It’s not to say that the void is left completely wide open. I am very proud to be an Uncle to seventeen of the cutest nieces and nephews in the world! I love the relationship I have with them. To see them smile and run into my arms (or even to run away from me giggling) really can make my day and helps heal the hurt I carry from not being a father. But after spending time with them the other side of the coin flips over. Though I love them and have a great relationship with them, they’re not MY children. I’m not the one who they see after getting up in the morning, I’m not the one they turn to when they have problems at school, I’m not the one that tucks them in at night. Also, one day I will not be a huge part of their lives as an Uncle. Those parts of my relationship with children are still left unfilled.
Now, it’s getting to be hard to even watch others have children without getting emotional. We were even watching “Friends” the other day and the episodes that were rotating around Chandler and Monica finding out they were going to get a baby made me tear up. It brought the need and want of a child of my own directly to my heart at that moment. We really want to start trying again as soon as possible, but finances are really tough and we have other burdens to take care of at the moment.
I love Tami so much and want to give her everything. But I know what she wants most is to become a mother and I haven’t been able to give that to her. I know that she has conditions that play a part in our fertility but I can’t help but wonder what I contribute (or what I don’t) towards our struggles that we’ve endured.
“One day”….that’s all I can put as a closing to what I write about our attempts at having children. That expresses our hope as we look toward the future, perhaps one day we will finally be holding our own child in our arms. We will be so grateful when that day comes and look forward to a lifetime of caring, loving, struggling, bonding and so much more when that blessed child comes to join our family!

Sunday was a hard day...

We were sitting in Sunday School near a little baby probably around 4 months old or so. And the whole meeting I was just holding back tears. I was about to turn to DH and scream..."WE ARE TRYING AGAIN!" My arms just ache badly to hold my baby...I want so desperately to be a Mom...someday's its the all consuming thought, all day long. I don't want to be on break. I hate being on break. Why do I have to be on break????
I'm trying to keep myself out of the depression spiral, I have felt it lift a little over the past couple of weeks. So I don't want to do this to myself. Its hard.
I am just ready to be a Mom....

The Weather Matches My Mood...

Sour...you know one of those days (weeks...months...) where you want to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in behind you? That's me. Finding out people are pregnant...finding out people are having a life. Mine is done...stalled. And I'm asking myself, why am I still here? 6 and a half years of infertility...3 years of being stuck living with family...when does it end? Feels like all of my life is just an endless round of garbage.
Yeah. I probably need to get treated for depression. But I am SO sick of doctors...dentists...anything and everything to do with medical/health professionals I have given myself permission to take some time off.
But seriously. My life is at a stand still. At least when we were in our own place I had a home to be proud of. Something to call mine. Now its just living off the mercy of others. And no matter what I/we try to do, it doesn't get any better. The money situation doesn't change. The car situation doesn't change. The place we have to live doesn't change...
I'm getting so sick of it, that I just am ready to be done. If I'm not learning, changing, growing, progressing anyway, what's the point? Isn't that why I am here?
Life sucks. Period. End of story.

Infertile and LDS...and other things...

Just wanted to write about what it means to me to be infertile and be a member of the church I belong to. For those who don't know, our church is special, in that we believe that families can be eternal. We believe that through sacred ordinances performed here on earth, it binds us together as a family.


Because our church is unique, its hard to fit in if you don't fit in with the family persona. Honestly I feel damaged. I feel like I'm not good enough to sit with the ladies in our weekly church meeting together because I'm different somehow. I feel like my true potential is wasted. That what I was sent here to do, to fulfill, is never going to happen. I'm defective essentially.


I know in God's eyes He doesn't see me that way. I understand that. I have felt that. I know that He loves all His daughters whether they are mother's or not. BUT. That doesn't help with the feeling of alienation that comes along with not being able to fulfill the most fulfilling thing that would happen in this life...


I feel at times no matter what I do, my life will never have the meaning it COULD have had. It won't matter if I get some prestigious job, or I win the Noble Peace Prize. I will never, EVER, feel complete in this life. And that's a hard thing to live with day in and out. Some days I don't succeed. Probably a lot of days...I question what's the point?


I had this discussion with my WONDERFUL Dad last night which is why it has been on my mind. He asked me pointedly. Well what support are you expecting? It was hard to answer being asked so pointedly what I was expecting. But the answer came. FRIENDSHIP. As we talked about it though, I realized the one thing that I need, I probably will never get. Women have families....husbands and children needing to be taken care of. This takes up probably 90 percent of their life. And the rest is spent doing things for the church or doing things for themselves. I don't fit in there either. I want to have a friend that I can call up and chat too. I want a friend who will go have lunch with me. Who I see at least a few times a week. Who knows me...who I can do the GIRL things with...


And here she is...

There is the woman that would have fulfilled the role I'm longing for now....someone I know only from pictures and what others have told me. Really a stranger. But just like my baby...someone who left a hole in my heart.
So this post has taken on a life of its own. I'm not looking for sympathy, just telling it like it is. Its hard to be a part of my religion and try to fit in...but the reason I keep going back is because I need the relationship with God. I'm not sure what His purpose is in all this, maybe I will never know. All I can do is survive...just like everyone else...

Birth Control...here I come...

Yep, have an appointment this friday to get it started. In good news I finally had my first period since the miscarriage, and it was a breeze really. Minus the total PMS that had me screaming at my hubby for a few days (poor guy). I don't know how my Dr is going to feel about us taking an extended break, but we gots to do what is best for us finanically/health/emotional wise. I'm quite worried about taking birth control though, just because one of the side effects I always here of is weight gain. My Dr even mentioned it to me when we were talking about taking a break in the first place.
I have gotten some recommendations from some ladies with PCOS though for which ones are good, and I'm thinking I'm going to opt for Ortho-Trycyclin LO. But we will see what my Dr says. I am just praying for no weight gain.
So, that's what is new with me. I feel like this blog is becoming useless because we aren't really trying anymore. But I know its good for me to be able to let my feelings out, and write.
So wish me luck on this new experience! :)

Delayed Reaction...

So first off, the post before this was supposed to be on my family blog...lol. I noticed it the day after I posted it, and well, I just don't care.
Its been a rough couple of days. Something inside me just feels like it has snapped. As I have been thinking about how my mind deals with grief, I think that delayed reaction is it exactly. I remember when my Grandma died in 2006 I cried right away. I cried at the funeral. But it wasn't until 3 or 4 months after that I really grieved. I don't know if its just a defense mechanism that I have built inside of myself to make coping with everything after someone dies easier...I'm not sure. But needless to say here I am 2 months after I lost my little baby, and the grief is more consuming then ever. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep and cry. I'm trying hard not to let the depression win. But so far it is.
Maybe people think less of me by reading this. But like I said, I would be honest about my feelings. This week has just been a struggle and I'm really hoping that its not one of those lingering depressions.
September has some fun things in it. But its just such a strong reminder to me that I would have known what sex my baby was. I just can't wrap my mind around the grief that is in my heart and soul. And while there is a part of me that is desperate to try again, there is a bigger part of me that doesn't ever want to try, ever again. I don't know if I could handle losing another part of myself, which is essentially how I feel about the miscarriage...like part of my soul was ripped out of me.
I feel like sharing what I wrote about a month ago. I am NOT good at poetry...but I like to write because it makes me feel better to get my feelings out. I don't even think of it as a poem...its just kind of there...

Empty arms that long to hold you.
Lonely heart that longs to love you.
Barren tummy that misses its roundness.
Dreams and hopes that are dashed to pieces.

Consuming grief with no ending.
Quiet home missing memories.
Whispered prayers full of longing.
Tears on a pillow, never ceasing.

Ours for seconds, but ours forever.
Your memory forever etched on our hearts.
We try to move on, find happiness again.
But we will never forget those seconds with you...

Update...

I thought since it had almost been a month since I updated, I should. So the 2 people that read my blog will keep reading. LOL.

So this month has mostly been full of Dental work. I went in for an xray and to talk about what work I needed done. It was horrible. I started crying so bad the dentist had to give me the gas to make me stop. It was that bad. Weird thing is though right after we left Nate's tooth started bothering him. 2 days later he looked like a chipmunk. I should tell him to give me that picture he took of his face all swollen. He had an impacted tooth, which is essentially a tooth that has become infected. We had to get a hold of the dentist on Sunday, he sent over some prescriptions for pain and amoxicllin to get the infection out. He ended up having to go to a dentist though and have his gum cut to let the infection out. Then I got to have a root canal later that week, and then he had one a week later. Then I had 2 hours of fillings on half of the teeth that need them. Now we both need crowns, and I have more filling waiting for me! So yeah, the dental bills are piling up...just what we need!

Other then that it has been a really quiet month for us. Nate has been trying to pick up extra shifts to try to help cover the costs of the dental work, so most the time I am home alone... :P Not the funnest thing, but I am grateful for a husband who will work that hard.

September will be a fun month. Nate's 30th Birthday is coming up and we have some fun ideas for what we are going to do. So I'm sure I will blog about that later.

Here is just a few recent pics I wanted to add.

Just recent cuteness. Not crazy about the pic...but it is what it is!

My new hair cut, and color. My friend Katie is so awesome, I just love my hair!!

A Hard Day...

Today was a hard one....after seeing about 3 women with big bellies at Ross, I turned to DH and said "we would have been finding out what we were having soon." We about had a break down right there in the store.
Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. And I hate the days when it hits you right between the eyes. I really am hoping and praying we get to go to Disneyland next Spring...we have not had enough fun lately...

MIA...

My monthly cycle that is. Yep. Over 5 weeks out from the D&C and she has yet to show up. See this is what I HATE about PCOS. It doesn't matter that statistically you are more fertile after a miscarriage. PCOS doesn't play by the rules, at all...
I know I should be going in to get a progesterone shot, but I have 3 dentist appointments looming in front of me. I figure do as much as I can handle, and the root canal I am facing tomorrow has gotten me pretty much frazzled. I don't need to add needing to run to the bathroom in there.
Yep so next month we would have found out what sex the baby was. I am still in the "why did this even happen, what was the purpose" phase of things. Was it to give us hope? Was it to give us a glimpse into what its like to experience everything? I really don't know...and maybe there is no answer for me.
I have been tempted to see if we could do 1 cycle next month. There is a huge part of me that wants to, but there is also a part of me that wants to make this a true break. But it is hard when we have all the prescriptions for the meds...we got pregnant on the first cycle, I keep thinking if this is proof that we could be lucky and have it happen again. But then I think of going through a loss again so soon...could I emotionally handle that? I don't know...
See how unfun it is to be in my brain? These circles just run around endlessly in my mind! Its so hard coming into this world without some type of road map...some type of future vision. I sometimes feel like I am stumbling around in the dark.
Well, if you don't see me blog ever again you will know the root canal did indeed kill me. I'm not ruling that out as a possibility. (Yes this is a true indication of how totally freaked out I am over it....) Wish me luck!

A Breath of Fresh Air

I feel like I will always be a childless woman. I know someday that might change. But right now, its like this cloud that hovers over me. It feels as though there is ALWAYS something to remind me about the miscarriage or the fact that I don't have children. I see someone from my past, and though they were a year or two younger then me, they already have 4 children. And seeing them is always inevitiably followed by "so do you have kids?" And I know in the future it will be replaced with "so do you have any grandkids?"
I look at the date on a calander and I can't help be think, "I would be this many weeks...we would be getting close to finding out the sex...my belly would be getting bigger..." It goes on. I don't even want to begin thinking about how I will feel when my due date comes around. And next year is my 10 year high school reunion. While I would love to go, its something I will have to think about as the time gets closer.
But I know there is a reason for all of this. God has proven to me time and time again that He see's the beginning and the end. And while I may not see a reason for it right now, I will in time.
I read this last night, and it was one of those moments where I feel God is speaking directly to me and giving me comfort.

"...Sing O barren, thou that didst not bare; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child...
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed but my kindess shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." --3 Nephi 22:1,7,8,10

Some things that are right...are just so WRONG!

Being on break just stinks. BIG TIME. I mean, I know there are a TON of reasons why we are on break. And they all are good reasons. But its hard. As much as I hate being in the thick of it all...I actually want to be back there, actively trying.
Things have been good for Hubby and I. The break has taken the pressure off and we are starting to have more fun together. The mood is just more relaxed. And its been good. I just can't imagine waiting a WHOLE YEAR to start trying again.
I am still trying to deal with the miscarriage. I am ok most the time, but then there are times I think about how far along I would be at this time, and I can't help but shed a few tears. I miss my baby desperately...but I also have faith in my Heavenly Father that He knows what's best. And whatever the reason was our baby couldn't come to Earth at this time was a good reason.
I was reading on the r house blog today (you can find the link on the left side under my blog list) and she was talking about how eventually going through infertility made her feel special, and unique. And most the time I do feel that way. I get more time with husband, (who makes me laugh so hard....I will have to eventually tell the story of "bum pits" because it still makes me laugh and smile to this day!!). I have more free time to pursue things I would like to learn. I have quiet time to think and ponder things of a spiritual nature. I get to spend countless hours talking to my wonderful Dad, and I know I will cherish those hours when he is gone. There are many positives to a childless life. But there is always an ache in my heart...
So I will continue to struggle forward, and learn how to cope with it all. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and it has brought my anxiety out of the woodwork again...which stinks. I have pretty horrible teeth like my mom and grandparents. All of my molars have some type of decay on them. So it will take awhile to get it all under control. If its not one thing, its another, and I just feel like what more can this body take? Seriously??
But like my Dad said to me "You will get through it. It will be hard, but just like everything else, you will get through it."
And I will. :)

Going on Break After All...

We will be taking a break from infertility treatments, probably for a year. I have 3 teeth that are in really bad shape, and Nate has probably twice as many. So we are going to focus on that for the next while. While its sad, we have neglected our teeth for WAY too long. I will probably blog on my family blog more then this one for now, you can find it on the right hand side called Journey Towards Forever. TTFN! :)

Hard To Start Over Again....

So, today was my first Dr's appointment since my D&C. Just a check up to see what was going on, how we were. I was very surprised and happy that my Dr asked us how we were doing emotionally. I know some women have to be on Anti-Depressants after miscarriages, and I feel very fortunate that I haven't spiraled into a depression. I have to say I know that its because of 2 things. One is my husband, he has been such a support, so sweet and caring, and optimistic. The other is my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of His great plan, and that He is watching over me. I would feel so lost without this knowledge.

The Dr's appointment wasn't very easy. Being there just brought back all the feelings of what happened. Not to mention everywhere I turn there is a big belly bump....that's the hardest part I think of going to the Dr's.

So we are back on the treatment road. Just waiting for a fresh cycle to start and then begins the drugs, shots, and ultrasounds...how I have learned to hate that ultrasound machine...it has become the bane of my existence I think. Well, that and my stupid weight issues...but that's another post. Its funny because the nurses don't even give me instructions anymore in the ultrasound room. They know I just know.

I just pray that we are blessed with another baby soon. My Dr is optimistic, and so am I. It will happen when its supposed to, this I know for sure. The waiting is hard. The trying is hard. But it will all be worth it in the end.

I also wanted to share my new necklace. I got it from the r house, you can find her blog here: http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ she has a store on Etsy, you can find it on the right hand column of her blog. I just decided what I wanted and asked for it. I love it...it already has a very special meaning for me. There is something about the little jade bird that touches me...I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I feel like my baby grew wings, or maybe I feel like I'm growing wings after all the experiences I have been through. I'm not sure. Anyhow! I highly recommend her stuff.

Well, its just a waiting game (again!). I'm sure I will be blogging more now, so I hope you will all check back often. :)

The Reality...

Is...
...I am completely and absolutely devastated.
...I am afraid to start crying, because when I do it lasts for hours and feels like I will never stop.
...My heart is broken.
...This is probably harder then anything else I have experienced.
...I am terrified of this happening again and again, the innocence of pregnancy is gone for me forever.
...I want to scream when I realize I am back at square one and facing treatments, pills, shots, hours at the Dr's office, and tons of money out the door if I want this to happen again.
...I really wonder why this had to happen to me when millions of women have happy and healthy first pregnancies.
...People just expect me to be "over it" and I'm just not, and really don't know if I ever will be.
...I can hardly stand to think of the milestones I would have been hitting, and I am terrified for when my due date comes around.
...Its made me question why even more, some people are given children when they don't deserve or even want them.
...I often wonder why if this is our trial, why we can't have more money...why this has to stand between me and my chance of trying again.
...Its made me realize how much I take my husband for granted, and how he truly is my best friend and soul-mate.
...I feel more grateful for the Spirit and its whisperings of comfort. I don't know how people live without it...I couldn't.
...I have developed a greater love and respect for my Savior. When I think about how I feel inside, and how He must have felt suffering for all the pains and sins of the world, how truly UNBEARABLE that must have been...
...I want to try again...but am still deciding when that will be...

The Worst Day

We found out our baby left us today. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. Its been very hard, so I don't know when I will be back to the infertility blogging world. We appreciate all the prayers and support. I will be back, hopefully soon.

Gotta do this...

Click on my other blog, Journey Towards Forever, on the right side of this blog to see something great! :)

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Emergency Emotional Shutoff...

Lately I have been thinking about how closed down I am emotionally. I'm trying to explore some of these things about myself while we are on break. I'm trying to learn why I am the way I am about things. Especially with TTC, mostly since starting treatments last fall, I have totally disconnected myself from the whole process. Emotionally I completely shutdown. If one cycle failed it would just be oh well, time to focus on what's next. And maybe that's normal. But it isn't for me. I feel the heartbreak in there, deep under many layers and locks. But lately I have a hard time just letting true emotion have its place in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I have turned my heart into stone. Things have been kind of strained and tense between Nate and I. We have a lot of stress hanging over us, and aren't sure how its all going to play out. But I feel emotionally disconnected from our marriage. I feel emotionally disconnected from myself, and from life. And I honestly don't know how to turn that around! I want to be able to let myself cry, or be angry, or hurt especially to be truly happy for a moment....but I feel I betray others when I am. Maybe even betray myself...I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone and it would feel good. What has happened to me? Has trying to get pregnant turned me into someone I don't recognize or even want to be?
I don't even know if these thoughts even really make sense. I'm sure some of what's happening is my body and souls way of protecting itself from the pain that surrounds me everyday. But I want to be to feel the pain sometimes, not be numb to it every second. I need to grieve. I need to feel emotion...I need to feel my heart beating and my soul still feeling alive. Maybe I need to seek professional help, I don't know. But something I think needs to happen for me to make it out of this process with my heart intact.
I have had a lot of hard things happen to me in my life. I saw a counselor awhile ago, who after hearing my story said, "It seems like your life has just been consumed with loss." And I couldn't disagree. My life has been hard. I know others out there definitely have it harder then I do. But that doesn't make my life any less hard. Sadly a lot of the things I have been through are there everyday....somehow I reminded that I'm severely overweight, or that my Mom isn't here, or that I don't have children....or that anxiety controls my life to the point where I can't even get out there and accomplish the worldly things I should be...I wish these things would just give me a break. Some rest. Some relief.
This will be a process. I'm sure I will talk about it more, as I explore this who topic within myself. And maybe even get help.... :)

Deep Breath

So, we are going on break from treatments. Not preventing, just taking a break from drugs and doctors visits. I feel relaxed about it, and glad that we can take the summer to accomplish some of our goals. But always in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should just keep going. Especially because this month we found a combination that was successful at making me Ovulate. But we need the break. Our marriage needs it, and I personally need it.
Mother's Day came and went. I survived. I have some really nice women in our neighborhood who care about me, but I mostly hibernated. Its a day where I give myself a break from pasting on the smile and pretending I'm happy about that new pregnancy announcement or hearing the "baby talk". Hubby doesn't really get it, and that's okay. I don't understand all of his feelings either. :)
My birthday is next month, I will be 27...inching closer and closer to that 30...I really thought when I was younger I would have kids by now. It is really heartbreaking, to the point where I don't even look forward to my birthday anymore. It is just another reminder for me, that life is just not what I thought it would be at this point.
*Sigh* Sorry about the depressing post. Its just been a long couple of weeks, and I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps. Hopefully summer will come along and I will get out of this funk. :) Toodles!

Activate: Hibernation Mode

MOTHER'S DAY....the dreaded holiday, that I have dreaded since even before TTC...man has this day ALWAYS been hard for me. Losing my Mom when I was but a tiny 4 year old girl, I remember in classes they would always do projects for Mom's. I would sit there and watch the other girls talk about how there mom's were going to love their gifts. And at church I would witness all the Mommy-worshipping....it has always been a hard day for me.
More and more this holiday reminds more and more of what I don't have in my life. A Mom to run to, when DH is being dumb....or to help me go through all these hard things with trying to get pregnant. My arms are empty of my own baby...
Yeah, its a hard holiday. I am not saying that Mom's don't deserve recognition. They do. Sometimes I think we forget the meaning of Church at times though. Even other day's then Mother's and Father's day. We are there to worship the Savior, and sometimes that gets lost a long the way.
It sounds like we will be spending Mother's Day with DH's family (enter eye roll here...I mean big grin!) It won't be that bad. I just want to hide out in my room that holiday though. I don't want the sympathy pats and hugs, and the sympathy "gift" on the way out of church, which usually ends up in the garbage.

*Sigh* I just miss my mom...and my baby.....

Happy NOT Mother's Day.

Glimpses...

Most Moms and Dads will disagree with this post, but to me it proves to me that my thought is accurate. I honestly believe that as Childless people we can get glimpses of what its like to be a parent. We have Furbabies who get sick, who need to be fed, and need attention. We watch our families kids, and at least I have watched them for sometimes a week at a time. So we learn what its like to lose sleep, to deal with emotional issues, to feel the tiredness that comes after chasing kids around for hours.
Today I had to take my precious baby Angel to get spayed. I sobbed....literally. I felt like my heart was ripped in two and I just could not stand leaving her there. So I got a glimpse of the heart wrench some parents go through.
But I firmly believe those who have NOT suffered with infertility don't know even in the slightest way what it feels like to be infertile. You just can't know. There is really no experience like it. I think about all the things, the endless doctor's visits, the medicines with all there side effects. The alienation by people you thought loved you and cared about you. (And I fully expect these people to want to be a part of our lives once we have kids, and they are in for a rude awakening...but that's a whole other post...) You feel defective. You wonder what the future holds for you, and it all the possibilities scare you. For me especially I think about when we are old...who will take care of us?? Who will help us when we are old and need help?? So far its looking like no one...
I have ran into people that have thought they could identify with infertility. But they were sadly mistaken. Why can't these people just accept they don't know, and want to learn more about how to support those who they know are suffering?
Even when I talk to mom's who "vent" to me how hard it is to be a mom, I know I can't understand in the way they do. I can think about the glimpses I have had when I have played the role of a parent. I think its just safe to assume when someone is talking, just caring is all that is required. Not advice, not some miracle cure that for some reason "no one" (ha!) has told us. Just remember we all need to feel someone cares. That's the most important thing...

Our Story...

I made this video today, to try to participate in NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) some more. Enjoy. :)

**Music is Dancing by Elisa. I love this song. :)

What if....?

What if I have to learn to live childless with a smile…forever?

Wow...talk about one of my biggest fears, and what crosses my mind all the time. How do you really live with a piece of your soul missing?

When DH and I met, I knew from watching him and listening to him that he loved children. He was wonderful with my nieces and nephews, his sibilings, his cousins...just a natural instinct to have children love him. What do you do when you are, because of your damaged body, denying the person you love most in the entire world, what he wants most in the entire world? Its heartbreaking.

How do you go on living like that? How do you reach 40 and 50, and hear silence echoing through your home, hear your friends gush about their grandchildren? Especially after enduring years and years of it being their children. It will feel as if the torture never ends. How will we even be able to smile at that point? Will I even be together with my husband...will the pain and the torture and sorrow have ripped us away from each other?

Can you smile when you get another pregnancy announcement? How do you smile when you are seeing your Dr for the 5th time that month, and the news is STILL bad? How do you smile when you find life, money, and sometimes even your marriage meaningless? How do you smile when you feel you don't belong to that elite club of parents? Can you smile when you just got your 50th negative pregnancy test? What about when your husband is sobbing on you and you feel its all your fault? How do you smile and console him? Where is a smile when you are totally broke and realize you have to decide between having a family, or bettering your situation in life? How do you make that choice, and how do you move on and smile?

Smile
tho' your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile... -Charlie Chaplin

What if I CAN smile even though we are childless...forever?

Holding on to joy, can go a long way. I believe if I try hard, I can find joy around me, even when my heart is hurting inside. For DH and I, there is still happy and wonderful times ahead, even if those times don't include our own children.

It will break my heart if down the road, we see a dead end. We are nearing that part of the road due to finances. But I know, there is a purpose for all that has happened and will happen to us.

I don't believe that the pain from infertility will ever leave. We will never know who we would have been, had this burden not been placed in front of us. But I know that my husband and I can look in each others eyes and find a smile there, even if its not visible. I know if we keep trying to together, we will have an amazing marriage that was worth every tear and heartache...and smile.

***Next week is National Infertility Week, (April 24-May 1st) RESOLVE has put together this Project IF to spread awareness.

If you would like to learn more about the basics of Infertility please go to: http:// www.resolve.org/infertility101

If you would like to know more about National Infertility Awareness Week check out: http:// www.resolve.org/takecharge

If you want to know more about Project IF head over to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

***I will be kicking of National Infertility Week at a Infertility seminar, I will let you know how it all goes! :)

What happened to my month of miracles?

I kept telling myself this all last week. This is a month of miracles! The resurrection, the fomration of the church...why can't it be a month of miracles for me??
For me, the possibility of bad news just doesn't seem to end. I was curious why I was getting + OPK's, having symptoms of an increase of progesterone, and nothing was happening. There is a condition called Lutenized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome. There is debate if it truly does exist because hormonally the woman still goes through the same hormone changes as if ovulation has occured. And I fit the symptoms almost to a t...the treatment is what is called a trigger shot (what I got this cycle). If the first one doesn't work, they are supposed to up the dose...then if that doesn't work...IVF. Can you believe that??? This is just nuts...
I want my miracle...even if it doesn't come through a positive pregnancy test...I just so desperately want to be a mom, and all the time that goes by the drive becomes even more consuming.
I just hope my time of miracles is coming...I'm getting a little impatient waiting...

Results are in....

GIANT CYST. Here is the story. I went on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see how I was responding to the Femara. There was some positive signs on the right side with a follicle of 22 MM. Perfect size to Ovulate out of. Well, I wasn't seeing my regular dr because he was out of town. This dr says, come back in on Friday and we will take another look. Went back in today and it had grown from 2.5 CM to 4.05!!!!!! How is that even possible?? I have no idea. Everyone I have talked to is as confused as me. The Dr gave me an HcG shot (in the butt of course) which is supposed to trigger ovulation, and now I am in SO much pain. This just really sucks. But it cemented in my decision to finally go see a specialist. So at the beginning of May we will start our journey with Reproductive Endocrinologist in Salt Lake. Ugh. Money, Money, Money. I hope they let us do things slowly so we can try to pay everything off...Its hard to figure out how to do that with an under 30,000 dollar a year salary. Geez.
We are also thinking if nothing has happened by September we are going to sign up with LDS family services adoption. Don't know if anything will happen of it. The good news is that Nate's company will reimburse for a big chunk of it. So, that may be where we end up. I guess we will see.
I am just praying I don't end up in the ER...the pain just keeps increasing...I don't know if it means the cyst is going to rupture, of if by some MIRACLE I am ovulating...I just don't want it to ruin my one good ovary.
It is hard to have a break down at the Dr's too. I held it together until we were walking out to the car...and I just lost it. I'm trying to have faith that Heavenly Father has a reason for doing this...its just hard to see that when your heart is aching.
So, I will let you all know what happens over the next little while. Probably not much. Oh and Nate and I decided to try out the South Beach Diet. Does anyone have the book they don't use anymore? LOL. I just hate to buy it. Especially because now we have to watch every dollar. So anyhow. I will keep you posted.

My life was changed yesterday...

...and everyday by the scriptures. Yesterday especially though. I was reading in 2 Nephi 9:39 "...to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."
This has really spoken to me over the last couple of days. Its true. When I focus on eternal principles, it makes things that are not going good or making my life harder, not so bad. Sure they still hurt, they are still hard. But, with eternal perspective they don't seem as bad, God's timetable comes into view and I remember why I was sent here to Earth. Having children is part of that, I'm not going to deny it. BUT its not the most important part. The most important to me is summed up in Jenny Philips song Valiant Faith. Part of it says "I want to return to His arms unashamed."
God knows in my heart there is a desperation to become a mother. Specifically a Mother who knows her Savior and Heavenly Father and has strong desires to teach any children sent to her home this every day.
So what more can I do? Exactly what I am doing, but turning all outcomes to Heavenly Father...and trusting that His vision sees all. Even when I question this huge "stumbling block" in my life, remembering His timetable, His vision, His desire for me to return to His arms, also. Its hard to hand over trust to someone. But, if you have to, why not to the one who sees the beginning AND the end?
So, about what is happening right now. I'm waiting to see if I ovulate. I got a positive ovulation strip yesterday. But I feel like I'm having a repeat of February. All the signs of Ovulation, but it doesn't happen for some reason. Honestly I think its stress. I need to learn to relax and let things come. I am just such a controller. Stress is THE worst thing for trying to have a baby...and its THE one thing that I am the best at!
So we will see what happens at my ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully its not more cysts or a huge cyst. I hate those things with a passion!
I also just wanted to say, I know there are many of you out there praying for us, and I want to say thank you for those prayers...we have felt them. We have been uplifted by them...they have been a huge blessing in our life. So thank you! We love you all! :)

It's like I'm the Incredible Hulk...I think....

First off...I want to say thank you for the sweet and absoleutly needed comments that 2 of you left me last time. I haven't decided for sure what I'm going to do. At times I feel this blog may help others, at times I feel it offends others. At times I feel completely insane and wonder how anyone could put up with me!
I have so many pills running around my system, that sometimes I don't know if these are my real feelings or not. And sometimes a few days later I realize I was completely irrational...Case in point being yesterday. I was a mess. Yelling at Nate for like an hour. About stupid things. Then coming home and bawling my eyes out over something stupid. And feeling like my life is hopeless. Honestly this isn't me at all. Before I started all these medicines it took a lot for me to cry. I had learned how to turn off the water works before they even started.
So I'll just continue to blog for now. Because, it is an emotional outlet for me, and if one day its private realize it might not stay that way. Hahaha. That's why I think I'm the Incredible Hulk. He's fine, then something sets him off, and he turns into the giant green monster. Hey at least I'm strong and could crush rocks to take my mind off things!
I had to get a shot in my butt a week ago...it hurt like a mother. It felt like I had a welt there for a few days, and I couldn't even lie on that side in bed. But lovely, it made my period show up semi-early, so today is Cycle Day one. I get to try a new drug this time, that isn't supposed to have as many side effects. I just really hope I respond to them. If I don't we will have to move on to injectibles, and those are pretty pricey. I think we figured out about 1-200 dollars a cycle. Ugh. So needless to say I'm running out of options. If the injectibles don't work, its a long shot for IVF to work, and so at that point we may be at a dead end road for now. That scares me. But I'm trying to have faith that this new drug I start on Saturday will work.
I am now going to be taking 4 Metformin a day, 1 prenatal, synthryoid, femara for cycle days 3-7 and estrogen spray from cycle day 8 until I Ovulate. I'm tired of pills. And I'm getting really sick of vaginal ultrasounds. My dr didn't think my period would show up until a week from tomorrow. He is going on vacation at the end of the week, so there is a chance I might be flying solo this cycle. I just am really hoping and praying this month it works. April marks 6 years we have been trying to start our family. Its going to be a hard month just with that reminder.

Anyhow, thank you for your support and understanding. Especially when it may not necessairly make sense. Just realize it doesn't always to me either! Happy Thursday! :)

I have decided...

To make this blog private. Honestly, I haven't been feeling much support from those in my life, I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable or mad. But I have decided I'm not going to talk openly about my infertility stuff anymore. Its just to personal, and I believe should only be shared with those select few (none???) that are a positive influence in my life.
My other blog is still open and available for anyone to read, but I really don't update either one all that often. Thanks for reading if you have read this. :)

It's free for everyone else...

but not me! That is how I am starting to feel about having a baby. So before I dive into all that, I'll just talk about my surgery first.
My surgery went well. I was really pretty nervous the morning of the surgery. They took me into a room and had me put on this really comfy gown! I was surprised that it was pretty modest. And easy to put on. Then they took me into the prep room, and gave me Oxycontin, just one pill, and something else, I can't remember. Started the IV (ouch!) my first one ever, but honestly wasn't as bad as I thought. After about 5 minutes I didn't even remember it was there. They pumped me full of antibiotics, and then just did the normal take BP, Temp, etc. Then at the special request of my Dr he had me put on some compression hose, to prevent blood clots. They weren't too bad. At this point we were just waiting for my Dr to get there. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me and he was really nice. I told him I was nervous but he made me feel better. I was literally sweating at this point though, just being nervous. Then it was time, said good bye to Nate, and was wheeled into the surgery room. Had me slide over to the special table, my Dr came in and held my hand while they put me to sleep. I was out within a few seconds. Then I was waking up...apparently I was telling Nate about being on a TV show in my dream...King of Queens...weird. It was so hard to wake up. I just wanted to cry because I felt SO tired! The kept telling me to wake up, and I just kept saying I'm tired! I want to sleep. But surprisingly we were home by around 12:30. Slept mostly the next couple of days, and then started to feel like I was coming out of the haze. Today is 1 week later, and I feel almost completely back to normal...its like it almost didn't happen.
So I had a Lapraoscopy, a D&C, a procedure called and HSG where they shoot dye in you to make sure your tubes are open, and had a polyp removed. The Dr said it all went good, and everything looks normal now, but I that's all I really know about what he found. He gave us a copy of the pictures, so I'm sure he will review them when I have my post op next week.
But seriously, this surgery is costing us 1800 dollars, and that's only for the hospital portion. The Anithesioligist will bill us separately and so will the Dr. Grrrr. So this is where it's free for everyone else, but is costing us SO much money! And that just adds to how hard infertility is!!! I looked up how much the next drugs I will be put on (most likely) and they start out not to bad, up to freak how can we afford this! Not to mention having to be more monitored by my Dr, so copays and anything not covered gets billed to us. And then its not even a guarantee!!!! Argh. Its all just so annoying, and I wish we had more money, and yeah. I'm glad we are doing what we can to make this happen. I feel like I have to for my peace of mind. But sometimes I just think...REALLY? I guess I should feel blessed to have an insurance that covers infertility at all...in reality Nate getting this job feels like it was supposed to happen. I just wish he could get a raise/promotion soon!
Anyways, that is what's new! And so yeah! Now just a countdown to my post op when my Dr says we will "sit down and come up with the GRAND MASTER PLAN." LOL...My dr is awesome... :)

Am I still on Earth?

BCP, TTC, LAP, MET, BFP, BFN, IUI, IVF, MC, PCOS, BD...and the list goes on. If someone would have told me when I graduated from High School that I would be able to just look at that list and know what each of them meant, I would have laughed....hard. But I do know what these mean. I feel like I have been transported to another planet that I never knew existed. And many, many, many, people don't even know exists!
Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing I have ever faced. Yes, even losing my Mom at a very young age and growing up in a house full of boys. I sometimes wonder why I was chosen to have this trial. Why I have been given such a hard thing to deal with in my life. I just have to assume that God wants me to do something with it. I'm still looking for exactly what it is He wants me to do...but I feel I get closer a little at a time....

When the going gets tough...

the tough get going. Only problem is, I really am a wimp. Things are getting hard and stressful for me. Exactly one week from tomorrow is my pre-op appointment. It seems like time has slowed WAY down...I am so nervous. But hopeful. But nervous...
I wonder all the time, will this be worth it? Will it lead to us having children? What if its worse then my dr thinks? What if its not salvageable?
I really thought TTC was hard before. But honestly getting into all the medications and the questions and surgery and etc it all adds a whole other "hard" to the equation. I really just hope this leads to our dream. I don't know what I will do if this doesn't change things much. Sometimes I don't know if I will even be able to stand it...

Open mouth, insert foot...

I find myself feeling this way a lot lately. Its like infertility has made me so fiesty. Maybe even mean. I am currently on the activites committee for Relief Society, and I question why I have been asked to be on it. I just hate to be left out, and because I have been left out a lot in the past 5 years, I hate to think of anyone else being left out. So when they plan some of these activities, I just see people being left out.
Maybe my problem is I want Relief Society to be a substitute for having real live friends. I have friends online, but honestly unless my friend from Cali comes to visit, its a no girlfriend time EVER year. Its hard because being childless, you are automatically put into this group that no one wants to touch. People think you are contagious almost, at least it seems that way. I need friends, I need people to laugh with and bounce ideas off of. But at times it seems to much to ask.
I wonder if mom's realize that those of us without children need friends? I guess maybe they see me as someone they just can't relate to, but why can't we just love and support each other even though maybe our lives aren't exactly the same?
The funny thing is my husband and I have been snubbed by other infertile couples too. And that has always just surprised me. I would love to have support from other people going through the same things, but they seem to think someone is spying on us and it will be the end of the world if we are seen together.
I'm just lonely. My friend came and visited from Cali this past month, and I got to spend an evening with her, and it was SO nice. We laughed a lot, we shared a lot. It was just so refreshing and uplifting just to spend that time with someone and know they cared about me.
I pray for Heavenly Father to send me a friend. But so far it has been an unanswered prayer....

The Truth that is ME today....

1- I am currently watching Ghost Whisperer between two sleeping cats.

2- I cried at the Doctor's office today. Not pretty, and embarrassing.

3- I am scared about having surgery in a week and a half.

4- I see people from High School, and their families are growing, and it makes me want to cry more.

5- I am so grateful for my husband, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful spouse to go through this hard experience with.

6- I am feeling like their are so many obstacles in my way towards being a mom. At times I wonder if I should give up.

7- I found out today my medication isn't working, but I have to stay on it, for reasons that I don't completely understand.

8- I'm trying hard to be happy with my life. I made a resolution to try harder in my marriage, and so far so good. I have changed in the past 6 years, infertility has made me more depressed and sad. Its time to tell myself its okay to enjoy and love life even though I'm not a mom.

7- Some mom's and pregnant ladies REALLY bug me...

8- I am really grateful for the Dr I was referred to. (Thanks Katie!) Even though at times I get frustrated with him, he has been really good at explaining everything and trying to be aggressive.

9- I am exhausted, I haven't been sleeping good. Partly due to one of my kitties, and partly due to all the things I have on my mind.

10- I think its really weird I had my first cancer scare at 26...grateful it came out negative, but it just seems so young...

Nightmare(s) after Christmas...

I am doing better today. Nate and I have started some positive things going on in our life and relationship, I just hope we can continue them going through the whole year.
Of course, nightmare's still plague my sleeping time. Mostly of the Dr telling me I have cancer, or he has to take one of my ovaries or that I have to have an emergency hysterectomy. Yeah lovely huh? I am just hoping and praying that we get GOOD news, and can move forward. But I trying also not to think about it, and let it bring me down.
Nate is back to work after 3 days off. Its been so nice having him around. I wish we didn't have to work, that we just had money deposited in our bank accounts on a certain day of the month.
Well, back to my old routine today, the holiday's are offically over.

Ringing in the New Year

How did I do it? A nice long cry on my hubby's shoulders. Yep. Lovely way to start the New Year huh? I am just feeling so very overwhelmed right now. With my Dr's appointment coming up, several other things looming on the horizon, I just feel over loaded majorly. It also doesn't help that during the holiday's I get to pretend to be funny, happy, brave Tami. She gets to pretend that her life is great, that things that have happened in the last 2 years haven't taken a toll on me or my marriage. Sadly when the eyes are yet again turned away from us, things like the long cry happen frequently.
Don't get me wrong. There are times I'm fine and happy. But like I said in an earlier post, this cloud seems to just loom. It never seems to let up. Its always in the back of mind. Its just hard. The hardest thing I have been through in fact...
Anyways, my brain is scattering, and I am losing focus on this post, so I will go back to trying to enjoy my evening with my hubby. Hope all had a wonderful New Year. :)